[AF02] - The Artic Incident

by Colfer, Eoin

  Something cold and metallic pressed against the back of the centaur’s head. Foaly had seen too many rock ‘em sock ‘em movies not to know what it was.

  ‘Save your ointment, donkey boy,’ said Cudgeon’s voice in his ear. T have a feeling you’ll be developing some head problems of your own.’

  THE MAYAK CHEMICAL TRAIN, NORTHERN RUSSIA

  The first thing Artemis felt was a rhythmical knocking, jarring along the length of his spine. I’m at the spa in Blackrock, he thought. Irina is massaging my back. Just what my system needs, especially after all that horseplay on the train . . .The train!

  Obviously they were still aboard the Mayak train. The jerking motion was actually the carriage jolting over the track joins. Artemis forced his eyes open, expecting gargantuan doses of stiffness and pain. But instead he realized he felt fine. More than fine. Great in fact. It must be magic. Holly must have healed his various cuts and bruises while he was unconscious.

  Nobody else was feeling quite so chipper. Especially Captain Short, who was still unconscious. Root was draping a large coat over his fallen officer.

  ‘Oh, you’re awake, are you?’ he said, without so much as a glance at Artemis. ‘I don’t know how you can sleep at all after what you’ve just done.’

  ‘Done? But I saved you . . . at least, I helped.’

  ‘You helped all right, Fowl. You helped yourself to the last of Holly’s magic while she was unconscious.’

  Artemis groaned. It must have happened when they fell. Somehow her magic had been diverted. ‘I see what must have happened. It was an . . ."

  Root raised a warning finger. ‘Don’t say it. The great Artemis Fowl doesn’t do anything by accident.’

  Artemis fought against the train’s motion, climbing to his knees. ‘It can’t be anything serious. Just exhaustion, surely?’

  And suddenly Root’s face was a centimetre from his own, his complexion rosy enough to generate heat. ‘Nothing serious!’ spluttered the commander, barely able to get the words out in his rage. ‘Nothing serious! She lost her trigger finger! The door cut it clean off. Her career is over. And because of you, Holly barely had enough magic to stop the bleeding. She’s drained of power now. Empty.’

  ‘She lost a finger?’ echoed Artemis numbly.

  ‘Not lost exactly,’ said the commander, waving the severed digit. ‘It poked me in the eye on the way past.’ His eye was already beginning to blacken.

  ‘If we go back now, surely your surgeons can graft it on?’

  Root shook his head. ‘If we could go back now. I have a feeling that the situation below ground is a lot different from when we left. If the goblins sent a hit team to get us, you can bet something big is going on below ground.’

  Artemis was shocked. Holly had saved all their lives, and this was how he had repaid her. While it was true that he was not directly to blame for the injury, it had been inflicted while trying to save his father. There was a debt to be paid here.

  ‘How long?’ he snapped.

  ‘What?’

  ‘How long ago did it happen?’

  ‘I don’t know. A minute.’

  ‘Then there’s still time.’

  The commander sat up. ‘Time for what?’

  ‘We can still save the finger.’

  Root rubbed a welt of fresh scar tissue on his shoulder, a reminder of his trip along the side of the train. ‘With what? I barely have enough power left for the mesmer.’

  Artemis closed his eyes. Concentrating. ‘What about the Ritual? There must be a way.’

  All the People’s magic came from the Earth. In order to top up their powers, they had to periodically complete the Ritual.

  ‘How can we complete the Ritual here?’

  Artemis racked his brain. He had committed large sections of the Fairy Book to memory in preparation for the previous year’s kidnapping operation.

  ‘From the earth thine power flows,

  Given through courtesy, so thanks are owed.

  Pluck thou the magick seed,

  Where full moon, ancient oak and twisted water meet.

  And bury it far from where it was found,

  So return your gift into the ground.’

  Artemis scrambled across the flooring and began patting down Holly’s jumpsuit.

  Root’s heart nearly shut down then and there. ‘In heaven’s name, Mud Boy, what are you doing?’

  Artemis didn’t even look up. ‘Last year, Holly escaped because she had an acorn.’

  Through some miracle, the commander managed to restrain himself. ‘Five seconds, Fowl. Talk fast.’

  ‘An officer like Holly wouldn’t forget something like that. I’d be willing to bet . . ."

  Root sighed. ‘It’s a good idea, Mud Boy. But the acorns have to be freshly picked. If it hadn’t been for the time-stop, that seed mightn’t have worked. You’ve got a couple of days, tops. I know Foaly and Holly put together some proposal for a sealed acorn unit, but the Council rejected it. Heresy apparently.’

  It was a long speech for the commander. He wasn’t used to explaining himself. But a part of him was hoping. Maybe, just maybe. Holly had never been averse to bending a few rules.

  Artemis unzipped Captain Short’s tunic. There were two tiny items on the gold chain around her neck. Her copy of the Book, the fairy bible. Artemis knew that it would combust if he tried to touch it without Holly’s permission. But there was another item. A small plexiglass sphere filled with earth.

  ‘That’s against regulations,’ said Root, not sounding too upset.

  Holly stirred, half-emerging from her stupor. ‘Hey, Commander. What happened to your eye?’

  Artemis ignored her, cracking the tiny sphere against the carriage floor. Earth and a small acorn tumbled into his palm. ‘Now all we need to do is bury it.’

  The commander slung Holly over his shoulder. Artemis tried not to look at the space where her index finger used to be.

  ‘Then it’s time to get off this train.’

  Artemis glanced at the Arctic landscape whipping past outside the carriage. Getting off the train wasn’t as easy as the commander made it sound.

  Butler dropped nimbly through the overhead hatch, where he’d been keeping an eye on the goblin hit squad.

  ‘Nice to see you’re so limber,’ commented Artemis drily.

  The manservant smiled. ‘Good to see you too, Artemis.’

  ‘Well? What did you see up there?’ said Root, interrupting the reunion.

  Butler placed a hand on his young master’s shoulders. They could talk later. ‘The goblins are gone. Funny thing. Two of them dropped low for reconnaissance, then the other one shot them in the back.’

  Root nodded. ‘Power play. Goblins are their own worst enemies. But right now, we’ve got to get off this train.’

  ‘There’s another bend coming up in about half a klick,’ said Butler. ‘That’s our best chance.’

  ‘So, how do we disembark?’ asked Artemis.

  Butler grinned. ‘Disembark is a pretty gentle term for what I have in mind.’

  Artemis groaned. More running and jumping.

  OPERATIONS’ BOOTH

  Foaly’s brain was bubbling like a sea slug in a deep-fat fryer. He still had options, providing Cudgeon didn’t actually shoot him. One shot and it was all over. Centaurs didn’t have magic. Not a drop. They got by on brains alone. That and their ability to trample their enemies underfoot. But Foaly had a feeling that Briar wouldn’t plug him just yet. Too busy gloating.

  ‘Hey, Foaly,’ said the lieutenant. ‘Why don’t you go for the intercom? See what happens.’

  Foaly could guess what would happen. ‘Don’t worry, Briar. No sudden moves.’

  Cudgeon laughed, and he sounded genuinely happy. ‘Briar? First name terms now, is it?You must realize how much trouble you’re in.’

  Foaly was starting to realize just that. Beyond the tinted glass, LEP techs were beavering away trying to track down the mole, oblivious to the drama being played out not t
wo metres away. He could see and hear them, but it was one-way surveillance.

  The centaur had only himself to blame. He had insisted that the Operations’ booth be constructed to his own paranoid standards. A titanium cube with blast-proof windows. The entire room was wireless, not even a fibre-optic cable to connect Operations to the outside world.

  Totally impregnable. Unless, of course, you opened the door to throw a few insults at an old enemy. Foaly groaned. His mother had always said that his smart mouth would get him into trouble. But all was not lost. He still had a few tricks up his sleeve. A plasma floor, for instance.

  ‘So what’s this all about, Cudgeon?’ asked the centaur, raising his hooves just off the tiles. ‘And please don’t say world domination.’

  Cudgeon continued to smile. This was his/moment.

  ‘Not immediately. The Lower Elements will suffice for now.’

  ‘But why?’

  Cudgeon’s eyes were tinged with madness. ‘Why?You have the gall to ask me why? I was the the Council’s golden boy! In fifty years I would have been chairman! And then along comes the Artemis Fowl Affair. In one short day all my hopes are dashed. I end up deformed and demoted! And it was all because of you, Foaly. You and Root! So the only way to get my life back on track is to discredit both of you. You will be blamed for the goblin attacks, and Julius will be dead and dishonoured. And as an added bonus, I even get Artemis Fowl. It’s as close to perfect as I could have hoped.’

  Foaly snorted. ‘Do you really think you can defeat the LEP with a handful of Softnose weapons?’

  ‘Defeat the LEP? Why would I want to do that? I am the hero of the LEP. Or rather I will be. You will be the villain of this piece.’

  ‘We’ll see about that, baboon face,’ said Foaly, activating a switch, sending an infra-red signal to a receiver in the floor. In five-tenths of a second, a secret membrane of plasma would warm up. Half a second later, a neutrino charge would spread across the plasma gel like wildfire, hopping anyone connected to the floor off at least three walls. In theory.

  Cudgeon giggled delightedly. ‘Don’t tell me. Your plasma tiles aren’t working.’

  Foaly was flummoxed. Momentarily. Then he lowered his hooves gingerly and pressed another button. This one engaged a voice-activated laser. Basically, the next person to talk got plugged. The centaur held his breath.

  ‘No plasma tiles,’ continued Cudgeon. ‘And no voice-activated laser. You really are slipping, Foaly. Not that I’m surprised. I always knew you’d be exposed for the donkey you are.’

  The lieutenant settled into a swivel chair, propping his feet on the computer bank. ‘So have you figured it out yet?’

  Foaly thought. Who could it be? Who could beat him at his own game? Not Cudgeon, that was for sure. A techno fool if ever there was one. No, there was only one person with the ability to crack the Centaurian code and deactivate the booth’s safety measures.

  ‘Opal Koboi,’ he breathed.

  Cudgeon patted Foaly’s head. ‘That’s right. Opal planted a few spy cams during the upgrading work. Once you were kind enough to translate a few documents for the camera, it was a simple matter to crack your code and do a little reprogramming. And the funny thing is, the Council footed the bill. She even charged for the spy cameras. Even now, the B’wa Kell is preparing to launch its attack on the cjty: LEP weapons and communications are down, and the best thing is that you, my horsy friend, will be held responsible. After all, you have locked yourself in the Operations’ booth in the middle of a crisis.’

  ‘Nobody will believe it!’ protested Foaly.

  ‘Oh yes they will, especially when you disengage the LEP security, including the DNA cannons.’

  ‘Which I won’t be doing anytime soon.’

  Cudgeon twirled a matt-black remote between his fingers. ‘I’m afraid it’s not up to you any more. Opal took your little operation apart and wired the whole lot into this little beauty.’

  Foaly swallowed. ‘You mean . . .?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said Cudgeon. ‘Nothing works unless I press the button.’

  He pressed the button. And even if Foaly had had the reactions of a sprite, he would never have had time to draw up all his hooves before the plasma shock blasted him right out of his specially modified swivel chair.

  ARCTIC CIRCLE

  Butler instructed everyone to attach themselves to the Moonbelt, one per link. Floating slightly in the buffeting wind, the group manoeuvred itself to the carriage doorway like a drunken crab.

  It’s simple physics, Artemis told himself. Reduced gravity will prevent us being dashed against the Arctic ice. In spite of all his logic, when Root launched the group into the night, Artemis couldn’t hold back a single gasp. Later, when he replayed the incident in his mind’s eye, Artemis would edit out the breath.

  The slipstream spun them beyond the railway sleepers, into a drift. Butler turned off the anti-gravity belt a second before impact, otherwise they could have bounced away, like men on the moon.

  Root was first to detach, scooping handfuls of snow from the surface until his fingers reached the compacted ice below.

  ‘It’s no use,’ he said. ‘I can’t break through the ice.’

  He heard a click behind his shoulder.

  ‘Stand back,’ advised Butler, taking aim with his handgun.

  Root obliged, shielding his eyes with a forearm. Ice slivers could blind you just as efficiently as six-inch nails. Butler put a full clip into a narrow spread, blasting a shallow hollow in the frozen surface. Instant sleet drenched the already sodden group.

  Root was checking the results before the smoke cleared. He brought Butler up to speed — they had seconds left before Holly’s time ran out. They needed to complete the Ritual. After a certain time it mightn’t be wise to attempt a graft. Even if they could.

  The commander jumped into the dip, sweeping aside layers of loose ice. There was a disk of brown among the white.

  ‘Yes!’ he crowed. ‘Earth!’

  Butler lowered Holly’s twitching form into the hole. She seemed like a doll in his powerful hands. Tiny and limp. Root curled Holly’s fingers around the illegal acorn, thrusting her left hand deep into the shattered soil. He pulled a roll of tape from his belt, crudely securing the finger to roughly its original position. The elf and two humans gathered around and waited.

  ‘It mightn’t take,’ muttered Root nervously. ‘This sealed acorn thing is new. Never been tested. Foaly and his ideas. But they usually work. They usually do.’

  Artemis laid a hand on his shoulder. It was all he could think to do. Giving comfort was not one of his strong points.

  Five seconds. Ten. Nothing.

  Then . . .

  ‘Look!’ cried Artemis. ‘A spark.’

  A solitary blue spark travelled lazily along the length of Holly’s arm, winding along the veins. It crossed her chest, climbed her pointed chin and sank into the flesh right between the eyes.

  ‘Stand-back,’ advised Root. ‘I saw a two-minute healing in Tulsa one night. Damn near destroyed an entire shuttle port. I’ve never even heard of a four-minuter.’

  They back-pedalled to the lip of the crater and not a moment too soon. More sparks erupted from the Earth, targeting Holly’s hand as the area most in need of assistance. They sank into her finger joint like plasma torpedoes, melting the plastic tape.

  Holly shot upright, arms swinging like a puppet. Her legs began to jerk, kicking invisible enemies. Then the vocal cords, a high-pitched keening that cracked the thinner sheets of ice.

  ‘Is this normal?’ whispered Artemis, as though Holly could hear.

  ‘I think so,’ answered the commander. ‘The brain is running a systems check. It’s not like fixing cuts and bruises, if you know what I mean.’

  Every pore in Holly’s body started to steam, venting trace radiation. She thrashed and kicked, sinking back down into a pool of slush. Not a pretty sight. The water evaporated, shrouding the LEP captain in mist. Only her left hand was visible,
fingers a desperate blur.

  Holly suddenly stopped moving. Her hand froze, then dropped through the mist. The Arctic night rushed in to reclaim the silence.

  They inched closer, leaning into the fog. Artemis wanted to see, but he was afraid to look.

  Butler took a breath, batting aside sheets of mist. All was quiet below. Holly’s frame lay still as the grave.

  Artemis peered at the shape in the hole. ‘I think she’s awake . . . ‘

  He was cut short by Holly’s sudden return to consciousness. She bolted upright, icicles coating her eyelashes and auburn hair. Her chest ballooned as she swallowed huge gulps of air.

  Artemis grabbed her shoulders, for once abandoning his shell of icy composure. ‘Holly. Holly, speak to me. Your finger. Is it OK?’

  Holly wiggled her fingers, then curled them into a fist. ‘I think so,’ she said, and whacked Artemis right between the eyes. The surprised boy landed in a snowdrift for the fourth time that day.

  Holly winked at an amazed Butler. ‘Now, we’re even,’ she said.

  Commander Root didn’t have many treasured memories. But in future days, when things were at their grimmest, he would conjure up this moment and have a quiet chuckle.

  OPERATIONS’ BOOTH

  Foaly woke up sore, which was unusual for him. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d experienced actual pain. His feelings had been hurt a few times by Julius’s barbed comments, but actual physical discomfort was not something he cared to endure when he could avoid it.

  The centaur was lying on the Operations’ Security-booth floor, tangled in the remains of his office chair.

  ‘Cudgeon,’ he growled, and what followed was about two minutes’ worth of unprintable obscenity.

  When he had finally vented his anger, the centaur’s brain kicked in, and he hauled himself up from the plasma tiles. His rump was singed. He was going to have a couple of bald spots on his hind quarters. Very unattractive in a centaur. It was the first thing a prospective mate looked for in a nightclub. Not that Foaly had ever been much of a dancer. Four left hooves.

  The booth was sealed. Tighter than a gnome’s wallet, as the saying went. Foaly typed in his exit code. ‘Foaly. Doors.’