by M. J. Fields
I walk back and sit on the bed next to him. I fuss with the blanket as I try to figure out how to deal and I whisper, “This would be a great time for you to wake up, Logan.”
What’s it like?
Logan
I wonder if this is what it’s like when you die. Can you be in a room desperately wanting to help those you love and have zero ability to do a damn thing about it?
Mom. Fuck, I hope they don’t call her. I don’t want her to worry.
I hope this isn’t what it’s like for her. But maybe, just maybe, that’s what she’s doing now, keeping a distance so when she does pass, she’s built up a resilience to this awful fucking feeling of helplessness.
But…
If I’m dead, this is heaven, because at least I know London still needs me, and as fucked up as it sounds, there’s not much else in the world that feels better than knowing the person you love needs you. But on the flip side, there’s no worse feeling in the world than being unable to do anything about it.
I feel her hand in mine, I smell her, I hear her words and can visualize the expression when I hear the tiny plea in her voice when she whispers the words, “This would be a great time for you to wake up, Logan.”
I can’t imagine God would make someone suffer this way, not that we’ve been real close, but I hear the Ross family talk about the dude like he’s… well, God.
I hear a female voice say, “Could we clear the room, we need to put a catheter in.”
Fuck. That.
This isn’t heaven, this is hell. A hell where someone shoves a tube in the end of your dick.
London huffs, “I’m not leaving.”
Aaaand your wife watches them handle your fucking meat.
This cannot be happening.
“London, I think it’s best—”
“I love you, Mom, I don’t want to fight, or argue, or explain any decisions Logan, and I have made, but if I have to, it will be when he’s out of surgery. I’m. Not. Leaving.”
“So, you’re,” Emma pauses, “Married?”
Without hesitation, she answers, “Yes, we are.”
“When?”
“Last February. Can we please hold this conversation?” I hear her voice break.
“A fucking year?” Brody seethes.
“Dad, let’s leave them alone, shall we?” Maddox. Maddox is here, thank God.
She lets go of my hand, and I try to grip it to stop her.
But I can’t.
When the mattress adjusts, I know she’s not sitting beside me anymore.
“You should be happy, Dad, I was a virgin on my wedding night.”
“Happy? Happy!”
Dad cuts Brody off, “Listen, I get that your pissed off, but my son—”
“Of course, you fucking knew,” he sneers.
“I found out just like you did, today,” Dad sneers back at him. “Now my boy is going into his first surgery ever. I’d like you to step the hell out-.”
“Lucas,” Tessa interrupts quietly. “He’s going to be fine. This is all going to be fine.”
“Is it?” Emma whispers.
“It is,” Tessa clears her throat. “In fact, this isn’t going to be any more difficult than when I found out my daughter was pregnant by your son.”
Oh, for fuck sake.
Maddox throws his two cents in, “Actually, marriages can be annulled and dissolved, babies, they’re forever.”
Not my marriage.
“Shall I remind you what this family, both of them, have gone through and overcome, yet here we stand. This is nothing in comparison.”
“We have been through enough,” Ava sighs. “But let’s hope this is the last lie, or secret, we’ll all have to overcome.”
Fuck. London’s going to have to deal with that… alone.
Hold off, Pretty.
“We need to get this catheter started,” the nurse who’s going to shove a tube in my dick reminds them.
“I’m staying.” The bed buckles and I know she’s sitting next to me, then, she takes my hand. “Final answer.”
Calm, warm, quiet… out.
Uh oh…
London
When the room finally clears, it’s me, the female nurse who’s shoving a tube into Logan’s dick, and Lucas.
Tessa stepped out with my mom, Ava, and the rest of them.
The rest of them? I internally scold myself. They’re family. The people you love, the people who love us.
The people my husband is trying to protect to his own detriment.
“Those people, including me,” I mumble to myself
“London?”
I look up and see Lucas. “Those people include me?”
“Sorry, I was just thinking.”
I look back at the nurse as she’s pulling off her gloves and then covers him up. I don’t miss the twinkle in her eye, or the fact that she takes her time covering him. She’s like sixty, and that thing is impressive. So, I don’t freak out on her.
When she walks out, Lucas wraps his arm around my shoulder. “He loves you, kiddo.”
“And I love him.”
“Married, huh?”
I step away and sit next to Logan on his bed. “Yep.”
“And?”
I look back at Lucas. “You have an amazing son, who is an amazing husband, an amazing brother and uncle, and contractor and,” I pause. “He’s amazing.” I fuss with his blanket. “Do you think he’s cold?”
“I think he’s on enough pain pills he doesn’t give a damn if he is.” Lucas smiles as he looks at Logan. “He fucked up today.”
“He has his reasons.”
“And they are?”
Shit, I think… “I mean, he must have his reasons.”
Lucas walks around the bed and pushes some of Logan’s hair away from his eyes. “Doesn’t matter how old he is, he will always be my little boy.”
I nod, then bend and kiss his cheek. “And he will always be my first and last kiss.”
Lucas surprises me by chuckling. “You know, there’s a shit ton of money in this kid’s savings for things like, college, which he received a scholarship for, and even a wedding. I mean.”
When he stops, I look up at him. “We want a big wedding with everyone there. It will happen. It’s just...”
Instead of lying, or worse, telling the truth, I shrug.
“You know, as pissed off as Tessa probably is, and your mom,” he sighs, “And even the Brit, they’ll love you anyway, kiddo. Don’t stress our hurt feelings.”
“We did what we wanted to do.”
“And many of us trip over ourselves pleasing the masses. I get it, it’s cool.” He laughs. “But I will lie like a motherfucker if you tell a soul I said so.”
“We’re ready to take Mr. Links up to the OR.” I look at the nurse, and she continues, “There’s a waiting room full of people already up there, you two can ride up with us, and we’ll drop you off on our way by. When we’re finished, we’ll let you know how long he’ll be in recovery.”
My heart literally sinks as my throat fills with thickness caused by an overwhelming amount of emotion and my eyes heat as tears fill them.
In lieu of speaking, because I know I will cry, I simply nod.
I walk beside the stretcher holding Logan’s unbroken hand and I wish I could tell him how much I love him, but if he could hear me, my voice, he’d know I was terrified. And that’s not how I want us to be. I want to know when I am broken inside, or out, I don’t have to wonder if he will be beside me, lifting me up when the proverbial cross is too much to bear. If that’s what I expect, I will give no less.
We are a team, we are partners in life and love, all the good and all the bad, and I need to suck it up and be strong, not a scared little girl.
I’m not a little girl, I’m a wife.
Logan’s wife.
And now I can be his wife live and in living color.
I am Mrs. Links.
In the elevator, I lean down and whisper
.
“We’re not a secret anymore, Logan. I’m Mrs. Links, which sounds pretty badass.”
“That’s because it is,” Lucas says, and I can tell he’s grinning, but I can’t look away from Logan.
“Now, you’re going to go have your boo-boo fixed, and I’m going to go face the fam bam.”
“I’ve got your back until he wakes up. And I’m sure we can take them,” Lucas jokes.
“Your father’s a jackass, now I know where you get it from.”
“Hey now.”
“And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Wifey and old man Links have got this.”
“Watch the old man shit, Mrs. Links.”
I laugh as I kiss Logan’s cheek. “Hurry back. I love you.”
The elevator door opens, stopping me from finishing the sentence and they begin wheeling him out.
Walking beside him, still holding his hand, I lean down and kiss him again. “More.”
Watching them walk away with Logan, I feel my legs shake, and Lucas’s arm wraps around my waist. “He’s going to be just fine.”
And the dam breaks.
With his arm wrapped around me, he whispers, “I’d give you a hug, little Links, but I’m going to try to do the right thing here.”
I wipe away tears and see his phone in his other hand, he’s texting.
Seconds later, Mom and Brody are walking down the hall toward us.
When Mom sees me, she starts to run.
As soon as she hugs me, I know what he did was to try to help me mend what I may have broken.
“He’s going to be fine.” She hugs me tight.
Two more arms wrap around me from behind. “And after he heals, I’m gonna kick his ass.”
I hear Lucas mumble as he walks away, “You better bring the rest of the Red Coats.”
“It wasn’t to hurt you all.” I sniff back my tears as I cling to Mom. “We want a big wedding. He did ask your permission. He’s not a boy. He’s a man. I love him so much, I don’t think you can even imagine how much. I don’t think you can even fathom how wonderful he is, or how much he loves me. He. Loves. Me.”
Mom’s whispered words are soothing. “Shh. It’ll all be okay.”
When I have calmed down a bit, because yes, I know he’s going to be okay, and yes, I know it’s all going to be fine.
Someday.
I take a deep breath and step back. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
Mom wipes away my tears, and I look up at Brody.
Pain. I see pain in his eyes.
“Brody.”
“If your mother is fine, I am.”
“I love you, Dad. I love you both. It just had to happen this way.”
“We all do things in the heat of the moment, London,” Mom says and Brody, Dad, looks annoyed.
I hate that he’s disappointed, I hate it. “I was a virgin on my—”
He scrunches his eyes shut and shakes his head back and forth. “Do you think we care about your virginity?”
“Brody,” Mom sighs.
“I sure as hell do, you’ve—”
“I have no desire to continue this conversation, it’s actually sickening.”
“Brody,” Mom uses her mom warning voice.
“No, it’s fine, I’m glad I broke you in for when Lexington—”
“No more!”
His voice echoes through the hall.
“You’re being ridiculous,” I snap.
“I’m being ridiculous?” he sputters. “Me?” His thumb hits his chest.
I step back from Mom and point at him. “Yes, you.”
“As your father—”
“You’re not...” I clamp my mouth shut when I see a pain so deep in his eyes that it comes back at me like a boomerang. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I just can’t tell you why.” I close my mouth tightly again as he turns to walk away. “Dad.” He stops, and I step to him and wrap my arms around him from behind. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine, London.”
But his tone says the opposite.
“I love you. I’m sorry. Maybe someday I can explain.”
“Are you preg… pre—”
“God no!” A laugh escapes, one I know is because he doesn’t sound crushed, and I am so relieved. “On the pill.”
“Jesus Christ, I don’t need to know that.”
“I could have said no and gone into great detail about how we—”
He turns and grabs my wrist. “No.”
He looks at Mom. “Are you okay?”
“She’s,” she pauses and shakes her head, “She’s happy, so yes.”
He looks back at me. “I know you seem happy, but an explanation would be helpful.”
“It just happened.” I shrug, but can’t look at him.
I can’t tell him we married because he wanted his mom there and she is dying. I can’t tell him that Logan is smitten with the fact that he deflowered me on our wedding night. I can’t tell him that even though we’re married, today is actually the first time I have felt like a married couple.
Okay, I can tell him and Mom both that. “Would it make you happy if you knew that until today, it never felt like we were doing anything but playing house? Like, today is the first time I can smile and say, I am London Links, and that man, Logan, is my husband?”
Mom smiles and a tear falls as she nods.
“Yes, of course, we’d be happy that our daughter is married to a man who punched something so hard he crushed his fist.”
How do I explain the stress Logan is under when he won’t even verbalize it to me? And how do I do it without spilling a secret I know is tearing my husband apart, literally? And how do I do it without Daddy Spies-a-lot not figuring it out?
“London, has he—”
“No! Of course not! Jesus, do I look like a battered woman?” He opens his mouth to respond. “How could you think that of him? He is the most genuinely loyal, protective, kind and loving person… you should be happy… do you know as fiercely as you protected my ‘virtue,’” I use air quotes, “He did too?”
He stares at me, he’s trying to figure it out, figure out why I just lost my shit… damn it!
Change the subject… “Keeka, Brooklyn? Look what he did for her and Leddie. He kept his word that he wouldn’t tell Trucker, who was at one point his best friend... I mean, they are again but… anyway, he did it for her and for Leddie. Because he cared, and then, he made sure she was—”
Mom places her hand on my back. “We understand, London.”
Brody’s eyes narrow. He knows… something.
Shit. Shitshitshitshit.
“He left when he felt he was losing his shit, Dad. He’d never hit me.”
“Losing his shit over a secret marriage?”
I scowl at him. He scowls back.
“Will you just leave it alone? He’s a man. Not a boy. He’s got this, and when he took off, it was because he… needed a damn minute. Like I do now.”
“Mmmhmm,” he scratches his chin.
“Don’t,” I tell him.
“Don’t, what?”
“Trample into his life.”
A light bulb almost visibly goes off in his eyes.
“Turn it off,” I stomp.
“Brody, enough,” Mom interrupts.
“Em,” he cocks his eyebrow.
“Her… husband is in surgery. Let it go.”
Thank God for her.
He looks up at the ceiling, eyes rolling. “Well, then let’s discuss how Lexi will handle this when all she talks about is being in her sister and Logan’s wedding.”
“Simple,” Mom says with a hand on her hip, and the other taking mine. “We plan our daughter’s wedding, and we do it quickly.”
There is no time to plan a damn wedding, I think as I look at Daddio. His eyes light up, and he smirks, “Yes, let’s.”
Exposed
Luke Lane
Sitting beside my wife, I can tell she’s in pain. “Boobs?”
“So
freaking full.”
“Pump in the truck?”
She shakes her head. “My bag.”
She reaches down to grab it, and of course, it’s not there, it’s in the truck. She sighs as she looks up at me.
I lean over and kiss her head. “Be right back.”
“Thanks.”
Returning, I get off the elevator and hear her voice.
“Mom, he’s in surgery. When he wakes up, I think he’d love to see you. Maybe it will mend fences, okay? And at the very least it’ll show him you give a damn.”
She pauses.
“Really? Because I’m the buffer between the two of you since all this shit happened, and I’m not even sure I am fighting the good fight. I mean, I have a beautiful little girl that you’ve yet to meet!”
I put my hand on her back and walk her farther down the hall toward the seating area in front of the windows. Luckily, no one is there.
“You’ve been busy, Mom? I don’t even want to hear it. Try having a newborn and two toddlers. And besides, he’s not even running for Senate now.”
She sits down, and I kneel before her, getting the pump ready.
“I’m about to pump milk out of my tits in a public place because I’m now playing your role as Logan’s mother. Oh, and guess what? He got married without telling any of us. You have yourself to thank for fucking him up that much. I love you, Ashley—”
She pauses briefly as I continue setting the machine up.
“No, you don’t get to be Mom, or Grandma either, unless you get yourself on a plane and make a goddamned attempt to be that. I love you, but right now, you make me sick.”
When she throws her phone against the wall, I look up as she begins to sob.
I push up on my knees and lean in to hold her.
“God, Luke, what if I ever become—”
“Never gonna happen.”
“I hate her.”
“Gotta have love for someone in order to hurt enough to hate them. So, you cry, you hate, hell, I’ll give you my phone so you can bust it too.”
“You don’t carry the damn thing half the time anyway.” She wraps her arms around me and hugs me. “And that was your phone.”
