by Lisa Plumley
The door opened and Connor strode in, his pain evident to her in every step he took towards her.
‘You called for me?’ he asked, going to the table and pouring a measure of whisky into a cup and swallowing it in one mouthful.
‘This turmoil is not good, Connor,’ Jocelyn said, walking towards him. Many would stand away, but she needed to touch him, to soothe him when her words would inflame him. ‘And I have been searching for the real cause of it.’
‘Your son’s pigheadedness and immaturity!’ he shouted. ‘He is stubborn, like you, and questions my decisions and my authority.’
At one time, she would have run at such words, but she and her Beast had been through too much for this bluster to frighten her off. She needed to take the proverbial thorn from the lion’s paw, but it was going to hurt in doing so. Taking a deep breath, she walked to his side and touched his arm. He almost pulled it from her. Almost. But he calmed the tiniest amount and let her hand remain there.
‘I discovered two secrets you are keeping, from me and from our son, and I wonder if, in keeping those secrets, you are not feeling guilty?’ The muscles in his arm tensed and she waited for him to withdraw from her touch. When he did not, she pressed on.
‘One secret you keep would have helped Aidan and might have averted this whole situation. The other would have helped you get your way with him and yet you did not use it when you could have. So, would you like to hear what I have discovered?’
Connor glared at her and ground his teeth together, but did not move away.
Men liked to think that only women gossiped or spent time passing tales around, the juicier the better, but, truth be told, men were just as good at it as women were. And no man in Lairig Dubh could share gossip, and in the right circumstances share secrets with her, like Rurik Erengislsson.
She had developed a relationship with the half-Scot, half-Norse warrior in her first days here, even if they did not recognise it. He became the one man she could count on, no matter the situation, and he stood at her back at times when Connor could not. Though things became strained recently when her brother pursued his daughter, Rurik had seen the love between them and given up his resistance to the match.
So, when she needed to know what was truly going on with her husband and the clan, she spoke to Rurik. He probably did not even realise the importance of what he’d shared with her, but she had. A good challenging game of chess and the man spilled out information he would never have shared if he wasn’t concentrating on and distracted by his next move.
‘Aidan was not the one who decided on Gowan’s assignment that day. The one that took him from Lairig Dubh and began...’ They both knew what it all started. ‘The names of those being sent had already been chosen. Aidan only thinks it was his decision.’
‘So, what of it? It was a test of his abilities and he failed,’ he growled out.
‘But instead of stopping him, you let Gowan go. You knew of Aidan’s attraction to the man’s wife and you let him go.’
He let out a breath filled with pain and guilt and his eyes confirmed her suspicions. He had made the decision. He allowed the situation, even knowing what would most likely happen.
‘Gowan was the best man to go. We needed his experience and his training skills with those new soldiers,’ he explained in a voice that showed his conviction wavering. ‘I made the decision for the good of the clan.’
‘That is why you were willing to give Catriona the house and the settlement when Aidan asked for them. Not because of his guilt, but your own?’ she asked, not expecting an answer. Jocelyn walked over to one of the large chairs and sat down. When Connor did the same, she continued.
‘You just did not realise that his heart was already engaged. That this woman was different from all the rest who came before.’
‘I believed that when Gowan died and Aidan thought he’d caused it, he would lose interest in her. She’s too old for him. She’s too poor. She’s uneducated. She’s—’
‘She’s not a whore.’ His eyes flared then in surprise, something not common to her husband.
‘How do you know that?’ he asked. ‘The men I spoke to said she was.’
‘I spoke to the ones you did not. The ones who saw the whole of the incident that led to Gowan’s marriage to her. Her father was trying to force her into selling herself and she fought him and the men he tried to sell her to. Gowan heard the commotion, took her from there and handfasted with her the next day. Their marriage in church happened later when they arrived back here some weeks later.’
‘I should have asked you to gather the information I needed,’ he said with a harsh, sarcastic chuckle.
‘Aye, you should have, for I also found out she thought herself barren because she’d just lost a babe and had nearly died from it.’
He stared at her for a moment, his gaze filled with admiration. But, that moment passed and the anger flowed back. It would take more than just a secret to break down his resistance to the whole truth of the matter.
‘That led me to the second secret you keep.’
‘What secret is that, Wife?’ he asked, shifting on the chair to face her.
‘You did not tell Aidan the truth when he confronted you about your role in Catriona’s departure. You allowed everyone to believe that you forced Catriona from here. That you decided to exile her to some secret place to get her away from Aidan.’
He glared at her, but remained silent.
‘You only told Aidan part of it when you admitted that she asked for your help.’
‘I told him the truth,’ he argued.
‘Liar.’ She leaned closer to him. ‘Aye, Catriona came to you when she discovered what she thought was the truth from Gowan’s son—that Aidan sent him away to seduce her.’
‘He did.’
‘You sent the man. You could have stopped it. You could have told Aidan from the start and it would never have got to this point, Connor.’
‘Your point, lady?’
‘That she asked for your help in escaping. She asked for your help because she also discovered she is carrying Aidan’s child, our kin, and she could not face him, knowing...’ Jocelyn paused. ‘Or believing what you let her believe.’
Connor pushed out of the chair and began walking around the perimeter of the chamber, beginning and stopping whatever words he wanted to say several times before any came out of his mouth.
‘I thought he would tire of chasing a woman who did not want him. I thought that if he tried and failed, he would move on to another woman, as he always had before.’ Connor raked his hands through his hair and stared at her. The thorn was still there, waiting to be pulled free.
‘I thought he would see the wisdom in choosing another woman, a woman better than her in so many ways. Yet, he clung to her.’
‘He loved her, Connor,’ she whispered.
‘Then, when Munro told her his version of what had happened, the one Aidan also believed, she asked me to help her leave. She would make no claim on our son if I found a new place for her to live. The daft woman would take nothing more than a small settlement and did not even admit to me that she was carrying.’ He paused and looked at her then. ‘It was exactly what I wanted to happen. So, I did as she asked.’
‘So, why did you not reveal her secret to him? That she knew she carried his child when she left him?’
His voice shook with sadness and resignation as he said the rest. ‘Because it would have broken him to let him know he would lose her and his child. I could not stand to have him suffer that way.’
‘So, you kept that very important matter to yourself?’
‘’Twas better not to reveal it.’
When he met her gaze, she saw the pain of a father trying to protect his son. Yet, he’d put them together when he thought they would fall apart. Then, in separa
ting them, he forced his son away.
Now she needed to come up with a way to bring them all—Aidan and Catriona, father and son, kith and kin, back together. Jocelyn walked to the door and called several servants to her.
‘What are you doing?’ Connor asked.
‘Preparing to visit my daughter.’
‘Lilidh? Now? Why?’ he asked, watching as she gave orders that would see trunks packed and horses and supplies prepared.
‘Because I also discovered where you sent her and sent Aidan there. Now, you have to devise a plan to heal this breach before we arrive there.’
‘He is the pigheaded, wrong...’
‘Stubborn one. I know. He is the very image of you, my love,’ she said, walking to him now. ‘He is the best of you and the worst. And if you do not mend this tear, you will never survive it. We will never survive it.’ She smiled as he considered her words. ‘You may even have to apologise.’
‘Jocelyn!’ he drawled out. ‘I should not have to—’ She reached up and put her hand over his mouth to stop him.
‘Ah, but you are the stronger, the wiser, the more experienced man in this situation. It is your place to lead by example.’
He mulled over her words, but the doubtful expression in his amber eyes showed he did not think much of it. So, she used the threat she kept away for those times when reason and rational thought did not work.
‘If my son does not return to his home, I will not return either.’
She needed Connor as she needed the air to breathe and she knew he needed her in the same manner. Their love was tempered by fire and challenged and strengthened over the decades since their marriage. But part of that love included their bond with their children. Breaking that bond damaged everything between them. This was no idle threat and she held her breath, praying he understood it the same way that she did.
He walked past her, pulled the door open even wider and called out in his battle voice to those outside. It took little time for their journey to begin.
She did not ask and he did not say what his plan was, but she knew her husband and little that he set his mind to do was ever left undone.
The thorn was loosening a bit.
Chapter Twenty-Three
They circled each other over the next sennight, acknowledging the other with the slightest of nods or glances. But Aidan had decided not to press her at this point. He did, however, find ways to observe her when she did not know he was there.
The people in Rob’s clan had accepted this stranger into their midst and seemed to have a care for her. A small girl brought messages and bundles of food to her from the girl’s mother and other women in the village. A strong older boy helped her with the harder tasks, such as cutting and carrying peat and wood for her fires. She spent time during the day working in the new garden she’d carved into the small plot next to her cottage. He wondered if she grew betony yet.
Aidan accepted the duties he was given and let everything else ruminate while he looked for a solution. The one thing that had not changed was his love for Catriona.
And when a note passed to him from someone in the keep informed him that his parents were now travelling towards Keppoch Keep, his path became clear to him and the cost of his youthful stupidity must be paid by him and no other.
* * *
Catriona finished her tasks, put away her mending and put out some of the candles. She poured the last of her tea into her cup and sat sipping it before going to bed. Tired from staying busy and from the demands that pregnancy put on her body now, she had been finishing up and seeking her bed earlier each night.
Her cold, empty, lonely bed.
The one in which she tossed and turned every night, examining her conscience and the same question—could good come from a bad beginning? Or did the bad taint everything that came from it?
Though she would love the babe as much as she loved his father, could she accept him and be happy when a man’s death had been caused by them?
She was no closer to an answer, in spite of knowing he was there in Keppoch village and keep.
Though she’d seen Lady Matheson and now knew of the connection between her and Aidan, she could not figure out why Lord MacLerie had sent her here. If Aidan had not found her, she could have been happy here among these people.
Since that night when he’d recognised her, she waited for him to appear at her door, demanding that she listen to his side of things. Instead, he gave her a wide circle, not approaching directly or even too closely. It was almost as though he was giving her the time and distance she wanted.
The problem was that she wanted him. Now that this babe seemed firmly in place and growing well, she wanted to share the small joys with the man she loved. The last time, she had lived in fear through the whole time, never knowing what to expect and then getting worse than she could have imagined. What would it be like to go through this with Aidan at her side? With both of them wanting this babe? With both of them...
The soft scratching on the door startled her. She put her cup down and went to open it. Sometimes, one of the village women, Seonag or Isobel or one of the others, would send over their leftover food from their suppers for her. When she put her hand on the latch, he whispered through the door.
‘Catriona? I would speak with you, if you would grant me a few moments?’
Damn her traitorous heart, for it raced in reaction to his voice, his whispered words, and even just knowing he was so close to her now. She tugged the door open and forgot how to breathe once again.
He looked wonderful and terrible at the same time. She wanted to push him away and take him in her arms. She loved him and wanted to hate him in the same moment, but love won out. She knew then that she could not hate him, not even knowing that he thought he was responsible for Gowan’s death. For in the long and lonely nights filled only with time for thinking, she’d realised that Munro played just as much a part in his father’s death, maybe more so than even Aidan.
If Munro had not believed the worst, for whatever reason he chose to do so, he would have let things lie and never summoned his father home. In his attempt to punish her and humiliate Aidan, he’d sent the message that forced Gowan on to that road that night and to his death.
Up to that time, nay, up until Gowan was long dead and buried, she was a faithful wife to him. Aidan’s sins were of lust and pride and for coveting a woman who was not his to covet.
With that knowledge in her heart, she waited on his words, hoping he would ask for her forgiveness so she could do so. Instead his words shocked her.
‘I have come to say farewell to you, Cat.’ He did not try to come in, but only stood there outside her door. ‘It is unfair for me to disrupt the life you have found here on your own. I thought...I thought that if I could say the right words, you might...’ He paused then and gazed at her. ‘I have realised that I expected what every other man has expected of you—that you would do what I wanted because I wanted it so. I thought that if I came and said the words I wanted to tell you, you would accept them and forgive me.’
He looked away then and she felt the tears beginning to gather in her eyes. ‘But I was wrong. The things I did were wrong. The way I forced you into my protection and manipulated you into caring for me was wrong.’ Aidan laughed sadly. ‘I thought you were like all the others and, in that, I was truly and completely wrong.’ He cleared his throat and glanced back at her then.
‘Aidan, I...’
He shook his head. ‘I pray you let me finish first?’ She nodded.
‘On the morrow, I journey to a cousin’s lands in the north. I will tell my sister where I am so that if you have need of anything...’ His gaze fell to her belly and she instinctively placed her hand there. ‘She will know where I can be found. My father is supporting you and the bairn?’ he asked.
‘Aye,’
she forced out, the tears now tightening her throat and spilling over and down her cheeks. ‘He paid me for the house.’
‘I am sorry for devastating your life and causing Gowan’s death. It does not change anything, but I am sorry. Farewell, Catriona MacKenzie.’
With those simple words, he began to tear down her defences. But the next ones destroyed them.
‘I hope you are happy about the bairn?’ he asked. She could only nod then. ‘Good. Have a care for yourself, Cat.’
And he walked away. He did not look back. He did not stop. And Cat knew if she did nothing, she would regret it for the rest of her life. For the one thing she had always ever wanted was to be loved and Aidan did love her.
Bad beginning or good one, she was loved.
‘Aidan,’ she called out, running after him. ‘Do not leave me.’
He stopped and turned, the nearly full moon above lighting the ground where he stood.
‘I was wrong, too,’ she said. ‘You had the right to know about the babe and I kept it from you.’
‘I think you had good reason, Cat. How could you trust me not to take it from you when that is my nature?’
‘I know that you sent Gowan away, but you did not cause his death. You never intended him harm.’
He sucked in a breath at her words. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I know not how this will work out, but I would stay with you, so you can see and know your bairn.’
That was not the only reason. Cat would take his love however she could. If that meant being his leman, she would do that. She did not want to give him up.
‘How this will work? If you will have me, I would marry you.’
Now it was her turn to stand wordlessly before him. ‘Marry? Your father would never permit such a thing!’ She almost laughed, the thought of a penniless, unlearned, twice-married daughter of a whoremonger as the wife of the MacLerie’s son.
‘I should make it clear, that if you say aye, you get only the man before you. I have given up all claim to my father’s titles, lands and wealth. He has disowned me likewise.’ He sounded light-hearted and happy, if such a thing was possible.
