I threw my hands up in quiet frustration and turned to walk home alone. I strolled about five steps before a tiny rock struck the small of my back, landing on the ground with dull thump.
“You'd seriously stand me up?!” a whispered cry of annoyance echoed out of the darkness.
My feet stopped, I shifted my gaze behind me. Joanna appeared out of the shadows, her arms folded in outrage. Her skin glowed heavenly in the moon light, and I almost thought I was hallucinating. She cocked her hip to the side, tapping her foot steadily, staring at me intently, waiting for an answer.
The shock of her presence silenced me as I stood motionless on the damp green grass. The corner of her eyebrow shot up in a vexing hypnotic glare. My mind raced in hurried desperation to find a suiting answer.
“Um, I....I...uh..,”
“Can it, Carter. Just promise me that you're staying and we'll call it even.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. My tongue seemed to have lost all function, and spoken English suddenly became foreign to me.
Say something, Stupid!
She rolled her eyes and sauntered over to my half stunned immobile body. Her confidence
beaming even through the darkened night sky. The glow of her skin radiated brighter than the stars, giving it a porcelain like shine. Breathtaking wasn't even close to describing it. She was utterly perfect. I had thought, in that moment, no other girl could have ever looked so beautiful.
She slowly reached out, a devious smile twinkling in the corners of her mouth. She slipped her delicate fingers into my sweaty hand. I stopped breathing altogether, my heart thundering out of control.
“Well, now that you didn't stand me up, what should we do for our first date?”
43
This is all just a dream.
I'm going to wake up soon.
I'm going to wake up and it will all be just a very bad dream.
Can that be possible? Had I not given away my soul already, I'd say I'd trade it in return for escaping this nightmare.
I have nothing left to trade, however, and They don't make light deals.
Who the hell am I kidding, anyway?
Just accept your fate, Harvey. Accept what you did and reap the punishments. I just wish I knew that there was an end to all of it.
44
A muffled enraged voice seeped through the walls of my room. My mother's irate yelling awoke me from a deep sleep. My eyes fluttered open heavily. I peered at the clock. 12:43 am.
Who could she have possibly been talking to this late at night?
I rolled laboriously out of bed and shuffled to the door. The floorboards gave a soft groan as I turned the squeaky knob.
The phone slammed hard and fast before I reached the living room.
“Mom? Who are you talking to?”
“Uh...just Helen. She's...she's having a bad night.”
Helen? Helen doesn't even call during the day let alone in the middle of the night. Despite being my mom's best friend, she wasn't really the phone call type.
My mother stomped away toward her bedroom, scraping her fuzzy slippers against the rough hardwood floors as she went. She waved her arm in the air, motioning for me to go back to bed.
I hesitated just long enough for the soft click of her door to sound before picking up the phone.
I pressed the smudged redial button and waited quietly as the phone began to ring.
Bring!
Bring!
Bring!
“For fuck's sake, Trina, stop calling me! Sarah is going to wake up! I told you, I'm not helping that little bastard!”
My breath caught in my throat. My hands began to quiver with dreadful apprehension as the voice on the other end of the line spouted a few more profanities before rudely hanging up.
I held the phone tightly, my knuckles turning white, until the beep, beep, beep, was the only
sounds through the receiver.
My now pounding heart was thudding nearly out of my chest as I peered toward my mother's door, afraid she may emerge at any moment.
My shivering hand placed the phone back on the hook. Panic-stricken, I suddenly became afraid to move.
Was it really him?
It had to be.
Who else would she lie about other than him?
So, he at least knew I existed. That was better than nothing, I guess.
But who was Sarah?
45
Her constant quiet screaming was almost more than my heart could bear. Muffled tears soaked the fuzzy chocolate colored pillow she clung to tightly. The intense fear that welled in her eyes was overwhelming. Nausea rose and fell in the pit of my stomach with every cry. My scrawny useless arms rocked her gently as she wept. I could do nothing more than hold her as her tortured soul agonized over what had happened. I feared she would reject my touch as I softly attempted to stroked down her disheveled matted hair. The faint odor of stale beer and wet grass swirled in wisps around her dulled golden locks. I choked back the smell that so boldly screamed of JJ.
Whimpers and short chokes of breath were her only reaction to my efforts at comfort. What was I going to do? I had to do something. It was my job to do something. If I couldn't keep her safe now, how was I ever expected to later in life?
I cupped her delicate head in my hands, bringing her gaze to mine. Her usual picture perfect complexion now smeared with the remnants of her make up. She looked like a badly used rag doll thrown to the trash. I peered deep into her eyes, searching for that sparkle of hope that I had not lost her forever.
“I'll make it all right, Jo. I...I don't know how...or when...but I'll make it all right. He'll never hurt you again. I promise you that.”
Tears erupted from her eyes until they overflowed, running in rivers down her cheeks, washing away the dark, already smudged, eyeliner. She pressed herself hard against my chest and cried uncontrollably into the confines of my shirt, saturating my clothes. I squeezed my battered broken girlfriend close to me, trying to wish her pain away, my heart ripping apart.
After several hours of stifled sobbing and seemingly futile consoling, she finally began to calm. Her breathing began to ease, rising and falling slowly and heavily. I was grateful for her slumber, but
frightful of it just the same. I wasn't exactly sure what the symptoms of shock were, but knew Joanna had to be experiencing them. No one could endure what she just had and not feel tremendous pain and suffering of some form. As she slept I gazed down at her tattered and ripped clothing. Dirt and grass stuck in random patches up and down her legs. The faintest of scratches could be seen peeking out between the tears in her mint green skirt, and her once white shirt was caked with dirt, stretched out beyond repair. Thick fragments of flesh were imbedded deep within her broken fingernails. I wondered which “gentleman” was on the receiving end of her once manicured talons. Purple thumb imprints were already developing on the edges of her tiny wrists, and the vague outline of someone's rough grip mocked me as I caressed her arm. My blood boiled, searing to the tips of my fingers and curling into a tight hate filled fist. I couldn't tell yet whether or not she was bruised badly anywhere else, or at all for that matter, but I guessed she would be by the looks of the rest of her. I guess they weren't into chivalry. I felt worthless and pathetic at the horrid thought that I could do nothing to stop the pain, or even avenge it.
I highly doubted she would let me take her to a hospital or a police station. I knew she was scared. Hell, I was scared enough for the both of us, but something had to be done about this. What could she say though? We both knew that it was next to impossible to tell anyone the truth. No one would believe her. Not in this town, anyway.
I held her softly in my arms for hours, watching the moon rise and fall in the night sky out my living room window. No matter how much nausea and anger washed over me, no matter how sore my arms grew, no matter how tired my body became, I wouldn't leave her.
I thought long and hard as the clock ticked away the night. I tho
ught about my failure to defend the one I loved and how by any chance at all that could be rectified. I had to decide a path to take.
What do I do? How do I fix this? Would I be able to take the road less traveled by, creating my own unbeaten path? My mind thought incessantly, aching from the stress. Sadness and despair swirling with rage and frustration. The night slowly turned into day and by morning I had made my final decision. I knew what path I would take.
46
“You Bastards! Why did you do that? Why? All I ever ask is for it to not be that one. Just that one! Why can't you even give me that?”
Let it end already! Just let it end!
You know, no matter how horrible it gets Here, it still doesn't compare to the pain of that night. I would give almost anything to be free from that memory alone.
47
I stood unmoving peering down at John's slumped figure at my feet.
Please forgive me, John.
I raised my gaze, scanning the lunchroom. A few stray kids hid under tables and shoved themselves into concrete corners. Their trembling hands masking the reality in front of them. They looked much like troublesome toddlers believing that if they couldn't see me then I didn't exist. I could see chaos erupting outside just as badly through the dirty glass windows of the school.
Back and forth, side to side, up and down they ran. No one could seem to decide which way to turn as they scattered across the school's now trampled lawn.
“Harvey, we have to finish this.”
I nodded slowly, remembering JJ still lay cowardly under the bench next to Thomas' body. I took in a deep breath and held it, puffing up my chest and rising myself up to my full 5' 9 stature. I'd always been told this was a sign of dominance in the animal kingdom. Would this primal move make JJ cower to my sudden alpha male status?
As I turned and stepped closer to him, I realized he sure would. He immediately began to beg and plead in such a horrific child-like manner that I was slightly taken aback.
“Please, Carter! Please, I...I'm sorry, Man!”
I stopped just inches from his shaking body.
“Oh, so, you're sorry? Did you hear that, Jo? He's sorry! I guess we can all forgive and go home now, right?!” I mocked sarcastically.
JJ glanced back and forth from Joanna and I, trying to judge the extent of our mercy. His eyes practically bugging out of their sockets in anticipation. Did he really think he would get away with this? Of course he did. He always got away with it. Not this time.
Joanna couldn't look at him. She kept her focus on the ground, with a few quick pleading glances in my direction. I, however, bent down and stared straight into the depths of his inhumane worthless eyes. My hate filled gaze boring into his terrified soul. His entire body beginning to convulse out of fright. I sat face to face with the great destroyer of my life with a mixture of malice, pity, and envy. I almost embraced the first two emotions, but still hated myself for ever envying this pathetic piece of shit trembling before my feet.
No, envy was just something I couldn't quite let myself feel for him. No matter how popular, strong, good-looking, or rich he was I refused to envy him.
I turned to Joanna, who was still staring coldly at the blood stained floor.
I have to do this. She can't live with herself if he gets away with what he's done.
JJ crawled out from under the table bench, his hands raised in surrender. The golden boy was now groveling at my feet to spare his life. I wanted to vomit all over his continued unsympathetic apologies. His thick bulgy hands were actually clinging to my shoes now begging for forgiveness. His weak incessant crying tore at the fragile pieces of my heart.
Why did he have to do it? Why did he just have to take her from me? Why, JJ? Why?
I had thought once he knew the truth that things would be different between us. Maybe we could find some sort of peace, but this, and the sickening realization that he had known all along just confused every hopeful notion I had ever possessed about humanity.
Flesh and blood are not always thicker than water.
I raised my foot out of his grasp and kicked JJ square in the jaw as hard as I could. His teeth screeched and cracked loudly in the echoing cafeteria. His head flew backwards in one smooth jerk, blood spritzing from the corner of his smug mouth.
How's that for mercy, Jacky?
He rolled back over slowly, spitting red bubbles of sticky liquid on the floor. His breath gurgled as he choked on his own scarlet blood and shame.
“Harv...Harvey, please,” he begged again, reaching out his hand.
Hushed sorrowful tears fell down Joanna's pink cheeks as JJ plead pitifully below us.
“Shut the fuck up, JJ. You deserve this, and you know it. No more excuses for you, Brother,” I growled, emphasizing my deep impenetrable hatred.
JJ's eyes widened with horror as an epiphany of brutal reality seeped into his understanding.
“No...no...you..”
Bang!
JJ's head seemingly exploded back in slow motion, blood spraying in all directions from the close range impact, the dark black of the bullet hole growing uncontrollably deep with impending emptiness. His mutilated body lay still as the gun shot resounded deep in my heartbroken spirit. Sharp, stinging tears seeped down my face, leaving a burning trail across my cheeks. The gun hot in my hands.
Joanna's hand covered her mouth tightly as she forced back an ocean of anguished sobs. Her eyes not opposed to looking directly at JJ's expressionless vacant stare now.
I lowered my head disgracefully. I had to let her know. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. It was too late for her to stop me now anyway.
I hope she can forgive me. Please, let her forgive me for this.
48
All I ever really wanted out of life was just to be accepted. I didn't even have to be well liked or tolerated, just accepted that I was who I was and that was okay with the world. Is that really so much to ask of a person? When does the right to exist become something that is earned instead of given? Am I not a human just the same as you? Do I not bleed? Cry? Hurt? Love?
What part of humanity do I not fit into?!
I get that what I did in the grand scheme of life was not right. I know it wasn't right to take such drastic vengeance, but I'm still human through all of my flaws.
I am still human, aren't I?
Sometimes even this once assured concept of life seems to escape me.
Good God, I've really lost it now.
I'm cracking. I honestly never thought it would come to this, but I truly believe I am starting to break Here. I wonder how long others last before they break? Am I unusually strong willed, or just a weak specimen in comparison to other souls?
Ha! Even Here I care what They think of my humanity! I hate myself that I actually want to be accepted Here. Why do I crave acceptance from even the worst beings? It's just human nature to want to be a part of the group, I guess. But, if I have lost my humanity, where does that leave me?
I am truly breaking down.
49
My weary head rested heavily across my smooth wooden desk. My insides were on fire, the raging heat rifling straight to my brain. I needed to go home.
I lay unmoving for a great length of time. Luckily, junior high study hall teachers could care less what you do with your time as long as it wasn't bothering them. John poked me sharply in the back with his orange pencil.
“Harvey? What are you doing? Are you sick or something?”
I lifted my head only inches from the desk and gathered just enough energy to nod once. My eyes drooped uncontrollably as I fought to stay awake.
“Do you want me to get the teacher?” John asked, concerned.
I pondered this for a brief second before deciding it was pointless. My mother was not at home, nor could she be if I had to leave. I peered at John again through foggy eyes and shook my head.
He sat back in his seat as I put my head back on the cool desktop. I was seconds away from a peaceful rejuvenating s
leep when a slimy sticky glob came flying from the back of the room and landed in the depths of my shaggy flaxen hair.
I awoke with a start and quickly reached behind me to fetch the mystery object, only to realize it was a large piece of extra chewy bubble gum. It stuck to my fingers like sugary molasses, and clung securely to the base of my hairline. I pulled hard to release it. Long skinny pink strings of gum began to emerge into my vision. I kept pulling and pulling, relieving only minute strands at a time.
My mom is going to kill me!
Giggles rose from the corner of the room as I pulled the gooey substance from my hair bit by bit. I didn't even have to look to know exactly who it was.
I kept pulling unsuccessfully at the clumping gum when another wad landed on my back. This
time I started to turn, ready to fire an insult that would surely get my ass kicked later, but John beat me to the punch.
He charged to the back of the room in a blur, shoving JJ against the wall with lightening speed and animalistic force.
“Leave him the fuck alone, Prick!”
JJ's eyes bulged in surprised fright as John's massive arm pinned him hard against the chipped blue paint of the wall. His awestruck face showing only signs of shock rather than remorse.
“Sorry, Man, my bad,” JJ muttered innocently, throwing his hands in the air.
John let go, returning to his seat and resuming his history homework.
“You know, Johnny, if you ever want to have a real life you could do a lot better than Carter! Think about it,” JJ called after him.
Mr. George's irritated figure sauntered over in an exaggerated annoyance at having to leave the comfort of his desk.
John looked up disgracefully, knowing he had crossed the line, even for the lackadaisical study hall teacher.
H. A. Carter Page 7
