She was unimpressed, raising one brow his direction. “What about your dad?”
Where did a five-year-old come up with these questions? “What about my dad?”
“Does he have a handsome face like you?”
He stared down the first female to tell him he was handsome, not just once but twice. He’d heard hot, sexy even, but never handsome, and never more than once.
He usually ruined it by then.
“I look a lot like he did.” Don held his breath and waited.
“Did he die?” She didn’t sound hesitant or upset by the possibility.
“Yes. A long time ago.” He glanced up again, making sure there weren’t two sets of eyes watching his every move, breaking it down until they figured out his secret. Luckily, the lovebirds were chatting happily, oblivious to both the weight of the conversation happening just a few feet away and the impact it was having.
Mostly on him. Because this exact conversation was something he’d thought about in those few minutes he let himself dream nowadays. Let himself feel like maybe there was something he could bring to the table as far as Beth and her girls were concerned. Experience. Understanding.
Then, time was up and he remembered what he was and what he never would be.
“Mine’s dead too.” Her little eyebrows came together as she stared up at him. “Are you still sad sometimes?”
He hesitated. So far, he toed the line, not lying, but avoiding the hard truth. But something told him this was a time to tell the truth. The whole truth.
“I am.” She didn’t need to know that it wasn’t just his father’s death that made him sad. An innocent preschooler didn’t need to hear that the fallout of that loss is what led to nearly every bad thing that happened in his life.
And she most certainly didn’t need to know that long list of struggles and sufferings were part of what drove him to care for her mother. Doing what he could to protect her from the same fate.
But she did need to hear it was okay to be sad. It was okay to miss him. It was okay to wish he was there.
Even if no one else understood, he did.
And then his time was up.
“You ready to hang these things?” Paul mussed Liza’s hair as he stepped beside her, looking up at the vaulted ceiling. He stared at the three outdated fans hanging from four-foot rods connected to the sloped drywall. Paul looked back toward the kitchen at Nancy. “You sure you hate these?”
She smiled and nodded, leaning on the granite counter that separated the rooms. “I’m very sure.”
Paul let out a long, loud sigh. “Alright then.” He leaned into Don. “Life lesson. Always keep the woman happy.”
Don chuckled and pushed up the sleeves of his oatmeal colored Henley. He wasn’t sure who Paul thought he was fooling. That man would set himself on fire in the middle of July with a smile on his face if he thought it would make Nancy happy. “Pretty sure I’ll never have to worry about that.”
“Yeah right.” Paul opened the first of the two ladders, positioning it to one side of the first wicker inlaid fan. “Just don’t be a dumbass about it.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Don opened the other ladder, setting it near the first.
“Sure ya don’t.” Paul’s arm swung up beside Don’s head, the big man’s finger stopping a few inches from his temple, pointing out the front window. “Why don’t you go make sure Beth and Kate get inside okay.”
Sure enough, Beth’s van was pulling up the driveway. By the time he made it to the door, she was holding Kate’s hand and the two were carefully stepping along the patchy ice spaced around Paul’s cement driveway.
Don skipped down the steps. Beth looked up as he reached her side. He held out his arm, palm up, stomach tightening in anticipation. “Do you need an extra hand?”
She smiled at him showing the deep dimple tucked into her right cheek. “I think I’m okay-yyyyy! Woop!” Beth skidded on a long thin strip of clear, flat ice she’d managed to set one foot squarely on, the sliding foot moving forward, threatening to stretch her into the splits. She let go of Kate’s hand as she fell toward the cold ground.
Don lunged forward, barely managing to grab her around the waist before she hit the concrete. He lifted her flailing body up, keeping his arms tight around her as Beth struggled to find footing. His heart pounded fast in his chest as her hands gripped his sleeves, her fingers digging into the skin of his biceps through the thermal fabric.
Beth’s face was so close he could feel the warm puff of her breath against his skin. He could see the darker ring of emerald circling the almost apple green of her eyes as they stared into his, wide with shock from the near fall.
Or maybe something else.
Don took a step back, letting her go but still holding his arms out to make sure she was steady on her feet. Unfortunately, his time for dreaming was over for today. He’d used it wisely, but what he wouldn’t give for just a few more seconds to think about what it might feel like to have Beth want to be in his arms. “You okay?”
She nodded and tucked a loose strand of soft brown hair behind her ear and glanced at her daughter. “Kate honey, are you okay?”
“You let her go before you got too far.” He took another step back as she squatted down to check on her older daughter, needing to put a little more space between them.
Beth took Kate’s hand again as she stood up. She looked at him and gave him a little shrug. “I think it’s that instinct all mothers have.”
“Not all.” His voice sounded hard. Even after all this time it was a hard pill to swallow. A dead father he could have handled. A drug-addicted, negligent mother was another thing.
Beth blinked a few times and swallowed hard as her eyes drifted away. “No. Not all.”
“Honey are you alright? I saw you go down.” Nancy scrambled across the sidewalk, her arms out.
Beth waved her off. “I’m fine. Don caught me before I hit the ground.”
“Oh thank God.” Nancy grabbed onto his shoulder as they all walked back to the house. “This driveway is slippery.”
“Maybe I should send my secret salter your way.” Beth’s voice carried back to him as she made it to the porch safely with Kate in tow. She elbowed Paul where he stood on the porch and looked back over her shoulder at Nancy. “Since Paul isn’t taking care of your driveway either.”
Paul gave him a grin from the porch. Don’s eyes darted between Nancy and Beth to see if either woman noticed but they were engrossed in their discussion, neither having a clue the man they were looking for was right behind them. He let out a long breath.
If Beth figured out it was him it was over. The minutes he spent shoveling her driveway, taking care of her and the girls, imagining they were his to care for, they would be gone, replaced by a weird awkwardness. How could he explain why he was there? Why he was doing what he was?
He couldn’t.
“You still haven’t figured out who it is?” Nancy rubbed her arms as she shut the door behind them.
Beth shook her head. “Nope.” She sighed. “I just want to tell them thank you. I feel so guilty that someone is going so far out of their way and I can’t even tell them how much I appreciate it.” She unhooked a pink coat from the rack and held it out. “Liza honey, come put your coat on, we’ve got to go. We’re going to play at Autumn’s house.”
Liza bounced across the room from where she’d been sitting quietly playing on a tablet. She shoved her arms in the puffy coat as Beth held it. As she pushed one hand through a sleeve opening, she pointed at Don. “Did you know his daddy died too?”
Beth shook her head, her eyes leaving Liza to rest on him. “I didn’t know that.” Her eyes held for a second, soft and sad, before dropping back to her fidgety daughter.
“Uh-huh and he says sometimes he’s still sad about it.” She wiggled while Beth tried to zip her up
“I can imagine.” Beth pushed the fine strands that worked their way free of Liza’s pony tails out of he
r face and kissed her nose. “I love you.”
Don stared. As foreign as a house like Nancy’s was for him as a child he’d always known what a mother should be. How she should treat her children. He’d just never been lucky enough to experience much of it firsthand. Beth stood up and he quickly dropped his eyes.
If she was close with Autumn and Jerry then she’d certainly heard about him. None of it good. And that was one more reason she couldn’t discover his secret. Chances were, she along with everyone else, would come to the wrong conclusion about his behavior toward her, thinking he was after something he wasn’t. Would never be. Could never be.
“Are you sure you shouldn’t just go home?” Nancy looked concerned as she handed Beth a pink backpack. “It’s supposed to get nasty.”
“Not until late tonight. We’re just having pizza and hanging out for a bit.” She started ushering the girls toward the front door. “We’ll be home before it even starts, I promise.”
Don watched as Nancy walked Beth and the girls to their van.
Paul’s voice snapped his attention away. “We should get started so we have these up in plenty of time.”
Don climbed his ladder. “Plenty of time for what?”
Paul started unhooking the first fan. “If the weather’s gonna get bad I imagine you’ll have things you want to take care of.”
****
“Have you heard anything?” Beth tore a chunk of breadstick off and held it pinched between her fingers as she waited for Jerry to finish his mouthful of pepperoni pizza.
“He’s back with his mother.” Jerry took a sip from the amber bottle in front of him.
“For now.” Beth tore off another piece of bread. She dropped the chunk beside the rest of the mangled pile of garlic coated carbohydrate on her plate. “What happens when her piece of shit boyfriend gets out?”
Jerry shook his head. “When we pulled him over he was over the limit and had enough heroine on him to charge him with possession with intent to distribute.” Jerry tossed his wadded napkin over his empty paper plate. “All that plus the abuse charge, he’s in for a while.”
Beth leaned her forehead on her hand. “What about his mother?”
She only met Levi’s mother once. When she tried to ask the young woman about his lunch situation the full extent of the little boys issues started to come to light. It was then she made the decision to do whatever she could to give the sweet little boy a chance.
Jerry shook his head. “Matter of time, unfortunately.”
“What does that mean?” Autumn returned from starting a movie for the kids and sat down beside her husband.
“She’s got a drug problem.” Beth just couldn’t understand how a woman could put so much before the well-being of her child, especially a child like Levi.
Jerry put an arm around Autumn. “Eventually she’ll be caught doing something that will land her in jail, or…”
Autumn stared across the room, her face somber. “She’ll overdose.”
“And then what?” This was one of the most frustrating things Beth ever experienced. And as the widow of an alcoholic sociopath, that was saying something. “Then where does he go?”
It was an answer she already knew. She was just hoping against hope Jerry found an amazing long-lost relative that would take Levi in, give him the kind of life every kid deserves.
Jerry’s eyes dropped. “Then he goes into foster care.”
Beth wiped at the corners of her eyes. “I hate this.”
Jerry reached his free hand across the table to pat hers. “There are some really good foster parents around here.”
Autumn snorted. “It might be the best thing that could happen to the kid. I mean look at Don Jenkins.”
Beth shifted in her seat. Up until very recently, Don was just an innocent distraction.
Well, maybe not all that innocent of a distraction.
And now, he suddenly seemed to be everywhere she was, and it was making her fantasy world feel more real than she preferred. Unfortunately, the more real he became, the more she began to wonder about him. The real him. Not just the one she’d crafted in her mind.
Or the one people loved to talk about.
The man she saw was nothing like the man she’d heard so much gossip about and it had her wondering who he really was instead of what people around town liked to say he was. “What do you mean?”
“It was so sad growing up.” Autumn took a slow drink of her soda before continuing. “Everybody knew he was poor, and when his dad died it got so much worse.”
Beth swallowed, not sure she wanted to hear the rest of a story that was sounding strangely familiar in more ways than one.
Autumn shook her head. “His mom just couldn’t handle it and ended up strung out all the time.” She stared across the room. “He was always so skinny. Now I realize he probably didn’t have any food.” Autumn’s voice cracked. “I just can’t imagine.”
Beth shoved her chair out, the legs scraping across the floor. “It got really quiet. I’m going to go check on the kids.”
Beth left the kitchen as fast as she could, needing that conversation as far behind her as it could get. One broken boy was more than she could handle, two would send her over the edge tonight.
She crossed the darkened living room to the sectional where her two and Autumn and Jerry’s three were piled together watching a movie. She sat down beside her girls and wrapped her arms tightly around them.
“Mommy you’re squeezing out my breath.” Kate giggled a little and squirmed under Beth’s grip.
She leaned over and planted a kiss on her older daughter’s warm cheek. “I just love you, you know that?”
“I know mommy, but be quiet okay?” Kate’s eyes were glued to the television.
“Okay.” She leaned in and gave Liza a quick kiss on her forehead before going back to the kitchen to give Autumn and Jerry a shrug. “They were actually all being good.”
Autumn laughed. “That’s where this snow is coming from. Hell’s freezing over.”
****
An hour later, just like she promised, Beth pulled into her driveway just as the snow started to fall. She looked into her rearview mirror at the two sleeping girls in the backseat and sighed. “Crap.”
She started with Kate. It was amazing how heavy a little girl could be when she was dead asleep. After wrangling her older daughter in the house and up the stairs, she returned and collected Liza. By the time the doors were locked and the girls were out of their shoes and coats, she was exhausted.
After pulling on her pajamas, Beth fell into her bed beside them. Normally she liked to have the bed to herself, but this week had been hard and all she wanted was to be close to her babies. Make sure they were loved and taken care of.
She curled up around the two people who mattered most to her in this whole world and fell asleep only to wake with a start a few seconds later.
Beth peered at her alarm clock, trying to make sense of the numbers glowing across the face. Not a few seconds. More like a few hours. She rubbed her eyes, a layer of dried out contact lens gripping the inside of her lids with each move. Squinting hard, she padded to the bathroom to take them out.
A few minutes later she was down two contacts and had minty fresh breath and was walking downstairs to check the doors, just in case, otherwise she would never fall back asleep.
She looked out the front door. The snow that started falling heavily just after they got home had already stopped, leaving a soft looking blanket of puffy white flakes everywhere.
Everywhere except her driveway.
Beth unlocked the door, flung it open and stepped onto the porch. Goose bumps immediately tightened on her bare arms. The wind whipped around the house as she stared at her perfectly shoveled and salted driveway and sidewalk.
“Who in the world is doing this?” Her voice echoed in the silent night air.
It was getting a little ridiculous. Not only was someone clearing her snow, but they were going to gre
at lengths not to get caught.
And it was getting annoying.
What kind of crazy person did this? Who wandered around in the freezing cold shoveling driveways?
She didn’t know, but she sure as hell was going to find out.
SIX
Don twisted the plastic rod on the aluminum mini-blinds covering the small window at the front of the trailer and peeked between the open slats. The snow was starting to taper off, but after a few hours of falling heavily, it had plenty of time to pile up, adding a fresh layer to the blackened, icy slush covering the unplowed road outside.
The timer on the stove began to beep from the tiny kitchen letting him know dinner was almost done. One nice thing, maybe the only nice thing, about being back in the place where he grew up was it took less than four steps for him to be in front of the cook top.
Being careful not to splash out any still boiling water, Don picked up the pot of pasta and turned to pour the contents into the strainer already set in the small stainless steel sink. Dumping the drained noodles back into the pot, he poured over a jar of spaghetti sauce and popped on the lid to let the combination heat through.
While he waited, Don collected his mother’s evening meds and put them in a small dish on the frosted plastic tray he used to carry her meals. After refilling her lidded, plastic cup and feeding in its accordion straw he added it to the tray.
Taking his time, Don cut her portion of spaghetti into small bits. Her swallowing reflex seemed to be deteriorating and he didn’t want to take any chances. Especially with the snow covered roads making it unlikely an ambulance could get to her in a decent time.
It was sad how similar his nightly routine was to the ones he dreamed of having by this point in his life. Bendy straws. Tiny cut noodles. Spoon feedings. Diapers.
It was a cruel twist he never saw coming.
As Don walked into his mother’s room, tray in hand, she turned to face him. He held his breath. She’d been silent all day, but that meant nothing. Her mind was so damaged she could change without warning. Like a switch flipped. One minute his mother would be as docile as a baby, the next she was fighting like her life depended on it. Those were the worst times. For both of them.
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