Once we make it to Brenda’s car, I see Brenda help Bella into the car, then I go to settle Lilah in her car seat “I’ll see you later, princess, take good care of your mom.” I kiss her on the nose and close the door the same time Brenda closes the front door.
“Give her time, Jackson, but whatever you do, don’t stay away.”
With those parting words, she gets in her car and drives off, leaving Mick and me standing in the parking lot.
“Let’s go get you something strong to drink. Fuck, I think I need it more than you do after that scene,” he says while walking away.
We end up at our favorite watering hole where I nurse a beer for six hours while Mick drowns himself in a bottle of Jack.
The messages I receive from Brenda have my mind at ease. They are both home. Settling in. Brian is outside, sending me hourly updates.
By the time we make it out into the darkness, I carry Mick into my truck and dump him off on his couch while he keeps talking in his sleep. No idea what he’s saying, but I’m sure he obviously owes someone an apology since he’s been muttering ‘I’m so sorry’ over and over.
By the time I park my truck in my driveway, I look over at the house that is pitch-black.
I know the alarm is set since it sends my phone a notification when she turns it on and off.
I wave to Brian, who sits in his car while I go sit on the swing outside of her house.
I can’t even explain what is going on; my feet just led me here. So here I sit outside, knowing just inside those doors lies the woman who has taken over my mind, heart, and my fucking soul.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Bella
I lie awake, staring outside while Lilah sleeps next to me.
I know I should be sleeping, but it’s almost like I’m so excited to be home that I just can’t turn it off.
As soon as I stepped into the house, I knew things were different. The first thing was the alarm beeping while Brenda put in her code. She turned and looked at me. “We each have our own code so they can see who turns it on and off.”
I looked around the house, taking in the alarm panel at the door as well as all the cameras in each and every single corner.
Brenda walked over to the computer screen right next to the television and switched it on. The screen filled with small squares from every room in my house. Lilah must love this because she ran over to the middle of the room. “Momma, watch me on the television.” She then squatted down, shaking her bum while trying to dance.
I sat down on the couch when the front door opened again and it was followed by a ding dong. “What is that?”
“Every door has its own sound so you know where it’s coming from,” Brenda explained while telling Hulk to put the things on the table. “If you go out the back door, it does this.” She opened the back door to a sound of beep beep.
I looked around at all that and waited for someone to jump out and tell me they were kidding.
“What is going on right now?” I asked more the universe than anyone else, but Lilah climbed up next to me.
“Ackson make me safe, Momma, for you,” she said almost matter-of-fact.
“Yes, baby, he made you safe,” I said to her. The love she had for Jackson was apparent, and let’s face it, he was her family.
“There is also a sound when you open and close certain doors that lead outside,” Brenda continued saying, “and there are panic buttons in every single room. They’re silent, by the way.” She looked over at Lilah. “She tested them yesterday. You would think the President of the United States was coming with all the cars that got here.”
I looked over at her with my mouth open. “What do you mean?”
“Jackson may have gone a little overboard, but he has it hooked up to every single law enforcement agency in the area. He also included the fire department and paramedics.” She looked at me like that was normal. “Oh, and of course, the security detail that’s surrounding you.”
The police, a security detail, firemen, paramedics...he had lost his mind.
I let out a yawn while listening to Brenda speak about everything. I may not be in tip top shape, but I was still worn out.
“Lilah, why don’t we take a nap?” I tried to coax her into napping with me so I could have some shut-eye.
“No nap, Momma, sand castles?” she asked me while she grabbed my cheeks so she could look into my eyes.
“Oh, you go on up there and take a nap. I’ll take her across the street so she can play,” Brenda said while putting away the breakfast plates that were left drying.
“Brenda, it’s too much, you must be exhausted.” I thought about this woman who had stepped up and taken my daughter and me into her life with no hesitation. Who never gave a second thought, just stepped up and took care of my daughter while I was in the hospital.
She shooed me off with a, “Please, I’ve never felt younger in my life.” She grabbed Lilah’s hat and sunscreen.
“You go nap. I’m going to go build some castles with my little heart.”
With that the two of them were gone, leaving me all alone. I didn’t know if it was the fact that I knew I was as well guarded and protected as Fort Knox, but I didn’t feel scared anymore.
Once I made my way upstairs, I started to look for the panic button just in case.
My nap ended up being a deep, restful four-hour sleep which is probably why I’m not tired now.
I make my way to the window, looking outside. I take in the security car parked right in front of my door. I also notice Jackson is home, his truck parked in the driveway while his house sits as dark as the night.
I pull on a robe, making my way downstairs. I grab myself the throw blanket I have on the couch with a pillow. I know one thing will make me tired—watching the stars.
Making sure to enter my code before opening the door, I step out onto the porch, turning to the swing.
I stop in my tracks when I see the blue eyes I can’t seem to let go of staring back at me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him, holding the stuff to my chest to stop my heart from beating faster than normal.
“You’re here,” he whispers to me.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Jackson
I sit in the swing and look up at the stars as I wonder how the fuck I’m going to get through to her.
I’m on the swing for a few minutes when my phone buzzes in my pocket. I look at it and see an alert advising me the front door has been unarmed.
I don’t know if I should walk home or stay and let the chips fall where they may.
As soon as I see her walking outside with a blanket and pillow, I know she was coming to lie outside.
She stops in her tracks when she sees me.
“What are you doing here?” she asks, bringing the cover and pillow to her chest.
I don’t know what to say, so I say the only thing that comes close to the truth.
“You’re here,” I whisper to her.
“You should go,” she tells me but doesn’t move.
“You have to listen to me,” I beg. I put my elbows on my knees and hide my frustration and nerves by running my fingers through my hair. “Please.” I sigh.
“I kicked him out of my mother’s house when he was sixteen,” I start there, hoping she lets me continue. “For seven years, I searched for him. It’s the reason I went into law enforcement. It’s the reason I take every case involving missing children and drugs that comes across my desk. It’s the reason I’m me.” I shake my head. “I sat at the dinner table every single night with my mother. Looking into her sad eyes, knowing she blamed me for kicking him out and sending him away. She never said it like that, but I felt it. I vowed to find him and bring him home. For her. But I failed. I never found him.”
She places the blanket and pillow on the swing, sitting on the other side of it.
“I let him down, and I let my mother down. My father had just been killed in the line of duty, and we all handled it
badly. Instead of stepping up to be the man of the house like I should have, I was out doing what any other normal eighteen-year-old would do. I knew he was hanging with the wrong crowd, but I didn’t realize just how wrong they were. I never, ever imagined he would get into drugs. Ever. I walked in on him with a needle in his arm, and the next day I chased him out of the house.”
“Jackson,” she whispers, shivering with either the breeze or the story, and I grab the blanket and wrap it around her.
“When I saw you in the alley with him on top of you…” Tears burn my eyes, ready to fall. “I just reacted and ripped him right off of you. When I saw his face and realized it was Adam, I thought I was imagining things. Seeing my brother, who I thought was dead, for the first time in seven years was too much. But all of that on top of what he was doing to you, who he was to you. I just snapped.” The tears I had been trying to hold back start to fall down my face. “I saw your blood on his hands, and I was filled with such rage. I knew right then and there I was going to kill him.” I hold my hands together to still the rage that courses through me at the memory.
She reaches over and places her hand on top of my own. “Don’t say that.”
“You have to know I had no idea who you were. I swear to you, on my life, I would never lie to you.”
The tears flow down her face now. The blanket slips off one of her shoulders. I reach out to pull it back into place, and my fingers graze her collarbone. Such a slight, simple touch, but her body responds with goose bumps.
“I can’t lose you, Bella. You own me. My heart, my body, my soul. Everything is yours. Sitting by your bed, watching you fight for your life knowing my brother did that to you, I can’t tell you what it did to me. I can’t explain it. It was worse than looking into my mother’s eyes across the table all these years.” I move a bit closer to her. “I would give my life for yours, I would give—”
She stops me by placing her fingers on my lips. “Don’t say it,” she softly whispers to me.
“I can’t leave you. I can’t walk away. If I have to sit out here every single night just to be near you, I will.” Her face is so close to mine, if I lean just a bit closer to her, our lips would touch, but I don’t want to push her.
I wipe a tear from the corner of her eye with my thumb. “What do I have to do to make you see I didn’t lie to you, not now, not fucking ever?” I plead with her. “What is it going to take to see you smile at me again with that light in your eyes?”
“I don’t know if I can do this,” she says to me honestly.
“I sat by your bed all night, every night, holding your hand in mine just so I could feel your heartbeat under my fingers.” I brush my fingers along her wrist to show her what I mean. “Every single night, our heartbeats would match, if only for the night.”
“It was you?” she asks, a little bit shocked, but not totally surprised.
“I never left your side, not for one minute. I would never leave your side, Bella.” I pick up her hand and kiss her wrist where I had been stroking it.
She moves closer to me, her crossed leg resting on my thigh. “I felt you.” Her fingers trace the interlocking tattoo on my arm. “I didn’t know then it was you, but I suspected.” Her eyes come up to meet mine. “I felt peaceful in a way that I have never felt before then.” She scoots closer as I pull my hand from hers to let it rest on the back of the swing, giving her the choice to come to me.
“I felt safe, I felt whole, I felt love. Even as I slipped in and out of consciousness, I heard you there. Felt you there. I believe you.” She leans in and kisses me. Softly, gently, with love, like an angel. Like the angel she is.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Bella
As soon as I found him on the swing, I saw in his eyes the pain he was in.
I knew the storm he was fighting within himself. Then he bared his soul to me. Shed his demons to me, opened himself to me.
I knew in that moment I loved him. I knew he would lay down his life for mine and for Lilah’s. I knew he hadn’t lied to me and he never would. I knew that in his arms, I would never feel fear.
It was also in that moment I took the second biggest leap of faith in my life. For me, for him, for us.
I also knew I had to be the one to make the first move. I had to show him that I chose him. That I believed him.
The minute I felt his lips against mine, I knew it was a kiss that would seal our fate in a way. It was a promise to each other, a commitment to take this leap of faith with each other. It was a promise that when things got difficult, instead of pushing him away, I’d be pulling him closer.
I let the kiss linger for a minute or two. I grab the pillow and get up. He looks up at me in confusion until I hold my hand out to him from beneath the blanket and say, “Let’s go to bed, Jackson.”
Even in the darkness, I can see the relief shining in his eyes. He follows me inside, bringing in the pillow since my other hand is holding on to his with a vise-like grip.
He puts in his code as soon as the door closes. “Why am I not surprised you got your own code?” I smile at him teasingly.
“I almost had them put the camera feed on my television, but, apparently, there are laws against that.” He smiles back at me sheepishly while throwing the pillow onto the couch.
I walk upstairs with him, but he stops. “What about Lilah?” he asks me.
“It’s okay, Jackson. Brenda got her used to her own bed, so mine is all free.” I get on my tippy toes to kiss under his chin.
“That bed will never be empty.”
“Okay then. Now can we please, please go to bed? I’m so tired,” I say, trying to hide the yawn that sounds exactly like Lilah’s earlier.
“Go get into bed. I’m going to make sure Lilah is okay and check the doors and windows.”
I look at him. “You have this place more wired than Radio Shack. She’s fine.”
“Let me see for myself.” He walks over to her room, slipping inside, and covering her with her pink blanket she kicked off.
“She is only going to kick it off again,” I tell him while he starts to check the windows.
I follow him out of the room once he does all of his security checks.
“What side of the bed do you sleep on?” he asks me before choosing his side.
I shrug. “I don’t really have a side. We would just sleep in the middle.”
“Okay. I would like to sleep closest to the door, just in case someone comes in or we have to bolt. I’ll be able to get Lilah before you even get up,” he says, throwing off the covers.
“Do you want to shower first?” I ask him just in case he’s shy.
“You saying I smell, angel?” he says while he takes off his shirt. I cannot stop my eyes from their perusal of his chest and tight abs.
When we were on the couch, I never really got the chance to actually look at him. He is all hard muscle and smooth skin. His abs are flawless with those six definitions of perfection.
“You like what you see, angel?” he asks with a lightness I haven’t heard from him in so long.
It snaps me back into the moment, and I realize I’m standing here gawking at him. I try to play it off, throwing the covers off my side of the bed. “No, I was just looking is all.”
“Oh, you don’t have to stop looking, but I have to warn you that if you do, my chest and abs won’t be the only muscles hardening up for you,” he says, pointing to the big bulge in his pants. “Mr. Big will definitely pop up to say hello.”
“You named your penis Mr. Big?” I say while I grab a chopstick from my side table to scratch inside the cast on my arm. “I mean, what if you aren’t Mr. Big? How do you know you’re not more like Mr. Average?” I tease him, knowing how men get about their penis size.
“I can totally show it to you right here right now for research purposes, angel. Trust me, there’s nothing average about Mr. Big,” he says as he unbuckles his pants.
I turn my head, shielding my eyes. “Okay, okay! I believe you.
We can save show and tell for another day, please.” I crawl into bed on my knees.
“Angel, do you want me to keep my jeans on?” he asks, making sure I’m comfortable with the speed this is going.
“You would never take advantage of a one-handed woman, so you can take the jeans off. Mr. Big has to stay under wraps, though.” I point the chopstick at his crotch.
“What the fuck are you doing with a chopstick in here?” he asks me.
“This cast is itchy! I can’t scratch it, so Brenda brought me this. You try having an itch you can’t scratch!” I tell him tartly.
He shuts off the lights before removing his pants. “Oh, trust me, I know the feeling of having an itch and not being able to scratch it,” he says while he climbs into bed.
“I have to sleep on my back because of my arm,” I whisper to him.
He pulls me to him, putting one hand under the pillows and throwing his other hand over my stomach. His legs intertwine with mine. “I don’t care how you sleep as long as I can hold you,” he says while he tries to get closer to me, but my arm blocks him.
I put my hand on his on my stomach, turning my face to look at him. “I missed you, and I’m so sorry for not listening to you at first and for pushing you away,” I tell him. It’s the truth. In these last two days, he was the only one I wanted here.
“Not being able to be in that room when you were awake was hard. Watching you finally get better, but not being there to hold your hand while you did it was painful, but I didn’t care as long as you got better, as long as you were healing.” His hand folds together with mine.
“Every time the door would open, I would force myself not to look outside just in case you really did leave me like I asked. I pushed you away, yet I was scared you would actually listen to me and go,” I whisper to him in the dark, quiet room.
The only sounds in the room right now are our breathing, the sound of my heart beating in my chest, and the sounds of his soft snore as he drifts to sleep.
Hell And Back Page 15
