“Mom, I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’m wasting your money. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and so I don’t have any solid ideas about a major. I thought after a year of attending school, I’d know, but I’m no closer to a decision now than I was a year ago. And I want to do this. It might not be for a lifetime, but I want to do it now. It’s like those kids who travel around the world for a year or two before going to school. I went to school for a year, and now I’m going to try something different. I need to figure out who I am and what I want.”
Mom’s eyes told me she understood but dad…well, he wasn’t convinced. I could tell just by seeing the rigid expression holding his facial muscles in place. He looked at me and then at each of the young men in my group, carefully and quietly assessing them. Finally, he said, “Let me tell you my concern here. I want to know what your intentions with my daughter are.” Oh, Jesus. Of course. I knew that would be where my dad’s mind went, because mine had already been there. His cold eyes stared each one of my bandmates down.
Thank goodness Brad acted as spokesperson. “Mr. Quinn, Valerie and I actually already had a conversation about that earlier this summer. And I’ll be honest with you, even though it probably won’t help my case at all. Valerie and I got a little friendly, but when we invited her to sing for the band, I told her that would be a line that we wouldn’t cross. Relationships and work don’t work, so there’s no way I’m going to ruin my band just because I find her attractive. I want to assure you, sir, that we respect your daughter and value her contribution, and we have and will continue to treat her as one of us. With one exception. We’ll use different bathrooms.”
My mother giggled, but dad was not amused. Still, I could tell that what Brad had said had eased his mind a little bit. “Just so we’re on the same page, there will be no hanky-panky, and one of you so much as touches my daughter without her consent, I will gladly go to prison for the rest of my life for murder.” I noticed I was holding my breath, and I felt myself beginning to blush again because my father just had to go there. But then my mind did a double take. Wait a second. The way he spoke, it was like he was already viewing it as a done deal.
My voice was quieter than I’d meant for it to be when I said, “So you’re saying I can do this, dad?”
He cocked his head to the side, but his expression didn’t budge. I knew my dad well, though, and I saw his eyes soften. “You’re an adult, Valerie. I can’t really tell you what to do anymore. All I can do is give you my advice. I know you’ve already made up your mind, but I need to tell you that I don’t think this is a good idea. Now is the time for you to work on getting a degree and figuring out what you want to do with your life. You said that much yourself. And I don’t know that traipsing around the state singing your loud metal music is going to help in that department.”
I couldn’t stop the smile that was forming on my face, and I couldn’t believe my ears. “So you’re saying I can go?”
That’s when dad smiled back. “Yes, Valerie, you can go. But know you always have a place to come home to.”
* * *
The next two weeks whizzed by as I made preparations for a new life. I had to contact the college and put an end to my involvement there, and then I had packing to do. Brad asked me to head up to Denver with him twice in his hunt for a place to live. He’d already booked more events for September now that he knew we’d be closer to most of the venues and desperate for work.
Everything was expensive, but we managed to find two-bedroom places for low enough prices. We wanted a three-bedroom apartment, but those were out of our price range. I started feeling nervous, because the gigs we’d had up to this point wouldn’t cover our rent, let alone any of the other expenses I knew we’d encounter. Brad texted the guys and let them know we were going to go with a two-bedroom for now, and we’d find a way to make it work. We were lucky enough to find a place that was furnished so we wouldn’t have to buy furniture as well. But one bedroom had a double bed and the other a twin, so we weren’t sure how to work out those details either. It didn’t matter, though. We’d found a place that was central to some of the venues we had already played and would play. We were closer to where the work was.
On the way back home, Brad said, “Guess we’ll have to buy some sleeping bags or cots. The couch looked comfortable.”
I smiled. “Like you said, we’ll make it work. And who knows? Maybe we won’t be there for long.”
He and I had pooled our money for the deposits and first and last months’ rent and also spent some time (and more money) setting up the utilities not covered in the rent. I was nervous and discouraged by the time I got home, but then I thought to myself that if we all had part-time jobs and had regular gigs, we could make it, and maybe we could even look at bigger places down the line.
If Brad was concerned too, he didn’t show it. He oozed confidence, and he was positive we’d have no problems. His attitude helped alleviate some of my stress, because Brad had—in the short time I’d known him—done everything he’d set his mind to. So I trusted him and let go of the worry.
The day came that it was time for me to leave. Brad and the guys had already hauled all of their stuff to the apartment (including the van) the day before, but they said they’d only brought the bare essentials. Their parents—like my own—were okay with them leaving unnecessary items behind, their old rooms becoming storage.
I’d expected Brad to pick me up that Thursday afternoon, but it was Ethan. I’d already told my parents goodbye that morning, and Danny was off doing something with his girlfriend, so it was just Ethan and me putting my things in the back of his truck. I too just brought along what I thought to be essential—some clothes, makeup, music, laptop, writing supplies. I knew space would be limited, so I didn’t want to bring too much along.
As we started the trip, Ethan told me the other guys were spending the day buying things we’d need to set up our home—food, cleaning supplies, and things I’d never thought of, like trashcans, towels, sheets, and things. I didn’t have much money left, and I’d contribute what I could when I got there, but I knew Brad had to be getting to the bottom of his money supply too.
At first, driving down the mountain, Ethan just played the radio, and we didn’t say much to each other. But then he said, “The past few months, I haven’t talked to you much.”
Oh, well, this was a newsflash. “Yeah…”
“We’re good friends, right? Or were good friends?”
“Yeah, I thought so.”
“And we kind of started getting hot and heavy there…and I sort of backed off.”
I nodded and looked out the side window. This was starting to piss me off. I didn’t need to be reminded of what an ass he’d been to me. “Yeah.” There wasn’t much more I wanted to say.
“There’s a reason for that.”
I looked back over at him. “What would that be?”
“I…uh…started to care for you more than I should.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I can’t…shouldn’t. I mean…you’re my muse, Valerie.” Oh, God…there was that fucking word again. “So I shouldn’t touch you. And you seemed so innocent, Val…like an angel. I don’t want to ruin that.”
I started laughing. “Oh, yeah, because metal is full of happy love songs, and everything is all happy and bright and innocent.”
He laughed too. “You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think you get where I’m coming from. Pain is part of life, Ethan, and I’m willing to take chances. It hurt me more than you know when you just decided you were done with me. Don’t you think that hurts more than just letting us explore where our relationship was going?” I was looking at him, waiting to see what he thought. “Even if it ends badly? Isn’t it worth just trying?”
He was quiet for a while. We sped down the road, and I started thinking maybe that was the end of the conversation. But then he said, “Not necessarily.” He looked
over at me. “We were great friends, Val. We go down that road…any way you can keep your heart out of it?”
I wasn’t sure what he was asking. “Why would I want to?”
“So you didn’t get hurt.”
It was my turn to contemplate the conversation. I didn’t like the vibes I was getting from him. “Would that be inevitable?”
He kept his eyes on the road, but I could tell from his expression that there was no humor in his words. “With me…probably.”
I was getting upset. It was like he’d made up his mind that anything between the two of us would end in disaster. “It doesn’t have to be like that, Ethan. It’ll only be like that if you make it that way. And that would be a shitty thing to do.”
That got his attention. I didn’t curse like the rest of the guys did, so when I swore, they noticed. He looked over at me, but it was like he was at a loss for words. “If we’re friends, Ethan, then we move forward from there. And friends care about each other, take care of each other. Our friendship is mutual, isn’t it?” He nodded. “So who says it has to be complicated and calculated? Why can’t nature just take its course? Or is there something else you haven’t told me?”
“No.”
“Then why do we have to be afraid to see where this goes?”
Oh…that hit a nerve. Was he angry? I couldn’t tell, but I wanted to listen carefully to what he said next. “Caution is not the same as fear, Val, and why shouldn’t I worry about what happens to you?”
“Don’t you see that’s what I’m saying, Ethan? In your cautiousness for sparing me, you wound up hurting me worse than if we’d just let things happen.” His jaw was clenched tight. “I don’t care if you don’t want to hear that. If you don’t want to pursue it further, that’s fine. Just say so, but don’t pussyfoot around and then pretend like I’m a hot potato when things get a little warm.” He still hadn’t said a word, so now was my chance to drive it home. “And stop calling me your fucking muse, putting me up on a pedestal. I’m your friend, and I’m a band member. I’m an equal, so please treat me like one.”
He seemed to think about it, and we sat in silence for a while. We still weren’t talking by the time Ethan’s truck made it to the Springs. He said, “You need to stop for anything?”
“Nope. I’m good.”
We were on I-25 heading towards Denver when he started talking again. “So…start fresh then?”
Did he really mean it? He seemed sincere, and I’d felt cheated of his affection from the first moment he’d pulled away. Deep down, yes, I wanted to try it fresh. I wanted a second chance. I wanted to make a real go of it. Rational or not, I loved Ethan. I knew it was stupid, but it didn’t matter. Stupid or not, I wanted him. Part of me knew he was damaged…deeply damaged…and I think that part of me also wanted to try to save him. So, yes, I wanted a fair chance. I nodded. “Yeah.”
We were another few miles down the road when he said, “Am I fucking up anything between you and Brad?”
I felt my eyes grow wide. What the hell had Brad said? Was Brad part of the reason Ethan had shied away from me? “No.” The less I said, the better.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure. There’s nothing there.” Well, that wasn’t true. There was some irrational sexual attraction there that I didn’t think would ever disappear. Love, though? Nope. My feelings for Ethan blinded me to anyone else.
“Does he know that?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
His voice was quiet. “I see the way he looks at you.”
Oh. I didn’t know Brad looked at me a certain way. But we weren’t going there. I refused. “Ethan, whatever happened between Brad and me is over. You heard him say it himself to my dad, and he meant it. He didn’t want a relationship screwing up the band so he instituted a hands off policy. There is nothing there.” Wow…was I protesting too much? Time to shut up, Valerie.
He wasn’t saying much of anything either, and I had no idea what to expect. Little sprinkles hit the windshield as a light rain cooled the early September air. I looked out the window at the gray skies. Finally, he spoke again. “I know it’s really none of my business, but I gotta know. Did you sleep with him?”
I don’t know why I told him. “You’re right. It’s none of your business, but no. We didn’t sleep together.” I sighed. This conversation felt like an exercise in futility. “I’m still a virgin.”
I saw him let the breath out of his lungs, almost like what I’d said was a shock. But then he hit me with a curveball. “So why are you on the pill then?”
My voice probably got higher than I should have let it. “What? How’d you know about that?”
“We toured together enough. I’ve seen you take it once or twice. I’m not an idiot.”
Fair enough. “I wanted to be safe.”
“With Brad.”
I had to be honest. “Yeah, with Brad. We’d…” Shit, this was hard. I looked out the side window again. “Things got a little…heated, and I wanted to be safe.”
“Did I do that to you?”
I felt my cheeks growing hot. “Do what?”
“Make you feel heated?”
“Yeah…you did.”
He seemed satisfied with my answer. We didn’t say anything else the rest of the way to Denver. Throughout the summer, we’d been driving into the city at night, and I’d been dazzled by the bright lights against the dark backdrop. Seeing the city in the daytime, though…floored me. It was huge. I was a small town girl. But Denver…it stretched on and on. To the west, it butted up against the mountains and to the east, it sprawled and stretched as far as my eyes could see. And to the north? I had no idea if the city ever really ended. Yes, I believed Brad was right when he said we’d have so many places to play, we’d never reach the end. Could we get noticed, though? Would we be able to make it? It remained to be seen, but that he had that unshakable faith helped me believe it too. That didn’t, however, make me feel any less overwhelmed by the sight of the metropolis spread forth in front of me.
Ethan navigated the traffic like a pro. It was before rush hour, so even though the traffic seemed crazy to me at the time, it was actually pretty light. After a while, we reached our destination in a small dark parking garage. I was glad to be able to get out of the truck and stretch.
Ethan joined me on the passenger side of the truck. I asked, “How many trips do you think it’ll take us to haul all my crap up to our place?”
He smiled and shrugged. “We’ll make the guys help.” Without warning, he closed the gap between us, his hands on my hips. His touch was aggressive, and I felt breathless. My back was pressed against the warm, smooth side of his truck, and I noticed my hands were cupping his biceps. “I just want to make it clear. Unlike Brad, I didn’t make your dad any promises.” He smothered me in a soul-searching kiss that I felt clear to the tips of my toes. The muscles throughout my body grew taut, aching for his touch. Yes, I wanted Ethan. I’d always wanted Ethan. I loved him and maybe, finally, we could explore the relationship he’d denied us before. As my tongue fought against his and my hands wound through his hair, I at last had hope that we could try.
Chapter Twenty-one
I CAME TO the conclusion that I had been a spoiled, pampered child my entire life. Why? Well, I hadn’t been impressed with my dorm room my freshman year in college, but I hadn’t minded the austere, plain feel of the rooms. After all, I was there to learn, not to feel like I was staying in a resort. But my new digs were anything but comfortable.
I knew I had no right to complain. We had a place that protected us from the elements. Everything inside worked—the shower, the toilet, the lights, the oven, you name it. But it felt old and uncared for. The walls were supposed to be white, but they were dingy. The carpeting in the living room was rust colored. It was worn and had seen better days. The kitchen table was past the point of looking distressed. It was just old. The linoleum in the kitchen had chips and dents in it and, around the stove, there were b
urn holes. The fixtures in the bathroom were all green and looked like they were thirty or forty years old.
I tried to keep a positive attitude, but I could tell the place could get me down. My two pieces of luggage and three boxes sat in a corner of the smaller bedroom, and the five of us met in the living room to discuss our arrangements. I wasn’t a good enough actress to hide my dismay. I hadn’t had enough time to work on hiding how I really felt, and Brad noticed. “What’s wrong, Val?”
I let out a breath. “I know we checked out this place before, and it was all we could afford, but am I the only one who thinks it’s depressing here?”
His smile was gentle. “Yeah…it’s not the greatest. But it’ll be what we make it, right? Besides, we don’t want to spend much time here anyway. We want to be out playing gigs all the time. Am I right?”
I forced a smile back. He was right. I nodded. “Yeah, I know. I’ll get over it.”
“I don’t know how much practice we’ll be able to get in, guys, at least plugged in. We’ll have to check with our neighbors…”
“We don’t have to crank it.”
“It just gonna be harder to write new stuff, but we’ll manage. The big bedroom’s on the corner of the building, so if we’re gonna plug in and practice, I think that’s where we need to.” The guys agreed. “Now…living arrangements. I really think Val should have the little bedroom, the one with the twin bed.”
“That doesn’t seem fair, Brad. There’s one of me and four of you. I can sleep on the couch, and you guys can share the rooms.”
“Bullshit. I promised your dad we’d keep our hands off.”
“That doesn’t mean I need my own bedroom.”
“It does in my mind. You need a place where you can feel safe, where you can have some privacy. You won’t have to worry about one of us walking in while you’re changing clothes or staring at you while you’re sleeping.”
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