by t. h. snyder
Zoe jumps in front of her and comes in close to me to say she is so sorry for what she said yesterday morning. She gives me a big hug and pulls away before anyone comments on our moment of sisterly bonding.
“Come on guys, leave her be, she looks like she just woke up. Let me fix her up a bit before anyone gets to close,” Zoe chimes in and pulls out a brush from her giant purse.
I look around the room and see that my entire family is here.
“Umm, good morning to you guys, too. Actually yes, I did just wake up and saw that you must have been having a party while I was sleeping.”
Allie laughs and Zeke pulls her close to his side.
Mom walks over to me and places her hand on my forehead.
“How does your head feel this morning? Do you still have a headache?” She asks.
“It still hurts, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. How long was I sleeping or should I ask how long were you guys camping out?”
Allie comes up and sits next to me on the bed.
“Well, Loudon hogged you for most of the night, but mom and dad made him go home and get ready for school today,” she says with a smile.
“Oh,” I reply with a pout.
“Don’t worry; lover boy will be back after practice today,” she says, smacking my leg and laughing out loud.
Zeke comes up behind her and picks her up off the bed.
“Would you leave her and Loudon alone? Just because you now think you’re a matchmaker doesn’t give you the right to intervene. Got it?” He asks, pointing a finger in her face.
“Whoa, wait a sec. If I remember correctly...” a voice says entering the room, “…you didn’t want me anywhere near Zar the first day we met.”
“Loudon!” I shout.
The excitement in my voice causes everyone to turn in my direction.
“Oh please, that was like weeks ago, things are totally different now,” Allie says with a giggle and a huge grin on her face.
I take my eyes off of my brother’s over excited fiancée and watch as Loudon walks in the room and comes over to stand alongside of me.
He’s dressed in comfy clothes with a grey hoodie and black track pants. Even in these clothes he looks cute.
“Hey doll, sorry I couldn’t stay last night, but the good news is I’m here now. How are you feeling?” He asks.
He grabs my hand in his and laces our fingers.
“I feel much better than last night, thank you,” I tell him, “how are you here, I thought you had school?”
“Don’t worry about me. I wanted to make sure you got home by tonight so you can start tutoring me. Then it won’t matter that I missed those dumb classes today,” he says with a wink
He bends down and kisses my forehead.
A huge smile is now plastered across my face and I feel like I couldn’t be happier than I am in this exact moment.
While Loudon has my hand in his he rests his body against the bed. I watch the reactions of everyone in the room, but no one seems to be thrown off by his public displays of affection toward me. Maybe it’s just me that thinks this is a bigger deal than it really has to be. Loudon and I are not the center of attention that everyone needs to be focusing on and I am totally okay with that. In fact, everyone seems to be chatting amongst themselves.
“You sure you’re okay after our little talk last night?” He asks.
“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks so much for being here for me. I needed a friend and you were right there to help me,” I reply.
“Well, like I told you last night. You’re stuck with me and I don’t plan on going anywhere without you anytime soon.”
I lean my head against his arm and let out a relaxing breath.
He really does bring out a calmer side in me.
Mom clears her throat and pulls me out of my Loudon induced la la land.
“Well, this has been an exciting morning for all of us I’m sure, but we need to let the doctors in to check Zar out. I’m hoping we can take you home later this afternoon,” mom says in a stern voice.
“Yes, your mom is right, let’s all head out to the waiting area and let Dr. Roberts in to talk with Zar,” dad replies and begins ushering everyone out of the room and into the hallway.
Loudon squeezes my hand and tells me he’ll see me in a few minutes.
I let go as his hand releases mine, but I so badly wish he would stay in here with me. Just having him near me helps to keep me calm. I honestly don’t know what it is about him that is so soothing to me. Maybe it’s the fact that from the start he has taken the lead with us. He’s shown me that I was worth the trouble and no matter what; he still wants to be with me.
I watch as everyone leaves the room, all of my company except for my parents, that is.
I keep my eyes on them as the two of them speak to one another by the door and then walk over to my bed.
“Well, that certainly was a fun way to wake up,” I say trying to break up the moment of awkward silence.
“Umm yeah, now that the party has filtered out, we want to take some time to talk with you alone. Your mom and I were able to discuss some of the test results with Dr. Roberts while you were asleep. We really need to talk to you about some of the things that the doctor mentioned to us,” dad says, taking a set in the chair next to my bed.
“Okay,” I reply, seriously drawing out the word for emphasis.
I’m feeling a bit anxious about the conversation that’s about to hit me. Not knowing what the results are is killing me, but the fact that my parents are going to need a lot more information from me is even worse.
“Yes well, the results of your scan and tests were good. There is no serious damage to your brain from the seizure which is amazing, but there is still the looming concern that you have passed out twice now in the matter of a few weeks.” Mom says, coming to sit next to me in the bed.
“We’re worried about you Zar and even more concerned that there may be something going on that you won’t tell us. You know we are always here for you and if you have any health concerns you can come and talk to us.” Dad says.
I stare back and forth between my parents in pure disbelief.
Thankfully, the seizure didn’t do more harm than knock me on my ass and give me a crazy bad headache, but they are right; I should have gone to them instead of hiding the attacks.
“We get that it’s not cool to talk with your parents, but you need to understand that we are always here for you no matter what. Can you imagine if this had happened and no one was around or if you had been at school?” Mom says, placing her head in her hands.
My eyes shoot up at her. In school, does she have any clue as to what I’ve gone through the past few years?
No, she doesn’t, how could she?
This whole thing is my fault, if I would have gone and talked to them about this when it happened, things could be very different for me right now. The pain of the past five years might not even exist. They didn’t do this to me, I did.
This is my fault.
Tears begin to fall from my face and the sobs I’ve been trying to hold in bursts from my mouth.
“I’m so sorry, mom and dad. I know this all my fault. I never meant to let you down or disappoint you,” I say with tears streaming from my eyes.
Mom moves up to me on the bed and pulls me into a hug.
“Zar, stop that right now. You’ve never been any of those things to us; why would you ever say something like that? Your father and I love you and are so very proud of everything you’ve accomplished.”
Dad comes up and joins in on the moment by pulling mom and I into his arms.
Before we know it, the three of us are rocking on the hospital bed in tears. I’ve never heard or seen my dad cry. This is a surreal moment and one that I know is the right time to tell them the truth.
This hidden pain has been ripping me apart long enough.
Now it’s gotten to the point that my social awkwardness is putting my health in danger and family is wallowing in
concern.
I try to pull out of my parent’s arms and wipe my tear stained cheeks.
Taking in a deep breath I let it back out and close my eyes for a split second.
This is the moment I’ve been dreading for far too long and now it’s about to really happen.
I don’t know how they’re going to take this or how they will react that I’ve kept it from them for this long.
Now is the time; there’s no turning back. No matter what the outcome is, I will know that I’ve been honest and truthful with them.
At least that much of this burden with be off of my chest for good.
I need to tell them everything, starting with the night it all happened.
I can’t believe I’m about to do this.
To think that I’ve kept it all to myself for this long and now I’m sharing my fear and insecurities with other people.
I wait while dad goes out to get Loudon, I need him to be here and hear all of this first hand.
If I’m going to spill out the darkest part of my soul I need him to hear it and hear it from me, too.
It’s the least I can do for him. He’s been there for me so much the past few weeks. He says he wants to help me through the darkness, so now it’s time to see if he can really handle learning and dealing with the pain I’ve felt for five years.
Mom walks over to me and sits down on the corner of the bed.
“You know that my heart is racing right now. I have no clue what I’m about to hear from you Zar, but I will tell you that it has my stomach in knots.”
I grab for her hand and stare in her eyes.
She looks tired and stressed, but I can still see the love that she has for me. I hate myself for putting her through this. How could I have been so selfish for all of these years? I never thought about how this could impact my loved ones and those around me.
All I wanted to do was hide and keep the pain to myself.
“I’m so sorry mom. I wish…ugh I don’t know what I wish, but I hope that you’ll still see me as the Zar you know and love. The worst part of this whole ordeal is that I’m so scared of how you will judge me once you know the truth.”
The door to my room opens and dad walks in; Loudon follows him.
A smile instantly comes to my face and my heart skips a beat; he does this to me.
I can’t explain how good it feels to have him in this room with me.
Even though he doesn’t know the worst of what’s happened, he still made a point to say he wanted to be here for me and try and help me get through whatever is hurting me.
Dad moves to the far side of the room to grab some chairs, but I stop him before he picks them up.
“Dad, wait,” I say.
All three of them look in my direction and I feel like a huge spotlight is facing me.
“I have some pretty intense stuff to tell you guys and I’d rather if you were close. Don’t pull up the chairs.”
I pat the covers by the end of the bed and gesture for them to sit up here next to me. I sit Indian style so that there’s more room and they all take a seat up on the bed surrounding me.
Mom was the first to come over and sits at the bottom left corner of the bed, dad scoots in next to her on the right side and Loudon comes up next to me.
I smile, thinking how silly the four of us must look, but I need them to be close to me for me to be able to do this.
Loudon rests back against the pillows at the top of the bed and swings his left arm around the back of my waist.
Feeling his presence makes me so much calmer than I thought I’d be.
I take in a breath and brush a few strands of hair from my face.
“I know what I’m about to say is going to be hard to hear. In fact, at times I’m not sure how I’ll be able to explain some of the things I’ve gone through, but please just hear me out,” I let out a heavy sigh; I’m nervous, scared and worried what they will all think.
“Zar, we love you and whatever you have to tell us is going to be fine. Nothing is going to change that we are here for you now and everyday moving forward,” mom says, grabbing my hand and rubbing it in her own.
I look at my mom, the woman who has shown me nothing but love since the first day I can remember.
My dad is staring back at me intently, waiting to hear the news that I’m so scared will break his heart.
I glance over at Loudon. He’s not smiling or frowning back at me. Instead he’s intently watching me with those bright green eyes, waiting to catch me when I fall.
These three people mean so much to me and I know, more than ever, that I need to count on them to help me get through this today and each day ahead.
“Okay, well here goes nothing,” I tell them.
“This all started a few years ago; in fact, it happened on one of the worst days of my life…the day Nana died.”
I reach for the delicate bracelet on my left wrist and it’s not there. The nurses must have taken it off when they got me dressed and into bed.
I immediately look at mom. She’s chewing her trembling lower lip and tears begin to pool in her eyes. Dad grabs for her hand as a symbol of support and I know that I need to continue.
“I knew leaving her that night was wrong, something just felt weird when I was talking to her. You both know how close I was to her, even though she was my grandmother she was also my friend, my confidant and my biggest cheerleader.”
My hands begin to sweat as I rub them back in forth as I talk.
“Even though she pushed me to go to the game and cheer on Zeke, I felt it in the pit of my stomach that someone should have stayed with her.”
I look toward my mom, “I mentioned it on the way to the game that one of us should have stayed home. I’m grateful that Joanne was close next door if needed, but we all know nothing could have gotten her there soon enough to help Nana. I’m so sorry. I should have stayed home that night. If I had, Nana would never have been alone, she wouldn’t have needed to get up herself and she wouldn’t have fallen,” a simple sob comes through my lips.
Mom moves to the top of the bed and pulls me into her arms. We cry together for a few moments.
“Zar, what happened to Nana was not your fault. Nothing is your fault. It could have happened even if we were sitting in the living room watching television. You know your Nana was not one to let others wait on her. She would have gotten up and gone downstairs regardless if you were sitting next to her. Please do not hold the burden of what happened to her in your heart.”
She pulls away from me and takes my face in her hands. Looking me in the eyes she tells me again that it wasn’t my fault.
I want to feel like the weight is lifted from that portion of my soul, but there is still so much more for them to know about that night.
I pull my mom’s hands down from my face and into her lap. She doesn’t back up on the bed, rather she stays put holding onto my hands for dear life.
“That night at the game I felt it happen. I know it sounds strange and totally out of this world. I was in a mount about to twist out of a liberty and saw you and dad running down the bleachers. A bolt of electricity rushed through my body. It was as if I could sense the pain she was feeling as she fell. For a split second I lost the sensation of my legs. As I was coming down from the fall I felt like no one was going to catch me. I was in another world and then all of a sudden I felt the arms of the girls catching me.”
I look between my parents to see their reaction. Both of them are so focused on the words that are coming out of my mouth that I’m not sure if they comprehend everything that I’m saying.
“I watched the two of you walk away from the bleachers, but I had no idea what was going on. I mean, I felt something was wrong from the moment I spoke with Nana, the entire way to the game and even while I was on the track cheering. I guess it all didn’t make much sense until you called me later that night. After the game, I went to Brittani’s house like planned. I was a complete mess the entire time. Honestly, I don�
��t know why I even went. Looking back now I wish I hadn’t.”
I start to fumble with the ends of the blanket. What I’m about to tell them next is the whole reason I’ve dealt with the pain and hurt alone for so long.
I don’t know why, but I look to Loudon. I need him to reassure me that I’m going to be okay.
“Doll, you know you can tell us anything. We are here for you and I can promise you that I’m not going anywhere. Tell us what’s hurting you so we can help.”
I look into Loudon’s eyes and a small smile creeps across his face. I let go of my mom’s hand with one of mine and grab onto Loudon’s.
“Thank you,” I tell him.
“When you called my phone I walked out on the porch. I needed a break from all the screaming and craziness of the sleepover anyway. Hearing your words was nothing I ever expected or ever want to hear again.”
A tear drops from my eye and rolls down my cheek.
I try to take in a deep breath, but I can feel the pressure start to build in my chest.
I’m so scared.
I can feel the darkness pulling for me and the blood draining from my face.
Looking up at my mom, I can see that same fear in her eyes I saw that day in the kitchen.
“Zar, take a deep breath,” she says.
I shake my head…I can’t.
“Zar, look at me,” Loudon says.
I can’t, it’s as though my body is frozen.
I feel him pull my face to look at him.
His eyes, they are the most brilliant green. He starts to rub my back with one hand and the other hand is wrapped around mine. He’s tracing circles along my palm.
“Come on doll, take a deep breath and focus on us,” he says in the most soothing voice.
My body starts to relax and my heart begins beating at a slower pace. I have no idea how or why he has such a calming effect on me, but I am so glad he does.
Finally, I am able to take in a full breath and see clearly again. I need to keep going.
“After we disconnected the call I sat down on the front porch. I must have been out there a lot longer than I thought, because the entire cheering squad and middle school football team greeted me on the front lawn. I tried to calm myself down from the news you had just shared with me, but I was so overwhelmed.”
