‘Have both. It’s Christmas Day.’
‘Which are your favourites?’
‘The same.’
‘Then I’ll have a strawberry cream. Leave the toffees for you.’
Dad hands Deborah a glass of sherry and sits beside her on the sofa. ‘Lunch will be in half an hour,’ he says. He glances at the space beside Sarah. She can tell he’s wondering if he should have sat next to her instead.
‘How did you meet?’ Sarah asks.
Dad rubs the skin above his lip.
‘We’ve known each other for years, haven’t we, James?’ Deborah pats his hand.
Sarah’s not used to hearing her father’s Christian name said aloud.
He takes a sip of his sherry. ‘Yes, years.’
‘So where did you meet?’ Sarah persists.
‘Stokely University, back in the sixties, wasn’t it, James? We worked together in the history department. Good times, eh? You know, Sarah, we used to work all morning, giving lectures and seminars, then take ourselves off for a long pub lunch. Then we’d return for an hour or so of marking, then tidy up our desks and head off home. Happy days. It’s not like that now. Glad to be out of it.’
‘So you must have known my mum, then? She worked there too, didn’t she?’
Deborah turns to her father. ‘Um, yes, I did meet her once or twice – ’ She shifts in her seat.
‘What was she like?’
Dad claps his hands together. ‘Right, time to lay the table, Sarah-Lou!’ Deborah starts to rise, but Dad eases her back gently. ‘No, no! You stay right where you are. We’ll give you a call when we’re ready.’
She smiles at them both gratefully as they leave the room.
Dad pushes the door ajar between them and Deborah in the next room. A lump gathers in the hollow between Sarah’s ribs. She glares at her father across the dining table, as he carefully lays out the best cutlery and avoids her gaze.
Eventually, he meets her stare, talking low. ‘Don’t look at me like that, Sarah-Lou. Deborah’s a guest in our house. I don’t want you to embarrass her with lots of questions. It wouldn’t be fair.’
‘Fair?!’ Her blood is racing; she can feel it throbbing beneath her skin. She slams a serving spoon down on to the tablecloth.
‘Shhh!’ he hisses, looking over his shoulder towards the doorway. He pushes his white hair off his face.
‘God,’ she whispers. ‘I’m not even allowed to mention her without you making me feel guilty. I know it upsets you, Dad, but how would she feel if she knew you were like this?’ Sarah’s waving her arms around now, feeling all control slip away. ‘You behave like she never even existed!’
Dad is pressing on to the table with the palms of his hands flat against the cloth, his head bowed.
‘Dad, it’s just not normal. This isn’t normal. She was my mother – and I deserve to know about her!’
Deborah has entered the room behind Dad. She’s standing in the doorway holding her sherry, deep concern in her steady eyes. Sarah stands frozen, her hands gripped around the back of the dining chair.
‘James?’ Deborah says softly. ‘James? Do you mind if we have a quiet word?’
Dad turns and leaves the room with Deborah, shutting the door carefully behind him. Sarah is left alone in the dining room, staring at the peeling wood panels of the closed door. She pulls out the chair and sits at the table, resting her head on her folded arms. She’d cry if she weren’t so exhausted. She wonders what Dante’s Christmas lunch is like. They’ve probably got Bono or Sting as dinner guests. Or Annie Lennox. It’s no wonder he’s gone off with Kate. She’s far cooler than Sarah. And she’d do anything with anyone.
Sarah hears the soft thud of the front door opening and closing, and the sound of car tyres turning on the gravel drive.
After a few moments, the door to the dining room opens. She lifts her head to see Dad standing in the doorway. He looks weary, apologetic.
‘Deborah’s gone. We thought it was probably best. It’s been a difficult morning for all of us.’
Sarah squints, trying to catch his thoughts.
‘Are you alright?’ he asks.
She sits upright. ‘Actually, Dad, it’s been my worst Christmas ever. It’s been rubbish from Christmas Eve all the way through to now.’
Dad ruffles his white hair distractedly, then re-ties the apron bow behind his back. ‘Well, we’d better try and fix it, then, hadn’t we? Want to help bring out the veg?’
She nods and follows him to the kitchen, shuffling her slippers noisily over the tiles. ‘Sorry, Dad,’ she says to his back.
‘Me too,’ he replies, spooning Brussels sprouts into a china serving dish. He puts down the spoon, rests his hands on her ears and kisses the top of her head. ‘Me too, Sarah-Lou.’
Late on Christmas night, Sarah hears footsteps crossing the gravel driveway beyond her bedroom window, followed by the brief snap of the letterbox in the hallway below. She throws back the covers and quietly sprints down the stairs to find a small envelope on the doormat, addressed to her with a neat ‘x’ across the seal. The little package is weighty, and as she takes it into the kitchen to slit open the seal her stomach tenses uncertainly. A leather corded bracelet slips into the palm of her hand, delicately strung with tiny silver seashells which sparkle in the half-light of the kitchen. She slips it on to her wrist and turns it over, thinking hard about Dante and Kate.
‘Idiot,’ she whispers, and she takes off the bracelet and drops it on the worktop beside the breadboard.
Tina phones early the day after Boxing Day.
‘So have you spoken to Dante yet?’
Sarah picks the fluff off her jeans. She’s been practising stitches on her new sewing machine. ‘No. I don’t really know what’s going on with him. After what you said about him and Kate, you know, I thought – well, that it’s all over. But then he put a present through the letterbox on Christmas Day, just as I was going to bed.’
‘What was it?’
‘A bracelet – it’s lovely. I suppose that’s his way of saying sorry. Coward.’
Sarah can hear kids screaming and shouting in the background at the other end.
Tina huffs loudly, and her voice muffles for a moment. ‘For God’s sake, Josh! Shut up and leave each other alone!’ She comes back to Sarah. ‘I spoke to Kate yesterday.’
‘Did you? Did you ask her about when you saw them together?’ She glances towards the hallway, hearing Dad moving about upstairs. The phone must have woken him.
‘Yeah. She said it was nothing. That they just bumped into each other in town and went to the café together.’
Sarah’s mind leaps around. ‘But what about the holding hands bit?’
‘Kate said Dante did it as a joke, to wind me up. What a bastard!’
‘Did you believe her?’
‘Definitely. She said she’d never do that to a friend. She seemed to really mean it. So, are you still going to her New Year’s Eve party on Tuesday night? She said we can sleep over if we want.’
‘Oh, I don’t know. Dante will be there. I won’t know what to say to him. And I don’t want to make an atmosphere.’
‘Don’t be a plank. It’ll be a chance for you two to kiss and make up.’
Sarah brushes a cobweb from the corner of the telephone table and sighs. ‘Maybe. Alright. What time shall we meet?’
‘I’ll see you at the top of Kate’s road at eight? Kate said to bring some drink along. I’m gonna wear my new dress – you know, the blue one. What about you?’
‘Dunno. I’ll sort something out. OK, Teen. See you then.’ She hangs up and stares at the receiver awhile. She’ll go into town and choose some fabric and a dress pattern. She could even go in to Tressies and see if they can cut her hair before Tuesday. She pushes her overgrown fringe behind her ears and pats her cheeks.
‘New Year. New me.’
Tina’s already waiting on the corner when Sarah arrives at the top of the Amber Chalks estate on New Year’s Eve. She�
��s wearing her usual padded coat over a short bright blue dress, with grey stilettos and sheer black tights. Her knees look bonier than ever. A Bottoms Up carrier bag dangles at her side.
‘Did you bring any drink?’ she asks as Sarah approaches.
‘Cider,’ she says, opening up her bag to show Tina a four-pack. ‘I like your dress, Teen. Is that the one you bought before Christmas?’
‘Yeah, does it look alright?’ She looks over her shoulder to check out the back of her wiry legs. ‘I’m really chuffed with it.’
Jason opens the door at Kate’s house. He gives Sarah a whistle as he takes her coat and hat. ‘Wow! Love the hair, Sarah! Very Debbie Harry, if you don’t mind me saying so.’
Sarah tries to cover her embarrassment, bowing her head and pulling her fingers through the fringe, trying to straighten it out after wearing the hat.
Kate skips in from the living room. ‘Wow, Sarah!’ she screams. ‘It’s so cool! And so blonde! Where’d you get it done? I’m so jealous!’
‘Tressies. But the colour was agony. They put this mental-looking rubber hat over my head then spent about an hour pulling bits of hair through with a crochet hook. The hairdresser had to get me a tissue to wipe up my tears.’
‘You’ve had loads off,’ says Jason, cupping the back of her hair where it rests just above her shoulders. ‘It really suits you. Very cool.’
‘Alright, Dad!’ Kate’s pulling a face. ‘Haven’t you got a disco deck to sort out or something?’
He swaggers off towards the living room and fires a pretend bullet in Kate’s direction.
‘Right! Drinks!’ says Kate.
The girls hand over their tins and follow her into the kitchen.
By nine, the house is almost full. Jason’s turned the music up high, so everyone has to speak up to be heard. Most of the guests are neighbours and friends of Jason and Patty, with Kate’s younger friends hovering in groups on the stairs and in the living room. The lights are turned down low everywhere except the hall and stairs, and there are bowls of crisps and nuts in each room. Kate has positioned party poppers all around the house, ready for midnight, and every now and then someone pops one early, leaving trails of multicoloured streamers draped over chairs and banisters. Dante arrives with Ed, carrying a box of lager. They pause in the doorway of the living room, where the girls are chatting on the far side of the room. The palms of Sarah’s hands grow cold and clammy when she sees him through the growing crowd of guests. Kate rushes over to greet them, and Sarah watches as they follow her into the kitchen.
‘He’s here,’ she tells Tina.
‘I saw. Who’s his friend?’
‘Ed. Ed the Pleb.’
‘He looks quite nice.’
‘He’s a sexual deviant. I think Dante saw me, but he didn’t come over, did he?’
‘He’s probably waiting for you to make the first move.’
Sarah runs her hands down her new dress, to straighten out the hem. It’s short and black, made from a furry, sparkly kind of material. The sparkly pile has been shedding all evening; she sees a few strands lying on the ground beside her baseball boots. ‘I don’t know what to say to him. I can’t decide if I’m still mad at him, or if I even care. I’m just going to enjoy myself.’ She strokes the inside of her wrist, feeling for the seashell bracelet. Perhaps she shouldn’t have worn it. She finishes her cider, and pulls Tina along to accompany her to the kitchen for a refill.
‘Yeah! Let your hair down!’ Tina giggles as they pass Jason at his DJ desk.
His eyes slip over them like mercury.
‘What’s left of it!’ laughs Sarah, letting her gaze rest on Jason as they leave the room. He returns a sly smile, and she shakes her hair on to her face to cover her pink cheeks.
They pass Dante and Ed at the entrance to the kitchen.
‘Hiya,’ Sarah says.
Dante looks surprised. ‘Hi!’
‘Sar! Over here!’ Kate calls from the corner of the room. ‘Ready for another?’
Dante and Ed are obscured from view as Sarah and Tina squeeze through the bodies inhabiting the kitchen. She reaches for two more ciders from the fridge, handing one to Tina. ‘I haven’t seen your mum yet, Kate.’
Kate pulls back the ring pull and takes a swig of her lager. ‘And you’re not likely to tonight. They had a big bust-up, and she’s gone to stay at her sister’s. Thank God. She’s such a bitch.’
‘What was it about?’ asks Tina as she readjusts her bra strap.
‘Oh, God. My sister phoned first thing this morning, and that was it; Mum was in tears, then Dad was on at her asking what the problem was, and before you know it it’s World War bloody Three! See that dent over there in the skirting? That’s where the sugar bowl landed when she chucked it at him. Then all of a sudden she’s gonna cancel tonight, because she’s got a bit of a headache! She’s mental. All she ever thinks about is herself.’
Sarah takes a sip of her drink. ‘She’ll be back, though, won’t she?’
‘More’s the pity,’ says Kate, stretching back against the kitchen worktop with her elbows. ‘It’s no wonder he spends all his time down the youth club. What she doesn’t realise is that he’s just trying to get away from her. He doesn’t even get paid for it. Tell you what, I’d find a volunteer job myself, if I was married to her.’
Her jade dress is Lycra-tight, clinging to every curve and dip of her body. Sarah can clearly see the mound of her pubic bone pressed against the stretched fabric. She looks about twenty.
Kate stands up straight and holds out her can. ‘OK. Down in one?’
The girls huddle together against the sink, and on Kate’s count of three they glug back their drinks, eyes upturned until the first one slams their can down on the side.
‘The winner!’ shouts Kate, holding Sarah’s arm in the air. The silver shells of her bracelet jangle as her arm is thrust skyward, its dangling cowry charms twinkling in the kitchen light. ‘And your prize is… another can of cider!’
Sarah belches unexpectedly and they fall about laughing as they open fresh cans.
‘I’m gonna wet myself!’ Tina clutches her sides.
‘Me too!’
The two girls race up the stairs to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind them.
‘D’ya know what,’ says Sarah, slurring slightly as she sits on the toilet seat watching Tina reapply her lipstick. ‘I can’t be arsed. You know. With Dante. But at the same time, I can be arsed, and I want him to come over, and – you know. Make up. Oh I dunno.’ She pulls up her thick tights, stumbling as she flushes the loo. ‘Glad I’ve got my baseball boots on. I’d never stay standing in your shoes.’
Tina hobbles over to the toilet and has her turn. ‘I don’t think I’ll be standing for long,’ she says. ‘Here, what about Patty and Jase?’
‘Who?’
‘Y’know. Kate’s mum and dad. She sounds like such a cow. I don’t know how he can put up with it.’
‘It’s weird. D’you reckon she’s older than him? She looks older. Quite a bit older with her grey hair and all that.’
Tina stumbles as she pulls up her knickers. ‘Yeah, she’s gotta be at least ten years older? Or maybe she just looks old. Anyway, he could do better, I reckon. God, that cider’s strong stuff.’
‘Nice cider,’ says Sarah, wiggling her bum and rearranging her new hair.
Tina snort-laughs, which sets them both off again, and by the time they leave the bathroom they’re hysterical.
Down in the hallway, Kate is talking to Ed and Dante among a group of other Selton High kids.
‘Tina!’ Dante calls out as they pass.
Tina frowns, but she looks pleased at the same time.
‘Someone I want you to meet.’ He beckons her over. ‘This is Ed.’ He moves aside to welcome her into the group, ignoring Sarah altogether.
Ed grins like an idiot, but Tina looks really keen to stay and talk to him. Sarah’s opinion of him remains unchanged. He’s a total pillock. She wanders away from the
group and into the living room, where she looks around for familiar faces. Jason’s friends and neighbours seem so confident, drinking their drinks with ice and lemon, their sleeves rolled casually up their forearms. One couple are seated on the sofa, kissing passionately. Their ankles intertwine politely and the woman’s red shoulder-padded silk blouse has slipped over, exposing a little flesh across her collarbone. Some of the others in the room give a running commentary on the couple’s movements.
‘Look at them! They’re not even coming up for air!’
The snogging man carries on kissing, but manages to put two fingers up to them.
‘It’s their first date,’ says one woman. ‘I’d like to see if they’re so enthusiastic in a year’s time!’
Sarah wanders over to the disco decks to see if Jason needs any help. She concentrates hard on walking straight.
Jason puts his hand on her shoulder and leans in to make himself heard over the music. ‘Tell you what, love. You can scribble down a few tracks you’d like me to play later. Let’s make it three. I’ll put them on in a while. Get you and the girls dancing?’
Sarah’s pleased to have the distraction. ‘Can I have a look through your records, to choose?’
‘Help yourself. Although one of them will have to be a Blondie track, now, won’t it?’ He ruffles her hair and she ducks away laughing.
‘So, definitely “Sunday Girl”. That’s the best one. I love some of the stuff from the seventies.’
‘Me too. Write it down.’
‘Oh! I know – The J. Geils Band!’
Jason starts flipping through his singles. ‘“Centerfold”?’
‘Yes! That’s it! I love that track!’
He winks, sliding the single out of its cover and turns it over to check it under the light. He gives it a blow. ‘It’s a bit racy, isn’t it?’
Sarah takes the sleeve from him. ‘Is it?’
‘Yeah! Not that I’m judging. It’s one of my favourites, as it goes.’
She carries on looking through the records. ‘Well, it’s just one of those songs that Kate and Teen and I all like when we get together. Here you go – Visage, “Fade to Grey”. That’s my final choice.’
Hurry Up and Wait Page 11
