by C. A. Harms
“Max…” I whispered, my throat burning heavily.
Ryan nodded his head and placed his hands on each side of my face. “I know, come on, baby girl. Let me take you to the hospital.”
All I could manage was a weak nod. I felt as if my heart was breaking with every breath I took. My throat was on fire and my head was swarming with, ‘What if?.’ questions.
Visions of Max on a stretcher or lying in a hospital bed filled my mind.
We hadn’t talked since the wedding, I had been avoiding him. I had to, because it was the only way I could get my head on straight. Keeping my distance was the only hope I had, if I ever wanted to prove that I needed more.
Now the only thing I needed was to be near him. I had to know he was okay. He had to be okay, I wouldn’t be able to take it if he wasn’t.
Chapter Three
Max
My family had for once listened to me. When I said I needed to be alone, they agreed. The only people who had entered my room over the last two hours had been the doctor and a couple of nurses. I continued to stare out the window¸ allowing the internal beating to continue.
Over and over I let my mind go to the night of the fire. What I should have done or could have done differently. How I could have changed the outcome. How I could have ensured the safe delivery of the innocent little boy that counted on me to follow through.
Every time I closed my eyes, I could see his terrified little gaze, looking back at me. Fisting the sheet at my side as the emotional stress of it all hit me, I tried to fight against it, but it was overtaking me with each second that ticked by. The tears burned as one dripped onto my cheek.
What the fuck was I doing? This pussy shit wasn’t me. I don’t break, I don’t fucking bend. I fight and push it all away. I don’t cave. I bury that shit and stand tall.
So why the hell was I falling apart now?
The soft click of the door caused me to hold my breath. I wanted to appear as if I were sleeping. The damn nurses needed to find someone else to screw with. My IV was good, they had just checked my vitals, and things were fine. I just wanted to be left alone.
I didn’t turn to look behind me. It didn’t matter who it was, I couldn’t show my weakness. I knew my heartache was written all over my face. I remained still, hoping they would soon leave the room.
“Max?” The softest whisper broke through the silence and my chest immediately tightened. Just another person I had failed. I had made her so miserable, every time I was near. I closed my eyes and silently prayed she would just turn and leave.
When I felt her hand lightly caress my arm, I bit the inside of my cheek. Her sniffling cry filled the room.
After a few deep breaths, I turned to face Bree. Seeing her red swollen eyes threatened me to break once again. I refused to speak because I knew I would crack.
“Hi,” she whispered as her voice vibrated with emotion. “I was so scared when I heard Kate’s message.”
I continued to stare at her without speaking. I wasn’t in the best state of mind right then. I was afraid of who I had become within the last few hours.
I had to maintain my cool. The best way to do that was shut down, build up the fucking steel walls and shove back. I needed to keep my distance from everyone. I had an inferno burning within me, and I was so close to exploding.
“I’m so glad you’re okay.” She took a deep shuddering breath. “You’re a hero Max…you saved…” I yanked my arm away and pain shot through my back. I squeezed my eyes tightly and hissed.
After the burning in my shoulder slowly let up, I looked up at her shocked, questioning expression.
“What the hell do you know? I’m not a fucking hero. That kid is in the hospital because of me, Bree. Because I didn’t follow through.” She stepped back from me, and I tried to fight the rage inside me. I knew that she meant nothing by her comment, but this was why I wanted to be alone. I’d been playing the blame game with myself since I woke up. I had built up one hell of an attitude, and it was only a matter of time before it erupted.
Bree didn’t deserve what she was being dealt. Being able to stop it was the problem, but I couldn’t. She just happened to be the one standing before me to catch it all.
“I’m sorry, I never meant to…” Bree’s tears ran down her cheeks heavily. “I just needed to see that you were okay. I’m gonna go. Sorry that I upset you, Max. I never intended to.”
She turned quickly and I didn’t stop her as she rushed from the room. I just took a deep breath and let my head rest back against the pillow. Closing my eyes tightly, I let out a frustrated groan.
“Max!” I looked up to see Riley rush in, followed closely by my brother-in-law. Zander was a good guy and he took care of Riley. That fact alone made him one of my favorite people. He was family. “Oh my god, Max, I was so worried.” Riley laid her head on my chest as she cried. “You scared the hell out of me. You could have died.”
Riley’s tears were hard to take. She was my little sister and my protective nature for her was overwhelming. When she was born, after having only brothers, it changed me; hell, it changed all of us. This girl was my partner in crime. I taught her to beat ass when all the boys in the neighborhood pegged her for an easy target. She could hang with the boys any day of the week. Most of the time, she had all of them walking away with their heads hung low. Getting beaten by a girl was hard for them to accept.
“I’m good Ry, don’t cry.” I hushed her and patted her shoulder. If anyone in my family knew how to handle me, it was Riley. She was more like me than my own twin. Riley stood tall and never backed down from me. The girl was a fireball that packed one hell of a punch. She never let my attitude get to her; she fired it right back.
After she calmed down enough to stand, she grabbed my face in her tiny little hands and forced me to look her in the eyes. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again…do you hear me?” I nodded my head but chose to remain silent. She still held my face firmly, as her eyes grew a little harder. “Now that I see you are in fact alive and ticking, do you mind telling me why Bree ran from this room crying?”
“Don’t, Ry.” It was all I could do to get out. I didn’t want to do this with her right now. I was still teetering on the verge of a shit storm, and Riley was poking the sleeping bear. “Leave it alone.”
She stood up, released my face, and placed her hands onto her hips. “When are you gonna realize, Max, that she loves you? When are you gonna stop worrying about everyone around you and start taking care of you and what you want? Claim what is yours, because god damn it, Max, she is yours, and you know that. Bree adores you, even after everything you have put her through. She loves you and you deserve that love.”
Riley had to stop. She needed to step the fuck back.
“I know what this is, Max.” I narrowed my eyes at her and waited for her to lay it all out, call me on my shit. I knew it was coming, because she read me like no one else could. “So this rescue didn’t go perfectly. You hit a snag and your ego can’t take it. You took a hit, and you needed help getting out of it. So fucking what, Max? Get over it. You are not superman, you damn asshole. Get out of your head for once and follow your heart. Stop letting your stubborn ass ego win. Please, Max, stop shutting out any chance of happiness. You need to stop worrying about everyone else for once. What about you, Max, huh? What about you?”
She hit the nail on the head. Bull’s eye. The problem was that I wasn’t ready to do this. Not here and not now. I didn’t feel like having a heart to heart. I didn’t want to sit here and tell my sister that she was right. I had fucked up in more ways than one, and I couldn’t handle it.
I turned and looked up at Zander, who stood at the end of my bed. His face was torn, and I could tell he didn’t know which way this was gonna go. He had no idea what to do and it showed.
“Do me a favor, man.” He nodded his head without speaking. “Get your wife out of here.”
He watched me closely, looking for any sign that I might be joking and,
when it didn’t come, he nodded. After a silent stare down, he grabbed Riley around the waist and led her from the room, her eyes filling with tears and her lower lip trembling as she fought against it.
“Wake up, Max, please, before you ruin it all.” Riley pleaded just before the door closed behind her, leaving the room once again silent.
Chapter Four
Bree
It had been almost a week since I ran out of Max’s hospital room. I was so hurt by his actions and I couldn’t face any of his family. I figured by now they all knew what a fool I was. I was sure I was the talk of the family.
I kept tabs on him through Lily, who found out from Kate. I didn’t feel like listening to Riley make excuses for her brother, which was usually what happened. It wouldn’t ease the pain that his actions caused, nothing would. His reaction to me was cold and angry. I couldn’t let go of how it made me feel.
So instead of dealing with it, I pushed myself further at the center, working more. I kept my schedule packed with no time to think or feel sorry for myself. I picked up a few other groups at the center to fill the void in my heart.
There was a younger group that needed help two days a week. It was an open gym with both boys and girls--mainly just a place for them to unwind and hopefully keep them out of trouble.
Plus with my courses and school work, I barely had time to sleep, let alone feel sorry for myself. Once again I stuck my neck out there and Max shot me down.
With a mixture of caffeine and a pure drive to stay busy, I found I rarely had time to think about him. Night time was the worst, when I would lie in bed and imagine his smile.
I had just returned home from my late class on Friday and dropped my book bag to the floor, when my doorbell rang. I let my head fall back, silently hoping that if I ignored whomever it was, he would just go away. I was not in the mood for company.
No such luck, as the pounding from the other side became more persistent, followed by my best friend Ryan singing out me name. “Aubree Rose. I know you’re in there, baby girl. You can’t ignore me, sweet thing, I have a key.” I couldn’t help smiling at his freakish happiness. He was an amazing guy. It is true what they say, that gay guys make the greatest friends. He loved me unconditionally; he always had my back, no matter what. Ryan refused to allow me to hide away; he knew me too well. He was the one I could always rely on to keep me out of the blackness that so many times threatened to consume me.
I flipped the lock and looked up at him, laughing. He stood before me with a big fluffy pink scarf of feathers, biting on the tip of his finger and trying to appear seductive and sexy. “Got a hot date, sweet cheeks?”
He fluttered his eyelashes dramatically and slowly lowered his finger, while taking a step toward me. “Just the hottest chick in Arizona, baby. You know you’re my only love.” He unlaced his feathery scarf and draped it over my shoulder. “I saw that in the store window of a thrift shop and had to get it for you. I thought it matched your cheeks perfectly when you get embarrassed.” He flopped down on the couch. “Get your hot little ass moving, you’re my date for the evening.”
I closed my door and walked toward the couch, still sporting my newest article of craziness. “So what would this date consist of, exactly? I mean, I’m just wondering if I can wear something comfortable or if I need to wear my hooker heels.”
“Hooker heels are always good with your legs, baby girl, those legs are flawless. I love watching all the guys drool as they imagine what it would be like to have them wrapped securely around their waist, as they…” I slugged his shoulder. “What?” He chuckled before continuing. “Okay, on a serious note, you can wear your jammies if you want.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Jammies? What in the hell would we do in our pajamas?”
He chuckled and threw his arm up and over my shoulder. “The new Transformers movie is out, and you know how much I love Mr. Wahlberg. That man is sexy as fuck and I need some new spank bank material.” He chuckled again when I punched him in the ribs.
“Ewe Ryan Phillip Masters, what have I told you about that shit? Bad, bad visuals dude.” I stood up from the couch and made my way to my closet, still shaking my head. I could hear him still chuckling as he flipped through the channels on the television. I swear he had no filter; he didn’t seem to care who was around.
The thing with my apartment is that it’s actually just one huge room. The only thing that separates my bedroom from the rest of the room are two wooden dividers that I took from the dumpster at the center. My bathroom is the only room in the place that has a door--besides the closets, of course.
It was a little roomier now that I didn’t share it with a roommate. That was, at times, hectic, and it made it really hard to bring guys home. When she announced that she was moving in with her boyfriend, I was so relieved.
Scavenging through my closet, I found a comfortable pair of light pink yoga pants and a white T-shirt with a pink panther on the front. I walked back out into the living room and held my hands out to the side, modeling my outfit. Ryan laughed and I smiled. “You said jammies. This is what I was planning on wearing to bed tonight, so it works.”
Ryan got up from the couch and pulled me in for a hug. I felt him kiss the top of my head, and I allowed my head to rest against his chest, breathing him in. The guy read me like a book. He knew when things were bothering me. I was unable to hide from him.
“Have you heard from him?” I only shook my head in reply. “I know you love him and worry about him. It’ll get easier, sweetheart. I promise you that I’m here for you always; no matter what, you can count on me. You need to keep your head up high, baby girl. You’re stronger than any girl I know. You have gone through so much worse and came out on top.”
“I know,” I whispered against his shirt. “Thank you for always being on my side, for always being there when I need someone to lean on. You’re pretty amazing.”
“I’ll never not be there, sweet girl. I’m your number one fan. You’ll always have me in your corner.” He whispered against my temple.
With one quick kiss to the top of my head, he led me toward the door. “Enough heavy stuff. Let’s get going. We need to get there early, because I refuse to miss out on the seats in the center. I need a good view of Mark…” He sighed dramatically, and I only laughed. Ryan was exactly what I needed right now. He brought out the fun in me. He made me laugh and never made me feel like I wasn’t enough.
We always had fun together, and right now I needed a little fun in my life.
Chapter Five
Max
It had been three days since I left the hospital. I made one stop before I walked out. I stood at the glass window looking in on the little boy’s frail body. The vision alone broke down anything I had left in me. He wore a little oxygen mask on his tiny face, and tubes ran from his little arms.
I stood there motionless as I took in the pain of seeing him in that bed. I choked back the tears and quickly walked from the building, without looking back.
I didn’t tell anyone in the family that I was being released. Instead, I called Jason and asked him to pick me up. He never questioned me, he knew not to. After he dropped me at home, I hobbled inside and gathered some things in my duffle bag. I was glad Tanner was at work. I timed everything perfectly. I didn’t need anyone trying to convince me I was doing the wrong thing.
I climbed into my truck and adjusted myself the best I could. With a broken leg, my arm in a sling and a brace on my back, it was next to impossible. I struggled through the pain and got in the best position I could behind the wheel.
“Don’t drive and take it easy for the next few weeks.” The doctor’s words echoed in my head. I looked down at my leg that was in a cast from just above the knee. Blowing out a frustrated sigh, I grabbed for my phone with my good hand and typed the message that I would forward to all my family.
I’m out of the hospital, going away for a while. I need to get my head on straight. I don’t want any of you to panic, this is what I
need. I love you all and please don’t worry. I need this. I can’t keep holding on to this shit, I need to work it out on my own. Max
Almost immediately the return messages began filtering back. Tossing my phone into the bag on the seat next to me, I put my truck in reverse. I turned up the stereo to drown out the rings that continuously came from my phone.
I rented a small place for the next two weeks, in Flagstaff. It was secluded and small, but I didn’t need much. I just needed the distance it would provide--a place where I could clear my head and find out how to get everything back on track. I didn’t like the darkness that had consumed me. The problem was that I had no idea what I needed to do to get back to the light.
The drive was peaceful and relaxing. I stopped along the way to stock up on the supplies that I would need. It didn’t take long to find my turnoff. The drive was just off to the left of the dirt road. It led to the place I would be calling home for the next couple of weeks. Secluded was exactly what was advertised, and that was what I got. There was no one for miles, and all I could hear was silence.
It was a hell of a task to carry in the bags one after another, but I made it. Collapsing on the couch, I gave in to the exhaustion that I had been fighting over the last few hours.
***
When I woke up, it was dark outside. Looking at the clock above the stove, I saw that it glowed 1:18, causing me to groan. I had slept for over five hours.
I could hear a faint beeping in the distance.
I crawled from the couch and made my way across the room. Reaching inside my bag by the door, I pulled out my phone.
