by Declan Finn
[Hayden 1 and 2] NAAAHHHH.
[DG] This Renaissance guy … Blown up fighting terrorists during a civil war ... prison chaplain... how can he possibly know about my lifestyle!
[TNH shakes her head] Enough. Someone get me a report on the SWATting attempts! Tell me something's gone right!
GK “Elf Mistress” Masterson
Madam Masterson commented to some of her people that she wasn't interesting enough to SWAT.
I told her I take requests
[Deep in Mississippi, a SWAT team wanders up to a small castle out of World of Warcraft. The SWAT leader frowns] We may need a bigger battering ram.
[A small BOOM comes from the other side. The SWAT team double-times it around the wall. There is the Elf Mistress, GK Masterson, firing away at several targets, duel-wielding crossbows. The first two shots hit dead center. The third shot blows up a target]
[SWAT leader] You Masterson?
[GKM looks over her shoulder with bright blue eyes, and brushes blonde hair from her face with a crossbow point.] No, I'm the other mistress of the house. What do you think?
[SWAT leader] We were called with reports of gunfire?
[GKM rolls her eyes and holds up the crossbows] Do these LOOK like guns to you?
[SWAT leader hesitates] Um ...
[GKM] Seriously, now, all I'm trying to do is put together a chapter where I hotwire an airplane, create an antidote with obscure plant-based materials to cure a poison made with obscure plant-based materials, and this helps me relax. Do you know what it takes to hot wire a plane? Let me tell you--
[SWAT guys listen for a few minutes. One starts taking notes. 30 minutes later, they all are.]
[GKM] -- and that's how I want to make exploding shotgun pellets out of RDX crystals! When I figure out how to do that, I'll give you guys a call. Tomorrow, I think.
[SWAT leader nods] We'll see you then. Without the hardware.
[GKM] Bring the hardware. I'll show you how to improve it. I had a delivery from Mad Mike today. [GKM looks around the corner of her castle into the back yard.] Thanks for the drop-off Tom.
[There is a TARDIS-blue Abrams, with His Tankness, Tom Knighton, waving back before he pops into the hatch.]
Cedar “The Busty Redhead"” Sanderson
[SWAT team pulls up to nice quiet little house. SWAT team charges at the door. They charge in.]
[A man in full medieval knight's armor crashes into them while carrying a hand-and-a-half sword in one hand, and a morning star in the other. The knight sits up and raises visor. It is Sanford Begley] Can I help you people?
[SWAT leader] We heard reports of gunfire?
[Sanford] Oh, that may be Cedar. Follow me.
[Cedar Sanderson is in the kitchen, baking up a storm, wearing an apron that says "Fried Liberals anyone?" SWAT stares, stunned. Also red haired. She turns and smiles, beaming, and blinding them like a flash-bang] Awesome! I need more taste testers. And maybe you can tell me why I've been blocked lately...
THREE DAYS LATER
[SWAT team leaves house, waddling away. Their body armor stretches everywhere. Cedar is at the door, taking off a new apron, that reads: Kiss the Cook (I won't yell Rape)] Thanks guys. Not blocked anymore! Come back anytime. I have three new recipes to try out, including Dwarf Bread by Rich Evans!
[LOUD RUMBLING NOISES on approach. Ground shakes. Noise like thunder rattles trees and windows. The TARDIS-blue M1A2 Abrams tries braking. The tank sideswipes the SWAT team, sending them all bouncing away like rubber balls]
[Tom Knighton looks out from the tank] Hey Cedar, I got more supplies for you. Including the tears of John Scalzi and unicorn steaks left over from when Larry made that blanket for his bed.
[CS] AWESOME! Come with me Tom! To the kitchen!
[Knighton looks at his waistline, then at the diameter of the tank hatch] Thank God this is a TARDIS model. I need to fit back in here.
MORRIGAN SANDERS
[SWAT team charges house. Door opens before they get to it. There is Morrigan Sanders. She is utterly adorable, in all black, with retainer in mouth. SWAT team stops] Awwwww.
[SWAT leader looks at MS, and the pink AR-15 on the wall behind her. Looks at her, the gun, then her again. And decides not to comment.]
[MS smiles. Raises her hands] UNLEASH THE PUPPIES.
[Suddenly, a flood of puppies come out of nowhere, burying the SWAT team under a dogpile of cute and cuddly furballs, licking and nipping at the SWAT team]
[MS pouts prettily, opens her cell phone] Daaadd, the puppies are just kinda licking them.
[Michael Z. "Mad Mike" Williamson laughs at the other end of the phone] Don't hurt them too bad, they're the ones being jerked around with the 911 calls.
[MS] Oh, okay. Thanks dad. I'm off to do another photo shoot with the pink M-16! Then off to classes!
[MZW] Okay, dear.
[MS closes phone and skips past the puppy pile, humming March of Cambreadth].
[SWAT leader] Um, guys, I'm allergic to dogs.
[SWAT #2] Tough it out.
[SWAT #3] Epi pen deploying in 3... 2... 1...
Puppies with Teeth
Introduction
This one is a little complicated, and will come with plenty of footnotes.
Also, this contains a few requested / suggested SWATs.
And Jim Butcher.
Also into this enters Peter Grant, of Bayou Renaissance Man, who has even written a few posts of his own on this series. Basically, he's a guy who even Larry Correia respects. Grant is also leading a boycott of Tor, especially after Irene Gallo's comments a few weeks ago. He basically wants a real, public, apology from Tor … while on the other hand, some just want Irene Gallo fired.
Anyway, once again, this is parody. I'm just making fun of a lot of the stupid. I'm not taking any of this seriously, and neither should you. If you do take this seriously, you need to lighten up. To my knowledge, none of these people mentioned in this series have ever been SWATted.
Fun fact, though: I've posted a link or two at a blog that has chronicled these posts. The replies to those links have made it clear to me that some idiots have seen these blogs as death threats. Yes, you read that right, "Sad Puppies Bite Back" is considered a series of death threats, according to some of the Puppy Kickers. Even though the original premise of SWATting is about attempted assassination by SWAT team, and even though the targets are all Sad Puppies, the Puppy Kickers are the abused party. Remember that.
No wonder some people I know want to rename them the Angry Pussies.
Also, when I TWEETED that fun fact, said blog replied that I am a man of "great simplicity of mind." Having read his comments section ... seriously, buddy, don't go there.
Anyway, time to once again UNLEASH THE PUPPIES.
Peter “Renaissance Man” Grant
Dorothy “Earhart” Grant
Sigh. Seriously. This guy's about as threatening as Brad Torgersen.
And yes, she is a pilot.
[SWAT team pulls up to a house on the bayou. Peter Grant sits off to one side, painting a sunrise over the ocean. The SWAT team unloads casually.] Peter Grant?
[The painter looks up and smiles broadly] Let me guess, 911 call? Man with a gun?
[SWAT #1 nods] Yes sir. But a few guys at the station know you were a prison chaplain, so we took it with a grain of salt.
[PG] Should have taken it with tequila. Goes better with the salt. As for the call, I wondered when they would get around to me, especially after I started my Tor boycott.
[PG slowly rises from the easel, heads inside with a heavy limp] Follow me inside. Got something I want to show you fellas.
[SWAT #1 follows. The inside of the house has a ceiling that looks like the Sistine chapel. The walls are made of marble, painted with frescoes. In the front corner of the house is a shrine. Then there's a gun rack. PG himself is heading towards a computer station next to the guns]
[SWAT #1] Nice weapon collection.
[PG laughs] It's Tennessee. Are we a
llowed residence without an arsenal?
[SWAT #1 nods] True
[PG boots up computer] Excuse the mess.
[SWAT #1 looks down. There are neatly stacked books on the coffee table, ranging from theology and philosophy to mechanical engineering.] Not a problem.
[PG taps the computer a few times] That's what I thought. See, you're one part of a number of SWATting incidents of authors. I used to be in IT, and John Ringo has some fans in the NSA who keep reading his books, so he's sicced them on it, too. Give it about two or three more phone calls, and we'll have the guy.
[Sound of an engine comes in, Puddle jumper lands next to the house. PG smiles] Could be worse, it could be Tom Knighton's tank.
[Dorothy Grant is heard outside, offering lemonade to all the SWAT guys, who politely decline. She enters the front] Peter? We're entertaining guests?
[PG grins] We've been SWATted.
[She nods] Any idea by whom?
[PG] At a guess? The usual suspect.
[DG] Well, just bless. His. Heart.
[Both men cringe at the most threatening insult in all of the South. PG continues] Apparently, there's another phone call going out from the phone. Give it another two calls, you'll have the sucker.
[SWAT #1 nods] Thank you, sir, we'll keep track, and get back to you if there is anything.
[SWAT leaves. Dorothy hugs. Peter. They watch SWAT drive off, and they wave goodbye]
[DG] Everything went well?
[PG] Yup. And if it didn't, we've got the automated turrets, just in case they came in shooting.
[DG] So, who's the next person being SWATted?
[PG shrugs] I have no idea. The burner phone wasn't calling 911 this time. The outgoing call was to another country.
[DG] Really? Why?
[PG] No idea. I don't even know why this guy would call Australia.
Peter Grant is also the name of Led Zeppelin's manager, so researching Mr. Grant was fun.
As for Australia, read on.
RK “Shadowdancer"” Modena
I am told that SWATting doesn't work in Australia.
However,
Madam Modena has pissed off a few Islamofascists....
[In the outback of Australia, a pleasant little house in the middle of nowhere. A car quietly pulls up to the house, and everyone in it disembarks quietly. Back door is kicked in. Multiple men in balaclavas storm in, AK-47s at the ready. Instead of a hallway, they find themselves in a small pantry, leading to a kitchen. The first intruder is nailed with three kitchen knives to the chest and staggers back.] She's armed!
[RK "Shadowdancer" Modena is at her kitchen counter, quickly running out of knives from the block. She is a petite 4'8." Her hair is long and black, and she shoves it out of her eyes and readjusts her librarian glasses. In her right hand, there is a frying pan] Don't startle me like that!
[RKM blinks and realizes that these are intruders, not cops or house guests.] Not again!
[The intruders get off shots. They are deflected by the frying pan. The frying pan then crashes into the forehead of one invader. RKM reaches down for the knife labeled "Turkey carver." It is a katana. The next intruder is hit with a bottle of Carolina Reapers in olive oil -- basically like being hit with pepper spray that never comes off. He is then nailed with two hair pins through the kneecaps] So there!
[The next attackers come in, see the sword in her hand, and the sharp objects that line every last square inch of the kitchen walls.] Oh. Crap.
[RKM smiles. Screaming begins in the kitchen]
[Meanwhile, the front door crashes in. More men in ski masks. The first one is dropped by a server to the face. Yes, a computer server. A blogger in Melbourne experiences a momentary blip on his site as he tries to upload new cat photos. The second one faces down a Remington 700, wielded by Rhys "Iron Man" Modena] G'day mate.
[The man with the computer service, dressed immaculately in a shirt and tie, continues to wail away at the other invaders. ]
[Rhys gestures at the front room, which has enough weapons parts to satisfy Tony Stark and Michael Z. Williamson, combined with a server farm] Did you ever think you shouldn't invade an armorer's house? Especially one who competes at army shooting ranges?
[Sounds of violence and grunts of pain come from the kitchen. The cries of despair are all male. Rhys shrugs] She's short, but she's vicious. You're just lucky the kids aren't in the house tonight. So, some of your guys might make it out alive.
[Female scream of rage. Male screams of terror] Why [grunt] won't [grunt] you [grunt] just [grunt] f^(kin' [grunt] die, [grunt] you miserable [grunt] f^(ks!
{Rhys shrugs] Or not. So, which one are you? Puppy Kicker? Islamofascist? General psychos?
[Ski mask #2 thinks a moment. Rears back] Allahu ak--
[Rhys rams rifle into his face] Allahu chocolate bar. At least it answers that question. [Rolls eyes.] They never learn. Time to see what's cooking.
[Rhys strolls calmly into kitchen. The bodies on the floor are crumpled in various stages of "oh my God don't put that there!"and "it doesn't bend that way!" RKM stands in the middle of the chaos, katana in one hand, bloody chopsticks in the other. Her hair dangles around her face like a curtain. Fresh blood still drips from the katana. The door bursts in behind her again. More men with guns are leveled and at the ready. RKM looks over her shoulder at them, tightens her grip on the sword.]
[SWAT #1] Stand down, boys. The shots fired are all over now. We missed all the fun. [Sighs] Again.
[SWAT #2] Again? Aw man! This house has all the fun...
[RKM pants a little. Takes a deep breath. Looks around.] Are you men going to make yourself useful, or do I have to clean all of this up myself?
[SWAT puts away guns, grabs the nearest mops, starts cleaning up the mess]
If the image of the carnage in the kitchen sounds familiar,
Madam Modena at one point used the words "River Tam."
Brad “Music Man” Johnson
This one is mostly taken from Brad himself.
That'll teach him. ;)
[SWAT crashes in the front door. Brad is reclining on his couch, dressed in a black V necked t-shirt, camo patterned cargo pants, and a black cowboy hat that may or may not be permanently grafted to his head. Loud rock music is playing from the nearby speakers.]
[SWAT Leader] GO GO GO
[Brad turns volume up] Will you guys knock it off? I love this song.
[SWAT Leader] We got a report that there was a maniac threatening people with a gun here.
[Brad points to his right] Dude, my cousin lives in that house, and he owes me money. [Points left] And my best friend lives in that house, and he's got more guns than me. As for the rest of the idiots who live out here, if I was going to shoot them, I wouldn't wave the gun around first, I'd just shoot them. And I admit, I have given it some thought.
[Swat Leader] Okay, I guess we're done he---
[Brad] Since you guys are here, sit down. I think you'll love this band. You see they started out as two completely different bands back in the late seventies and in 1980 they combined after the first one fired their lead singer...
[Seven hours, and an extended history of the band and their particular brand of heavy metal/prog rock later]
[Brad] ...and that's how they ended up releasing this album, even though they said that they were done ten years before. Hey, you guys alright? So anyway, next up: Phoenix Down. Interesting story behind this band. The lead singer, Kane Roberts, started out as Alice Cooper's lead guitarist back in...
[The whole SWAT team has fallen into a coma from a rapid over intake of music information]
Jim “The Wizard” Butcher
Jim is one of the Hugo nominees, not necessarily a Puppy. But, Irene Gallo labeled him one of the "bad to reprehensible" authors nominated, so ....
This puppy has teeth.
[SWAT team takes the door. They sweep into a living room that is one massive D&D RPG game session. They hesitate. In a matter of seconds, they are all disarmed
. Butcher stands there, a pile of their guns at his feet] Oh, sorry, guys, you shouldn't have done that. Yeah, sorry, reflex. You want to come in?
[SWAT looks bemused. There are swords everywhere. The gamers are in full CosPlay dress. There are no guns, but plenty of blasting rods. One of the players shouts FEUGO. Swat #1 reflexively reaches for his sidearm, and finds it gone too] We had a report of gunshots here?
[JB frowns, confused] No idea. We've been playing nonstop for hours -- is it still Sunday?
