Once I was in bed, she sent me a text I never responded to. She would thank me later, and maybe staying away from her would cure the case of feelings I had.
The week dragged by. I moved in with Tiny in his little shitty apartment on Thursday with plans to go to my dad’s house the following weekend and get the rest of my shit while he was at work.
My days were free since I barely went to school anymore. The school year was wrapping up and I only had to take one class for the rest of my senior year. Being held back a year had its advantages. I didn’t need many credits to graduate.
Later that afternoon, after Boy’s Club, I went to Finn’s place to practice. Patience quit texting after I quit responding, and if I were being honest, I’d admit I missed her like crazy. Everything was different in my life, but I still felt like I was spiraling out of control unless I was with her.
“Finn, tell Zeke what you said to that chick at The Pit the other night,” Chet said as he took a hard hit from the joint being passed around.
It had yet to come my way, but it had been so long since I smoked. I hadn’t even realized my smoking and drinking had slowed while I was hanging out with Patience.
“I asked her if she’d let me go bare back and balls deep on her,” Finn said casually.
“And then she punched the shit out of him.” Chet laughed through his exhale.
Everyone in the room laughed hysterically. I laughed, too, but I wasn’t feeling it.
The joint finally made it to me and, instead of hitting it, I passed it to Tiny.
“Dude, what the fuck? I’ve known you forever now and I’ve never seen you pass a joint without hitting it. Are you sick?” Tiny asked.
“Love sick.” Chet laughed.
“What’s this you’re talking about, Chet? You saying our boy Zeke’s pussy whipped?” Finn asked with big eyes.
“Fuck you, man. You know better than that,” I said as I reached out for the joint.
I took a big hit and then another before I passed it.
Even my boys were noticing the changes in me. Maybe I was sick. I know I felt pretty sick.
Once the beer was pulled out, I drank until I couldn’t feel anything. It had been so long since I’d been so high and drunk and I fucking loved it. I hated feeling so many things for Patience, and this way I was too drunk to think straight, much less feel.
So when my boy Frankie stopped by with his tattoo supplies, I blamed the alcohol for being stupid enough to get a new tattoo. Getting a tattoo wasn’t a big deal, I had them all over me, but the next morning when I woke up to take a piss and I saw a little blue snowflake on the inside of my left forearm, I knew I was in way over my head.
A week went by in a blur of school, Boy’s Club, practice, and intoxication. I still hadn’t made if over to my dad’s so I was still living out of a duffle bag. We played at The Pit a few extra times in hopes that the record executive would be there the night we played, but we never heard anything about it.
When the weekend came back around, Finn had one of his usual parties. I was in the middle of drowning myself in a bottle of Everclear when I saw her platinum hair across the room. I knew sooner rather than later I’d run into her again. Especially since Chet was banging her best friend on a regular basis now.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. First of all, she’d let Megan dress her again and damn, she looked hotter than shit. Secondly, it was Patience, my snowflake, and I missed her like crazy. She laughed at something Megan said and then ran her fingers through her hair to push it out of her face. All I could think about was the smell of that expensive shampoo she used. When I left the motel, I actually contemplated stealing the pillow case like a psycho.
She must have felt my stare because she turned and her gaze crashed with mine. Her face dropped and her eyes became sad. I knew her sadness. I felt the same. She was the only woman in the world that I’d ever spent time with without sex and I had to be stupid enough to fall for her.
Before she could come talk to me, I walked out of the garage. I couldn’t stand looking at her and I hated the expression on her face. Finn’s mom was out of the town with her new boyfriend, who was Finn’s age, so I shut myself in her room.
Being surrounded by an old eighties-style bedroom set and the god-awful mauve bedding and curtains didn’t help my mood. The mauve reminded me of my mom. It was her favorite color to decorate with. Maybe when I went to get my shit from Dad’s I’d take her chair, too. It was all I had left of her since I was stupid enough to destroy my favorite memory of her.
I guzzled down the burning liquid and prayed I’d get drunk enough to pass out. I lay back on the bed, and the smell of old lady perfume filled my senses and made me want to gag. The music outside the room was so loud I couldn’t think, so loud I almost didn’t hear the soft knocking on bedroom door.
“Go the fuck away,” I slurred loudly.
The music got louder as the door opened and muffled again once it was closed.
“Didn’t I say this room was being used?” I kept my eyes closed as I felt the alcohol taking over me.
“Why are you ignoring me?” Patience’s voice filled the room.
I sat up on my elbows and glared at her with drunken, red eyes.
“Why are you following me? Are you into stalking now?” I snapped.
She flinched at my words and I hoped she’d just leave. Being this close to her and not touching her was killing me. I sat up and slung my feet over the side of the bed. I put my back to her on purpose, hoping she’d take the hint, but still I heard her behind me.
“Did I do something?” she asked.
“Nope, you sure didn’t. Maybe if you had we’d still be talking.”
I knew it was fucked up when I said it, but the urge to be near her was getting stronger.
“So you quit talking to me because I didn’t put out?” She sounded appalled.
“Ding, ding, ding!” I stood up and faced her.
The room turned with me and then I got a good look at the sadness on her face and it pissed me off. She moved toward me and I felt my spine stiffen.
She stood there staring up at me like she was trying to see my hidden secret. It was there, just beneath the surface, and it made me uncomfortable having her look so closely.
“Came to try again? Maybe you won’t freak out when you get off this time?”
It was like a slap to her face. I knew they would be when the words worked their way down my tongue. Her eyes filled with tears and I felt my heart go flat. Swishing her hair in my face, she turned to leave, but hurting her hurt me and I wanted to apologize on the spot.
I reached out and grabbed her arm and she turned to face me. An apology was waiting just behind my lips, but then she looked down at my arm and her eyes went wide. I followed her gaze and saw she was staring at my snowflake tattoo.
“What’s that?” She held up my arm.
I pulled it away and crossed my arms.
“Is that a snowflake?” She pointed at my arm. “Why would you tattoo a snowflake on your arm?” Her expression changed and I saw a bit of hope seep into her eyes. “Is it… did you get it for me?”
Damn right I did! That’s what I wanted to say. Yeah, I was drunk when I did it. Sure, I was completely out of it, but they say a drunken man never lies and I had a moment of honestly when I’d branded myself with a symbol for Patience. She was under my skin always. Why not put her on my skin as well?
Instead of giving in, I went deeper into asshole mode.
“Oh, God, here we go. Go ahead, snowflake. Turn it into something it’s not. Go tell all your little white-collar friends that the white trash boy from across town is so in love with you he went and got a tattoo for you.”
I made it sound as if it were a joke, but in actuality, it was the truth… It was the truth and it sucked.
“You’re such an asshole. I don’t know what made me think I could ever be in love with someone like you.” Her words reached into my chest and squeezed my heart with an
iron fist. “Why do you do that? Why do you give me something great and then snatch it away? What would it take from you to allow me to walk away just once feeling like I’m something important to you? Just once!” A tear slipped down her cheek. “You’re the only person in the world I want to be important to, but you refuse to just give me a minute of that feeling.”
I stood there and listened without saying a word. She had all but admitted she was in love with me. Anything I’d been ready to say was lodged in the back of my throat.
She threw up her arms in frustration. “I’m not going to lie. Yes, I thought the snowflake was for me, but only because you call me snowflake. Parts of me hope you got that tattoo as a memento of a girl you’re crazy about, but I know better. You’re incapable of having feelings at all apparently. So don’t you worry about me having any misconceived notions about where you stand. I know where I place in your life and it’s right below your guitar, your shitty car, some skank you banged last week, and drugs!”
I stood there in shock by the vehemence in her voice. The words she said couldn’t have been more untrue, but it would be wrong of me to admit such feelings for her. Hell yes, I marked my body with her essence, but I’d been marked by her long before the tattoo. She earned the spot on my body as well as my heart and soul, but I’d never be cruel enough to admit that.
I’d die before I trapped her and made her a prisoner of my world. Patience would give me one hundred percent of herself and I knew she’d run full force into my hell without a thought for consequences. I knew this because I wanted to do the same when it came to her, but one of us had to be smart.
She had a future—filled with college and high-paying jobs. She had a future with rich husbands and beautiful blond babies with sparkling blue eyes and flawless skin. I couldn’t offer her more than a minimum-wage life with occasional birthday trips to McDonald’s. I’d never forgive myself if I took her future away.
She turned to walk away and without a single thought I rushed her. My body pressed her slender figure to the crappy, rose-covered wallpaper of Finn’s mom’s room. Her eyes filled with anger and panic. She attempted to push me away and get free, but I grabbed her wrists and pinned her to the wall even harder. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew of her irrational fear of being held down, but she felt so fucking amazing and I’d been dreaming of feeling her this way for the last week.
It’s sad when you realize just being close to someone you love is enough. Not sex, not a dirty romp in my little single bed, just a moment of closeness—the feel of the rise and fall of her breathing against my chest, the puffs of heated breath as they struck my cheek and lips. It was enough when it came to Patience.
“You don’t know anything about what I want or feel. So until you do, I suggest you keep your mouth shut.” She struggled again to get free, and her struggle pushed her body closer.
“Why do you hate me so much?” Tears clogged her throat.
Her words cut at my insides.
“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“Then tell me. Explain it to me since I’m so clueless. All I know is right now you’re looking at me like I’m nothing and it’s validating the fact that that’s exactly what I am… nothing.”
She held back tears. Her face distorted with her effort, but I could see them waiting to rush down her cheeks. She tried again to get free, but I couldn’t let her leave me this way. I slammed my palms against the wall in anger and pressed against her again with my body. My arms were like bars holding her in as I tried to press my palms through the wall beside her head.
She turned her head to the side like she couldn’t look at me. I wanted to see her eyes. I wanted to see inside her just one last time. I ran my fingers against her cheek and tipped her face toward me with the tip of my finger. She closed her eyes to shut me out.
“Look at me.” My voice was a dangerous whisper.
I felt dangerous. I felt like I was about to explode into a million pieces. She had no idea how much she meant to me in such a short time and it pissed me off that she was making assumptions.
Her eyes popped open and looked into mine. I was so close to her. Close enough that I could see the black spots in her blue irises. Her hot breath rushed my lips and I tightened my fingers against her chin.
“You will never know the depths of me, so don’t even try to explore that far. You’ll get lost and you won’t survive me. Don’t pretend to understand my feelings and emotions. Half the time I don’t have any anyway, but when it comes to you, they’re limitless, which is more dangerous. I don’t look at you like you’re nothing. I look at you like you’re everything, because you are, and I fucking hate it.”
I looked down into her face and my intimate gaze made her pause in her getaway. And then she shocked me by leaning up on her tip toes and pressing her soft lips against mine in the most innocent yet provocative way. It gave me a high like I’d never had before. No amount of drugs could match the burn that pulsated through my blood at the touch of her lips. I closed my eyes, pulled her closer to me, and kissed her back.
Twenty
Patience
After the best birthday I’d had since I was a small girl, I left Zeke’s motel room and went home to drama. Mom was sick out of her mind and I felt awful for not having been there with her.
“Why didn’t you call me?” I asked Sydney.
“She made me promise I wouldn’t. It’s your birthday and she said you were probably with your boyfriend and she didn’t want to interrupt.” A tiny tear rushed down her cheek.
She was too young to be dealing with this. If I could take the pain of our dying mother away from her I would in a heartbeat.
I pulled her to me and wrapped her in my arms. “I don’t have a boyfriend. He’s just my friend and still, you and Mom are more important. No matter what she says from now on, you always call me.”
I walked into my mom’s room and was assaulted by the smell of vomit and sickness. She was lying in bed with her head rolled to the side. Had I not seen her chest moving, I would have thought she was dead. I shut the door behind me and the click caught her attention.
A forced smile spread across her face.
“Happy Birthday, baby girl. Again, another thing I’m happy I was able to see. Eighteen years old.” She gasped with each word.
Her fevered eyes took me in and her body shook constantly. Damn, it was hard to see this, but I’d be there no matter what.
I plastered on a big, fake smile. “Yep, the big eighteen.”
I spent hours in Mom’s room with her. I told her about my day with Zeke and she agreed that the McDonald’s thing was sweet. She’d have a fit of coughs every now and again and soon she was too exhausted to talk. Once she was asleep, I left her room and went to mine.
There was nothing worse than watching my mother die, but being ignored by Zeke sucked. A week later I still hadn’t heard from him. After the first two days of texting and him not responding, I gave up.
My dad came home that weekend and I tried to stay out as much as possible, but there was nowhere to go now that Megan was with Chet all the time. Most of the time I’d stay with Mom and when she wasn’t up for company and Sydney was busy, I’d walk to the neighborhood lake and sit until it was late enough to go home and get ready for bed.
Dad must have been busy because he didn’t bother me and I was glad for that.
The following week, I went to school like normal, practiced like normal, and had two games. By the time Friday rolled around, I was ready for the weekend. Megan begged me to go to Finn’s party, and after not seeing Zeke for that long, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to know why he was ignoring me. I wanted to know what I did wrong.
After cornering him in the room and him sort of confessing he had feelings for me, I kissed him. At first he kissed me back and it was wonderful, but then suddenly asshole Zeke slipped into place and he pulled away.
“Don’t kiss me unless you plan on finishing the job thi
s time,” he said as he wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand.
When I saw that damn snowflake tattoo on his arm, I was done. I knew the minute I saw it that it was for me, and it was the highlight of my week.
After he broke the kiss, he stormed from the room. I didn’t see him at the party again. I ended up being the third wheel to Megan and Chet and holding back tears all night. My life was a complete mess, but at least when I was with Zeke I could forget all that. With him removing himself out of my life, things felt ten times worse.
That night when Megan dropped me off, I crept through my house and tried to make it to my room without being seen by my dad. Tonight was not my lucky night and I passed him in the hallway. He followed me with angry eyes as I walked past him into my room. The door barely had time to click before he was opening it and coming in.
“Where’s your sister?” he asked.
I hated that he was asking about her. I hated the idea of him even thinking about her.
“She’s at a friend house,” I responded with my head down.
I wanted to be strong. I wanted to match his stare like a bad bitch until he left my room, but after everything he’d put me through and after being dismissed like nothing by Zeke, I was weak. I’d always been weak.
He grabbed my chin and slammed my head back.
“If you’re going to dress like a whore, the least you could do is look a man in the eye like a whore,” he hissed.
I said nothing. I just stared back at him and waited for whatever was to come. The closer he got, the more I could smell the alcohol on his breath. For a brief moment I felt relief since usually when he drank he would leave me alone and pass out, but this time was different. There was wildness in his eyes that felt off.
“I’m so disgusted by you. Just look at you.” He motioned to my clothes. “Just look at how you turned out. I’m so glad it’s not my blood that runs through your veins.”
The minute the words left his mouth, his expression followed his accident. His mouth gapped open like he was going to fix his mistake, but instead, he stared back at me with wide eyes.
Playing Patience Page 19
