I didn’t cry out, although my natural inclination might have been to do just that. I was biting my lip as he pulled himself out. He wasn’t going too slow or too fast, and it didn’t hurt as much as I’d been expecting. I let out the breath I’d been holding in as he rolled onto the bed.
I just lay there, concentrating on my breathing, focusing on relaxing. He removed his condom and then rolled on his side to face me, so I rolled on my side as well. That felt like fresh hell, but I tried not to let it show on my face.
And the look on his face was rare and…beautiful. He looked happy, and that wasn’t a typical look for Ethan. He looked peaceful. He stroked my hair with his hand. “You okay?”
I nodded. The way he was looking at me made everything okay. I smiled at him, letting him know I was fine. “Yeah. Had to be done, right?”
He grinned. “No, not really. You could’ve decided to become a nun. They don’t have to do this, you know.”
I smiled again, sliding my arm under the pillow. “I think in the long run that’d be more painful.”
“How?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to tell him what I was thinking. But I knew now. I’d been experiencing some kind of awakening, and for all I knew, all girls went through it, but maybe I was a late bloomer. Whatever the case, there was a sexual creature inside me that had been trapped, and once she’d discovered there was an escape, she would have pushed to get out. I knew sex wouldn’t ever hurt like tonight again. I knew there was some sort of sensual nirvana waiting for me, some revelation I had yet to discover. Inside, I realized that. And to deny that to myself my entire life would have hurt far worse than the temporary pain I’d endured to pass into womanhood. And I wasn’t kidding myself either. I knew I’d be hurting all night long, but it would soon pass. I looked in Ethan’s green eyes, softer than I’d ever seen them before, and maybe that was due to the shitty lighting in the motel room, but he seemed open and vulnerable then. Part of me wanted to tell him all my thoughts, but I too felt too exposed. And after all we’d been through, another part of me felt like I couldn’t fully trust him. Oh, I wanted to. After all, I’d trusted him with one of the most sacred parts of myself that night. But I wasn’t ready to tell him of my growing self-awareness, of my awakening identity. I didn’t know that I wanted to tell anyone, because I didn’t fully understand it yet. My smile was shy. “I dunno. Could you imagine spending your whole life not having sex?”
He stroked my hair again. “Yeah, but my first time was nothing like that.” He got closer and kissed me on the forehead.
“I’m okay.”
He rested his hand on my neck. There was something in his eyes, but I just couldn’t read it. What the hell was he thinking? “I love you, Val.”
Oh. Oh, wow. Yeah, I loved him back, but for him to say it…and to say it first. Holy crap. Everything I’d ever heard about dysfunctional relationships (which I’d suspected we had) had made me believe I’d be the only one to ever say it, to ever really feel it. But there it was. He’d said it, and it took my breath away. I don’t know that I was able to smile because I was so overwhelmed. But I said it back. “I love you too, Ethan.” And then, seeing how his eyes lit up, I did smile.
He pulled me closer then, holding me in his arms, and after a while, I heard his breathing grow quiet but rhythmic. His chest rose and fell slowly at the same intervals, and I knew he’d gone to sleep. I shifted, but just a little, because every motion below my waist reminded me of the pain that was still with me. I wished he was still awake, because I wanted him, needed him. I wanted to talk to him, but then I realized I also just needed time for me.
I was overwhelmed with so many emotions, the first of which was my feelings of love for this man that had intensified. Before, yes, I had felt love for Ethan, but nothing like this. It was multiplied now and heavy, stretching into the deep caverns of my soul. I wasn’t sure how to process it.
And then I was also almost giddy that I had just made a passage. I was no longer a girl. Truly, I’d been moving to womanhood already. I’d been responsible for my own care for more than a year, what with living on my own at school, but somehow losing my virginity not only symbolized that process but affirmed it.
Lying there thinking about that, I then thought about my dad of all people. I was no longer daddy’s little girl. I was no longer his precious pearl, and he could no longer protect me from the world, from the beauty and wonder nor from the pain and torment. I wondered what he and my mom would think if they knew. I knew from the experiences over the past summer that they trusted me. Whether that was due to realizing that they had to let go and let me make my own mistakes or if they just thought I was a young woman of incredible self-restraint, I didn’t know.
There was no clock in that hotel room, so I had no idea how long I lay there. Ethan rolled over after a long while, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Between them and the pain, I lay awake until what I was sure was early morning…all by myself.
* * *
I heard that annoying ringtone. It wouldn’t stop. And then I realized it was my cell phone on the nightstand next to the bed. By the time I had my bearings and sat up, the ringing stopped.
Oh, the bed was too soft. I didn’t want to get up. I noticed Ethan wasn’t in the bed anymore, and I wondered where he was until I heard him running water in the bathroom. I blinked a few times and picked up my phone to see who was calling. I didn’t recognize the number, so I wasn’t going to worry about it, but then I saw that I had a message. I listened to it and found it was a man from a sub shop I’d applied to the week before, wanting to schedule an interview with me.
I smiled. No, I didn’t want to work for a sub shop, but I did want a job. Sexually, I might have started my journey to womanhood less than twenty-four hours ago, but in terms of worries and the need to survive, I’d become a full-fledged adult the week before. A job, no matter what kind of job it was, would make me feel like I had more control over my destiny. Until we were earning serious money making music (which might never happen), I wanted a backup plan, and I was starting to wonder why I was the only one—aside from Brad, of course—who seemed concerned about it.
I decided I’d call when we got back to the apartment. I wasn’t anywhere near being in a state of mind that would allow me to sound professional or capable. I was still half asleep and emotionally charged.
Ethan came out of the bathroom. “Was that your phone?”
“Yeah. I need to schedule a job interview.” I stood up…slowly. I felt better than I had the night before, but the pain was still raw. I’d want to take my time, but I wanted to brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on some clothes. Yes, clothes first. My body wasn’t used to being bare, and the air on my skin felt strange. I found my bag on a chair near the front door and picked it up.
“You okay, Val?”
I stood up and smiled. “Yeah, I’m fine. What about you?”
As I made my way toward him (and the bathroom door behind him), he met me halfway. “I’m fine, but I didn’t go through what you did. Maybe we should get you some Tylenol or something.”
I let out a small chuckle. “I’ll be fine.”
He grabbed me around the waist. Unlike me, Ethan had jeans on again. And, truth be told, he didn’t know how desperate I was to get clothes on. He kissed me on the forehead. He looked worried. “You sure?”
“Yes. I just want to get cleaned up a little.”
While in the bathroom, in spite of the discomfort, I allowed my mind to drift back to the night before. I knew it was an experience I wouldn’t soon forget. I’d seen a side of Ethan that I’d never seen before and that, frankly, I doubted very many people ever had or would. It was a sweet, tender side, one that was okay with being a little vulnerable. I didn’t anticipate seeing it very often either. That was all right, though, because I’d seen it and wanted to hold that memory in my heart.
And, so, while I brushed my teeth and finger-combed my hair, I found myself smiling more and more. I was
glad I’d done it and glad it was with Ethan. Somehow, I knew this was just the beginning of a beautiful journey.
Chapter Twenty-three
I WAS LOOKING out the windshield at the red light. Ethan had asked if I wanted any breakfast. I told him I didn’t, but coffee would be great, so he’d just pulled into a drive-through at a McDonald’s and ordered two coffees. I was blowing on it because it was crazy hot, even with the creamers I’d poured in.
“Hey…I wanted to ask you about something.” God, he was beautiful in the sunlight filtering through the windshield. His eyes looked like a paler green than they usually did, and he had gorgeous stubble on his face.
I was still in a partial dream state. “Hmm?”
“How would you feel…” His foot touched the accelerator to start the truck rolling through the green light. “Uh…how’d you feel if we just kinda kept it low key for a while?”
I cocked my head and looked at him. “What do you mean?”
“Just…with all of us under the same roof. Just…I think maybe we shouldn’t say anything to the guys for a while.”
“Oh…you mean…about us?”
“Yeah.”
I thought about it for a few moments. “Why?”
“Why not? If we make a big deal about it, then they’ll give us shit about it.”
“So?”
“So…I’m not in the mood to deal with it.” He sighed. “Wouldn’t it just be nice to explore things without being under scrutiny?”
“You think it would really be that way?”
He grinned and looked at me. “Let’s just say I’ve known these guys a lot longer than you have.” He turned the corner at the next block and said, “Besides, I don’t really want to slap Brad in the face with this right now.”
I thought I was okay with that. I was still in a state of hormone-induced happiness. As long as I knew we had days, weeks, months ahead of us to explore our relationship, he could be as under the radar as he wanted. And he was right. I too didn’t want to have that awkward exchange with Brad…even though the guy had seen it coming a mile away.
And it wasn’t hard, at least not right then. Brad wasn’t even there when we got to the apartment, and the other two guys were still sleeping. Ethan squeezed my hand and then I walked to my room. I wanted to shower. I felt like I needed it. As I unpacked the bag, I came across the bottle of vodka Ethan had barely touched, and I set it on the kitchen table before I went into the bathroom. Ethan was nowhere to be found, so I thought maybe he was in the big bedroom doing something—composing music, maybe.
I felt free and alive as I stepped into the tub…except for that one area, but even that was starting to feel a little more normal. I didn’t know if I should just rest and take it easy or if I should push through the pain. I knew I didn’t want to walk around the neighborhood, though, but I’d let life dictate what I’d have to do, based on a tiny phone call.
When I got out of the shower and into clothes, I called the manager of the sub shop. Lucky me. He scheduled the interview for the next day, so I decided to take it easy and hope my body felt better the next day. I lay on my bed, writing out new lyrics, and drifted off to sleep, and I knew it was because I hadn’t slept well the night before. When I awoke later, I heard Nick, Zane, and Ethan talking in the kitchen, so I got up. I debated about going out there and then decided to walk as normally as I could, and our place was small enough that I thought I could pull it off.
Zane was talking. “I think he actually started work today.”
“That’s stupid. He’s set up so many fucking dates for us to play, if he’s working too, when does he plan to practice?”
“You know Brad. He’ll figure it out.”
Ethan said, “Nick, you should talk to him. You’re always able to reason with him.”
“The fuck I am. That’s your bag, Ethan. Brad does what Brad wants.” Nick looked at me and acted guilty that I’d overheard him. He shouldn’t have, though, because I knew that Nick—although quiet—didn’t say to Ethan and Zane anything he wouldn’t say to Brad. Nick might have been quiet most of the time and obnoxious and out of control when drinking, but he’d always seemed upfront and honest in all his dealings with his friends. So I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders and sat at the other empty chair at the table.
“It’s probably my turn to cook dinner, right?”
Zane shrugged. “Hell if I know, and the slave driver’s not here to tell us who’s supposed to do it.”
That was enough. We hadn’t been living together long enough to start getting on each other’s nerves and holding grudges yet. I wondered to myself if it was pack behavior and since Brad, the guy who seemed most likely to be the alpha, wasn’t there to keep the dogs in check, they were yipping at each other. “Hold it, now. Brad’s just trying to find a way to make sure we all do our fair share without getting into fights about it.” Zane sneered at me. “Would you rather do it all yourself?”
He raised his eyebrows. “No.”
“Then shut the fuck up already.”
His raised eyebrows told me my words had had the effect on him I’d hoped. If he had that big a problem with it, I thought he should talk to Brad about it instead of complaining behind his back. And I actually appreciated that Brad was trying to keep some kind of order in our small home. I knew he’d already known what to expect from his friends, and he was trying a preemptive strike to prevent misunderstandings and spats. Zane started laughing. “Jesus, Val. When the hell did you get so mouthy?”
I wanted to tell him he had no idea…that I’d done a lot of growing up recently. But I wasn’t going to. “Got your attention, didn’t I?” He shrugged but acted like he was done complaining. “So I’ll cook dinner. What all do we have?”
“Your meal…you figure it out.”
I let out a laugh and shook my head. The guys started talking about music and wound up going into the big bedroom to play out a couple of songs Ethan had been working on, leaving me to my own devices in the kitchen. I was glad, because then I didn’t have to worry about anyone noticing I wasn’t one-hundred percent yet. We didn’t have much in the way of groceries, and I’d never been much of a cook, so I wasn’t sure what I could make. I needed to buy a cookbook.
For now, though, I had to make do with what we had. I found potatoes, hamburger, lettuce, and tomatoes, and a couple of packets of brown gravy, so I made (kind of) Salisbury steak, baked potatoes, and salad. I determined then and there that for the nights I was cooking, I’d do the shopping myself and look for recipes online. I already missed my mom’s cooking.
The guys liked it, though, and that was good enough for me.
I hated sitting so close to Ethan and not being able to touch him or stare at him or even talk to him about our secret. I longed for the day when we could be open about it, and I hoped it was sooner rather than later.
I slept alone that night, but I thought about Ethan the entire time.
The next day I had my interview at the sub shop that was just three and a half blocks from our apartment building. I did okay, but I was even happier that I wasn’t having a hard time walking. I was still a little sore but nothing like I’d been the day before. After my interview, the manager told me he’d call me by the next day if he decided to hire me.
We had three shows the next weekend, all in the same area of the city, and we hadn’t played anything new in a while. Ethan, Zane, and Nick ran a song past Brad and me. It was different, but it was hard and heavy, and it was fantastic. Ethan asked, “Think you can pen some words to it pretty quickly?”
“How quickly?”
“By our next show?”
“Well…probably…but getting it down is another story. We’ll need to practice it together some like we always do.”
Brad was quiet. “I need some time too…unless you’re wanting me out of this one, man.”
I saw something in Ethan’s eyes, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was. There was a flash, and I knew Brad saw it too, but then it faded.
“Nah. I’m just excited to play this one.”
Brad took it in stride. “Me too. It’s fuckin’ awesome. Good stuff. Maybe we could shoot for next weekend.”
We all agreed that would be the best idea. I wanted to know what was going on between Ethan and Brad, but I thought I’d let it go. I suspected I was part of the problem, and I really didn’t want to be. As much as I was growing to care about Ethan as a lover, I had begun to love Brad as a friend. Out of all the men in the band, he understood me best, and we’d always gotten along. I never wanted there to be anything awkward between us. And that too was part of the reason I didn’t care for keeping my thing with Ethan under wraps. It felt dishonest. But I knew that Ethan and Brad were like brothers, and Ethan probably wanted to tell Brad when he was ready.
That night I lay in bed working out words to the new music. It was in my head rolling around, so I tried thinking of some good lyrics, but I knew I’d need a good night’s sleep to really solidify my ideas. I’d want to work with the guys on that some the next day, but I also wanted to do more job seeking. Sure enough, Brad had already found a part-time job working in another oil-changing place, just like he’d done back home. I felt bad, though, because it seemed like Brad was doing everything.
Those were my thoughts when I finally shut off the light and lay my head on my pillow to sleep. A few minutes later, though, I heard a slight tapping on my door. Before I could even get out of bed, Ethan peeked in the door. He whispered, “Care if I come in for a few minutes?”
“No…that’s fine.” He left the light off and closed the door quietly behind him. “You can turn the light on.”
I heard him getting closer. “No. I’m good.” He felt for the bed and I sat up. “I’m just gonna lay down next to you. Can I get under the covers?”
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