by David Hearne
She could recall that she reached to stop something, to stop them, but all she grabbed was a foggy, misty haze. Her stomach roiled with that memory, and suddenly she vomited pulling herself out of the nightmare. Her skin glistened with sweat, and strings of vomit hung from her chin and nose, but she was awake and alive. And now those haunting visions evaporated into nothing.
The night exploded with the sound of sirens and the distant chattering of anti aircraft on the outskirts of Baghdad. Senator Laforge awoke with a jolt, as a strange feeling crept through her consciousness. She sat up in bed, oblivious to the vomit and watched the barrage of anti aircraft guns from the safety of her hospital bed. As the tracers sliced through the sky, like the lightening on the night of the accident, something awoke deep in her mind illuminating it with the same brilliance as the bright flashes from the explosions on the out skirts of Baghdad.
Parts of her dream bubbled to the surface of her consciousness, and she suddenly remembered who she was. She felt awakened, with sights and thoughts surging to the surface, as the synapses deep in her brain flickered crazily, unloading their hidden secrets into her consciousness. Like tiny explosions, the memories of her accident blasted into her mind. The confusion in her mind was quickly replaced with a myriad of questions and emotions. Her consciousness reeled with the reality of who she really was.
The darkness of her confusion gave way to a new dawn. She relived the fear she felt as she was tossed about in the limousine and the shock of Qusay’s 300-pound bodyguard smashing into her stomach as the vehicle tumbled about. The impact of this large man was so powerful that it ejected the semtex from her like a ribbon of toothpaste being shot from a tube. The rope of semtex flung about within the passenger’s compartment like a three foot long deadly snake. She remembered being dragged from the limousine by frantic Fedayeen guards, and the tremendous confusion outside, as they rushed her to safety. Then the limousine exploded, blasting her with debris and the tremendous heat of the detonation.
The fan’s cool air chilled her as she sat on crisp white sheets, staring into the dark night. She felt total awe of what was appearing in her mind. She was not Senator Laforge. She was ComdefC1. She was a clone.
But why was she still alive? She remembered she was to think of herself as a 3D apparition, a specter, or an extension of the “real” Senator. In fact she had witnessed her destruction many times over, as they had experimented with various permutations of her creation. Her memories and thoughts were like a veritable howling maelstrom in her brain. She remembered that she was given only a 72-hour window of time to accomplish her mission. Within 72 hours from the time, she landed in Baghdad; she was to assassinate Saddam Hussein and any others that were around him, when she detonated the semtex hidden deep within her. She was a walking time bomb, much like the insane religious fanatics that strap explosives to them selves and kill unsuspecting women and children. ComDefC1 was the CIA’s ultimate Manchurian Candidate, an assassin with unprecedented cunning and deadliness.
Another barrage of anti aircraft guns could be seen lighting up the sky. The noise and the flashes brought ComDefC1 back to her immediate reality. She wiped perspiration from her forehead as she sat there trying to figure out this situation. For a moment all other thoughts drained away, leaving her only to ponder her precarious, yet miraculous existence. The quiet darkness of her room soothed her like a soft comforting blanket. It wrapped her up protecting her from the despair that surrounded her. The solitude made her dilemma seem less real and terrifying than it really was. In the dark she pressed her lips tightly together as she searched her mind for answers.
Her thoughts slowly fell into place. She was confident that if she continued this masquerade as the Senator, and the charade of having amnesia, the CIA would be forced to leave her alone. If they tried to eliminate her, they risked exposing the entire cloning project, and ruin the Senator’s career and her chance of being President. ComDefC1 speculated that the CIA would observe her closely and try to keep her alive for their benefit. She had no doubts that they wanted her released and returned to the United States. Out of the public eye, they would then destroy her or lock her up forever in some laboratory.
With a deep sigh, ComDefC1 rubbed her palms across the clean sheets, savoring the sensation. She had been alive for over a month, and she knew the CIA and the Senator must be in a state of sheer panic. The celebrity status bestowed on ComDefC1, as the Senator, made her a major liability to the CIA and prevented Katherine Laforge from exposing herself to anyone who was not a part of this operation. The accident ended the mission, and left the Central Intelligence Agency in a- very difficult situation.
Since ComDefC1 and the Senator shared the same DNA it was unlikely that medically, or scientifically she could be exposed as an imposter, but her existence would be considered a threat, by the Agency. She realized her only hope of survival hinged on being perceived as the Senator at all times.
The Senator’s staff had unwittingly promoted this subterfuge with their story that Senator Katherine Laforge had risked her life and career to bring a peaceful solution to the problems between Iraq and the USA. It was reported that she had gone to Iraq to have a face-to-face visit with Saddam Hussein, and broker some sort of a peace accord, which would be implemented when and if she was elected President of the United States. The news also talked about her facing a $1,000,000 fine plus up to 12 years imprisonment, for her noble attempt to help the USA avoid war. What they did not mention was that no one had ever been prosecuted under this statue.
As she sat in her bed, dawn arrived. Slanting sunlight cut through the morning mist, casting its shadows on the window’s lace curtains. It was like a shimmering heavenly light sprinkling golden glitter all around the hospital room. This morning was her entry into this fairyland of the real world around her. The soft breeze from the ceiling fan gave her comfort in her solitude. This was a new morning, a true dawn to her new life. She was shedding her fatalistic view of inevitable death. The winds of change had gripped her, and for now it had erased her sadness and depression.
Her new mission was to prevent the knowledge of her recovery from those around her. Her awareness of being alive was ever so intense as she thought of this miracle she was experiencing, and every little thing around her became special and precious. In the morning silence, she tried to contemplate her future while listening in wonder to her heart beating life through her body. She felt awe for her good fortune and felt a oneness with the universe, which she was now a part of.
I cheated death these last few weeks, she mused. By all rights, I should have died but by some strange coincidence, I survived. Perhaps it was the blood transfusions, or the tissue transfers, or maybe a clone simply repairs its minuscule flaws and lives on.
She found she had no answer – only that her life was truly a great gift. ComDefC1 knew she should have vanished like vapor in the wind. Now, with the new lease on life, she felt an overpowering desire to escape the Senator’s identity. She had accepted the one inevitable, that the Senator’s memories and knowledge deep in the folds of her brain would guide and form much of her future decisions. The Senator would always be within her, slowly fading, but yet still omnipresent. She realized that all she was, is, and will be, would always be shared by this ghost of the Senator living deep within her mind and soul. Often in her solitude, she would hear the Senator talking to her as if she truly lived within her.
This new stage of her existence was like a rebirth for ComDefC1. Her old self had faded away, and she had metamorphosed into this new being that recognized and cherished her survival. Many take the miracle of life for granted, but she treasured this gift and vowed she would do anything she could to survive. She was fully aware that survival relied upon her ability to deceive, and take control of all situations. She had to plan for all possible contingencies and learn to respond to events and perils quickly.
The alarm radio switched on and the Voice of Iraq blasted out rock from the speakers. The FM station VOI was owned
by Uday Hussein and ironically played American and British rock music. It was the most popular rock station in Iraq. ComDefC1 reached over and turned it down. She was still very much consumed by her thoughts and wanted to think more about all of this before the nurses visited her this morning. One more thing had changed this morning, she was suddenly aware of her interest in Dr. al-Janabi. She knew she had always looked forward to seeing him, but now it was abruptly clear she had amorous feelings for Ibrahim. His loving gestures and signs of support in her adverse circumstances made her feel that he also had real feelings for her. She experienced a sense of vulnerability. These feelings for Ibrahim made her feel somewhat uncomfortable. ComDefC1 was also concerned, that she was perhaps emotionally confused and did not want to lose her self-esteem by surrendering to feelings that were brought on by the situation. Regardless, she looked forward to seeing Ibrahim this morning.
There was the sound of approaching footsteps, and Dr.Ibrahim al-Janabi opened the door. Ibrahim could see Kat was very much awake and appeared much happier than usual, and asked her “How do you feel this morning?”
She felt confused and weakly greeted Ibrahim. ComDefC1 realized that her behavior was not that of the Senator, and quickly tried to pull herself together. She hesitated a few seconds to compose herself and think of an appropriate reply. “I feel good this morning,” she blurted out, “and I look forward to my physical therapy.”
Ibrahim smiled, and sensed Kat’s peculiar demeanor. “I must make my rounds, but I will be back to help you with your therapy.”
At the Nurse’s station, Dr. al-Janabi reported the Senator’s condition. Lounging at the desk was Dr. Benoit, whose eyes lit up when he heard the news.
ComDefC1 was surprised to see Hessa enter her room escorting a very excited looking Dr. Benoit. Kat had often wondered about Dr. Benoit. Was he there to look out for her interests or was he there to report on her to the CIA? ComDefC1 knew that Senator Laforge had never met him before because there was no recollection of Dr. Benoit in her memories. ComDefC1 realized immediately that she must be cautious with every word and action in front of Dr. Benoit. She was glad that the radio was still on and some Iraqi announcer was bantering away, because she could hear her heart pounding in her ears as she gazed at Dr. Benoit when he asked her, “How are you feeling today?”
ComDefC1 met the Doctor’s gaze and calmly replied, “Good enough to want to get back to my work soon. I need to find out what is going on with my campaign and be able to catch up with my mail, and any legislation that I should be aware of.”
Dr. Benoit blinked with surprise and replied, “You should not be concerned about those issues now, only focus on getting better so you can get on with your life.”
ComDefC1 retorted back, “I would be ashamed to go back until after I took care of the primary reason I came here, which was to talk to Saddam Hussein. I owe this to my supporters.”
Dr. Benoit looked strangely at her and said in a measured voice, “Senator, are you sure that is what you want to do?”
“Hell yes, that is what I must do after getting my ass blown up,” ComDefC1 answered caustically, “I need to bring back something from this trip. Don’t you agree?”
Dr. Benoit simply nodded in agreement and added, “Well, Senator, I guess you do feel like your old self again!”
Was his reply sarcasm or some sort of probe into her intentions? ComDefC1 was not sure but she was not going to give on this. She would be the Senator, in every way that she felt bubbling up from within her. What would the Senator have done, was the question she constantly asked herself?
Benoit picked up the Senator’s chart hanging at the end of the bed and started chatting with Hessa about it. ComDefC1 heard a torrent of Arabic whispers being exchanged, and she barked to Dr. Benoit and Hessa to be polite and speak English in her presence. Benoit sheepishly smiled and apologized for his rudeness. “I was just trying to see how you are recovering and healing from the accident.”
Hessa added that she would not talk in Arabic any longer with others, if they can speak English.
ComDefC1’s comments must have bothered the Doctor, or it was the medical charts he had read, because he abruptly turned to her, told her he was glad for her progress, and hoped that things would continue this way, so they could all soon go home. He came back over to the bed and shook ComDefC1’s good hand and said, “Senator, I’m sorry I offended you, and I want you to know that I am here to help you, in any way I can, to get you back up on your feet.”
ComDefC1 pumped Benoit’s hand and said, “Of course, I understand.” As the doctor left the room, ComDefC1 made a mental note to ask Hessa to restrict Dr. Benoit’s access to her unless Dr. al-Janabi accompanied him. She did not trust him to administer any drugs to her or treat her in any way. She felt sure that Dr. Benoit was strictly there to serve the interest of the CIA. She doubted that the doctor’s motive was anything other than being an assassin’s assassin, and ComDefC1 did not want that to happen. Her encounter with this Doctor from Walter Reed Hospital fed into her feeling of paranoia. This man appeared to be her biggest threat.
The morning dragged and ComDefC1 looked forward to her therapy later that afternoon. As soon as ComDefC1’s casts and bandages were removed, the real work had begun. She had learned how to stretch her muscles again, ride a stationary bicycle and walk on a treadmill. Part of the therapy was simple things, like the therapist applying ice packs to her leg and arm to reduce the pain and swelling.
Ibn Sina hospital also used a machine that sent a mild electrical current to the muscles in her arms and legs through pads applied to the skin. The electrical stimulation reduced the pain and swelling and helped relieve her stiffness. Every other day ComDefC1 got to work out in a heated swimming pool. Using the water to support her body made it easier to move. Once a week, they would give her a whirlpool bath followed by a complete massage, and today ComDefC1 was going to experience ultrasound as part of her treatments.
That night she felt sadness and loneliness consuming her again. So much had happened in the last 24 hours that she had not thought about the reality of what she was, but now it hit her. Her world was a silent kingdom of her own. Realizing that even her memories were not hers, but those of Senator Laforge made her feel acutely lonely, because she felt her mind had nothing in it that belonged to her. All of the happiness and love that she had felt earlier now ebbed away as the reality of what she was ate away at her.
Most people could take solace in thoughts of their childhood or some period of their life, but not ComDefC1. She realized that every thought of a friend or an event was really just a mirage of the past. She felt her life was now dark and meaningless. She felt so lonely because she had no one to talk to that, she could divulge her feelings or secrets to. Even if she could establish a relationship with Dr. al-Janabi, she could never divulge to him what she really was. The human desire to talk to someone about her anguish engulfed her. Loneliness is a psychological need that must be satisfied.
ComDefC1 wanted some sense of identity. Who was she now? She knew she had to take control of herself quickly, or she would end up delusional. She knew she was in what seemed like an inescapable situation that was totally isolating. There was a feeling of despair, and not knowing how much more of this painful loneliness she could take. How agonizing this was! A living prison cell, an inescapable reality, she felt this need for companionship, but everywhere she turned there was none. Nothing out there was like her. She was truly alone in this universe. The loneliness so deep inside of her seemed to have a life and personality of its own. It was like a demon that left her scared, angry and hating.
She desperately looked forward to seeing Dr. al-Janabi in the morning. She knew that just his presence would sooth and calm her. ComDefC1 realized she had to work on separating herself from all that was stored in her mind. The philosopher Descartes made the often-repeated statement that, “I think, therefore, I am.” ComDefC1 wanted to change that. What she wanted was to be a new person unchained to the ident
ity locked inside her mind. She knew that her thoughts were from her conditioned mind. This was a mind, which judged the future from all the experiences and cultural baggage it had absorbed to help shape each of its new thoughts. She had to learn when to listen to these voices of the Senator, in a very impartial way, and to use these memories to shape thoughts that would be her own unique thoughts.
Part of having your own identity is having a name, that you feel defines you, and ComDefC1 had thought a lot about that. Stored in her mind, were memories of the story of Frankenstein. She had easily identified with the monster from Shelly’s story. The monster had the same beginning; straight out of the laboratory created from necessity and expediency. Both of them yearned for a companion in life and Dr. Frankenstein wanted his monster to die and be out of his life just as the CIA and Senator Laforge most likely wanted. It did not take long for ComDefC1 to decide that Shelly would be her last name.
Her Catholic background provided her with a handful of Biblical names to ponder over. She wanted a first name that spoke of her existence, one like Anastasia that meant ‘Resurrection’ or Joanna a Hebrew name for ‘God is gracious’. She tried both of them with Shelly but neither sounded right and then she remembered the name ‘Zoe’ meaning eternal life. In the New Testament, Zoe was used numerous times to indicate eternal life. It was a name that she liked and in a tiny whisper, she said, “I am Zoe Shelly.” It sounded right and oddly enough related to her existence because as she recalled from the Bible, Zoe or eternal life is the whole future of the redeemed, and the final glory and reward to which the children of God enter.
These two names merged together were the roots of her new identity. She could not use this name now, but she could work at creating this person in her mind and on paper. “I shall be … Zoe,” she told herself. She silently whispered it again, “Zoe Shelly,” she smiled to herself and then happily collapsed across the bed.
