Pierced Love

by t. h. snyder

  Ugh! He is so frustrating. The determination in his voice is endearing, but at the same time I want to punch him to make him shut hell up.

  “Talk Zar, I won’t stop bugging you until we talk about what happened in there.”

  Oh my god, my blood is beginning to boil and I know that if he keeps this up that I’m going flip out on him.

  “Look, Loudon,” I begin to say but he cuts me off.

  “Ahh she does have a voice,” he says looking over at me with a wink.

  “You are relentless, do you know that?” I ask.

  “Mmhhmm, I do. Now, continue with what you were saying,” he says, reaching out for my hand.

  Without even thinking about it my hand lands in his.

  “Argh, I don’t know what to tell you Loudon other than we are too different for one another. Tonight just proved to me that there is no way I could be friends with someone like you. Jill made is quite clear that I don’t deserve to hang out with you guys.”

  “Zar, don’t listen to a word she says and honestly don’t take it to heart. Jill has a serious problem with me talking to any girl, let alone bringing one to a party. It’s not something I do so, to her, it’s a big deal.”

  Without even thinking, my mouth takes over for me and I start talking again.

  “I don’t get it, why would she do something that like to someone?”

  He looks over at me and bites down on his lower lip.

  “Forget it; you don’t have to tell me anything more. I get it, okay”

  “No I don’t think you do Zar. I like you, I don’t know what it is about you, but I refuse to let anyone stand in the way of what I want. Let me explain me to you and maybe you’ll be able to see things through my eyes.”

  Aww, his eyes. Damn it Zar, snap out of it.

  “Okay,” I reply.

  “Jill and I have known each other since we were kids, like since first grade. Our families always interacted with one another so, of course, we were pushed to be close, too. Once we started to get older our curiosity got the best of us and we started dating. One thing eventually led to another and we lost our virginity to one another in ninth grade. It wasn’t like we loved each other, at least for me. We agreed it was something we felt comfortable enough to do together and get it out of the way so that we’d be more experienced when we started to date other people. I was freaking fourteen and my hormones were raging, what else could I do?”

  I nod my head at his statement, “umm maybe not do it,” I respond, again letting my mouth think for me before my brain.

  “Yeah, well it’s a little too late for that now. Anyway, we continued to date and experiment until the beginning of eleventh grade. Things started to get a bit crazy with all my sports and she’d complain that I was spending time with other girls more than her. I tried to get her to understand that honoring my athletic commitments was important to me, but she just didn’t understand. We broke up and ever since she’s made my life a living hell. Anytime I talk, let alone look at another girl she makes sure to get her nose in it.”

  “Hmm, I see.” I reply.

  “I’m being a hundred percent honest here with you, Zar.”

  Yeah, that’s the problem. He may be honest with me now, but if I believe him and give this a chance, would I feel free enough to be honest with him about my secret?

  The rest of the car ride I remain silent. This is all a lot to take in and I don’t know how else to let him know that this just won’t work. The best thing for us is to keep our distance; I mean it’s not like I have to see him again…right?

  Sunday

  I’m a complete idiot to think someone like me would be able to live a life like them. I’ve tried to hide behind the pain, to put on a front of happiness in certain situations. Now, after last night, I don’t know if being happy is really worth the struggles. I’d rather hide. I think I’m better off just being alone. No one will ever understand and there’s no way to go back and change what has happened. Forever I’ll be seen and known as the freak. I am who I am and it is what it is. There is no use dwelling on the things I cannot change. What is the point…there is none.

  A tapping sound signals my attention to my bedroom door.

  I quickly push my diary and pen under my covers and turn on the TV. The knocking gets louder and I figure I might as well tell whoever it is to come on in.

  “Yeah!” I call out.

  “Hey it’s me, Allie, can I come in?”

  Ugh! Great, not exactly who I want to talk with after what happened last night with Loudon. This is going to be hell for the next few years, no, more like decades…damn it…I guess I’m linked to him for eternity thanks to Zeke and Allie.

  She doesn’t wait for me to answer and just walks into the room.

  “Hey girl, how you feeling?” She asks, coming over my way and taking a seat near the foot of the bed.

  “Better, I guess,” I reply.

  She looks at me with a questionable gaze. I’m not sure what she’s thinking in that pretty little head of hers, but something is up.

  “Look Zar, I didn’t drive over here to see how you were feeling.”

  “Oh, no?” I ask curiously.

  “No!” She shouts, “Don’t play stupid with me. I know my brother better than anyone. When you guys came back last night I could tell right away something happened. Plus, you suck as an actress pretending to be sick.”

  My mouth drops wide open and Allie looks at me, her eyebrows raised high.

  “Spill it girl, what the hell happened after you two left the house? Did Loudon do something to upset you?”

  “Allie, I don’t really want to talk about it.”

  This isn’t the time or the kind of conversation I want to be having right now, especially with her.

  “Zar, whatever the hell happened has Loudon a freaking mess. He didn’t wake up to go to the gym or for a run with the team. Seriously, what the hell happened?”

  What is she talking about?

  Why wouldn’t he get up and do his thing…whatever it is that he normally does?

  I don’t get it, or him for that matter. He has no reason to be upset.

  He caused all this to happen. Why is he the one moping around?

  Loudon almost found out my secret, that I was the freak.

  “It was a mistake for me to go with him, Allie. We’re two completely different people in every way,” I let out a heavy sigh, “I should have listened to you. It was stupid, no big deal. Can we just forget about it?” I say trying to pull the covers up over my head.

  Her hand immediately comes up to stop mine from covering my head with the comforter.

  “Hey, don’t do that. Listen. Do you think Zeke and I were one hundred percent compatible when we met? Hell no. He was mister all star jock football player and I was a nerd looking for a business degree. Nothing about us screamed that we should be together. Now, I’m not saying that you and Loudon will have a happily ever after like us, but there’s something going on that has you both so wound up. I can be your friend or I can just be Allie, it’s up to you. Just know that I’m here to talk…okay?”

  She looks at me intently, waiting for me to give her some type of a response.

  Really, I don’t know what to tell her.

  I surely can’t give her the details of what really happened because then she’ll know my secret, too.

  I throw my head back into my pile of pillows and I feel Allie move forward.

  “You okay?”

  “Honestly, no I’m not,” I whisper

  “Zar, something is going on with you and I know it’s not just about last night with Loudon. I won’t pressure you to talk to me about something that you don’t want to, but please know that I’ll always be here for you. Even if it’s something you don’t want anyone else to know about. I promise I’ll keep whatever it is a secret…that is, if you want to confide in me.”

  Allie pulls the covers down and comes up closer to me, grabbing my hand. For a few moments we just sit like
this. I want her to let the whole conversation of last night go, but I have a feeling this is something she’s not going to let go.

  I’ve never told anyone about what happened that day or the pain I’ve felt ever since.

  It’s not something I want to dredge back up.

  It’s bad enough I have to live with the anxiety, fear and lack of confidence. I sure as hell don’t want anyone else to feel that burden as well.

  I look up at her and she’s staring out my bedroom window.

  Her green eyes are almost as bright as Loudon’s, but not quite. Her dark brown hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun and the hood of her sweatshirt is hanging over her left shoulder while she plays with the tattered strings.

  She turns her head to face me and we make eye contact. I can see that this is really bothering her, but I can’t…I won’t share the darkness I’ve fallen into with her.

  I need to break this silence so that she’s okay and will move past what happened last night.

  “Allie, please don’t stress about this. It really isn’t a big deal. Like I said, I shouldn’t have gone to the party with him. It was a different kind of crowd than I’m used to and one of his friends didn’t like that I was there with him.”

  I’ve said too much and a feeling of uneasiness spreads through my body.

  “Oh, hell no, it wasn’t the troll Jill was it? God, I hate that bitch. Please tell me it wasn’t her that has you two so upset.”

  Allie gets up from my bed and walks over to the window. I watch as she paces back and forth, for what feels like forever, along the far side of my room.

  “Zar, please talk to me. If Jill is the reason you two are acting all crazy you need to know that se and Loudon are over. He never liked her to begin with and now she’s all about causing drama wherever he’s concerned.”

  I wonder if Allie really knows the reason behind why Jill doesn’t want Loudon with another girl. I’ve never gotten that attached to another person, so I can’t say that I understand how she feels, but I do know that she’s going about this the wrong way for sure.

  Anxiety over how I acted and treated Loudon last night hits me hard. I can barely swallow the guilt I feel and now I have to deal with.

  Allie kneels down next to my bed and throws her head onto my down comforter.

  “Allie, I have no clue what the hell you are talking about. Yeah, I guess her name was Jill, but I really didn’t pay much attention to her.”

  “So it was her!” Allie says, jumping to her feet, “I’ll call you later, I gotta get going.”

  “Allie, please just let this go. I’m fine and could care less if this Jill girl likes me or not. Seriously, just drop it,” I say, running after her through my room and down the stairs.

  Allie stops at the bottom of the stairs and quickly turns around to face me.

  “Look Zar, I get that you could give two shits about what happened or my brother, but that bitch has crossed the line for the last time with him. You have no idea what she’s put him through the past year.”

  I stop in my tracks and take a seat on the steps. I guess the issue with Loudon and Jill goes way deeper than anything that happened last night.

  It’s none of my business, but I feel bad now for treating him the way I did after we left the barn. It wasn’t right for me to be so rude. Maybe he really didn’t know any of that was going to happen. But still, he knows a bit more about me now thanks to Jill. How can I face him again after everything that happened last night?

  This is the last thing I need to be stressing out about right now.

  “Allie, I’m sorry. It’s not my business what’s happened to Loudon and Jill and I guess I should have talked to him instead of pushing him away last night. I just don’t take criticism very well from others and the things she said really bothered me. I just assumed that Loudon was in on it and that it was some type of prank to hurt the weird new girl at the party.” I blurt out.

  She comes over and sits down next to me on the step. Pulling me into a hug, she leans my head onto her shoulder.

  “Zar, you have no idea how big of a heart Loudon has; he would never do anything to hurt you or anyone else. You need to learn to open up to people and not push them away. It’s something you’ve been doing for the past few years. In fact, you have done it the entire time I’ve known you. Do me a favor and give him a chance. I’m not asking you to change who you are, but let others see what an amazing person you are on the inside, not just the outside, let them see the whole package.”

  I realize my eyes are closed and tears begin to prick the back of my eyelids.

  Allie has a point. I’ve been treated like hell by my peers for years and since that day I built a wall that no one has been able to break down. I’m too scared of letting it down for fear that they’ll see the pain, the hurt and the anger I hold inside because of what they did to me.

  We pull away from one another and Allie sees that I’m crying. She wipes away my tears and a smile creeps across her face.

  “Give him a chance to explain, okay?” She whispers.

  I nod my head in agreement and she pulls me into a hug. Even though he did share a bit with me last night, I still owe him more than I gave him last night. I was hurting, but it still wasn’t fair of me to push him off like I did. After all, he does really seem to care about our friendship.

  “Whatever this is that is going on Zar, you need to talk to someone. It’s too much for you to deal with alone. I get that you don’t want to talk to me or anyone else, but please consider it.”

  I can’t control my emotions any longer. The tears are pouring down my cheeks and I start sobbing into Allie’s shoulder. She rubs my back to help calm me, but it’s pointless. Years of hurt are coursing through me right now and I don’t know how I’ll be able to pull it all together.

  “Shh, it will be okay Zar. I promise you it will all be okay.” Allie repeats over and over for the next few minutes while rubbing my back to help soothe me in my moment of weakness.

  I know I need to control the pain that is coursing through my veins, but Jill’s words, and those of my peers before her echo in my ears.

  I need to gather these thoughts and push them deep down so that I can pull myself together.

  Squeezing my eyes as tight as possible, I begin to envision the setting sun. The bright colors, the warmth it provides and the way it feels against my skin.

  Taking in a deep breath I feel myself slowly calming and coming down from my fit of tears.

  Pulling away from Allie, I wipe my cheeks and rub my wet hands onto my sweatpants.

  “I’m sorry for falling apart like that Allie. I didn’t sleep well last night and it all caught up with me. Thank you for being here for me, it means a lot.”

  “I know you don’t have many people to trust or confide in Zar, but please take me up on my offer. I’m here now and will always be here for you if you need a friend. After all, in a few months we will technically be family.”

  She giggles against me and a sense of peace rushes through my body.

  Allie is right. She will be my family and I need to trust that my family is here to help support me.

  I just don’t know how to talk to them about what I feel without them judging me or me letting them down.

  Friday

  The last few days have passed by in the horrendous blur that is my day-to-day life. I wake up for school, dread the torture that will plague me up through graduation and do my best to swallow down the panic that attacks me during the day. Then after all of that fun is said and done, I come home to do my homework, eat, sleep and then start the whole miserable ritual up again the next day. Good times had by all…not! Seriously though, it’s only been a week and a half of my senior year and I can’t wait to be done. My peers are no less vicious than they were last year. Even the new kids find a reason to watch my every move like I’m about to explode. How is it even possible for them to act or treat me that way, they don’t even know me. In fact, half of the school t
hat treats me like a freak doesn’t even know the truth of what happened that day. Out of everything that hurts me, that is probably the part that bothers me the most. How can someone intentionally want to hurt another person when they have nothing to do with that person or worse yet, they don’t even know that person? No matter how invisible I attempt to be, they still find me. It doesn’t matter if I sit in the front of the class or the back, they still stare. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t get out of, at least not until after graduation. Sometimes I wonder if I would have acted differently that day, would things have changed so drastically. I can wonder all I want, but it doesn’t change the fact that day can’t and won’t be erased from my past. The only hope I have of people moving on from it is me moving on from it in a new life in a new place. That new place for me has always been in Ames, Iowa at Iowa State. Now, I don’t know if that future is still even possible. Ever since last weekend, and the run in with Jill, I worry that my past will follow me around, regardless of where I live or go to school.

  I let out a heavy sigh and close my diary for the night. I feel emotionally wasted after that entry.

  I throw my legs off the side of my oversized comfy chair and tuck my diary back into its hiding spot in my room.

  Glancing around my room, I’m grateful for the things I have. I just wish my emotional state of mind was stronger. It would help me deal with the hate and the hurtful actions of my peers.

  I get into bed and slide under my covers and down comforter. Lying down, I instantly feel a wave of comfort.

  Between the confusion of what happened last weekend at the party with Loudon and the pain of making it through school each day I’m exhausted as I lay my head down on my pillow tonight.

  I try to keep my mind off of him, to not think about how he consumes my thoughts, but I can’t. There’s just something about Loudon that makes me feel calm. Even after what happened, I still want to see him, to be near him again.