JJ leaned down again, hovering so close I can smell the cheap acne cream on his stubbly chin.
“Trust me, Carter, if we lose this game, it'll be your ass. I'm going to make sure everyone knows it was your fault too. Everyone.”
Great! That was just what I needed, more people hating me. I really hate my life.
JJ snickered a little, “Pathetic, Carter. Just plain pathetic.”
It was coming. I knew it. He'd punch me right in the guts for this one. My eyes shut tight in anticipation. So tight all I could see was a blurred pinkish white from the inside of my eyelids. I took in a deep breath waiting for the inevitable.
Nothing. But, it'll come. I know it.
Nothing.
Nothing.
The wait was starting to get to me. God, just get it over with!
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
What's taking him so long?!
I almost started to panic. The bell would be ringing soon, and all of the classes would switch. The hallway flooded with giggling teenage girls and hormone driven teenage boys, each one not above laughing at the freak getting his ass kicked yet again.
Oh, my god, he's waiting for everyone to see it! My heart raced faster and faster, nearly
pumping right out of my chest. My face was reddening and becoming flush. My stomach churned slightly. I was too afraid to open my eyes just yet.
I don't think I can take anymore embarrassment today! I cried to myself.
Jack started to laugh.
“Not yet, Carter, you little weenie. You'll have your time, though. I'm not going to let you know when, but you'll have it. Mark my words,” he snarled at me and walked off with his entourage of wannabes.
Relief struck me as well as fear. Who knows what horrible things he and his jock friends had planned for me now. I had two more classes until the day was over. One of them being with JJ and two of his lackeys. Shit was going to hit the fan today....and I was the shit.
7
There were so many more instances in which I was made the butt of every joke by JJ and his friends. Those bastards certainly knew how to make a guy feel welcomed. Ha. Ha.
I tried to remember the first time they let me know I wasn't good enough for their little clique. I'd like to say it wasn't until at least junior high, but it started much earlier than that. I do believe the first time I met them I was already considered the odd man out.
What was so wrong with me? Why didn't they like me? What did I do??
Even when we were young they bullied me. It all started back in elementary school. I remember the worse day very well. That was the day they made me pee my pants in front of the entire third grade.
*
“Come on, Harvey, let's go! We have to hurry! She'll be waiting, I swear! Scout's honor!” JJ held up two fingers very business like in order to prove his honesty.
“I've really got to go, JJ! This is our only bathroom break, you know that! I thought I could, but just I can't wait!” I pleaded back, holding myself trying not to let go. In Miss Watson's third grade you got one bathroom break right after lunch and before recess. I was as regular as Old Faithful when it came to taking our daily bathroom break, but today I had planned on skipping bathroom break to go outside early with JJ. I thought I was finally joining the “in” crowd and this was my chance. Maybe I shouldn't have had that second juice at lunch.
“No, Harvey! Just hold it and come with me. I said she'll be waiting for you!” JJ scolded.
I had to pee so bad it was beginning to hurt my sides. I didn't know what to do. JJ was being nice to me and told me Joanna liked me and wanted to meet me by the swings at recess. Me! Can you
believe it? Joanna was the coolest girl in the third grade and she liked me! I thought the world of her.
Oh, Joanna. She was smart, pretty, and popular. What's not to like? Plus, she was one of the only girls that wasn't mean to me. I would give anything to have her be my girlfriend, and that meant skipping my usual bathroom break. I couldn't be late or she might think I don't like her. This was my chance to be in the cool crowd and get the girl. Just like in the movies! I couldn't waste this moment.
“Alright, JJ. I'll hold it,” I said shakily.
“Good, keep holding it, Harvey. She'll be there.”
JJ and I strolled over to the swings, navigating our way through the hustle and bustle of what seemed like hundreds of other kids on the playground. I looked around anxiously, but Joanna wasn't there. I began to panic, thinking maybe I was too late. I gave JJ a terrified glance.
He smiled back, “Oh yeah! She told me she was going to be a few minutes late. You know how girls are.”
He chuckled a little and nodded to his best friend, Mike, who gave him a thumbs up. I assumed this was a sign that she was on her way. I sure hoped so, because there was no way I could hold it much longer.
The time seemed to drag on. It seemed like a lifetime had passed rather than a couple of minutes as I waited, my teeth almost swimming. My insides gurgled slightly and I feared what was coming next.
Uh oh! Oh, man! I'm going to pee my pants! Oh man, oh man, oh man!
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it!
I can't hold it!
“I'm sorry, JJ. I need to go. Please, please tell her to wait for me. PLEASE!!” I begged him
as I began to leave.
“You're not going anywhere, Carter,” a mischievous smiled spread across JJ's face.
Mike grabbed my arm and yanked me back. He kept hold of me, his hands tightening around
my small wrist. Two other kids grabbed on as well, gluing me in place.
“Hold him! Don't let him leave!” JJ commanded the other boys.
“I've got to go!” I yelled as I tried to free myself of their grip, still a little unsure as to what was going on.
It was already too late. I could feel the warm trickle of what was left of my apple juice from lunch streaming down my legs. My eyes began to water, and I felt my face get red hot.
“Carter, did you just piss your pants?” Mike yelled loudly.
My chance was ruined. It was all ruined! Wet tears fell softly down my face. My blue jeans were sticking to my legs. A cool breeze chilled my damp clothes, fusing them to my scrawny body. Goosebumps soon appeared up and down my spine. I tried desperately to pull my green t-shirt down over my pants.
“Hey, everyone! Carter just peed himself!” another one of JJ's goons shouted.
“Oh man, Carter. I can't believe you actually peed yourself! Hey, Mike, I guess I owe you a dollar after all. You were right! You won the bet!” JJ laughed hysterically, high-fiving Mike as they both busted up.
Four classes worth of third graders came charging over to the swings to see what all the commotion was. I could hear the giggles and cackles already beginning. The wind blew them away at first, but soon there was too much laughter for even the strongest of gusts to cover up. It spread like wildfire throughout the playground. Soon every kid out there saw what I had done. The dark spot in the crotch of jeans more than enough evidence to prove my guilt. My head turned from side to side
trying desperately to find a way out, or at least a place to hide. Hell, I'd crawl into a hole leading to Alcatraz if there was one available. I longed to just die right there. Tears were starting to sting at my cheeks. My vision was getting blurry and an escape seemed pointless now. Everyone had already seen
me. I felt as if I were going to puke right there on the thick blue rubber swing that dangled uselessly as I pulled it in front of me.
John, my best friend and only friend, was the only one who wasn't laughing at me. He even ran in front of me, trying to block everyone's view. He began to shout back at the laughing crowd that gathered around me.
“Leave him alone, guys! It was an accident! It could have happened to any one of you!”
His attempts were thoughtful but useless. Practically the whole school had already seen enough to damage my ego for a lifetime. The truth was that, yeah, it could have happened
to any one of them, but it happened to me.
As I stood soaked in my own urine, crying like an infant in front of a hundred of my peers, I saw Joanna standing with her friends. JJ quickly pulled her to the front of the crowd for front row seats to my demise. Joanna stood confused at first yanking her arm out of JJ's grasp, but soon she was laughing along with all the rest of the kids at the pitiful mess before her eyes. He had lied to me. She hadn't really liked me after all. She probably didn't even know I existed until now. I was set up. It was all a joke, and I was the punch line.
What's green, red, and wet all over?
Harvey Carter after he pees himself!
Ha. Ha.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Depends.
Depends who?
Better get Harvey Carter some Depends before he pees his pants!
Ha. Ha. So funny I forgot to laugh...
*
That was the beginning of my true torment, and the end of my self-esteem. Every day there seemed to be a fun new joke made out of my expense. How thoughtful of me to be such an inspiration to the numerous comedic entrepreneurs of my school. How very thoughtful...
8
That's all behind me now. None of it matters Here.
Oh God, I wish that were true.
Some days I just want to hurt them again.
Some days I want to relive that day.
Some days I just want to close my eyes and see nothing. No faces, no sadness, no crying.
But I don't get that chance. Here I relive that day...every day.
And just like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, I will feel that pain as plain as though it had just happened. And here I had thought I was the one who was supposed to be punishing them.
9
The quiet monotone gong of the dining room clock echoed through the still walls of the house. It will be time soon. My mother would be coming home, just as I am leaving for school again. I desperately wanted to be out of the house today before she came home. I couldn't let her see the hushed agony that radiated off my face. It's just another day to her, Harvey. Let her have just one more normal day. She's been working the night shift at Lou Ann's, waiting tables, then heading straight to Marv's for the morning shift as a check out clerk. She'd be so tired that I hardly doubt she'll even notice that I'm not home. We've always struggled financially a bit, but things seemed to be getting worse these days. I know she worried a lot about how she was going to be sending me to college, which despite her best lies, was the real reason for attaining the second job. Hopefully, after today she won't worry so much. Being a single mom never seemed to drag her down. She always kept a smile on her face for me when she knew I was watching, but I knew deep down she was sad and lonely. I never questioned her about it, at least I tried not to. My mom had dated guys over the years, but nothing was ever serious. Actually there were a lot of guys that I never even had the chance to meet, or they never had a desire to meet me as the case may be. Maybe things will change for her after today.
My mother once had major potential in life. She was a great student in high school, getting top grades in all her classes. She was pretty and athletic, but then I came along and took it all away. My mother got pregnant her senior year of high school, which according to my grandmother was a complete shock to everyone. Apparently to my real father as well because he never showed his face once news of my existence surfaced.
“He's no one.”
That was all the response anyone ever got out of her when asked about my real father. She always seemed bitter and resentful about it, but reluctant to give any further details. I pried further once and rued the day, giving in to the thought of never knowing the other side of my genetic make up.
Lost in thought, I failed to hear the door open and close. My mother strolled in through the kitchen door while I sat at the table. She tossed her keys on the counter absent mindlessly and stood in front of the refrigerator. I lowered my head and quickly cleared the table before she turned back around. I needed to be heading back or it would be too late. This could possibly be my only shot at accomplishing my goal. Lunch hour was already half over. Why did I stop to eat? I cursed my damned routine.
I had begun eating my lunch at home my senior year. It was my only escape during the day to be free of torment aside from my English class, which I never missed. I thought, at least this way, no one can bother me. I could sit quietly, eat my food, and plot my escape from this hell. At least at home I wouldn't be made fun of. I wouldn't be tortured. No more mashed potatoes thrown in my hair, or green beans shoved down the back of my shirt. That was always a favorite with JJ and his friends. The vegetable sometimes varied with the day's menu, but it was always the same stupid prank.
“Hey, Carter, over here!”
“Yeah?” I said quietly afraid to turn my head, but did so anyway.
Just then either JJ or one of his cronies would come running up behind me, grab my shirt, yanking so hard I would nearly choke every time, and toss left over greens down my back. Sometimes they would stick to the inside of my shirt, and I would have to spend my free time in the bathroom scraping squashed peas out of my clothes before class. Other times, the slimy food would make a cool trail down my spine and slip out of the bottom of my shirt to the floor.
I would stand, frozen with fear and embarrassment as he would trot off smirking and high-fiving the rest of the group. I can't fucking believe they did it to me again, I'd tell myself. I'd stand there wanting to just lie down and cry.
I hate vegetables.
*
During those times I would still pick myself up and go on about my day. Trying desperately not
to make it a big deal. I tried to be strong then. I didn't want them to see more weakness from me than they already did. But, sometimes, even the strongest people can only take so much shit.
10
I walked out the door quickly to avoid any confrontation from my prying mother. I wore my navy blue backpack with, “Harvey Carter”, embroidered in fancy white cursive across the back. It was a gift from my grandmother sent via UPS two years ago. She lived only across town, but she and my mother stopped speaking a couple of years back and things just weren't quite the same between us. What once were monthly family outings and thoughtful birthday hugs, turned into generic hallmark cards and yearly phone calls to make sure no had died.
My backpack hung loosely over my shoulder as I walked. Normally it was weighted down with Chemistry books and Shakespeare, but today was different. Today it was empty, but heavy with fear. At times I even thought of letting it slip off completely and fall to the ground. You won't be needing it anymore anyway, I told myself. Yet, I kept hold of it as if it helped steady my nerves. The tips of my fingers turning a murky white as I clung tightly to the nylon straps. My brown unlaced boots scraped steadily across the dry sidewalk as I continued to trudge.
Scratch. Scrape.
Scratch. Scrape.
I wore a long thick coat that day. It was a cool fall day, perfect jacket weather. A breeze lifted the fallen leaves that caked the ground. They danced in the wind like crumpled ballerinas still unaware that the show was over. Even as cold as it was getting, I was sweating profusely. It wasn't just the thickness of my coat that was making me sweat. I was nervous and scared. This kind of a decision couldn't be taken lightly, and if I was going to do this, I had to be strong.
I walked those few blocks from my house to the school in a matter of moments. Every other day I walked these blocks to school, and every day the trip was too short, the view of the school coming too soon for comfort. It was a dreaded journey that I was pleased would be my last.
My feet got heavier with each step as I grew closer. Trudging back to that lifeless, blood-
sucking place that holds me prisoner each day. Every step I took, I prepared myself for the hell I was going to endure.
One step, dirty looks
Two steps, name-calling.
Three st
eps, punching.
I hated to even think about it when I came to four.
All their hate directed at me.
Me. Why me?
But no more.
It ends today.
11
I never understood what it was about me that they all seemed to hate. At the very least I wanted to know why JJ hated me so much. What was so wrong with me? What was wrong with them? I liked to chalk the rest up to simply following his childish lead and that they truly didn't dislike me. It was something I liked to call “the bully effect”. You know, when you befriend the bully, no matter how much of an asshole they are, simply to not be the one he picks on. Was that really the reason or something more primal? Was it because I didn't have a dad? Was it because I was poor? Quiet? Shy? Weak? What??
You know, even though he hated me so much, I could almost forget all he had done. I could forgive his name calling because he had such a limited vocabulary. I could forgive his beating me because I knew his father beat him when he disobeyed. I could have forgiven everything until senior year. He took so much from me in such a short amount of time. It was time I took something back.
Vengeance.
That's what I wanted from him. And I took it.
*
I took a deep breath in as I grew closer and closer to the school. Guilt, shame, happiness, fear, and every other human emotion you can think of invaded my body in one swirling vortex of nerves and courage. I had never felt so alive and dead inside at the same time. I didn't know what to feel more as the school door came nearer and nearer to me.
I remembered back at those times they made me out a joke in front of everyone. Every time they tripped me in the cafeteria and laughed as my food came crashing to the floor, too poor to buy another lunch. Every time they called me names down the hall just to see if I'd look, and sure enough I looked every time. I never forgot every, “loser,” “moron,” “retard,” or, “stupid”.
H. A. Carter Page 2
