by M. J. Fields
“Ash,” I sigh.
“Mom?” I look up and see Ava, then Logan, and then Robert.
She scowls at me.
“My hearing isn’t all that great either apparently, I didn’t know they were in here.”
She lets go of my hand and covers her face.
Unable to stop myself, I hold her tighter, praying it doesn’t hurt her.
“Ashley, you need your pain meds.” Robert hits the call button, and a nurse pops out from some fucking place. “She needs her pain meds.”
“Which one?”
“The THC or CBD?”
“Well fuck, Ash,” I laugh. “Seems like a good time to me.”
“Oh, shut up, Lucas,” she tries to be stern but starts to laugh.
“Got any extra? I haven’t been high since that night you and I—”
“Lucas, for the love of God.”
Ava sits next to her holding Faith. “Faith, this is your grandparents, and they were a couple of stoners.”
“We were not.” Ashley grins, and her hand begins to shake again.
I take it. “Like hell, we weren’t.”
“Oh my God, Dad.” Logan sits at her feet.
“Oh, please, like the two of you never toked on a J,” I laugh.
“Nobody tokes on Js anymore, Dad, they pop an edible.”
I look up at Robert. “Got any of those?”
Ashley looks up toward him and smirks.
“I do not, but I have a number of the door to door delivery…”
“Oh my God, are you three serious?” Ava starts to laugh.
“It was before you two, and it wasn’t often,” Ashley defends our actions.
“Well, that’s joyful noise I hear.” I look up as London, Luke, and Tessa walk in.
“It is, London,” Ashley smiles.
“Who else is here?” Ashley asking that question is an admission to all of them. I squeeze her hand, acknowledging it, and she lies her head on my fucking shoulder.
“Ava messaged that you wanted Chicken Shit.”
She sits up when she hears Tessa and leans forward to see her.
“Oh, you didn’t have to do that.” She starts to let go of my hand, but I can’t let her.
She looks at me, and I look at her. “We’re all here for you. Every one of us loves you, Ash. Every one of us wishes we had a magic pill or could say the most profound prayer, we’d do anything to take this pain away from you if we could.”
When she pulls her hand away and lifts it to my face, I realize I have lost my shit, I’m crying.
Nice, Lucas, nice, I scold myself.
“I love all of you too.”
I take her hand and kiss the back of it then hold it to stop it from shaking.
“Can we talk about something else, please?” Ash pleas.
All my loves
Ashley
“I think we should tell Tessa what a couple of potheads my parents were,” Ava chimes in and saves the day.
My little girl makes the room erupt in laughter, even when she’s hurting. I wish Logan could do the same.
“Oh please, Tessa was the queen of stoners back in the day,” Lucas adds even more humor.
“Oh my God, really, Lucas?” Tessa sounds shocked, which makes me laugh. I see her smile at me the same way she did before.
“It’s your story, Tessa, tell it however you want it to be retold.”
When the room erupts, I can’t help but feel part of all this… again. And it feels good.
“Alright, Robert, tell us your secrets,” Logan urges.
“I have none.” I look up at my husband and smile. He warns me, “Don’t.”
“Robert—”
“Ashley,” he warns.
“Spill it,” Lucas laughs.
“Off the record, Senator.” His gray eyes narrow at me. “They’ll still vote for you, heck, maybe if they were on the fence, they’d be swayed by your scandalous behavior.”
I nod, and he sits next to me, taking the arm I can barely feel and rubs the one spot he knows I still can on my wrist.
“I taste-tested the edibles.” The corner of his mouth turns up slightly as he looks at me. “Got pretty messed up too.”
“And you haven’t got any stored any place around here?” Lucas asks.
Never looking away from me, he answers, “I have the card still if necessary.”
“Nice,” London pipes in. “I’m a virgin to all that.”
Ava interrupts, “But no longer a virgin.”
I look at my arm. “I need something, Robert.” He blinks several times. “Just to take some of it away.” He looks relieved.
When he leaves the room, I ask Ava for Faith, and Tessa props pillows under my arms, so I can hold my sleeping granddaughter.
When she’s done, she asks me, “Do you mind if I take a few pictures of you with Faith and your kids?”
“I would love that.”
I begin to doze off as soon as the medicine starts to work.
I hear their voices, I see their shadows, and by some gift from God above, I can smell the baby, my baby’s baby, in my arms.
She sucks on her pacifier as she looks up at me, and I pray that she will not remember the woman she is staring at who looks like she’s dying, but instead, remembers I held her in my arms, and that even if she was with me for just this short amount of time, I loved her as much as a human possibly could.
When I wake, I see the sun is setting and hear talking. I try to sit up, but can’t.
“Let me help you.” I look left and see my beautiful boy. I feel a pain in my chest knowing my dying, this disease, the demon, has hurt him.
“Did you sleep well?” I look right and see my girl, and in her I see myself, but a better version.
What more could a mother want?
I nod, “I did, how long was I out?’
“Just a few minutes.” I look up and see my husband.
“Liar,” I sigh.
He shrugs.
“Did everyone else leave?”
“We’re here.,” It’s London’s voice.
I smile up at Robert as he bends down and kisses my nose. “I’ll be right back.”
“Get me drugs?”
He rolls his eyes. “I’ll get you a drink.”
“Then can I speak to you alone?”
“Yes, Ashley, of course you can.”
In his eyes I have seen strength, I have seen unmeasurable amounts of love, I have seen determination, but I have never seen him as emotional as I see him now.
“Robert?”
He bends down and kisses my nose again.
“I love you. I’ll get you a drink, then we can talk.”
When he is gone, I look down and see a journal on Ava’s lap.
“What’s this?”
“Nothing.” She tried to hide it.
“Ava?”
“It’s a journal, Mom.”
“A journal.”
“Yeah, a journal.” She is using the voice, the one that tells me she’s hiding something.
Little does she know, that although preoccupied with… dying, I did pay attention.
“Like the one you and T kept?”
“Snoop,” she chides.
“Sneak,” I smile. “So, what’s this about?”
“It’s no big deal, Mom,” Logan interjects, which means it is a bigger deal than they want me to believe.
“Like when you and Ava had a couple friends over while your Dad and I were in Jersey that one weekend?”
Ava giggles. God, I’m going to miss that.
“Shut up, Ava,” Logan growls at her.
I’m going to miss that too.
“Spill it, or I’ll figure it out, and it’ll be a much harsher punishment than grounded for two weekends and having to clean out the bushes full of empty beer cans.”
“Just a way to get through, Mom,” Ava whispers.
“Well, then let’s hear it, maybe I have some things to add.”
When they
stall, I whisper my biggest fear, “I really need to know you’re going to be okay.” I close my eyes and lean back. “Please.”
“It’s their 27 Truths About Goodbyes.” I open my eyes and see Luke standing behind Ava, holding Faith.
“Let’s hear them.”
Ava begins, “Number one, you’ll never stop loving her.”
“And she’ll never stop loving you.” I glance over and see Ava writing, what I assume I had just said.
When she finishes writing, she reads her next truth, “Number two, she’ll never leave us.”
“Not even when she did,” I whisper, and Logan hugs me.
“Number three, she’s never going away.”
“Redundant.” I smile and look at Ava, expecting her to roll her eyes, just like she always did when I corrected her English essays.
“It’s the repetition that brings the point fully home.”
“But she is going away, Ava.” I smile, and she shakes her head. “Then how about she’ll always be looking down watching after you?”
She nods and swallows hard.
“Number four, she wants you to love.”
“She definitely wants you to love and be loved.”
“She is,” Luke says.
“So is he,” London, who has become very much part of the few things that bring me joy, interjects.
“Number five, our memories are forever.”
“We have enough good ones to erase the bad, don’t we?”
Logan answers, “Today being one of them.”
Ava adds, “Tomorrow will be too.”
I smile and close my eyes.
“Number six, it’s okay to cry.”
“But not without imagining my arms around you while you are,” I sigh.
“Number seven, between life and death is a transition period.”
“Do it with as much grace and dignity as you can,” I whisper
“Number eight, love yourself like she’d want you to.”
I yawn, “Like she does.”
“Ava, you read, I’ll write,” Logan offers, and I feel him lean forward.
“The writing needs to match, Loggie, you read, I’ll write.”
“Fine,” he huffs, and I feel at home amongst the bickering.
“Number nine, forgive yourself, she has.”
“Nothing you two have done warrants forgiveness too your mother. Makes sure it stays that way.” Logan kisses my cheek.
“Number ten, her love brings us peace.”
“May it always,” I pray.
“Number eleven, memories are now treasures.” I look at Ava, and she grins. “Treasures are not the same as forever.”
“I told you,” Logan ribs her.
“Number twelve, unseen is not unheard.”
I sigh, “Ever-present.”
“Number thirteen, one tear speaks a million words.”
The thought of them crying pains me, as it always has, but as they said, it’s okay to cry.
“Don’t mourn her life, thank God she lived.” I exhale.
“Number fourteen, live for her so they’ll remember.”
“But never stop living for yourself, Ava and Logan. Never.”
“Number fifteen, feel grief when it comes, and let go as soon as you can.”
I look up as Robert enters with a green colored shake.
“That’s all we have so far,” Ava sighs.
“Number sixteen,” I smile at them and at Robert, “Loss is unmeasurable, but so is love.”
His eyes shine just a little.
“Can Robert and I have a minute?”
My kids kiss my cheeks at the same time, and my husband smiles.
When they leave, he sits and holds out my shake, “Drink, Ashley.”
“You know how crappy this has always tasted?” I wrap my lips around the straw and suck, but block it with my tongue, I haven’t been hungry in days.
“It’s good for you. And it tends to work better when you actually take a drink.”
I smile, and so does he.
“There’s some extra oils in there.” He winks. “The good stuff.”
I take a drink and widen my eyes, he’s always loved my eyes.
When I have drunk enough that I feel like I may be sick, I sit back.
“I’d like a bath tonight.”
“It would be my pleasure.” He sets the drink down on the nightstand.
“Is it on a coaster?”
He nods once. “Yes, dear.”
“I need to ask you a favor.” I close my eyes.
“Anything.”
“I want the kids to have the company. You don’t need the money, and they—”
“I signed it over the first night Logan and London came.”
“You, what?”
“Ashley, I never wanted it, but you needed a fucking win.”
“Did you just say—”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” I shake my head. “Well, you gave me a fucking win.”
“I hope so, Ashley. I told them Lucas’s name stays off it.” He runs his hand through his thick salt and pepper hair. “But if Landon’s name was on it, I told them to piss all over him.”
“You did?” This shocks me.
“I hate that man.”
“Did I come at a bad time?” I laugh when I hear Lucas.
“No.”
“Just thought I’d point out how epic that sunset looks and Tessa thought maybe you two and the kids could take pictures in front of it. Next year’s Christmas card?”
“I would kill you, Lucas,” I sigh.
“Ash, you look beautiful.” He leans down and hands me Faith.
The last kiss
Ava
We’re all sitting on Mom’s bed watching the sun go down, it’s beautiful, the perfect sunset.
“Reminds me of the Cape.” I lay my head, very carefully, on Mom’s shoulder.
“It’s beautiful, Ava,” she whispers, and I know she’s falling asleep.
“Reminds me of nights by the bonfire at our house,” Logan sighs.
“So peaceful.” Mom smiles and inhales a deep breath, I hear a rattle.
I look toward her and then up at Robert.
He asks, “You cold, Ashley?”
“No,” she whispers. “So warm.”
“Ash,” Dad says and walks closer to the bed.
Another inhale and then she exhales and mumbles, “It’s beautiful.”
“It is, Mom, and so are your eyes, Mom. Can you open your eyes?”
“Love you.” When she says the words, it’s barely audible.
“Ashley, open your eyes,” Robert says sternly. “Ava needs to see your eyes. Logan, too, Ashley. Ashley, please, please open your eyes.” Luke takes Faith from Mom’s arms, and Robert leans down, kissing her head. “Please, honey, please open your eyes.” A sob escapes him, and he wipes away his tears. “Tessa, please do something for her. Please!”
“Robert.” Her lips tremble with emotion.
“Dad, is she—” I can’t even say it, I look at Tessa. “Do something.” Then back at Mom and beg her, “Mom, wake up. Mom, please!”
The next few minutes are chaos.
Luke picks me up off the bed and holds me to keep me from running back to her.
Thinking back, I didn’t even wonder where he had set Faith, who thankfully slept through it all.
I watch London and Logan crying in each other’s arms, Dad staring at Mom, Tessa trying to calm Robert down. He’s nearly inconsolable as the nursing staff checks her vitals.
She’s gone.
My mom is gone.
The next hour, maybe more, maybe less, I watch numbly as London sits next to her and applies makeup to Mom because apparently, she promised her she wouldn’t leave the penthouse without looking perfect.
Logan watches her, his arms crossed, hat pulled down, hiding his emotions. Dad makes phone calls, and I am surprised that my step-grandmother, Audrianna, doesn’t know since she’s also
Mom’s sister.
I hear him explain there will be no viewing, that Mom wanted to be cremated. That Robert’s people will be handling the press and he would contact her directly as more decisions were made.
“Luke,” I whispered, “It’s like she’s just gone now. No services, no viewing, no nothing.”
He held me tighter but didn’t say a word.
“But she’s right there, right there.”
“Babe, she isn’t. That’s just her body. Her soul is surrounded by the body she had before she got sick. She’s probably already up there telling Thomas about Hope, telling Uncle Troy about London and Logan, and telling Collin how much ass his kids are kicking in life. She’s telling my Dad that I’m loving her daughter so fucking hard right now. She’s up there doing all the mom things she did before her body was invaded by that disgusting disease. And Ava, that demon can’t hurt her anymore. Never again.”
For a few moments, he distracted me with wonderful thoughts about how happy Mom is now. About her seeing T, and Tommy, and Troy, and Collin.
But just a few.
Sitting on the end of the bed with the journal, I look up at Logan. “Can we, please?”
“She’s not here, Ava,” he mumbles.
“She is, she’s right here. Please, Logan.”
He sits down, and London looks back and cocks her head to the side looking at him.
I start to read from where we left off, the page is bent earmarking it, which she would frown at, and I wish she were here to do just that.
“Number seventeen, Mom, grief is uncontrollable. Number eighteen, nothing will ever replace you.”
“Do we have to do this now, Ava?”
I don’t look at him, I can’t see him sad any more than I can let them take her without finishing. “Yes. Yes, I do.”
I take a deep breath and watch as London puts color back into Mom’s cheeks. “Number nineteen, I will love you forever.”
“Fuck, Ava,” Logan hisses.
“Number twenty, the things that die in us prior to death are more tragic than death itself. Number twenty-one, peace will heal heartache. Number twenty-two, without death there is no life, and you gave us life. Number twenty- three, the pain comes from love, and love will heal the pain. Number twenty- four, we see it as the journey ending, but in our hearts, we believe it is truly just beginning. Number twenty-five, heartstrings cannot be seen, nor be severed, ours are attached to your wings forever. Number twenty-six, this is not your end, your story continues with your legacy, us. Number twenty-seven, no one will ever forget you, Mom, nor your beauty, your dignity, your grace, or your love.”
