by t. h. snyder
“Hell no, even if she’s an Evan’s, I won’t go near that shit, the second guy replies.
It never seems to end, but I have to brush their remarks off. I keep my head down and walk as quickly as I can to my next class.
For the rest of the day I continue to keep my mind focused on school while coming and going between my last three classes.
After the eighth period bell rings I rush out to the lower lot and get into my bug.
Taking a deep breath, I steady my nerves and feel grateful that today was not a total massacre.
Once I feel that I’m cool, calm and fully focused, I start the engine and head over to pick up Zoe.
As I pull up to the school, I see clusters and lines of students waiting to be picked up. Not sure where Zoe may be lurking, I pull up to the curb behind a few other cars. Putting the car in park and turning off the engine, I lay my pounding skull back on the headrest and close my eyes. Within a few minutes I hear a tapping sound on the window. I open my eyes and look to the right, Zoe stands at the passenger door with a huge grin on her face.
I unlock the door and she gets in, but doesn’t say a word.
“You look happy,” I say, “your first day must have gone well.”
She’s smiling so I take it as a good sign that today was pretty good.
“Yeah, it was okay,” she replies with the smile still plastered to her face.
The entire ride home is left in silence and the lack of conversation doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
The less I have to explain about my day the better.
Pulling into the driveway I push the garage door opener and see that both my parent’s cars are parked inside.
Shit! I should’ve known they’d take the afternoon off to be here when we got home.
This can only mean one thing and there’s no way I’m up for what’s about to hit me when I walk into the house.
Before I put the bug in park I turn to Zoe and grab for her hand.
“Hey, I forgot something at school. Tell mom and dad I’ll be home later and not to worry about me for dinner. I think I’m going to go the library or something.”
“Zar, it’s only the first day of school. It’s not like you have tons of homework or a need to go to the library,” she says giving me a look like I’m crazy.
“First of all you have no idea how my day was or how much work I need to do. Second, I just asked you to tell mom and dad I’ll be home later. Third, whatever I do is really none of your business so get out of my car.”
“Ugh! Zar you can be such a jerk, no wonder you have no friends,” she cries and then slams the door.
Her words hurt, but I guess I do deserve them for being so cruel to her just now. Oh well, no point dwelling on something I can’t take back.
I quickly put the bug in reverse and head back out of the garage.
If I’m able to escape the inquisition of my parents for a few more hours, I’ll be content.
I drive back out of our development, through town and toward the highway.
There’s one place I know I’ll find freedom from my pain. It’s a bit of a drive, but I know I’ll be able to be alone and relax.
As I pull onto the highway, the road sign reads thirty miles until I reach my destination. I crank up the radio and drift into a daze as I drive down Highway 235 and listen to my music. There isn’t much but farmland and fields along my route, but there’s a sense of peace that runs through my body knowing that I’m on my way toward my future in Ames, Iowa
It takes me exactly forty-two minutes to get here.
I love the way this town looks, the way it smells and the way it calms me. Everything about this place makes me feel things that I’ve otherwise bottled up for five years. Happiness isn’t something I let show, mainly because I’d rather hide it in the darkness away from my fears. Something about this town feels right. I’ve come here a lot over the past few years and every time, I know this is going to be where I start my future. There’s a plan waiting here for me and I know that no matter what, I’ll achieve everything I set out for myself here.
I pull over into one of the parking lots, shut off the car and get out. For just a few minutes I lean up next to my bug, but after awhile I find myself starting to walk around. I take in the tall brick buildings and the rows of trees that run along the sidewalks.
My stomach begins to growl and I look at my watch. Shit! It’s already 5:30, I must have lost track of time with my wandering and now I know I should get something to eat. That oatmeal for breakfast and apple for lunch aren’t going to keep me going for much longer.
I pull out my cell and send a quick text to mom letting her know that I’ll be home later than expected.
It’s the least I can do to keep her from wondering where I am, since she’s already sent me at least a dozen text messages. I put my cell back in my messenger tote and walk down the sidewalk. There are a few places I can stop in to grab some food, but with all these choices I need to just pick one.
The smell of pizza hits my senses and I decide to walk into the local pizzeria. Inside there are a bunch of bistro tables and some booths in the back dining area. As I walk towards the counter I see a huge brick oven set up in the kitchen and my mouth begins to water.
A large Italian man greets me at the register and asks for my order. He’s friendly and doesn’t seem to judge me by my appearance. Handing me a number, he tells me to take a seat and he’ll bring my food to the table when it’s ready.
There are a few empty tables in the front of the pizzeria so I grab one over by the giant bay window. This will give me a chance to people watch and enjoy the warm sun shining in through the glass.
The bell chimes at the door signaling new customers coming into the restaurant. I turn my head towards the sound and my heart begins to pick up; its beats going faster and faster as more of them walk through the door. My hands begin to sweat and I feel a lump forming in my throat.
I quickly turn my gaze away from the door and focus on the warm sunshine hitting my face. I need to calm this panic attack before it carries me away. There’s no reason to feel this way. I’m in Ames, a town where no one knows me or the way others treat me back home.
Taking a deep breath, I feel my body begin to relax and my breath steady.
A strong accent startles me and I look in the direction of the Italian man from the counter. He sets my pizza and drink down on the table and asks if I need anything else. I shake my head no and thank him for bringing my food.
I watch as he walks away and my eye catches a glimpse of the guys that just walked through the door. So many emotions run through my body in this instant and I’m not sure what to think of them.
These guys don’t even know me, there’s absolutely no reason for me to freak out or panic just because I’m in the same pizzeria.
I can do this. This is the place where I will start to be Zar again…not the freak.
I take a deep breath in and let it all out. Okay, I’m good.
Taking a bite of my brick oven pizza I continue to watch the guys interact with one another.
Some of them are wearing mesh shorts and tee shirts whereas a few of the others have on khaki shorts with school polos.
I overhear them talking about practice and how they’re all going to kill it once the season starts in a few months. I can only assume they are basketball players; they do have the build for it.
As I’m watching them talk and bicker amongst each another, one of the guys catches my eye. I’ve never been the type of girl to approach a guy, for obvious reasons, but one day I want to be the girl that grabs the attention of a guy.
I continue to eat my pizza and watch the people come and go from the restaurant. A few times I look to the back and watch the guys. This one just keeps pulling my gaze to him. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about him. I can’t put my finger on it, but something makes me want to know more.
This is such an odd feeling for me, I rarely ever want someon
e else to look at me, but with him…I want him to see me.
My phone starts to ring and I quickly dig into my bag to find it. Ugh! It’s mom again and I really don’t feel like talking about why I’m not home yet. I hit the ignore button and send her another text letting her know that I’m okay and will be home in about an hour.
I guess I better clean up here and get back to Des Moines. I need to work through some reading for classes tomorrow and I still have a hike to get back home. Picking up my plate and cup, I walk on over to the trash and throw my stuff out.
As I turn to head back to my table I run smack into a hard body.
Shit!
“Oh sorry…I wasn’t paying attention…sorry,” I stutter.
“Hey, it’s cool. No worries, really. I kind of did creep up on you,” he says with a smile.
Oh my god, that smile, it’s doing things to me that I’ve never felt before. The emotions coursing through my body are crazy weird. He’s not running from me or making cruel comments. In fact, his hand is still on the swell of my back and it feels good.
“Well, thanks for not cursing me out,” I say staring into his piercing green eyes.
“Doll, really, it’s okay.”
“L.C., let’s go dude,” a voice says from behind us.
I move to the side to get out of his way and walk back over to my table. Grabbing up my messenger tote, I slide in my chair and make my way to the door.
I glance back at the hard body I just felt through every nerve of my being. He’s still looking in my direction with a smile of confusion.
I’m embarrassed.
I’m feeling like a klutz.
I’m in awe of this stranger.
I need to get the hell out of here and fast. Walking with a quick pace I make it back to my bug and hop in. Forty-two minutes I’ll be home and in the comfort of my room.
Taking in a deep breath, I chant to myself…I can do this.
This year school started on a Wednesday and lucky for me, Thursday and Friday go by pretty quickly. I had to suffer through a few jabs in the back and comments made in my direction, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be for my senior year.
It still kills me that my peers can be so cruel and hateful. The thoughts of next summer are the only things that keep me strong and sane. If I could just settle my nerves and keep my heart from bursting out of my chest, I might just be able to make it through this school year alive.
Over the past two days my mind kept going back to the guy from the pizzeria, L.C. I still haven’t figured out why he’s sticking to me like he is, but there’s something about the way he looked at me. The thought that he could have seen Zar, the real me, and not the freak from school gives me hope that one day I can leave all this behind and move on.
I hear a taping sound come from my bedroom door. I can only assume it’s mom or Zoe. I really don’t feel like waking up just yet.
“Zar, you up yet?” Mom asks, after opening my door and entering the room.
I pull the covers over my head trying to avoid her.
“Well, obviously I can see that you’re up and moving. It’s time you wake up, get ready and come down stairs. Zeke and Allie will be here soon and I want to spend the day together as a family. You up for it or do you plan on staying up here all day in hiding?”
Now that she’s sitting next to me on my bed, I really don’t have much of a choice. She’s going to continue talking until I get my butt out of bed. I toss the covers from my head and see her smiling face looking down at me.
I let out a heavy sigh.
“Morning mom, thanks for the early wake up call,” I say, scooting myself up to the top of my bed.
“You’re welcome. Now get yourself moving before your brother gets here,” she says, pulling all the covers off of me and the bed.
“Ok, mom, I get it. I’m up now so go bug Zoe until she gets up,” I say swatting her hand away from me.
She lets out a giggle and leaves my room.
Zeke, Zoe and I are fortunate to have parents like we do. As busy as mom and dad are with their careers, they always find time to be with us and make sure our family stays connected.
I love my family. I really do. It’s just that they don’t understand me. All they know is that I’m the Evan’s family member that has an awkward sense for fashion statements because of my dark choices in wardrobe. The worst part about it all is that they don’t even know why I do it. I’ve kept this horrible secret from them for years and I have no intention of them finding out about the pain I feel every day.
It’s only a few more months and then things will be different. At least, I hope things will be different.
Once mom clears out of my room, I hop out of my bed and head into my bathroom. I figure I might as well take a shower before heading down to meet Zeke and Allie. It’s been a few weeks since my brother and his girlfriend came home to visit so I want to make sure I’m ready when they get here.
Zeke and Allie met in college at Iowa State and have been together ever since their freshman year. My brother was an all-American jock and got a full ride to college on a football scholarship. As for Allie, she started off wanting to major in business and found herself falling in love with my older brother. They really are quite cute together and, at times, I feel a bit envious of their relationship.
As for me, I turned eighteen a few months ago and I’ve never even been in a relationship. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that in my school and in my world outside of this house I’m a social outcast.
The sound of a knock snaps me out of my thoughts.
“I’m in the shower!” I shout.
I hear the door open and a few seconds later it shuts. What the hell?
I snap open the curtain a smidge and see Allie standing there with mom and Zoe.
“Umm hey guys, I must have missed the party invite, but if you didn’t notice…I’m in the shower. So can you get out and wait in my room for me?”
The three of them stand there in silence with grins ready to break their faces. I give them all a questionable glare and pull the shower curtain shut. I quickly rinse the soap off of my body and the shampoo out of my hair.
Stretching my arm out of the shower curtain someone hands me both my towels and I begin to dry off. When I pull back the curtain they are all still standing in the same spot with the same look on their faces.
“Come on guys, you’re beginning to worry me here. What’s going on and why the hell would you guys stay in here waiting while I shower?”
Zoe grabs Allie’s left hand and pushes it out in front of me.
With her hand mere inches from my face I now know the sudden reason for them joining me in my bathroom.
“Oh, wow!” I shout.
She lets out a giggle and continues to smile.
“Allie, this is great,” I say.
“I promise I’ll tell you all about it when we get downstairs. Your mom just couldn’t wait to tell you so she insisted we come up here.”
“Well, it’s been an awkward moment for sure. I’ll be down in a few minutes,” I tell her.
“Okay, well we’ll let you get dressed, but hurry up; breakfast is almost done,” my mom says as the three of them walk out of my bathroom and into my bedroom.
Zeke and Allie getting married, that’s great. I’m happy for them
I think we all knew this day would come sooner or later. Ever since they graduated last May, it was just a matter of time. I know they’ve been looking into buying a house and settling down somewhere in between both of their jobs. I guess it makes sense for them to take the next step.
It amazes me how happy I can feel with no anxiety and no fear of a panic attack. But then, as soon as I walk into certain social settings, everything changes, and any hope that I can have what Zeke and Allie have is almost impossible.
I’m hopeless because that’s how my peers make me feel.
I finish up in the bathroom, drying my long black hair and applying some ma
keup. I try not to go overboard with my style, but find that this is a look that suits me everyday regardless of whether I’m at home or out and about. I apply some black eyeliner, smoke up my brown eyes and apply a thick coat of black mascara to my long lashes. I look at myself in the mirror and approve of my appearance, no wait. I grab up my chap stick and apply some to my large pouty lips. Now I’m ready to get dressed.
I wander into my walk-in closet to find an outfit. I throw on a pair of black leggings, a black tank and a short sleeved button down grey and black checkered shirt with my chucks.
Glancing in the full length mirror, I give myself another once over before meeting the crew downstairs.
By the time I make it down the stairs, my entire family is seated at the large table in the dining room. I make my way into the kitchen and grab a glass of orange juice and some food that mom has spread across the breakfast bar. As I fill my plate I listen to the conversation going on in the other room. I can pretty much hear the smile coming from Allie as she tells the family about the proposal.
I walk into the dining room and take my seat next to Zoe.
“Sorry if I took too long up there. Glad you guys started without me,” I say glancing around the table.
“It’s ok, Zar, Allie was just starting to tell us how Zeke proposed,” mom says with a huge grin spread across her face.
“Keep going. I can’t wait to hear all the corny details,” I tell her giving my brother a look.
Allie continues to talk, telling us all about how Zeke took her to the place where they met. He set up a picnic lunch and then dropped to one knee on the fifty yard line at Jack Trice Stadium. According to Allie, it was the most romantic moment of her life when he asked her to be his wife for all eternity.
I feel my heart beat a rhythm faster than normal. Hearing the way Zeke proposed was so beautiful. Watching the two of them interact and share their love just shows how much they care about one another. Even in the simplest way they look at one another.
A smile creeps across my face and I can’t help but tear up.
“Are you crying, little sis?” Zeke asks with a laugh.
