by t. h. snyder
I look to my mom and she gestures for me to go find a seat.
I let my feet move me toward the back wall toward the couch and love seat.
“Why don’t we all take a seat and we can get started,” Dr. Reynolds says.
I choose to sit on the couch with mom and dad taking a seat on either side of me. The doctor sits on the love seat facing us and pulls out what looks like an iPad or some other type of electronic tablet.
“To get started, I’d just like to run through some of the reports I’ve received and review your background information,” he says, looking up from his tablet.
“Okay, yeah sure,” I respond.
My hands begin to twist on my lap and even though I know I’m ready, I’m still nervous as hell.
The next few minutes he asks me questions about my family, school and any social activities that I’m involved with outside of my typical home setting. I answer all of his questions as honestly as possible and feel proud of myself for not going into panic mode.
He sets the tablet on the table in front of us, leans forward with his elbows on his legs and laces his fingers together.
“Who do you trust?” He asks me, crossing his right leg over his left.
Hmm, that’s a question I’ve never really thought about before.
I look to either side of me to my parents. As if they will be able to answer the question for me, I roll my eyes.
“Zar,” Dr. Reynolds says.
“Hmm,” I reply.
Mom nudges me in the side and my head twists in her direction.
I quickly turn back toward Dr. Reynolds.
“Did you hear my question Zar?” He asks again, positioning himself back against the love seat.
“Yes, I’m sorry,” I reply.
“No need to be sorry Zar, you didn’t do anything wrong. So back to the question; who do you trust?”
I swallow hard and attempt to clear my throat.
“Well, to be honest…that isn’t a question I’ve thought about all that much.”
“Okay, that’s fair enough. Talk to me about the people that are closest to you and whom you would feel comfortable confiding in if you needed.”
Geez, he’s really hitting these questions head on. First off, I haven’t really trusted anyone since my Nana died and second, since before the hospital visit, I hadn’t confided in anyone since my Nana.
“Zar I understand that this may be a difficult time for you, this is a safe place to talk. In here I want you to feel comfortable to speak your mind. It’s the best way I can learn more about you and what I may be able to help you with moving forward.”
“I know and I want to talk and explain everything to you, it’s just….”
I begin to feel a bit antsy and need to get comfortable. I cross my legs and fold my hands in my lap. Looking down in my lap I begin to pull at a string hanging from the end of my shirt.
Before I can finish my thought, Dr. Reynolds jumps in to complete my sentence.
“Hard, difficult, confusing; I can go on and on Zar. I know that this is not easy, I get it, believe me I do. I’ve been working in this field for many years and I’ve seen a lot of teens come a long way by walking through my office doors. I’m here to help you understand the source of your panic attacks and the best ways you can release your pain without the fear of future health concerns. I received a full report from the hospital and I’ll say you are one lucky girl. Together. I know we can work through your struggles and come up with a plan that will help you cope and move on. Is that something you want Zar?”
I look up at him and into his silver eyes.
Nodding my head, I gesture to him that I do want to move forward. I want to live with less fear that a panic attack will take place at any given moment.
“Good, I’m glad to see that’s what you want. So tell me, who do you feel are the closest people to you in your life, whether it be at home, school or social setting?”
Taking in a deep breath, I close my eyes for a moment. Immediately the first person that comes to mind is Loudon.
“My boyfriend, Loudon,” I reply, as I open my eyes.
“Wonderful. How long have you been dating Loudon?” He asks.
“We met about two months ago I guess.”
“Did you meet him at school?”
“Umm no, he’s actually my future sister-in-law’s younger brother. We met at a family dinner to celebrate my brother Zeke and his sister Allie’s engagement.”
“Oh, I see.” Dr. Reynolds replies.
“Wow that sounds out of the norm, I suppose. But we actually ran into one another earlier that week at a pizzeria in his home town. I had gone up to Ames after the first day of school and he just so happened to be there with some of his friends. I didn’t know who he was at the time, but ironically it was the first time we saw one another.”
“How close are you and Loudon? Is he someone you would say you trust?”
I nod my head right away.
“Yes of course. I feel completely comfortable when I’m with Loudon. It’s as if he’s my safety net, waiting to catch me when I fall. There have been a few times that I thought a panic attack was going to take over, but when I’m with him my pain and fear seem to go away.”
“I’m glad to hear that you have someone like him in your life Zar. Does he know about your attacks and what has been transpiring for the past few years?” He asks.
“Yes he does. I spoke to him at the same time I told my parents.”
“How did he take it? I mean, hearing about the problems you’ve had in the past?”
“He wants to be here for me to, help me get through my struggles. He’s been an amazing part of my life in just the short time that we’ve known each other. I feel quite connected to him and know that I have one true friend for life.”
“Perhaps a few sessions from now he could come in and join us. I’d like to meet him and if he’s willing to help you I want to make sure he’s aware of some of the coping methods we will be working with.”
“That’s fine; I’ll mention it to him.”
“Thank you, Zar,” he says with a smile.
I return his smile and feel mom’s hand come up to grab mine.
“We may have only spoken for a brief hour today, but I believe that with the support you have, you will get through this. I’d like to see you again twice next week and suggest that you start a journal to track your emotions morning, afternoon and before bed. Please bring this with you to each appointment so that we can track your progress together.”
“Yes, of course. Thank you,” I say.
“It was a pleasure meeting with the three of you today and I’ll look forward to seeing you next week.”
We all stand and follow as Dr. Reynolds leads us to the door. I walk between my parents, and before stepping through the doorway, turn to shake the doctor’s hand.
Before leaving the office I schedule two appointments for next week, one on Wednesday and the other on Friday. I don’t want to plan anything on Tuesday or Thursday in case Loudon and I have a study session.
The ride home is quiet and I don’t expect that mom and dad will push asking a lot of questions. This is all a new experience for me and I know that in time it will be easier to talk about things, just not now…not yet.
Once we get home and dad pulls the car into the garage, I hop out and head inside. With my stomach growling I start to look through the fridge for something to eat. I pull out some lunch meat, cheese and veggies.
“What are you fixing up there kiddo, I’m starving?” Dad says coming up behind me to see what’s in my arms.
“Oh.” I giggle, yes me…giggle, “I was going to make a sandwich; you want one too?” I ask setting the food on the counter.
“Yeah sure, real quick though. I need to get changed and head into the hospital. I have a few surgeries this afternoon and then I have to make my rounds,” he says taking a seat at the breakfast bar.
I look around to see where mom went.
> She comes walking into the kitchen with an arm full of laundry.
“There you are; do you want a sandwich too?” I ask as she walks past me and into the hallway toward the laundry room.
“That would be great,” she hollers.
Dad takes over and starts to make our sandwiches and I grab each of us a bottle of water from the refrigerator.
Mom comes out of the laundry room and walks down the hallway.
“Lunch is served,” dad says.
“Great, thanks you two. I needed to get the guest room sheets freshened up for Zeke and Allie since they are spending the weekend.”
I look up from my plate and toward my mom.
“How come?” I ask
“Well they’re having stuff done at the house and we want to go through the last minute details for the engagement party next weekend. I figured it would be easier and we do live in between their house and the Clarke’s. It just made sense.”
“Okay,” I reply.
“Do you have plans with Loudon tonight or tomorrow?” She asks.
“Oh shit, I was supposed to text him when we got out of the doctor’s office. I’m not sure what’s going on yet, but I’m sure I’ll see him sometime this weekend.”
I take a bite of my sandwich and watch as my parents communicate with their facial expressions.
“Umm, hello. I’m right here. If you want to talk, just do it,” I say.
“We just don’t want to pry. You’ve gone through a lot lately and I’m more than grateful that you have Loudon. We just don’t want to see you get too attached or hurt.”
“I’m fine, mom. I never thought I’d feel this close with anyone like I do with him. I can be myself with him and he doesn’t judge me. I honestly think that is what drew me to him from the start.”
“If you’re happy then we’ll be happy too,” she says, putting her arm around me and pulling me into her side.
“I am happy. I know going back to school next week won’t be easy, but I’m ready for it. I have a lot of choices to make and a few changes that need to happen for me to break free. I’ll just take it day by day and see what happens. It’s my senior year, if I’ve made it this far I can make it until the end.”
All I need to do is keep telling myself that and it will all be okay, it has to be.
A ringing sound pulls me from my sleep. Feeling a bit groggy, I don’t want to open my eyes quite yet, instead I search around the bed for my phone. Grabbing it, I slide my finger across the bottom of the screen and bring it to my ear.
“Hello,” I say, placing my head back down on my pillow.
“Hey, doll,” he says.
The sound of his voice perks me right up and my eyes fly open.
“Hey, Loudon,” I reply, sitting up on my bed.
It’s almost impossible for me not to smile.
“Did I wake you up sleepy head?” He asks.
“Yeah, but it’s okay. I guess I fell asleep. After we got home from Dr. Reynolds’ office, I ate lunch with mom and dad and then came up to my room to read,” I explain with a yawn.
“Couldn’t have been anything too good then, huh?” He says with a laugh.
“Nope, just some last minute stuff I needed to catch up on. Luckily, I got the rest of this week’s homework all done. I just wanted to get a bit ahead for next week,” I reply.
“Well now that you’re all rested, are you up for some company tonight or would you rather get out of town and come up here?” He asks.
I really could care less what we do as long as I get to see him.
“I think your parents are coming down here tomorrow to go over some last minute engagement party details with Zeke and Allie. Why don’t I come up to you tonight? It will be nice to get out a bit and see a change of scenery. You can be my tour guide and show me around Ames.”
“Ok, cool. When do you think you’ll make it up here? I’m just on my way to the track for practice.”
I pull my phone from my ear and look at the clock on my screen.
“It’s almost three now so it will probably be around five by the time I get to your house.”
“Ok sounds good, we can just meet at my house and then go grab something to eat.”
”Perfect, I’ll see you soon,” I tell him, feeling more excited than I’ve been in a long time.
“See ya soon, Zar,” he says and disconnects the call.
I touch the end button and toss my phone on my bed. Throwing myself back down on my bed I grab my pillow and let out a scream. I can’t believe I have such a great guy in my life. I won’t second guess him or us, but at times it feels as if none of this is real.
I pull the pillow from my face and lay it down next to me on the bed. I only have two hours to get ready and meet Loudon at his house. I seriously need to get moving.
Hmmm, what the hell should I wear tonight?
Shit, dating involves a lot more thought than I’m used to. I never really took too much time trying to get myself ready for anyone else other than me. I mean, I did dress up for the first time Loudon came over, well and maybe for the football game. I just want to look good…no I want to look pretty. I want him to look at me and smile.
Getting up and out of my bed I walk toward the closest. En route, I glance in the mirror attached to my dark wooden dresser. My hair is a rat’s nest in the back and my shirt is all scrunched up.
Shit, I definitely need to change.
I pull my shirt up over my head and pull my jeans down and I kick them off of my legs.
Rummaging through the clothes hanging in my closet, I pull out a cream and black colored three-quarter sleeve top and a black pair of leggings. I bend down and scoop up my wedge boots and make my way toward my bathroom.
I toss the clothes on the counter and take a quick shower. I don’t have too much time to mess around, but I want to look and smell good. Nothing like waking up from a quick nap and heading out the door to meet your boyfriend.
The hot water feels good against my skin and the smell of my shampoo brings my senses to life. Once I’ve washed and rinsed I shut off the water and reach toward the wall rack for my towels. Stepping out I quickly glance at my phone and see that I only have an hour and a half until I need to meet Loudon.
I pull on my robe and go to town drying my hair, applying my makeup and getting dressed.
Before walking out of the bathroom I give myself one last look, run my fingers through my long hair and straighten out my shirt.
Perfect! All set to meet my guy.
I grab up my messenger tote, shut my bedroom door and walk down the stairs.
I hit the last step and can hear the television on downstairs. I walk toward the kitchen and see mom making up some snacks.
“Hey, Zar. Are you hungry?” She says looking up at me.
“No thanks, mom, I’m actually going to head to Loudon’s tonight. We’re going to grab some dinner together and he’s gonna show me around Ames a bit.”
“Sounds great. Allie and Zeke will be over after work so I’m just fixing up some snacks for later. Zoe and the girls are downstairs and planning on a sleepover for the night. So if you need anything, we’ll all be here.”
“I’ll be good,” I reply with a smile.
“I know you will sweetie, tell Loudon we say hello,” she replies with a smile of her own.
I walk over to the counter and lean over to give her a hug.
“Thank you for everything mom, I’ll be sure to tell him.”
She sets down the knife and cheese and wraps her arms around me.
“If this boy keeps that smile on your face, we’ll need to continue to have him around more often.”
A giggle slips past my lips and she pulls herself away from me.
“Especially if I get to hear you laugh. You have no idea how good it makes me feel to hear and see you like this sweetheart. I know the past is the past and it’s behind us now, but Zar, moving forward I want to see this girl, the one standing in front of me more often. No matter what
struggles you face, I want to help you get through them.”
A tear falls from her face and I can feel my heart ache for her sadness.
“I know mom and I agree it is in the past, but there’s going to be a lot of hard times ahead. No matter how strong I want to be, there will still be moments of weakness. The good news is that I have my family and Loudon to help me through it now.”
“That’s right sweetie, don’t ever forget that,” she says, pulling me in for another hug.
This moment, right here, is a breakthrough for her and I. I’ve never doubted the love my mother feels for me, but something just seems different. It’s as though she can see and feel the pain. I know, as a parent, she will do whatever she can to make it go away, but this moment has truly bonded us.
She releases me from her embrace and we can both see the emotion and tenderness this has caused. Mom moves her hand to wipe away my tears and then does the same for herself.
“Well now look, I messed you all up for your night with Loudon. Let’s get you in the bathroom and clean up your face. I don’t want you going over there looking like you’ve been crying.”
“It’s okay, mom, I’ll get it. I can guarantee I’ll be crying a lot more. It comes with the emotional territory that surrounds my life. The good thing is that they are mostly happy tears now and not tears of sadness anymore. Thank you for being here, I love you.”
“I love you, too, Zar.”
I walk out of the kitchen and into the bathroom. Looking into mirror I can see the tears that have caused my mascara to run down my face. I grab a wipe and clean off my face. I don’t mind these tears, like I told mom…they’re happy tears now.
Throwing the wipe in the trash I leave the bathroom and head back out towards the kitchen.
“I’ll see you later tonightm mom,” I say as I walk past her.
“Have fun,” she replies.
I speed walk through the hallway into the garage. I’m more than anxious to get to Ames and it’s not just for the different scenery.
I shut the hallway door into the garage and hit the button for my bay door to open.
I hop into my bug. Ahh, it feels good to be in my car again. I haven’t driven myself around for the past few days and there’s just something about being behind the wheel that gives me a sense of control. I plug in my phone and set my music to play while I’m on the road.
