“Hey, baby girl, thank you for making me cookies.” Jackson leans in and says to Lilah, who has her face buried in my chest. “Did you eat pizza yesterday? I ordered the biggest pizza for you and told them it was for a special girl.”
“I hab two pieces,” she says on a nod while she holds up her hand, showing five fingers.
“Did you? Wow, you eat more than me! We’re going to have to call you dough girl.” He tickles her belly while she squirms to get away from him.
“She is so adorable! Hello there, princess, what’s your name?” Nancy asks her.
Jackson leans into her and whispers something in her ear I can’t hear, but she nods her head yes. “Go ahead, tell her your name and then I’ll take you out to play in the sand.”
“Lilah,” she says to Nancy then turns to Jackson. “Now we go sand? We go park?” She looks at me. “Momma, park, you come park? With Ackson?”
“I don’t—” I start to talk and then Nancy cuts me off.
“Oh, you have to! She is going to love it. Go ahead and take them outside, Jackson. Brenda and I can start on the lunch I brought over, and we can all have a late lunch or early dinner together. Do you like meatballs, Lilah? I made my special kind, and we can have it with spaghetti.”
“Pizza?” Lilah asks her.
Jackson grabs her from me, stunning me with how easily she went to him. Her eyes never leaving mine, I nod okay. “My mom’s meatballs are better than pizza.” He kisses her forehead and turns to walk outside.
“Aren’t you going to go put on a T-shirt or something?” I say to his tanned, muscular back, which is also covered in some ink designs.
“Are you uncomfortable with me being without a shirt? If you are, I’ll go inside and put one on.” He stops walking and looks at me. I’m being silly. He isn’t like them. He isn’t flaunting it, looking for a reaction. I shake my head no. He turns around, asking Lilah where she wants to go first, the sand pit or the slide.
It’s no surprise she says the sand pit. Once he sits her at the edge of the box, he brings out a plastic bag with shovels and pails and animal-shaped forms.
What he does next stops me in my tracks, though. He sits down right next to her in the sand, his big body bending in half to get close to her as he fills the pails with sand for her to turn over as she follows his instructions to build the castle.
“We should make four castles and then put water all around so no one can come in and see you without swimming over.” Jackson fills up a bucket while Lilah fills in another one.
“I want four castles. No monters in castles? Momma no ouchies in castles. We go castles, Ackson, come castles?”
“No, sweetheart, no one gets ouchies in castles,” he says to her, not even making eye contact with me. His hands shake as he continues to fill the pail up with sand.
“You don’t have to play with her. You can go rest or help your mom. I can take it from here.” I walk slowly to them.
He looks up, his eyes shooting daggers at me.
“I’m making castles with Lilah, where there are no ouchies or monsters. Got it, Bella? I’m going to make it safe for her and for you. So why don’t you go help my mother so I can make it safe?”
The determination in his eyes makes my breath catch. I have no idea what he’s talking about, if it’s the monsters or the ouchies, but I hear his message loud and clear. He is going to do his damnedest to make sure I’m safe and so is Lilah.
With that thought, I sit on the grass right next to the sand pit and listen to them talk about how they will build bridges and put alligators all around to eat the monsters.
Chapter Thirteen
Jackson
“What are you doing?” my mother whispers to me while I bring in the rest of the dirty dishes.
After playing in the sand box with Lilah, her telling me about monsters and fucking ouchies, it took everything I had not to go hulk over the whole situation. I sat in my corner, filling buckets and more buckets with sand, trying not to glance over at Bella, who was sitting with her knees up, her head resting on them.
My mother and Brenda finished preparing lunch and called us in, where we devoured everything. Not a single meatball left over. Lilah’s face had tomato sauce from ear to ear. She slurped up the spaghetti faster than I cleaned my plate.
I knew Bella was nervous because she kept pushing her food around her plate. It also had to do with the fact my mother just didn’t know when to stop asking fucking questions.
Finally I dropped my fork onto my plate, which made an echoing sound that had Lilah covering her ears. The look of fear in both girls’ eyes finally got my mother to stop with the questions.
Brenda filled the awkward silence with the stories of their shopping trip. Once everyone finished eating, I told Lilah about my big television and my cartoon channel.
Her eyes were big like saucers, begging her mom for just one second of watching.
She tried to tell Lilah no. She also tried to help us clean up, but both my mother and I put our foot down. “Guests don’t touch a thing. House rules.”
She just nodded, trying to make an excuse to leave, but Lilah was too busy pulling her hand toward the living room.
Brenda quickly made her escape, claiming she was tired and needed a nap, leaving behind the two girls, who are now curled up on my couch, sleeping.
“I’m not doing anything, Mom. I’m helping my friend’s granddaughter and her daughter feel safe.” I put the dishes down next to her quietly.
“Jackson, I see the way you look at her. You want to save her. She isn’t going to let you save her if she can’t save herself.” She just continues washing the dishes, not making eye contact with me.
“Mom, look at me!”
“Did you see Lilah when I dropped my fork? You know they are fighting something even bigger than I can save them from.”
“Jackson, I do—”
I cut her off before she finishes her sentence. “She asked me to help her build a castle to keep the monsters away.”
My mother gasps, bringing her hand to her mouth, water leaking everywhere.
“And that isn’t the worst of it. She wants to make sure they don’t get any ouchies, Mom, fucking ouchies.”
The tear runs down my mother’s cheek.
“I have no idea what they are running from, but I’m going to make fucking sure when they are here or when they are in that house”—I point to their house across the street—“nothing and no one will touch them.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt. I’ve never seen you look at someone like you look at them. Not even Kendall.”
“That’s over and done with.”
“Jackson, Kendall will never move on no matter how much I tell her she is chasing empty promises.”
“I told her it was over. It’s over. She deserves better than to wait for me. It will never happen. I will never love her the way she should be loved.”
We stop talking, and she continues washing the dishes with me drying them.
“You have a beautiful heart, Son. You just have to forget the past. We need to move on. You have been stuck there. Nothing you could have done would change what happened. You need to forgive yourself.” She cups my face in both hands. “I love you more than words, so I’m going to be the bearer of bad news. That girl is so broken, I don’t think even you can fix her. I don’t think anyone can.”
I try to shake my head out of her grip.
“But I know if you set your mind to something, you won’t let it go. So, for the sake of you and for your heart, I hope you get through to her. If not for her, then for that little girl.” She leans up and kisses me.
“Now I’m going to let myself out quietly so I don’t wake them, but I expect you to call me and fill me in. Frequently.” She grabs her purse. “Don’t make me pull out the poor old mom card, because I will.” She walks out of the house, shutting the door with a quiet click.
I laugh at the thought she is an old mom when I make my way into the li
ving room. Bella is lying down with Lilah in front of her. The television is playing some kids TV show.
They are so small they don’t even take up half the couch. I sit next to them and switch the channels, trying to decide what to watch. I finally land on Die Hard.
Throwing the remote next to me, I put my head back and think of the day. It takes me four seconds to close my eyes.
When I feel my hand being tapped, I wake up confused for a second. The television is on a blue screen. The lights from outside bring some light inside.
“Your hand is blocking me from getting up,” Bella whispers.
I look down. Her feet are in my lap, and my arm is draped across them.
“What time is it?” My eyes get used to the darkness.
“I have no idea. I think I’ve been up for about an hour now, hoping you would move. I didn’t want to wake you, but...ummm, I have to pee.”
I move my hand from her leg, leaning over to grab Lilah from her so she can move. Placing her in my lap, I cradle her while Bella goes to the bathroom.
“Let me take her. I’m going to go. I’m so sorry we fell asleep. Must have been all the fresh air.” She goes to take Lilah out of my arms, but I stand up before she can reach her.
“I’ll carry her over. Go ahead.”
“Jackson, you don’t need to do that. I think I can walk across the street.” She places her hands on her hips.
“Good to know, now walk across it. I’ll bring Lilah.”
“Fine, ass,” she says under her breath. Once she opens up, you can see she’s feisty. Coming into her own.
When we make it to the door, she opens it, trying to grab Lilah again. Walking right past her to the stairs, I ask her, “What room does she sleep in? Or does she sleep with you?”
“Umm, she has her room, but she likes to sleep in bed with me. She’s growing out of it.” She walks past me up the stairs, so I follow.
“I slept with my mother and father until I was eight, maybe nine.” I laugh, thinking about my father complaining every single night when he couldn’t get comfortable.
Making my way into her room, I see she has already changed the covers to the new ones she bought yesterday. Little touches here and there show me she is making it her home.
She takes off the million throw pillows she has on the bed, turning down the cover. I place Lilah in the middle of the bed, then pick up a couple of throw pillows, placing them on the sides of the bed just to make sure she can’t fall off.
Once I see she is safe and secure, I make my way out of the room. I hear Bella following behind me.
“Thank you for today. She had a great time. It was her first time playing in sand.”
I turn to look at her. I’m two steps below her, which makes me even in height with her.
“Anytime she wants to play in the sand box, you can bring her over.”
“I don’t want to intrude. I’m going to see if there is a park around here, maybe take her there.”
I grab her hips in my hands. Her body starts to shake. “I will never, ever hurt you.” I don’t move my hands off her. “I will never, ever hurt her. I would die before I let anything happen.”
“You don’t know anything about us.” She pushes my hands off her hips.
“I don’t need to know anything about you to make that promise. I’d do anything to make sure you two were safe. Now I’m going to leave before we say things out of anger.”
I turn to walk away, knowing if I stay, shit will fly out of my mouth.
“I’m broken. Your mother is right. You can’t save me, and you can’t heal me. I have one goal in my life now, and it’s to make sure Lilah knows what love is. Unconditional love. The kind of love that fills her heart and she feels in her soul. The kind of love where she feels cherished and protected and never, ever on guard. The kind of love where they accept her just as she is so she never has to be someone she isn’t. That is my goal.” She starts to walk past me, but I grab her arm, turning her toward me.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m not saying anything will happen between us, but from now on, my goal is to make sure that you both have that.” She opens her mouth to say something, but I place my finger on her lips before she can say anything. “Good night, Bella. Sweet dreams, see you tomorrow.” I walk out the door.
I’m halfway across the street before I hear the telltale signs of the lock clicking. She’s letting me know she is locking me out. Little does she know, though, I’ve just accepted the challenge she dished out.
Chapter Fourteen
Bella
Turning off the shower, I take a second to listen to see if Lilah is up. I finally dozed off at around five when the sun was coming up, but my dreams were so vivid again. I didn’t want a repeat.
Drying myself off with the big, cushiony white towel, I run my hand through the fog coating the mirror.
It’s the first time I really look at myself. My cheeks are still a bit hollow, but my skin has some color to it again. My hair is clean and shiny, but the biggest change is my eyes. It’s no wonder what a month of healing can do.
They are the eyes of my past. The eyes I had before the nightmare began. My blue eyes aren’t shinning with light. You can still see the sorrow, the pain. But I also see determination in them.
I didn’t recognize the girl who stared back at me the last few years, but little by little, I’m starting to see an older, wiser version of the girl I once was. Too bad it took losing myself in order to fight for myself.
“Mommmmmmmmmaaaaaa, Mommmmmmmmaaaa,” Lilah screams, making me bolt into the room. I see her sitting in the middle of the bed surrounded by the throw pillows Jackson put all around her last night.
“Hey there, pretty girl. What’s with all this noise this morning?” I gather her up in my arms.
“I fink you leabe me.”
“Never. I will never leave you. You know that, stinky face.” I kiss her nose. “Now let’s go brush your teeth and then see what we can make for breakfast.”
I quickly drop her on the stool, putting toothpaste on her toothbrush, and go to get myself dressed.
The bruises are finally gone, so I’m going to wear shorts and a tank top. At least I won’t melt today. The last couple of days with the long pants and the long sleeves, I thought I was going to faint a couple times a day.
The day runs smoothly with just the two of us. Brenda has passed by earlier to let us know she’s going to visit a friend a couple of towns over and will be back late tonight or maybe tomorrow, she hasn’t decided yet.
Lilah and I are starting our very own routine. Except for the fact she asks for Jackson sand castles a million times an hour.
I start dinner in the crock pot. Thank you to Google for those recipes. Let’s hope they actually turn out okay, or we will need to order pizza that Lilah keeps asking for.
“Momma sand castles?” She looks up from her coloring book.
“No sand castles, love bug, but how about we go blow bubbles outside?” I’m bringing out the big guns.
She scoots her chair back and runs to the front door, picking up the bag that holds all the bubble stuff in it.
Another present from Brenda. She even bought a bubble machine. You plug it in, and it blows out a constant stream of bubbles. I make a mental note to hide it in the closet, deep, deep in the closet.
We’ve been blowing bubbles for about five minutes when I hear a truck slow down and turn into Jackson’s driveway.
“Momma, look, Ackson.” She points across the street just as he gets out of his truck, smiling at us.
He makes his way over with Lilah yelling, “Ackson, we make bubbles, no sand castles.”
He scoops her up in his arms kissing her cheeks, making her giggle.
“What do you mean no sand castles?” he asks her.
“Momma said no.”
I look at her and think traitor in my mind.
“Is that right, princess? Would you like to order pizza and then make some sand castles?” he ask
s her like she really has the power to make these decisions.
“Actually I’ve got the crock pot on with some chili. It has been going all day. So pizza is a no-go.” My hands are itching to grab Lilah away from him.
“Okay, princess, no pizza, but maybe Mommy will let you come play in the sand while I take a shower before we eat chili.”
Did he just invite himself over for dinner? I’m thinking about how to play this off and how to uninvite him.
I hear a gasp, which knocks me back to the present conversation.
“Momma, Ackson say we go sand.” She wiggles herself out of his arms to grab my hand, dragging me across the street, while she follows Jackson to the side gate.
“Okay, princess, you can go play while Mommy watches, and I take a shower. Then we can have some chili and maybe some ice cream.” He stoops down to her right before she runs into the backyard, diving for the sand box.
“Now you will have to break a promise to her, because one, you aren’t coming for dinner, and two, I have no ice cream.” I fold my hands over my chest, making my small breasts seem fuller.
I see Jackson’s eyes travel down.
“Why can’t I come for dinner? You were here yesterday. I was thinking we could walk to the ice cream parlor in town. She has a stroller or you think she’ll be okay walking there?”
“I don’t know if you will even like it. I made it with ground turkey meat because it’s healthier. You don’t look like you eat healthy.” I try to look past him toward the sand box where Lilah is playing.
His laughing makes me look back at him. “How does someone who eats healthy look, Bella?” he says, teasing me.
I wave my hand up and down in front of him. “Not like that. I think they look smaller than you.”
He continues to belly laugh. “I like when you keep looking at me like that, Bella.”
“I don’t look at you.” I stumble, walking past him now to get Lilah. “Come on, baby, I have to go check the chili.”
Hell And Back Page 7
