by Declan Finn
Doctor Chuck Tingle
New York City: The Village
[SWAT team takes door of an aging brownstone. There are two little old ladies at dual writing desks.]
[Old Lady #1 looks up] Oh look, Martha, company!
[Old Lady #2 beams] Oh know, Abby! Isn't it wonderful?
[SWAT #1] We were told there would be a Chuck Tingle here? He writes ... erotica?
[Old Lady #1] No, no one here by that name. But we write ....
[Old Lady #2 interjects] Modern romances.
[Old Lady #1 nods] Yes. That's it. Modern romances. That's all.
[SWAT #1 grimaces, backs away slowly]
LA: Chinatown
[SWAT takes the door of an old building ... and find a sweatshop making gimp suits]
[SWAT #1 growls at the iPhone in his hand] Stupid Tor Browser. Gah!
San Francisco
[SWAT takes the door of a picture postcard house. They swarm the living room. They are greeted with the image of several burly men in raptor masks, in leather space suit tops, but nude below the waste.]
[Doctor Chuck Tingle strides into the room, quite naked, looks at the cops and smiles.] Someone ordered in? Awesome! Did you bring handcuffs?
[SWAT leader turns to the team] X-out on this one guys. You go back to base. I'm going to .... follow up here.
[SWAT leader calls in sick for the next week. Six days later, Chuck Tingle comes out with yet another book: SWATted up the Butt by my Hugo Nomination.]
Hell is SWATting Other People
Introduction
Brian Niemeier was nominated for the John W. Campbell award for best first novel. Brian was crushed by Andy Weir and The Martian, but Weir was the 800 pound gorilla in the room.
Brian's work, Nethereal, was “Space Pirates go to Hell.”
His book Souldancer won the Dragon Award for best horror novel.
Given everything that I've mentioned about a portal going to Hell, this particular SWATting has a rather direction conclusion
Chicago
[SWAT team crashes through the door. The floor opens up into a portal that drops directly into Hell. There are flames, there is torment, screaming, wailing and gnashing of teeth.]
[Off to the side, Irene Gallo holds a fruit drink with an umbrella] Hey, guys. Welcome aboard.
[Back up above, in the real world Brian Niemeier walks downstairs, cup of coffee in his hand. He sees the open portal to Hell and groans.] Not again. Third freaking time this week.
Epilogue
Enter: The Dragon
Tor Offices, NYC
[Moshe Feder slinks into the office. He looks around the place, then slips off the hunch and takes off the geasy wig. In a crystal clear voice, he says] Thank God, everyone's gone for the day.
[Moshe walks over to his desk, and calls up the internet, looking for news from WorldCon. He blinks at the news that David Truesdale was evicted from the convention, claiming that he abused his position as a moderator, causing undue stress to everyone in the room] Funny. That doesn't sound like Dave.
[He clicks around to Truesdale's site. Plays an audio where Truesdale talks for five minutes about how politics has infected short stories, then he is yelled down by special snowflakes in the audience] This is BULLCRAP.
[Moshe gets up and starts walking] But people I know are spreading this. They're continuing to lie even after he's released the audio. Heck, some of the lies only started after the video was released! How could that be possible? What the heck is going on? Could the Puppies have had a point? If that's true, I can't even imagine what that means … could … could my entire life be a lie? I come in, they force me to wear this hump and the wig, and make me talk like Quasimodo, and for what?
[Moshe, upset, goes back to the computer, moves onto the next topic in the news cue.] Hmm, the Dragon Awards had a large percentage of independent and small press books? As well as Puppy related novels? Nah, they can't be that representative of fandom. DragonCon has only 90,000 members. They can't be more representative than WorldCon and their … four thousand members. Something must be up. The Puppies must have rigged this! How dare they!
[Moshe gets up, puts on his hump and his wig, and in his Quasimodo voice, bellows] VOOOOXXXXX DDDAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!
[Moshe walks to the door, and turns off the lights.]
The End, At Last.
I would like to thank all of the following for their support in the creation of Sad Puppies Bite Back, this joke that grew out of control. Truly, the entire history of my writing career can be summed up as "It spiraled." I've never had so many requests for the continuation of a series like I've had with this. It's been a fun, fun ride.
Thanks go to Vanessa Landry, Matthew Bowman, Tom Kratman and John C. Wright (for their corrections), as well as Kate Paulk and Brad Torgersen (for some support when I asked them questions), and Marina Fontaine (especially for A WorldCon Carol). I'd also like to thank those who helped participate in their own SWATting, such as Cedar, Brad Johnson, His Tankness, Dorothy Grant and Rory "Shadowdancer" Modena.
Also, for those of you who want to put me up for a Hugo nomination, thanks. I'll take it. Right now, I'd be flattered if I only ever got as far as a Sad Puppy nom. Though to be honest, if I got a Hugo nomination, I'd consider going just to see the comedy value.
Afterwards.
Again, I want to thank all of the people who have made these go over so well, including Tom Kratman, Sarah Hoyt, Brad Torgersen, Tom Knighton, Margot St. Aubin, everyone who has shared this throughout the net, everyone who offered suggestions, and even those who asked to be part of it. I'm honored, touched, and a bit surprised that something that started as a "fever dream" had been suggested (seriously) for a Hugo.
For the record, some of these stories had links. There were a lot of links in this, in order to explain the inside baseball that went on here.
Peter and Dorothy Grant are good, solid people. The blog can be found at BayouRenaissanceMan.blogspot.com
John C. Wright's original blog post with some of the names is “The Evil League of Evil is Given Pious Advice.”
The original Vox piece is called “Burning Down the House.”
Larry's page can be found at MonsterHunterNation.com – as opposed to the video game Monster Hunter. The implication that Arthur Chu is behind bomb threats can be found at his blog post “Arthur Chu sucks at everything but Jeopardy.” K. Tempest Bradford's ban on white straight male authors can be found at his post “Social Justice Warrior Racist reading challenge.”
The implication that someone knew about the Hugo results beforehand came from the fact that someone declared that, well, the Sad Puppies were winning before the results were even announced. So, duh.
Sarah A. Hoyt can be found at Accordingtohoyt.com
Cedar Sanderson can be found at Cedarwrites.com, and “Killing everyone in the room” can be found at Sarah's blog, the title is “Keep Calm and Have a Plan.”
Brad Torgersen's blog is at BradRTorgersen.wordpress.com. Of particular interest, his article “Sad Puppies: We Are Not Rabid Puppies.”
His Tankness can be found at TLKnighton.com, as well as EveryJoe.com
Ringo can be found at JohnRingo.net
Tom Kratman is easily found at TomKratman.com
The Impaler can be found at KatePaulk.com
Vox can be found at Voxday.blogspot.com, and he has a few blogs that inform his part of the sitution with his Rabid Puppies, including “Patience is a Strategic Virtue.”
The bit with the Puppy Kickers is explained in the Mad Genius Club (Madgeniusclub.com, 2015/05/25, “Making a living, and things that may interfere with it)
What's with Arthur Chu? There's Reaxxion.com's article of May 5th, 2015. The article? “Anti-Gamergate Harasser Arthur Chu Outed as Creepy Sex Fiend.” No comment.
About the Author:
Declan Finn lives in a part of New York City unreachable by bus or subway. Who’s Who has no record of him, his family, or his education. He has been trained in hand to hand combat and wea
pons at the most elite schools in Long Island, and figured out nine ways to kill with a pen when he was only fifteen. He escaped a free man from Fordham University’s PhD program, and has been on the run ever since. There was a brief incident where he was branded a terrorist, but only a court order can unseal those records, and really, why would you want to know?
He can be contacted at [email protected]
Follow him on Facebook and Twitter @APiusManNovel
Read his personal blog: http://apiusmannovel.blogspot.com
Listen to his podcast, The Catholic Geek, on Blog Talk Radio, Sunday evenings at 7:00 pm EST
Table of Contents
Introduction
SWATting the Puppies
Sarah Hoyt, Evil Yet Beautiful Space Princess
BRAD TORGERSEN, SOFT AND CUDDLY SKELETOR
TOM KRATMAN: GRAND STRATEGIKON
JOHN “SHIVA” RINGO
DAVID WEBER, LORD OF THE MISSILE BARRAGES
TOM “His Tankness” KNIGHTON
MATT BOWMAN, THE NOVEL NINJA
The Puppy KickersLocation: Top Secret Safe Zone
Putting Down the Puppies
Introduction to Minions of the Puppy Kickers.
Minions of the Puppy KickersTOR OFFICES, NEW YORK CITY
SHERRY “Spartan I”ANTONETTI
Michael Z. “Mad Mike” Williamson
PS: Good Night IreneOUTSIDE TOR OFFICES,NEW YORK CITY
SWATting the Wrong PuppiesMARGOT ST. AUBINIndiana
X Marks the Spot
MEANWHILE, AT TOR
GK “Elf Mistress” Masterson
Cedar “The Busty Redhead"” Sanderson
MORRIGAN SANDERS
Puppies with TeethIntroduction
Peter “Renaissance Man” GrantDorothy “Earhart” Grant
RK “Shadowdancer"” Modena
Brad “Music Man” Johnson
Jim “The Wizard” Butcher
Andrew Marston of MarshfieldAKA: Clamps, AKA AlaudaAKA Yamamanama
Passion of the Puppy KickerLogan County, West Virginia
Back in Australia
A WorldCon CarolFirst Spirit
The Spaying SeasonTop Secret Safe Zone
The Puppies of WorldConWilliam "The Morrigan" Lehman
James "Shrapnel" Schardt
Kate Paulk, The Impaler
KATE "THE IMPALER" PAULKROUND TWO
John C. Wright"The Brain"
Penny "“Kitteh Dragon” Redford
Jonathan "Gunny Mormon" LaForceLogan, Utah
Meanwhile, over in Iraq.
WORLDCON, SPOKANE WASHINGTON
VOX DAY, SUPREME DARK LORD OF DARKNESS, MANAGER OF THE ABYSS
WORLDCON
Bite Harder
2016Sad Puppies 4
A Puppy Wins a Hugo
Introduction
Moira "Modred" Greyland
Introduction to: Tingling Sensation
Doctor Chuck TingleNew York City: The Village
Hell is SWATting Other PeopleIntroduction
Chicago
