by t. h. snyder
I’ve seen the same type of interaction between Zeke and Allie, maybe not quite as intimate, but still, you can tell how much they love one another.
Within a few minutes a pile of pancakes are placed in front of me and I can hardly wait to dig in and devour them. I don’t know when I’ve ever been this famished.
I grab the syrup from Zoe and pour the warm maple goodness onto my short stack.
Mom hands both Zoe and I a glass of orange juice and we begin to eat in silence.
The four of us finish up our food and Zoe helps me to clear the plates and load the dishwasher.
I glance around the kitchen to make sure we got everything and I see mom watching me out of the corner of my eye.
“Everything okay? I ask looking at her.
“Hmm, yes of course. We…your dad and I wanted to chat with you about next Friday.”
I walk over to the other side of the breakfast bar and take a seat next to her.
“Why, what’s next Friday? Did I miss something?” I ask looking between my mom and dad.
Shit, am I forgetting something? With everything else that’s been pooling around in my mind, who knows what I’ve forgotten over the past few weeks.
“It’s homecoming,” she says, looking me dead in the eye.
Oh no…she’s not thinking about making me go to some stupid dance. Is she?
“Yeah, so,” I reply, getting up from the stool.
I can’t sit right now. I feel like I should be pacing the room right now.
“Well ordinarily we wouldn’t make a big deal about it, but it’s your brother’s five year class reunion this year and since the game is between Parkland and Palmer the school is going all out this year.”
“Okay, so what did you need to talk to me about?” I ask.
I know exactly what they want me to do. I don’t want to go to homecoming or the game for that matter.
“Zar, look that night five years ago was hard on us all. We need to make a point this year to celebrate it for your brother. It was his night to shine as a senior on that field and we missed it.”
Mom gets up from her stool at the bar and walks over to me by the sliding glass doors. She puts her arm around me and pulls me into her side.
“We all miss her sweetie. Everyday gets easier and I promise you that she’s still watching over you. She’s proud of you just as much as we are, Zar.”
I touch the delicate bracelet that sits on my left wrist. Nana gave this to me for my birthday five years ago and I’ve never taken it off. It means more to me that anyone will ever know and by wearing it, I know that she’s always with me.
I look up at my mom as the tears fall from my cheeks. She, too, is full of emotion and she’s right, I do miss her terribly.
Friday
Am I strong enough to do this? When will the hurting and pain stop? Can I ever make it all go away? So much has been on my mind the past week. I hate the way things ended last weekend with Loudon. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I wonder if he’s been thinking about me, too. I so badly want to pick up the phone and call him, to tell him I’m sorry. I want to tell him everything that is wrong and ask him to help me fix…well, fix me. I feel good when I am with him. But is it enough to share my deepest and darkest secrets with him? He wanted me to give us a chance and I turned my back on him…on us, again. I don’t know when or if I’ll see him again, but when I do, I know the feelings he gives me are going to still be there. I like him and wish I could be the girl he deserves.
I’ve just written Friday’s private message in my diary and now I’m pacing my room. There’s so much running through my mind right now and I don’t know what to make of any of it.
I clench my hands and grip them tightly together. They’re already sweating and my heart is started to pound at a quicker pace.
In less than a half hour mom, dad, Zoe and I’ll be leaving to go to the Parkland homecoming football game vs. our arch rivals, Palmer High.
This is also the game that celebrates the five year anniversary of my brother breaking every record for a high school quarterback in the state of Iowa.
It was also the day that my life changed forever.
The thing about today is that my family doesn’t understand, let alone know what really happened to me that night.
I sit down in my comfy chair and think back to that night five years ago.
“Come on, Zar!” I hear my mom shout. “You’re gonna make us late for the game.”
I look down at my brand new bracelet that Nana gave me for my birthday. I love it and it means so much to me that she gave it to me for my birthday.
I reach down and straight my cheerleading outfit and glance over to the floor where my pom-poms and megaphone sit.
Ugh! I just want to spend tonight with Nana. She hasn’t been doing too well the past few days and I hate to leave her here in the house by herself.
I look down at her in the bed as I stand and get ready to leave.
She looks so frail.
So weak and tired, yet she fights everyday to put a smile on all of our faces.
She’s the strongest woman I know.
Everyone tells me I’m exactly like her and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
My Pap passed away last spring and Nana has been living with us for the past year. Every day, she makes a point to teach me something new or tell me a story of her life.
She is an extraordinary person and I love spending time with her.
I know her time with us is limited, but leaving her tonight just doesn’t seem right.
I grab her hand in mine and pull it to my chest.
“I love you Nana. I know you can’t be at the game with us tonight, but we still need you to cheer on Zeke tonight. It’s his big night. If he plays a good game he’ll go down in history as the best high school quarterback in the state of Iowa.”
Her eyes open and a smile spreads across her face.
Shoot, I woke her up.
“Oh Nana, I’m so sorry for waking you,” I say, releasing her hand.
“It’s okay my sweet girl,” she replies.
I watch as she takes a tissue from her sleeve and dabs her eyes.
She’s crying. Have I upset her?
“Nana, what’s wrong?” I ask, sitting back down in the chair next to her bed.
“Nothing is wrong my sweet Zar. I just love you so very much,” she says, as tears fall from her face.
“I love you, too, Nana,” I reply.
I suddenly feel consumed with emotion.
Something is not right and I’m not sure why I have this aching in the pit of my stomach.
“You need to go now sweet girl. Have fun and cheer on your brother for me. Tonight will be a night you’ll never forget. Just remember I’ll always love you and I’ll always be your biggest cheerleader.”
I hear the words as they leave her lips. She has no idea what an impact she’s had on me the past few months.
I don’t want to leave her tonight. I feel like I should stay.
“Nana, I think I should stay home with you tonight,” I say, as tears begin to fall from my eyes.
My Nana and I have always had a strong connection, but since she’s moved in we have gotten so much closer.
She’s the one person I can talk to about anything.
She’s the one person that can make me feel like I’m the only person that matters.
“You need to go Zar. Your squad and your brother need you to be there to cheer him on tonight.”
I turn around as I hear someone enter the room.
“Mom, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” My mom asks Nana.
“I’m fine dear, just tired. I was just telling Zar to hurry on and be sure to cheer extra hard for Zeke tonight.”
My mom walks over to the other side of the bed. She leans down to give Nana a kiss on the top of her forehead and runs her fingers through her hair.
“Tomorrow we take you for a girl’s day and get this hair looki
ng fabulous again,” mom says with a wink and smile.
“Sounds like a wonderful day Roberta, now you two go before you’re late.”
Mom comes around the bed and grabs for my hand.
“Ok mom, I’ll check on you when Troy and I get back tonight. Zar will be staying over at a friend’s house, so we’ll pick her up before we go to the Beauty Salon tomorrow.”
Mom blows Nana a kiss and I do the same.
“Love you Nana, see you tomorrow.”
I blink rapidly as the flood of tears releases from my eyes.
I miss her so much.
I should’ve stayed home with her that night.
It’s my fault and I’ll never forgive myself knowing that I felt something wasn’t right and I still left.
Getting up from my chair I go into my bathroom to clean up. I can’t let them see me so upset like this.
I need to pull myself together and prepare for a night of hell.
Not only do I have to live with the memoires of five years ago, I have to find a way to make myself invisible at the game.
I couldn’t bear the pain of someone saying something about me when I’m with my family.
If there was any way out of this, I would find it and run.
I flip the light switch in my bathroom and shut the door.
Looking up at my reflection I can see me, Zar. But something is still missing, the girl that used to have so much life in her.
Some days I want to be that girl again, but I know it’s not possible.
I wonder what it would be like if that night never happened.
Would I be the girl everyone loves to be around?
Would I be surrounded by my friends?
Would I be the kind of girl that would make Loudon happy?
I grab the washcloth and turn on the water.
I soak the black cloth with hot water and place it against my face.
The warmth of the washcloth is soothing against my skin.
I wipe around my eyes and remove the makeup that is running down my cheeks.
As I look at myself in the mirror, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be that girl from five years ago again.
Is it possible?
If so, what do I need to do to be her?
I so desperately want to be happy and not be seen as a freak by others, but how?
I shake my head thinking about all of this’ not having any real answers. I don’t have the time to ponder my existence any more tonight, I need to get ready and down stairs.
I finish cleaning up my face, dry it off and apply my make-up.
Once I’m all set and ready, I give myself a once over. Tonight in support of Zeke, I am wearing his high school football hoodie and a pair of black skinny jeans with my chucks.
As I look up and down my reflection, I nod in approval and exit the bathroom.
Before I walk out of my bedroom I grab my messenger bag and toss it over my head onto my shoulder.
I turn off my light and make my way down the stairs and into the kitchen where mom and dad are waiting for me.
“Where’s Zoe?” I ask.
“Well apparently it’s not cool to show up for a football game with your parents so dad just got back from dropping her off at Paige’s house.”
I give my mom a questionable look and shrug my shoulders.
“You’re more than welcome to head over on your own too.” Dad says patting me on the back and wrapping his arm around me.
“Nah, that’s stupid. I’m going to be sitting with you guys there anyway, so I’ll just tag along with you two,” I reply, leaning into my dad’s side.
“Ok, Zar, well we’re just waiting for Jim and Mar to get here and then we’ll head on over to the football field,” mom says.
“Wait, what? Allie’s parents are coming here?” I say, with a look of surprise.
“Well yeah, Zeke and Allie went over early for the bon-fire so we told her parents to just come along with us. I think Loudon will be coming too. Isn’t that great!” Mom says with a squeal and emphasizing the word great.
Yeah, this isn’t so great if you never want to see Loudon again.
I just nod and turn my head into my dad.
The doorbell rings and I jump.
“You ok. kiddo?” Dad asks.
“Yep, just great!” I reply, mocking mom’s earlier tone.
“I’ll get it,” mom says and dashes out of the kitchen and toward the front door.
Within a few moments I can hear the voices of the Clarke family and my heart skips a beat when I hear his voice.
I move away from my dad and over to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. I need something to keep my mind busy and not on the guy that just walked into my house.
As I shut the door to the fridge and turn, I see the three of them standing there.
My eyes immediately find him and I can’t help but look him over from top to bottom.
Today he’s wearing a pair of black adidas sneakers, dark jeans and a hoodie that has Palmer basketball written across the front. His hair is styled in a mess and when I look toward his bright green eyes they are looking directly back at me.
My breath catches and for a moment, my heart stops.
As much as I want to look away, I can’t. It’s like our eyes are glued on each other and neither one of us wants to break the trance.
I hear my mom giggle.
“Zar, you want to grab a few more of those water bottles so we can take them along with us?” She asks.
I blink a few times and try to regain my wits about me.
A huge smile appears on Loudon’s face and I give him a smirk, squinting my eyes in a glare.
Damn him.
“Yeah, sure,” I reply, now looking directly at my mom.
She smiles at me and I can guarantee she’s squirming inside having just witnessed the interaction between Loudon and me.
This night is starting off just awesome; I can bet it’s only going to get better…not!
The ride to the football field couldn’t have been any more awkward.
As we were getting ready to walk out the front door, Mom suggests that I drive over to the game with the Clarkes, just in case they got lost along the way.
Right, I’m sure that’s the reason she suggested it. Damn her and her pushy match making tendencies.
If she really knew how I felt about Loudon, being near him and the panic that’s swirling in my stomach about tonight, she’d let it go.
I’m seated in the back seat of the Clarke’s Range Rover watching as the town of Des Moines passes us by.
There’s the sensation of anxiety running through my veins, but nothing too overwhelming.
“So, Zar,” Marilyn begins, “Allie tells us that you got into Iowa State for the fall. That’s great!”
I look forward and smile.
The thought of attending college this time next year makes me hopeful for better things to come.
“Yeah! I’m really excited about it, too. I’ve wanted to go to Iowa State ever since Zeke got accepted five years ago.”
I smile to myself.
I’m really looking forward to the change of scenery, the peace and the fact that I won’t know anyone.
It will be my time to start fresh.
“Well it looks like both you and Loudon will be following in Zeke and Allie’s footsteps. Isn’t that right, Loudon?” His mom asks, turning back around to look at him.
My mouth drops open and I look across the seat at him.
He’s sitting there watching my reaction to the news.
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” he replies with a smug look.
“He’ll be there alright, but if he doesn’t get his grades up he’ll lose his athletic scholarship. You can’t make it on just your basketball moves anymore, son,” his dad chimes in.
I watch as Loudon rolls his eyes and then lifts his lips to smile.
He really is cute the way his green eyes shine and his lips curve and bring out that dimple.
I’m lost in him, yet again.
It’s crazy how one person can have such an effect on me like he does, but I feel drawn into everything about him. The way he makes me feel safe and secure, it’s like no one can touch me when he’s with me.
He grabs my hand and pays no attention to the fact that his dad is calling his name.
I break our gaze and glance up toward the front of the car. From the corner of my eye, I can see him shaking his head and laughing.
“Dad, don’t sweat it. I’m going to find a tutor and get those grades up before anyone can notice that they’ve slipped.” He replies, leaning forward and patting his dad on the shoulder.
“Well, maybe you and Zar should spend some more time together. Allie has bragged you up as being in the top of your class. Perhaps you can help Loudon with his studies,” Marilyn says.
My body tenses as the words leave her mouth.
What in the world are our parents trying to do?
Loudon squeezes my hand and rubs this thumb along the back of my hand.
It’s like he knows what I am feeling and he’s trying to comfort me.
“You know Zar, that wouldn’t be that bad of an idea. It’s only two subjects that are bringing me down. How are you with Physics and Calculus?” He asks, watching me.
I turn my head to face him.
A smirk is plastered across his face and he is staring back at me.
“Well?” He asks.
“Umm…well, yeah I guess I could do that,” I stutter.
“Are those subjects you are comfortable with?” Marilyn asks.
Of course they are. Those are my two favorite subjects, the ones that I’ve worked the hardest to learn and understand. With the knowledge of those two classes I’ll be making my way to Iowa State with a major in sustainable energy.
“Zar, honey,” Marilyn says.
“Oh yeah, sorry. I got lost in thought there for a minute. Those are two of my best subjects. I can help Loudon, if he wants,” I reply.
Taking my hand back from Loudon’sm I feel a sense of nervousness hit me.
Why is it that we are being brought together like this all of a sudden?
I don’t understand what’s going on.
I feel consumed in a pit of confusion.
