It wasn’t long, though, before I heard a knock at my door. Surely they weren’t leaving already, but I still wouldn’t have been surprised if it was Jennifer needing in. It wasn’t, though. It was Brad…looking more awake and in clean clothes. “What’s going on?”
I stepped back to let him in. “You think I was fucked up…you have no idea. Zane let me in. All I can figure is they were still partying when Ethan came over here this morning. Nick isn’t even there. Zane said he’s pretty sure he went to that girl’s dorm room sometime after we left. He and Jennifer were crashed on his bed, decided to lay down till morning. Ethan was crashed on his bed too. But…looks like I’m gonna be here a while. I could text Nick, but I’d rather give him a little while longer to sleep.” He shrugged.
“You can hang with me if you want.” I wondered if he’d want to watch television while I was studying or maybe we could get some breakfast somewhere.
But he got close to me. “That’s not the main reason why I came back here, though.” And whatever words had been on my tongue went scurrying to the floor. “We have a little unfinished business.”
I was finally able to swallow, but my voice sounded weak and tiny. “We do?”
He leaned over and cupped my face in his hands to bring my lips to his. My breath was shallow as he touched his lips to mine. But although his hands on my face were gentle, his kiss was not. His lips were firm and demanding, and I parted mine, inviting his tongue into my mouth. I felt lightheaded in the presence of this man and just allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of finally kissing him. When he let go of my lips, he said, “Unfinished, right?”
All I could do was give him a thin smile and let out the rest of the air in my lungs. I didn’t notice until then that I’d put my hands on his pecs. And, since I wasn’t pushing him away, he took that as a signal to move forward. He moved his hands to my waist and pulled me as close to him as I could possibly be. And his next kiss transported me. I no longer felt like silly little Valerie Quinn, college freshman, living in a tiny dorm room without a clue of what she wanted to do with her life. Instead, I got my first taste of womanhood, for inside me he opened up a Pandora’s Box of emotions and desires I hadn’t known existed. Yes, I’d thought I knew, but Brad was a whole other level when it came to arousing me. Maybe it was because we already had some flirty sexual thing going. And while I was confused, I wanted to venture a little further.
I felt the hair on my arms standing on end while I slid my hands up to his neck to hold his face from his jaw to his temple while his tongue danced with mine, performing some wicked magic inside me. And then, when I moved my hands into his soft hair, I couldn’t help but notice yet didn’t object to his hands moving to cup my ass and push me into him.
And, oh, was that a delicious sensation. I might have known, in the logical, cold sense, how my body was supposed to work but being a late bloomer hadn’t experienced what those things I knew about actually felt like. My entire body felt like it had been plugged into an outlet, and I could have lit up a Christmas tree. My senses were heightened, and there was nothing he could have done in that moment that would have felt wrong.
But that stupid little niggling voice in the back of my head. I could hear it. It might have been muffled, but I could still hear it telling me I didn’t want to lose my virginity in the heat of the moment just because I couldn’t control myself. It told me I didn’t love Brad, and that was, of course, my cardinal rule.
Oh, in those few seconds, I think I tried to convince myself I did. I certainly loved the way he knew how to handle my body. And that time, when he released my lips, he moved to kiss my neck, and I heard a low moan escape my lips. So who could blame him when he took that as a signal to go? One of his hands released my ass and slid up underneath my shirt. Again, I was surprised at my body’s response to him. His warm hand on my side felt delightful and electric, but that little voice tried one more time, urging me to stop. If I didn’t put on the brakes now, it was all over, because that little voice was getting buried deeper and deeper, and the sensations of Brad’s touch were feeling better by the second.
And so I listened.
One of my hands released the hair in its grip and brought itself back down to his pec to aid me in stopping the proceedings. And good thing too, because I detected that I might be feeling his piston revving up.
“Brad…please stop.”
He opened his eyes and moved his head to look at me. “Stop?”
“Yeah.”
He kissed me again, knocking the wind out of me once more. “Stop that?”
I took a moment and blinked. “Yes.”
“You don’t seem so sure…” He pressed his forehead on mine and gazed in my eyes. “What’s wrong?”
By now, I had both hands on his chest as though they could push him away…as though my hands wanted to push him away, but we were still in a tight embrace, and I wasn’t pushing against him. “I…It’s not you, Brad. Oh, God, it’s not you. I swear. I want you bad.”
He was trying to understand. “So why not? If you’re worried about birth control…”
That got my attention. Yeah, I should have been, but it had been the last thing from my mind. “No. I’m…um…” I swallowed hard. “I’m a…”
“Virgin?” I took a deep breath and nodded.
“Oh.” I could see his mind struggling with this new knowledge. He nodded and said it again. “Oh. Yeah. Uh…your first time should be…special, right? At least, for girls. I didn’t give much of a shit.”
In spite of the overwhelming and heady mix of emotions, I couldn’t help but giggle, and I think that was partly from the relief that I wouldn’t have to explain to Brad how fucked up my mind really was. I didn’t think I loved him, and I had that stupid idea that I have to love the first guy I gave myself to. That’s what would make it special, I thought.
But his eyes kept scanning mine. “That’s not it, though. It’s Ethan, isn’t it? You still care about him.”
Did I? I’d been so angry with him, and then that’s when I realized Brad was right. I was only so furious with him because I’d cared so much to begin with. But I didn’t say a word.
Brad was no dummy, though. He let out a long breath of air and loosened his grip on me. “And…I already told you, as you’ll recall, nothing between you and me as long as he’s in the picture.” He let me go and turned around to pace the length of my room. He let out another deep breath and then looked over at me, still frozen in place by the door. All I could hear was his step, one after the other, as I held my breath, waiting to hear what he had to say. “So…how about we go grab a bite to eat? I’m starving.”
“Uh, I…”
“On me.”
Well, after breaking his heart and crushing his balls, it was the least I could do.
Chapter Fourteen
WE FINALLY SAT in a booth at McDonald’s, Brad with an entire tray of food, me with a cup of coffee, hash browns, and a small breakfast sandwich. So…unlike his bandmates, Brad at least appeared to have a little money to spend. It made me curious. “So…what do you do besides play in your band? Where do you work?”
He sneered. “I work for one of those places that changes oil. Pretty much sucks.” He smiled. “Course, anything that doesn’t have anything to do with music sucks, as far as I’m concerned.” He took a bite of his sandwich, and after he swallowed, he said, “But I’m saving up so I can actually make something of my life.”
“What are your plans?”
“I’m pretty sure you have the idea. I don’t have any crazy notions, like we have to move to New York or L.A. or Seattle, but we need to amass a fan base. Nothing happens nowadays without fans, and we won’t get fans by sitting around on our asses. That’s part of why I booked that show here—the sooner Ethan and Zane realize college isn’t their future, the sooner we can get on with our lives. They need to feel the need in their blood.”
Oh…so Brad planned to take Ethan out of my life for good. It didn’t matter that I had
n’t decided if college was my future either; it was all I’d known in my short adult life, but the one constant so far for me had been Ethan. For him to be gone, whether I wanted to scratch his eyes out or not, hit hard. But I tried to keep my emotions under check. “So what are you thinking?”
“I dunno. Colorado Springs, Denver, some of the big college towns. But that would involve moving to one of those places. I’m thinking Denver. It’s huge. I bet we could have shows booked all the time.”
We ate in silence for a few minutes until he said, “So, that’s what I’m saving up for. I’m sure my mom will be thrilled for me to move out.”
“You think so?”
“Actually, no. I’m her youngest kid and she’s divorced, so she really doesn’t want me to leave. But I’ve been trying to prepare her for it.” I nodded and took a sip of my coffee. He looked up at me. “So what about you, Val? What big plans do you have for the future?”
I took a deep breath. I was no more decided about my future this early morning in April than I had been when I’d chosen my classes at freshman orientation the summer before. I shook my head. “I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.”
He laughed. “Okay…I’ll ask you what my douchebag counselor asked me my junior year in high school.” He sat up straight in the booth and wrinkled up his face, pretending to peer over the rims of glasses and screwing up his mouth. Then he talked in a garbled voice that was higher pitched than his regular speaking voice. “What are your interests, Mr. Payne? What do you find yourself doing when you lose track of time?”
I giggled. “Those seem to be reasonable questions.”
“Yeah, they were, even though he was reading them off a card while looking out the window watching the cheerleaders practice on the front lawn. And when I told him my answer, he told me to be realistic.” He used the counselor’s voice again, once more sending me into peals of laughter.
“You seem to be talented with your impersonations too.”
“Yeah, but seriously…what interests you, Val? There’s gotta be something, right?”
I thought about it…really thought about it. But I still gave a lame answer. “Well, isn’t that why I’m taking all these classes, these varied classes, to help me figure out what I like?”
“Maybe…so have you found something?”
“That’s the problem. Everything seems fun…for a while.”
He looked at me hard, as though he were peering into my soul…and it felt like it. “You like writing?”
“I guess.”
“Because that shit you wrote for us was phenomenal.”
I felt my cheeks grow warm. “I thought you were just saying that.”
He smiled. “Because I was drunk? I’ll let you in on a little secret.” He winked. “I’m brutally honest when I’m drunk. Scary honest.”
I tried to think back to exactly what he’d said last night about the songs I’d written. I couldn’t remember his exact words, but he’d pretty much gushed. So I just nodded and took a sip of my coffee, hoping it had cooled down enough that I could get lost in it for a bit.
But when I put the stupid cup down, he was still looking at me, intent. “You ever think about being in a band?”
Yes, I had, but it was something I’d never admitted to anyone else before. Yeah, there were more women in metal today than ever before, but it still seemed to be a mostly boys’ club. Add to it that many guys in that culture still loved to objectify women. They acted like we lived in the middle ages, like women were theirs for the taking. Would someone like me even be able to hold her own in a business like that?
I knew the answer. So even though I knew I would love it, I shrugged my shoulders and conjured up the most blasé face I could muster. “Nah.” And then I focused on my coffee again.
* * *
Up through finals week, I caught glimpses of Ethan here and there, and he was always with a girl. A different girl to boot. But I just put my mind to studying and trying my best to ignore him.
Brad texted me once in a while, usually just to say a quick hi. He’d tried to connect with me on Facebook, but I’d realized it was too big a timewaster, so I’d been avoiding it since the third week of school. I logged on once in a while but realized it was either Facebook or decent grades. I chose to focus on school work. Still, Brad made the effort to keep in touch. I slipped once and mentioned that Ethan was on his tenth girl of the week, and Brad just texted back that Ethan was like that. And then I didn’t hear much from Brad for over a week, so I realized I needed to keep Ethan talk out of it.
But then finals week was over. The last time Ethan and I had looked each other in the eye and had a conversation was when I’d kicked him out of my dorm room. And the longer the time passed by, the more I hated him for the way he’d just dropped me…like a piece of meat he was no longer interested in. I didn’t understand what the problem was, and it made no sense to me, but we didn’t even have a chance to get sick of each other. He’d just decided he was done with me.
That Thursday night, Zane stopped by my room to say goodbye for the summer. He said Brad had managed to get them some tour dates for the summer throughout Colorado. He wasn’t sure where or when they were yet, but he asked me to keep my eyes open for Fully Automatic in a town near me. I figured the closest they’d come would be Colorado Springs, if they even made it that far. But I would keep my eyes peeled. I was happy that they were starting to enjoy playing to real crowds with real people, and I knew that was all thanks to Brad’s efforts. Secretly, I hoped Ethan would break his hand so he couldn’t play. Then I felt bad for thinking that…and then I justified it with myself that it was okay for me to feel that way, especially considering Ethan loved his stupid guitar more than anything else in the whole world…so for him not to be able to caress it for a few weeks…well, that thought made me smile more than it should have.
Ethan had once said that he never wanted me to hate him. Well, if that were really true, he shouldn’t have asked for it. I was well on my way to fully hating him. Not only had he finished our short-lived romance, but he’d also terminated our friendship in the process. Yeah, I did hate him for that.
The first week I was home, I relaxed. The burden of school was off my shoulders. It was so weird being there. I felt like a fish out of water. Sure, I was welcome there; I was loved there; but it didn’t feel like I belonged there anymore. Really, it didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. But I spent the first week at home kind of settling in and figuring out where I fit now that I was back there.
And then I figured I should start looking for a job. I’d pretty much been a poor college student when I was attending classes, but school took so much effort that getting a job scared me. I wasn’t sure that I could handle both. Now that I understood how school worked, I figured I’d be able to handle it when I returned in the fall.
But that was another problem. I still didn’t know what I should be going to school for. My advisor told me I’d be okay for one more year, because I still had core classes I had to focus on. Until my junior year, I could skate by on general classes. So I tried not to stress out about it. Still…I found it worrisome.
And that second week back at home, as I started putting in applications around town, I realized none of the jobs I applied for sounded interesting at all. I remembered what Brad had said, that any job outside of music sucked. I thought he was right about that. To him, though, music was his life. For me, I loved music, yes, but I hadn’t banked my whole life on it. Hell, I couldn’t even read music without tracing it like Braille and concentrating. But I was still writing my poetry…although I found myself crafting my poems to be more like lyrics now. And then I decided…if I was able to save up enough money by the end of June, maybe I could buy a guitar and lessons to go with it in July. That would make the summer fun and worthwhile.
Being away from Ethan helped my state of mind. Right off the bat, I was away from his intoxicating aura. He wasn’t able to suck me in or hurt me if he wasn’t around. Bu
t there was more to it than that. I was able to think things through better, and I realized that I didn’t hate Ethan, just his attitude. And Brad and I continued the occasional text to each other (and he talked me into getting my ass back on Facebook so I could like his page for Fully Automatic). They had some cool pictures, both color and black and white. I didn’t know who they’d gotten to take their pictures, but it was pretty clear the guys had been studying band pics for years. They had the disinterested and badass stares down pat.
And looking at their pictures also made me wonder about Brad. Being away from him made me aware of the pull he had on me while I was nearby, but it faded when I was away. I wondered why that was. I still considered him a good friend, though, and that didn’t fade with time away.
One day I got a couple of invites from Brad to attend a couple of Fully Automatic shows the third week I was home, one in my hometown and the other in nearby Colorado Springs. Tickets were fairly cheap and both shows were the same weekend, so wherever I got a job, I’d have to request those nights off. And then I wondered—could I bear to see Ethan? And how exactly did I feel about him being in my hometown?
I wrote some lyrics about how Ethan had pretty much ripped my heart in two, and then I wrote some love poems. Finally, I wound up writing another one about unrequited love, about wanting what you can’t or shouldn’t have. The last set of lyrics I loved and hoped the band could use. But since I still wasn’t on speaking terms with Ethan (and doubted I ever would be again), I sent them to Brad to see what he thought.
He messaged me on Facebook. These fucking rock, Val. Where the hell do you come up with this stuff?
I wanted to tell him I came up with those lyrics because of him, but I didn’t say a word. As I said, the pull wasn’t there when he was far away, but I remembered the feelings he’d stirred in me. He asked if he could write music for the lyrics, and I told him to Write away! A week later, he sent me a file with him playing the song fully acoustic, singing the words. I couldn’t quite imagine the song plugged in, but he’d done a great job of putting it to music. I was beginning to believe he was the most talented member of the band, and that was saying something. I was flattered with what he did with the song, so I listened to it over and over. His voice had never sounded better.
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