by Anna Jacobs
‘Go away!’ Nikki screamed at him. ‘I told you to go away and not come back till tomorrow. Why will you not give me some space to get my head round this?’
He looked at her pleadingly.
‘Go – away!’
Her voice was so high-pitched a nurse came running.
Regina waved Tim away and he disappeared, but when she went to look out of the door, he was still standing at the end of the corridor.
The nurse was taking Nikki’s obs and frowning. ‘You’ve got to calm down,’ she said quietly. ‘I told you earlier it doesn’t do you any good to get agitated.’
‘Then tell him to go away.’
‘I’ll do it,’ Regina said. She went out and joined Tim, not mincing her words. ‘You’re upsetting her and making things worse. You have to go home and leave her in peace.’
‘You’d think she’d want me here with her.’
‘I don’t think she wants any of us here. Most of all she doesn’t want to be here herself, hasn’t come to terms with that yet.’
‘How can she hate the baby?’
‘She doesn’t. She just hates feeling helpless. Don’t we all?’
‘What should I do, Ms Fox?’
‘What Nikki said: go home. Give me your mobile number and I’ll ring you when I get back from the hospital.’ As he still hesitated, she added, ‘You know that’s all you can do, Tim. I’ve brought in her mobile, so she can ring you herself if she wants you here.’
‘I suppose so.’ He walked off, shoulders hunched, looking so young and beaten her heart ached for him. She walked slowly back to the ward.
‘Has he gone?’ Nikki demanded.
‘Definitely gone home, I promise you. He only wants to help. You shouldn’t shout at him.’
‘Well, he’s not helping. No one can help me now. I’m trapped.’ She began sobbing.
The nurse shook her head and mouthed, ‘I’ll get the doctor.’
Regina waited. A tired-looking woman in a white coat came and checked Nikki. ‘I think we’ll give you a sedative. What you need more than anything is rest.’
Nikki didn’t protest, which made her mother realize how ill she was, but let them give her an injection and then lay back with her eyes closed.
‘You might as well go home too, Mum.’
‘I’ll stay till you go to sleep.’
She opened her eyes and glared at Regina. ‘Go – home! What’s with everyone? I do not, repeat, not, want to be on view every minute of the day. I want you all to leave me in peace.’ She threw one arm across her eyes, her lips pressed together in a thin, pale line.
Miranda was enjoying living in the cottage, loving the peace of being on her own and happy to have a garden. She’d missed her garden so much.
When the time came for her to see Katie again, she wasn’t as nervous as she’d been before. Her daughter seemed as friendly as could be expected, given the circumstances, but she didn’t feel the situation was hopeless.
She found Katie waiting for her and hurried across the café. ‘Am I late?’
‘No. I’m early.’ She looked down at a gadget she’d been fiddling with. ‘I’ve just been picking up my emails. I was hoping—’ She broke off with a sigh.
‘That you’d hear from your husband?’
Katie nodded, then forced a smile. ‘Never mind. We army wives get used to this sort of thing. Tell me where you’re living and what you’re doing with yourself. Did you come to England because of me?’
Miranda explained that her half-sister Regina lived nearby and there was a daughter, too.
‘It’s good to think of having more relatives. Mum and Dad don’t have many close ones.’
‘Yes. Only Nikki is in hospital. She’s pregnant and there seem to be complications.’
‘Poor thing. Her husband must be worried sick.’
‘She hasn’t got one. She’s only eighteen, is in her last year at school. So is the father.’
‘Ooh, that must be hard. Is your sister very upset?’
‘Yes. So is the baby’s father. I thought I’d pop into hospital on my way home, see how Nikki is. We email one another fairly regularly. She knows I understand how she feels about the baby.’
‘You had me adopted. Is she going to do that?’
‘No.’
The phone rang just then and Katie said, ‘Excuse me a moment.’ She checked her phone and looked at Miranda in horror. ‘It’s the Unit Welfare Officer.’ Her voice changed, became firmer. ‘Yes, it’s Katie Parrish. No, I’m in a café, with a friend. Yes, I can rely on her. Look, just tell me what’s happened!’
She listened again, then one hand came up to cover her mouth and her eyes filled with tears. ‘I see. But he’s going to be all right . . . ?’ She switched off the phone and sat with it in her hand, tears rolling down her cheeks.
In the end, Miranda laid one hand gently on hers. ‘I can see it’s bad news. Can I do anything to help?’
‘It’s Darren. He’s been shot. In the leg. He’s being sent to the UK for another operation. It’s serious but it’s not likely to be life-threatening.’ She gulped and struggled to keep calm, clasping Miranda’s hand now without realizing what she was doing. ‘I’ve been dreading this happening. I planned what I’d do, how I’d manage, only I can’t remember now.’
‘It’s shock. You’ll calm down gradually. In the meantime, you’re not on your own. I’ll do anything you need to help you.’
Katie looked at her blindly for a moment, then seemed to see her properly. ‘I . . . can’t ask you to help. We’ve only just met.’
‘What has that got to do with anything? The tie that binds a mother and child is not something you can switch on and off. It’s just . . . there . . . even when the child is invisible.’ She looked at her watch. ‘What time do you need to pick Ned up?’
‘Not for half an hour, but I want to go and get him now, tell him. He keeps expecting his father to phone us, you see, keeps asking.’
‘I’m sure they’ll let him out of school early but I don’t think you should drive. You might not be calm enough. Will you let me drive you? We’ll come back for your car later, once you’ve had time to grow used to . . . the news.’
She had to wait for Katie to think about this and then nod. It was as if the younger woman could only process information slowly.
And still their hands were joined, still Katie was clinging to her. Reluctantly Miranda disengaged her hand. ‘I’ll go and pay the bill. I won’t be a minute.’
She came back to see that Katie had a little more colour in her cheeks. ‘Shall we leave now?’
As they walked Katie stumbled and Miranda put an arm round her. ‘It’s all right. They said Darren wasn’t in danger, so it’s all right.’
She nodded, but didn’t speak.
When they were in the car, Miranda asked, ‘Can you direct me or should I program the TomTom?’
‘It’s not far. I’ll tell you where to go.’ Having to give directions seemed to help Katie and when they stopped in front of the school, she said, ‘I’ll go to the front office.’
‘I’ll come with you, just in case you feel faint again.’
‘All right.’
As they walked Katie gave a laugh that turned into a hiccup.
‘Is something wrong?’
‘Ned was rushed into hospital to have his appendix out. Brody helped me then.’
Miranda stopped walking. ‘Brody? He’s here in England?’
‘Yes. I was going to tell you. Anyway, he was a big help. And now you are here just when I need more help. It seems as if fate has brought us all together at the right time, doesn’t it? I was feeling . . . very alone.’
‘It must be hard when your husband’s overseas.’
‘Yes. Very. Even with the support groups.’ She sighed and fell silent.
Miranda didn’t say anything, couldn’t. She was trying to take in the thought that Brody was here in Wiltshire. Brody, whom she’d never expected to see again.
Did h
e hate her? Would he turn away from her or would he let her explain how they’d taken her child away from her? Could she hold herself together to tell him? The years of virtual imprisonment had left their mark on her, she knew.
She shivered, trying not to show how afraid she felt. Even the thought of facing him made her want to run and run till she could run no more.
But at the moment, her daughter needed her. She must focus on that.
Seventeen
Nikki opened her eyes as someone started taking her blood pressure. Why would they not let her sleep in peace?
‘Sorry, love,’ the nurse said gently. ‘We have to do this. I’ll be finished in a minute or two, then you can go back to sleep again.’
‘Am I going to lose the baby?’
‘Not if we can help it.’
‘It doesn’t seem real, all this.’
‘It’s the sedative. If I were you, I’d just let myself sleep and give my body time to recover.’
But when the nurse had gone, Nikki opened her eyes and stared round. She wished she hadn’t sent her mother away. She didn’t want to talk but she didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts, either.
How could she have said she hated the baby? She’d seen Tim’s shock and wished the words unsaid, but it was too late now. She’d said them. It was all too much lately: the baby, the horrible little flat, being with Tim all the time as he fussed over her like an elderly aunt.
Nothing was fun any more, nothing, and there seemed little hope of life getting any better.
Her mother had been right. She should have had an abortion. Tears welled in her eyes and she turned away from the door so that they’d not see. The nurses meant to be kind, but they were just doing their job and didn’t really care about her.
At least it was quiet here . . . peaceful . . .
They went into the reception area of the school and when Katie seemed to be having difficulty producing an explanation, Miranda intervened, which helped her get over the fact that Brody was in touch with her daughter. She’d deal with that later.
‘I’ll go and get Ned,’ the secretary said at once. ‘You stay there, Mrs Parrish. I won’t be a minute.’
They went to sit on some well-used red plastic chairs and within two minutes there was the sound of running footsteps. A little boy hurtled through the door and ran to his mother.
‘I thought you’d prefer to explain it to him,’ the secretary said, handing over a backpack.
‘Why do I have to leave school early, Mummy?’ Ned asked. ‘Is Daddy back?’ He shot a curious glance at Miranda, jigging from one foot to the other.
‘Um, no. I’ll tell you in the car, darling.’
He looked at his mother as if puzzled by her tone, but obediently took the hand she held out. As they stopped by the car he frowned and looked up at her. ‘This isn’t our car.’
‘I wasn’t feeling well, so Miranda drove me here and now she’s going to take us home.’
‘Can I ride in the front?’
‘You and I will both ride in the back.’
‘Aww.’
Miranda followed instructions and they turned off the main street of the little town, threading through a series of side streets that had her wondering how she’d find her way round if she didn’t have a satnav system. She kept wondering about Brody, unable to believe he was here, that she might see him again. If he wanted to meet. He’d still think she’d dumped both him and their child. How he must hate her!
‘This is it,’ Katie said. ‘Park behind that green car.’
As she slowed down Miranda realized in horror that she’d been driving automatically, lost in her thoughts. Thank heavens there hadn’t been an accident! The house they stopped at was a semi, very like its neighbours, old-fashioned with a tiny, useless garage at one side.
Katie got out and led the way up the garden path, with Ned jumping and skipping along beside her, gesticulating wildly as he continued telling some involved tale about what had happened at playtime. She turned at the front door and seemed surprised not to see Miranda behind her. Beckoning her mother to follow them, she went inside, standing in the small square hall with one hand on her son’s shoulder to wait for her visitor.
‘We’ll go into the front room.’ Once inside she stopped moving again, not seeming quite sure what to do.
Still in shock, Miranda thought. Join the club. But she’d had years of hiding her feelings, so only said, ‘Do you want me to make you a cup of tea? It’s supposed to help when you’re upset.’
Katie shook her head. ‘No, thank you. I’ll just . . . explain what’s happened to Ned.’ She sat down and took a deep breath. ‘It’s your father, darling. He’s—’
‘He’s not dead! He can’t be dead.’
Even young children of serving soldiers have this fear, Miranda thought. How brave they all are!
Katie took her son’s hand. ‘No, of course he’s not dead. But he’s been shot and is in hospital, so they’ll be sending him back to England.’
He sat still then said in a tight, anxious voice, ‘Is it hurting Daddy?’
Seeing Katie struggling against tears, Miranda said quickly, ‘The doctors will give him something to stop the pain.’
His face cleared. ‘Like they did when I was in hospital. I had my appendix out two weeks ago.’ He patted his belly and added with some relish, ‘They had to cut me open to take it out because it’d gone bad, and then they stitched my skin together. I haven’t got to do anything rough yet. Will they have to cut Daddy open?’
Katie went white again but managed to say, ‘I’m sure they’ve sewn him up again by now. Why don’t you get your biscuit and milk, Ned?’ After he’d left, she leaned back and closed her eyes. ‘I didn’t cope very well, did I?’
‘You didn’t do too badly,’ Miranda said encouragingly.
‘I thought I could cope with anything, even that. I’m a soldier’s wife. I should be able to cope.’
‘No one’s perfect and that’s a good thing. It’d be terrible living with someone who was perfect in every way, or even someone who thinks they’re perfect.’ An image of Sebastian floated into her mind, with his scornful way of looking at others as if they were inferior to him.
Katie managed a faint smile. ‘That’s one way of looking at it. Darren seems pretty perfect to me, though.’
‘You obviously love him very much.’
‘From the first moment I saw him. He’s not good-looking, but he is attractive – or he would be if they didn’t cut his hair so short.’
‘You don’t think you’re a teeny bit biased?’
That brought a genuine smile. ‘Totally biased.’
‘Well, and so you should be. Why else would you have married him? Now, what about that cup of tea . . . ? No, you stay there. I’m sure Ned will show me where everything is. You’ll probably appreciate a few minutes’ peace.’
‘How did you know?’
‘I’m a bit like that myself. I need to be on my own to pull myself together.’ She walked out and moved towards the rear of the house without waiting for an answer. In the kitchen doorway she hesitated for a moment as her grandson – her grandson! – gave her a beaming smile from a face decorated by a milky moustache.
‘I didn’t spill a drop.’
‘That’s very good. Look, your Mummy’s tired and she’d like a cup of tea. Can you show me where everything is, then we’ll make it together? My name’s Miranda Fox, by the way, and I know yours is Ned.’
The fact that her name was Fox made him laugh heartily, after which he seemed to accept her presence without question. He showed her where everything was, chattering all the time about a fox that had run through their garden a few days ago.
Wonder filled her as she watched his expressive face. She stopped him from sending the remains of his milk flying as he flung out one arm, and answered his questions as best she could.
Her grandson!
When the tea was brewed she poured two mugs, feeling quite sure that Katie would
n’t begrudge her a drink, and carried one through into the front room, leaving Ned to empty out his backpack, which he said he had to do before he was allowed to play out in the garden.
‘He’s a gorgeous lad,’ she said as she handed her daughter a mug of tea. ‘I hope that’s all right. He said one sugar.’
Katie took the mug and sighed with pleasure as she took a sip. ‘Yes, that’s just right. Thank you so much.’
‘It’s no trouble to make a cup of tea.’
‘I meant for your help and for the few minutes’ peace you’ve given me. I can’t tell you how much I needed it.’
‘It must be difficult to be the only one looking after a child.’
‘Is that why you had me adopted?’
‘No! Never! I wanted to keep you, only they—’
Just then someone rang the front door bell.
Miranda stood up. ‘I’ll answer it. You’ll be able to hear whether it’s someone you want to see. Unless you call out, I’ll say you have a headache and are lying down.’
She opened the door and found herself facing the last person she’d expected or wanted to see today. He looked older, harder – and just as attractive as ever.
‘Brody.’
He turned away as if to stride down the path and she grabbed his arm.
‘Wait! You might not want to see me, but Katie needs our help.’
Brody stared down at her, wanting to pull away but then her words sank in. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Darren’s been shot.’
‘He’s dead?’
‘No. Injured. But she was so upset she wasn’t fit to drive, so I drove her home. Only somehow we have to get her car back from near the café. She’s still a bit shaky.’
He looked beyond her to see Katie standing in the sitting room doorway, holding Ned back. ‘You need your car fetching back?’
‘Yes. Miranda was kind enough to—’
‘Give me your keys and I’ll get it for you. I can catch a taxi there.’
‘That’d be stupid, when Miranda can drive you.’
He hesitated, deliberately not looking at the woman standing beside him. He didn’t want to speak to her and he definitely didn’t want to be shut up in a small car with her.
‘I’ll get my car keys.’ Miranda went to fetch her handbag.
