by Marie Landry
“You done?” he asked, his voice rich with laughter.
I glanced over at him quickly and when I saw him trying to hold back a laugh, I stuck out my tongue.
"You’re lucky you’re driving or I’d tickle you silly," he said, laughing. I giggled, glad that his illness hadn’t affected his sense of humour.
*****
When we got back to my place, Daisy was pacing anxiously, waiting for news. We filled her in on our doctor’s visit and told her Nicholas would be starting treatment in a week. Daisy offered to make lunch as Nicholas and I sat at the kitchen table going over some of the chemotherapy pamphlets.
“This is why Roy said most people need time to build up their immune system,” Nicholas said, pointing at an outlined box in the pamphlet. “It says ‘While the chemotherapy works to destroy cancerous cells, the drugs also affect normal cells’. So if I’m otherwise healthy then I guess I won’t get so run-down during chemo and my normal cells will have a better chance of recovering and producing normally.”
He passed the pamphlet across the table to me and I exchanged it for the one I had been reading. My eyes were crossing from all the information, so I was glad when Daisy placed lunch on the table, as it gave me an excuse to scoop up all the papers and put them out of sight on the empty chair beside me.
The three of us talked about normal everyday things, and I could tell Daisy had the same idea I did: to distract Nicholas and keep his mind off serious matters.
“I’ve decided I’m going to send some of my photographs to Mrs. O’Hanlon’s son,” I said. “I checked out the company’s website and my pictures are just as good as the postcards they print.”
“That’s great, Em!” Daisy said, beaming proudly. “I was so impressed with your pictures, and I know Jimmy will be, too. This could be a real foot in the door for you. You should build a portfolio.”
“Nicholas suggested that last night,” I said, glancing at him. At his house the night before, Nicholas asked me to catch him up on everything he’d missed. I told him about my photographs and how complimentary Mrs. O’Hanlon had been, telling me I should contact her son about them. Nicholas encouraged me to pursue it, as I knew he would, and after thinking about it that morning I decided I had to give it a try. Nicholas even offered to be my assistant and help me put together a portfolio.
“You’ll need a good camera then,” Daisy said. “That old camera I gave you won’t last long I’m afraid. We’ll go shopping soon and get you a digital camera so you can see each shot as you take it. Maltonville has a great…” She trailed off, her gaze shooting to Nicholas.
“It’s okay, Daisy,” Nicholas said, offering a small smile. “Maltonville is going to be home for at least three weeks while I’m in the hospital. We don’t have to avoid talking about it.” He set down the uneaten half of his sandwich, looking suddenly exhausted. “I’m sorry ladies, but I think I’m going to have to lie down for a bit.”
I stood quickly, reaching out to help him. He took my hand and held on tight, his eyes meeting mine. “I can manage,” he said softly. “You stay here. I’ll be fine.” He raised my hand, but instead of kissing the knuckles as he always did, he turned my wrist and pressed his lips to my palm, his eyes closed. The tender gesture made my throat tighten painfully with the threat of tears.
I glanced over my shoulder at Daisy, then said quietly to Nicholas, “I put your things in my room. I hope that’s okay. You can take one of the spare rooms if you’re more comfortable with that, I just…”
“Your room is exactly where I want to be,” he whispered. When he released my hand he smiled weakly at us, thanked Daisy for lunch, and made his way slowly from the kitchen.
Sighing, I slumped back into my chair, resting my elbows on the table. I stared at my hands until my vision shifted out of focus and blurred. When I finally raised my head, Daisy was watching me, her brows drawn.
“Are you all right, Emma?” she asked. “Really?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know, Daisy.” I sighed heavily and reached over to collect the pamphlets, tossing them on the table between us. “He’s the one who’s going to have to fight for his life over the next few months. He’s the one who’s going to be suffering.”
“Which means you’ll be suffering too,” Daisy said, reaching to take both my hands in hers. “You love him, and when someone you love is in pain it’s also distressing for you. You’ll feel his pain in a very real and acute way, but when it’s all over—when he’s better—you’ll feel that, too. This is like trial by fire, the ultimate test of any relationship. You’re so young. I don’t know if I’d have had your strength at nineteen.”
“I don’t know about that,” I said. “You’ve always been so strong. I feel like I’m slowly unraveling and I’m going to fall apart any minute, but I know I can’t.”
“And you won’t,” Daisy said firmly, tightening her grip on my hands until I met her eyes. “Nicholas will draw strength from you. And when you need to, you can draw strength from me. We’ll all get through this together. We’re a family.”
I nodded my head, silent tears spilling over my eyelashes and down my cheeks. I bent, resting my head on Daisy’s and my linked hands. She freed one of her hands and moved it slowly over my head, her gentle touch soothing. When I had regained control, I sat up and wiped my face with a napkin. “Nicholas and I…last night…”
“I know,” Daisy said, a conspiratorial grin flashing across her face. I must have looked shocked because she rushed on. “I knew the moment I saw you that you’d been together. You’re glowing, and even under his pale face, Nicholas has a new glow, too. You’re acting different together, more affectionate, more attentive. For a minute, I thought it could just be your concern for him, but then he gave you this look that had my heart stopping. This sort of secret ‘my god, I love you’ look.”
“Oh Daisy,” I said, renewed tears trailing down my face as my heart swelled, happiness warring with the fear that threatened to consume me. “It was so wonderful. I was afraid of what it might do to him, that it would exhaust him or make him feel worse, but he was different afterward…and during.” A giggle escaped my lips and heat rushed into my cheeks.
Daisy laughed quietly, shaking her head. “My little girl’s all grown up,” she said, and although her tone was light I could see something like sadness in her eyes.
We talked for a few more minutes as we cleared the lunch dishes, and once we finished tidying up I said I was going to go check on Nicholas. I paused outside my bedroom for a minute to collect my thoughts, then inched the door open so I wouldn’t make any noise. I didn’t have to worry about waking him though, because he was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.
“I’m so glad you came up,” he said without moving or looking at me. “My mind won’t stop working. It only seems to shut off when you’re with me.” He raised himself up on his elbows and looked at me. “Will you come lie with me, Emma? I’m so tired.”
Heart aching at his words, I made my way across the room and slid into bed beside him. He shifted to draw me into his arms, pressing feather-light kisses across my brow before closing his eyes.
Within seconds, his breathing had deepened, and I realized I was holding my own breath, afraid to move. Exhaling slowly, I closed my eyes and joined Nicholas in sleep.
*****
When I woke up, the sky was just beginning to turn orange. For a moment I thought we must have slept for seven or eight hours, but then I remembered it was autumn and the sun had begun setting late in the afternoon. For years, it wasn’t something I had ever consciously noticed. Time never had much meaning to me other than ‘it’s time for class’, or ‘I have another hour left to study’, or ‘this project is due in three days’.
The passing of time and even the passing of seasons had all sort of blended together until I came to Riverview, and time finally started to mean something. Spring had eased into summer and summer had rolled into fall; I could remember every single day with vivid crystal-bright clar
ity. It was like life had finally come into focus after being fuzzy for most of my life.
I looked over at Nicholas, his features soft with sleep. I wanted to kiss the dark circles under his eyes and bring colour back to his cheeks. He was normally so full of life, so vibrant, it was hard to get used to seeing him any other way, just like it was hard to get used to the sun setting earlier in autumn.
Sighing, I started to roll over, but before I could do so, Nicholas’s arms tightened around me. He was smiling sleepily even though his eyes were still closed.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” I whispered. “Go back to sleep, you need your rest.”
Nicholas shook his head, and when those impossibly blue eyes finally opened and met mine, all my worries faded briefly into the background. “I feel a lot better,” he said, reaching up to stroke my hair. He looked into my face before his gaze moved past me to the window. “Let’s go watch the sunset.”
For a second, my worries returned. It was cool outside, what if he got a chill or caught something? He needed his immune system as strong as possible to get through the chemo. Different ‘what ifs’ ran through my head until I saw the hopeful look on Nicholas’s face and my mind was made up for me. “Let’s go.”
As we descended the stairs hand-in-hand I heard soft music coming from Daisy’s end of the house and knew she was in her creative room. I thought she and I might cook dinner together a little later and the three of us could eat in the living room with a fire going. It would be cozy and comfortable, and with the fire Nicholas would stay warm.
Out on the back porch Nicholas picked up one of the afghans we’d started leaving outside for cool days, and wrapped it around himself before sitting down. I pulled another chair closer to his and started to sit down, but he took my hand and pulled me into his lap. I sat stiffly for a minute, worried I would hurt him. When he tilted his head and gave me a look that said ‘you’re not going to break me’, I relaxed and leaned against him, resting my head on his chest.
Nicholas wrapped his arms around me and we sat in the dusk’s fading light, the sky all pink and purple and peach. Silently, we watched the first stars appear; it was a sight that always made me feel awestruck. For someone who had grown up in the city—where the only time stars were visible was during a blackout—it was almost magical to see the stars winking into life, like some unseen hand lighting a million tiny candles in the sky. As the moon rose high to join the stars I tilted my head to look up at Nicholas.
His face was turned toward the sky, and I could see the twinkling stars reflected in his bluer-than-blue eyes. He must have realized I was watching him, because he looked down at me with a soft smile and kissed me on the forehead.
“What are you thinking about?” I whispered.
He was quiet for a moment as he looked back up at the darkening sky. I could feel his chest move as he breathed a long sigh. “I’m thinking about how our life could be together.”
I was shocked at the statement, so simple and yet full of meaning. My shock was soon overtaken by pleasure and excitement, and I leaned into Nicholas again, wrapping my arms around him tighter. “Tell me.”
Nicholas painted a picture of words, detailing how he envisioned our life together in Riverview. We would draw up plans and he would build my dream house, complete with the window seat, built-in bookshelves, and fireplaces I’d always hoped for. He said he would even build me an office or a creative room like Daisy’s so I could have a room for myself to do whatever took my fancy. We would get married—an intimate wedding with family and close friends—and then move into our new home and build our life together from there.
We would travel and enjoy each other’s company, do spontaneous things and surprise each other every day. Eventually, we would have children and he would build them a playground in the backyard with swings and a slide and a sandbox, and maybe even a fort they could escape to when they needed to be alone.
“We’ll raise our children together as partners in parenting, and give them all the love and support in the world and every opportunity possible. They’ll have the best of everything, but they’ll know how to work hard, too,” Nicholas said, a small smile lighting his features. “Then when they grow up and move out, we’ll sit back and revel in our accomplishments, knowing we’ve helped our children flourish and grow and become people we’re proud of. We’ll enjoy quiet days alone, maybe do more traveling, and then settle in for the winter of our lives, complete with grandchildren who we’ll love and spoil.”
When Nicholas finished laying it all out for me, I blinked tears from my eyes, and simply stared at him in wonder. He had obviously given this a great deal of thought, and the best part was, I could picture it all so clearly like a movie in my head. I saw us growing older together, could envision the dream house and the children and everything else Nicholas had said.
Voice unsteady, I said, “Wow. You’ve thought of everything.”
Nicholas laughed under his breath and kissed the top of my head. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. That life can be ours, Emma. I just need to get well again.”
“You will," I said firmly, the words a command, a hope, a wish, and a prayer all in one. “You will.”
*****
Over the next week Nicholas and I went back and forth between Daisy’s house and the Shaw house. Nicholas was too tired to do much, but he appreciated the variety in scenery, and if we wanted to be alone, his was the perfect place, since Sam was still away on business.
Sam called several times a day to check on Nicholas, his voice full of regret and sadness as he apologized over and over for having to be so far away while Nicholas was sick. Nicholas, Daisy, and I took turns reassuring him that everything was fine and he didn’t need to feel guilty for something that was beyond his control. Nicholas was the most vocal of all, telling his dad firmly that he loved him, didn’t blame him, and he was being well taken care of.
Daisy and I tried to live up to that by making sure Nicholas had everything he needed. We cooked healthy meals that the three of us ate in a different place every day, alternating between the porch, the living room, and the kitchen, just to keep things interesting. Vince and Maggie brought take-out from the diner one night, and the five of us spread out blankets and ate picnic-style on the living room floor in front of the fireplace. We all tried to keep the tone light, fun, and spontaneous, as it always had been.
Nicholas and I went for a walk every night to keep up his strength. Roy had warned us to expect a noticeable deterioration in Nicholas’s physical strength, but to try as much as possible to carry on with regular life until treatments started. I could see the slow progression of it, especially when we took our walks; I knew it was hard for him, knew it tired him out more than anything, but he insisted on continuing even when we had to walk so slow it felt like we were almost standing still.
As the date to check into the hospital and start treatments drew closer, the tension became more and more visible in Nicholas. His jaw was often clenched, his brow furrowed, and his shoulders hunched from tension, fatigue, and worry. The dark circles under his eyes returned, even though I knew he slept well at night—he told me he was able to relax and sleep soundly knowing I was there beside him if he needed me.
I would often walk into a room and find him pacing. He joked that it was part of his exercise routine to build strength before the chemo, but I could see the fear in his eyes and knew it was because his mind was constantly racing and the movement somehow kept him grounded.
Nicholas was due at Maltonville Hospital to start his treatments on Monday, September sixteenth. That morning, we both slept in, and when we awoke, it was as if we had a silent agreement not to talk about the hospital or anything having to do with the cancer. We went about our morning as we had for the past week, getting ready, then eating breakfast in the kitchen with Daisy.
When the grandfather clock in the living room struck ten, all three of us jumped as if the familiar gonging was something more ominous, like a gu
nshot. Nicholas and I looked at each other, our gazes locked for a few seemingly endless seconds before he said, “I guess it’s time to go.”
My mouth was suddenly so dry I was unable to respond, so I just nodded my head and pushed away from the table. A few minutes later, as I came down the stairs with Nicholas’s overnight bag, along with a small canvas bag I had packed, I could hear a car pulling up outside.
Nicholas and Daisy were standing side by side in the foyer, their shoulders touching, their faces blank. My stomach clenched painfully at the sight of them—my two favourite people in the world, normally bright, happy, laughing, and joking—now with grave faces that were almost unrecognizable.
I wondered if they hadn’t heard the car pulling up outside, but as footsteps sounded on the porch Nicholas stepped forward and opened the door. Maggie was standing there with her fist raised, ready to knock; Vince was off to the side, hands stuffed in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels with his brows drawn.
Without a word Maggie stepped forward and Nicholas wrapped his arms around her. Over Nicholas’s shoulder I could see that her eyes were red from crying, and when she met my gaze, tears welled and spilled over her cheeks. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry,” she said, stepping away from Nicholas and hastily wiping at her wet cheeks. “Vince didn’t want us to come until I could get myself under control, but I knew if we didn’t leave soon we’d miss seeing you before you left.”
She looked so guilty that Nicholas put his arms around her again, making soothing sounds as he rubbed her back in wide circles. “It’s all right, Mags. I’m going to be fine. I’ll be seeing you guys in a few days, and Emma’s going to be with me.”
“I know,” Maggie said, stepping back and taking a deep breath, then giving Nicholas a watery smile. “You’re the strongest man I know…next to Vince of course.” She looked over her shoulder at Vince, her smile more genuine this time, radiating love. “I’m not worried. We’re just going to miss you, that’s all.”
