by Natalie Ann
“He was. He was already gone at that point. I knew it. I felt it inside. It was like something was ripped out of me that night. First Bethany and then Greg. His blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. He had drugs in his system, too. I knew he smoked pot and I hated it, but he mixed it with drinking that night.”
“So you blame yourself for that, too?” Zach said, walking over to her and pulling her into his arms.
“Yeah. We fought. He stormed out and went and got drunk. He’d done it before after we’d fought. We fought a lot. He was known to drive after drinking, too. I always yelled at him over it. I always took his keys if I could. I knew he’d had too much to drink at the party to begin with…but I was so mad over his arm around that girl, I didn’t even think to call him back. I was glad he was leaving. I was too mad to even look at him.”
“Amber, that is a huge amount of guilt to carry around. Why haven’t you ever sought counseling or talked to anyone?”
“Zach. What do I say? Do you think I want people to know what a horrible person I am? That I was a jealous girlfriend that caused her fiancé to get drunk and drive, and pressured her best friend into getting drunk while I drowned my own sorrows? I was just as drunk that night, why didn’t anything bad happen to me?”
“So you’ve got survivor’s guilt on top of everything else.”
“You could say that. I’ve never felt I deserve to have that happy ending that neither of them can have. Why did I come out okay and they didn’t?”
“You’re far from okay, Amber. I think it’s time you stop punishing yourself for something that wasn’t in your control. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes, but you didn’t tell Greg to get behind the wheel of that car. You didn’t hold Bethany’s head and pour the drinks down her throat. You didn’t take advantage of her when she was passed out.”
“I was the catalyst that made it all happen.”
He hugged her tighter, wiped a tear from her cheek, and kissed her softly. “I can’t believe you’ve carried this burden on your shoulders alone for so long.”
“I’ve known no other way. Why burden other people? Why let everyone think as badly about me as I already did myself?”
“So you’ve kept it locked inside?”
“Yeah. Until now.”
Keeping Me Going
Zach wasn’t sure what to think. First and foremost, he knew Amber was hurting and he was helpless.
“I’m sorry you haven’t felt there was anyone in your life you could have talked to about this.”
“I don’t think there ever was. It’s not like I could tell my parents. That would just be more fuel for my mother to say what a horrible person I am. I didn’t need her to add to what I was heaping on myself. I told you how she’d feel if she even knew about Greg…if she knew the events of that night, it doesn’t bear thinking about.”
“You aren’t a horrible person,” he said, kissing her forehead. “Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.”
“Zach, Greg died because I was too wasted to even know where he was that night. Because I didn’t even care, if you want to know the truth. I was glad he was gone. I was glad he walked out and let me be by myself. I knew deep down it was over between him and me, but at that moment, all I wanted to do was get drunk and I didn’t want to do it alone. So I pressured my best friend to do it with me, and now her life is ruined.”
“That’s not your fault. I just don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. Why won’t you believe it?”
“See, the thing is…in the last several months I started to really look at my life. I started to look at what happened years ago. And I’ve started to realize that maybe you’re right. But I can’t get to a point to fully believe it. For months, I held my jealousy in whenever you went home because I didn’t know what you were doing.”
“Why didn’t you say anything to me about it?”
“And annoy you that I was insecure? It was better this way. Because the longer I was with you, the more I realized it was my issue and not yours. The more I figured it out on my own.”
“So in your guilt over not controlling a situation, you’ve prevented yourself from ever falling in love again?” he asked. Probably not the best time to bring up love, but then again, when was a good time? “Of never letting yourself open up to a relationship again? Don’t think I don’t know that though you’ve got friends, you don’t have best friends. You don’t have a close friendship like I’ve got with Nick.”
“Paying for my sins, my mother would say.” She sniffled a little.
“Since when do you listen to what your mother says?”
“Good point.”
“Really, Amber. I’m sorry for what you went through years ago. I’m sorry it happened to you, and that you’ve lived with it for so long. I’m even sorry that it held you back. But I’d be lying if I said I was sorry you haven’t found someone else because of it. You see, I’m a jealous, selfish person, too. And though I hate what you just told me—I hate that it happened to you, and I hate that you’ve lived with it for so long—part of me is glad you never found another person before.”
“Why’s that?” she asked, leaning back and looking at him.
He wiped another tear from her cheek. “Because then we wouldn’t have met. And I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you.”
She sucked in a breath. “Do you? Do you really love me? How can you know for sure? How could you possible love me after what I just told you?”
“I just do. All those days and sleepless nights I’ve had in the last few months. Just spending my time waiting for your call. I know that what I feel for you is nothing I’ve ever felt for anyone before. It’s nothing I want to feel with anyone other than you. It’s what I’ve been searching for my whole life, and never knew. When you were gone that morning in Vegas, it felt like part of me was cut out. If that isn’t love, then I’ve got no idea what is. Love doesn’t judge, and I’m not judging you. I want to help you.”
“You’ve never said that before. About how you felt in Vegas.”
“No, I haven’t. I didn’t even realize what those feelings were until recently. Not everything together. Not putting it all together in my mind. Until I realized that every time the two of us say goodbye to each other, I feel the same way I did back then when I woke up and you were gone. The only thing keeping me going is knowing I’ll get to see you again.”
“Based on that logic, then it seems I love you too.”
She cracked a smile and it felt as if his chest was ripped wide open, his heart bursting at the seams. “So you need my logic to know how you feel?”
“No. I think I’ve been drifting this way for a while. I think deep down I saw you as someone I could fall in love with in Vegas, but told myself I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve a chance at happiness. That I didn’t deserve you. And then I asked myself—why not? I just couldn’t get there fully. I feel like opening up and telling you just now was like a crack of sunshine peeping through the fog.”
“Because of that stupid guilt?” he asked, feeling his blood pressure rising. “You’re going to let something that happened to you in college affect the rest of your life? Affect how you live your life or who you might live it with?” He thought she was smarter than that.
“I’m trying not to. I’m having a hard time getting past it, though. I don’t know what to do to move on. But I want to move on. I want that sun to burn away all that fog. That’s why I haven’t been myself lately. I see everything happening with us, and I remember so much from the past and I can’t reconcile the two.”
“Just keep believing in me. Believing in yourself. You made a mistake. Something horrible happened that was beyond your control. Something horrible happened to Bethany and to Greg. Something horrible happened to you, too. You’re right—three lives were ruined that night. But you’re still living. You still have a chance to turn it around. Why aren’t you taking it?”
***
She’d never thought of i
t that way. That maybe she wasn’t to blame as much as she thought. That what happened that night was something she’d never forget—it was by far the worst night of her life and always would be—but why couldn’t she find the strength to move on?
“I don’t know. I guess I’ve never known any other way. As much as it pains me, there is a part of me that is like my mother in that sense. All of those years of listening to her tell me that I was raised better than that sunk in. Told me that I was wrong and she was right. That I’d pay for my sins…and I am.”
“There is no right or wrong when it comes to those things. There are mistakes for sure. But making mistakes in life and then putting a self-imposed guilt on your shoulders over them doesn’t make sense, either. It just makes you a martyr.”
“Wow, that’s harsh.”
“Maybe I need to be to get you to see. To get you to understand. To get you to move on.”
“I don’t know. I want to be mad with what you just said. But the problem is, we just said we love each other. So it’s conflicting to declare our love and then be pissed at you at the same time.”
He had the audacity to laugh at her. “Maybe you need a swift kick in the ass right now, too.”
“I’ve been told that a lot in my life.”
“Don’t compare me to your parents. Whatever you feel, whatever happens, I’m not them. You aren’t them.”
“And now I’ve pissed you off,” she said, stepping back and picking up her wine. So much for the conflicting emotions. She saw that she’d just crossed the line.
“Yeah. You did. But you know what? I can get pissed off and not make you feel guilty about it. I can get pissed and not drown my sorrows, either.”
“Again, that’s a low blow.” She’d never seen this side of him before.
“It sure is,” he said. “It might not be the last one I give you, either. If you want to end this, then tell me and I’ll go stay the night at Nick’s until we can cool off.”
“End what?” she asked frantically, her eyes popping out of her head.
“This conversation,” he said quickly. “Not us. Not our relationship. I’m not someone who says I love you and then turns around and says I’m done. Seriously Amber, I’ve never seen you like this. I’ve never seen or thought you’d be this insecure or unsure about anything.”
“Sorry,” she said, more tears falling. “I don’t know what to think right now. And as much as I want to say yes, we need to cool off, I’d rather keep talking. I’d rather we get to the end of this and then move on. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I’ve made before.”
“Me too. See, that’s honesty. I don’t like to go to bed mad. I don’t want to fight at all, but life doesn’t work that way.”
“Unfortunately, no.”
He started to laugh. “You know, Nick told me earlier that we were out of the honeymoon phase. I didn’t realize it until right now. Our first fight and all.”
She snorted. “Honeymoon phase. Please, why would he say that?”
He lifted an eyebrow. “Look at us right now.”
“Point taken. Here’s the deal, Zach. I acknowledge I’m messed up. I’ve had a messed-up life and upbringing. I’ve got a mother who thinks I’m never good enough and will probably rot in hell because I didn’t conform to her beliefs. She may never say those words to me, but I know her enough to know her thoughts. She’s been so strong in those beliefs that she’s made me believe it myself for so long.”
“You aren’t giving your mother enough credit.”
“Really? You want to talk about mothers right now?”
“Whoa,” he said. “You shoot below the belt when you’re pissed. That’s good to know.”
“Sorry,” she said again. She didn’t lose her temper often anymore, but when she did, she’d been known to play dirty.
“Don’t be. It’s best I know these things about you now. We’re going to fight. We’re going to disagree. And we both have had messed-up childhoods that have misguided us in life. If we can’t openly and honestly deal with it and each other, then why bother, right?”
She listened to what he said, then processed it. “Makes sense. What do you want to do when you’re done fighting?”
He tilted his head. “Well, if I’m going to be honest, then I’d say once the fight is resolved, I’m thinking make-up sex is the way to go.”
“Let’s head to the bedroom,” she said, grabbing his hand.
“No. It’s not resolved. Don’t distract me.”
“It was worth a try,” she said dryly.
“And that would be avoidance,” he said. “Do you do that often?”
“I’m a master at avoidance. I’d think you’d know that by now.”
He looked at her funny. “Vegas,” he said. “It all goes together, doesn’t it?”
“I told you it did.”
“So when the going gets tough, you run?”
“It seems that way,” she said sadly.
“Then fair warning. I’m fast and I’ll find you. There aren’t many places you can hide from me now.”
It was exactly what she needed to hear. “Then fair warning. When I get really ticked, I tend to curse and swear. I’ve also been known to throw a thing or two.”
He pulled her forward and wrapped his arms around her, then held on tight, looked in her eyes, and kissed her softly. “I love you, Amber. You’re hurting and you’re hiding, but it’s got to stop.”
“It does. I know. Will you help?”
“I’d like to think I already am.”
“You are,” she said, softly. “You most certainly are.” She lay her head on his shoulder and just started to sob. All the tears she’d wanted to shed for years seemed to fall at that moment.
For Bethany. For Greg. For her, and for her mother who’d never think she was good enough.
More Space
“This really sucks,” Amber said into the phone Sunday night.
Zach sighed and leaned back on his couch. “Yep, it does.”
“You haven’t even been gone half a day and I miss you already. Why do I miss you so much?”
He laughed. “Because you love me,” he said.
“Yeah, I do. I didn’t realize this would be part of it, though.”
“What’s that?” he asked, wondering where she was going with her thoughts.
“That it would hurt so much with you gone.”
“Even after our fight on Thursday night, you can still say that?”
“That wasn’t a fight,” she said. “And we made up for it that night, then Friday, and Saturday, and even before you left this morning.”
“Having trouble sitting?” he asked, grinning. She always complained about that after he left, yet she was always as eager as him when they reunited.
“Just a little. I’m soothing that ache right now.”
He sat up a little straighter. “Are you in the tub?”
She giggled. “No.”
“Then how are you soothing it?”
“I’m lying on my back, my feet over the back of the couch. Nothing touching sore parts at the moment.”
He always found it funny when she sat like that on furniture. Like she couldn’t get comfortable and just moved around until she did. She always said he was antsy, but she was just as much.
“Maybe a nice warm bubble bath will help. You can go run the water while we chat,” Zach said.
“I’m good for now. Maybe later, though. I’ll text you a picture if I do.”
“Now you’re just being a tease.”
“I am. You like it when I play with you.”
He yawned and covered his mouth quickly, then said, “I really do. It’s like you were made to be my personal tease.”
“So what do you have planned for this week?” she asked him.
They’d never ended up getting to chat as much as he’d wanted. They’d both worked on Friday. Then Friday night, they rented a movie and snuggled under the blanket on the couch and put the outside world from
their minds. Saturday, they visited Rene and the baby at Nick’s. He got his fill of his nephews this week and couldn’t have been happier. Rene said she was just happy to get out of the house so Cole could finish their kitchen.
“I’m flying to Baltimore on Tuesday and meeting Nick there.”
“What’s in Baltimore? I’ve realized that we never really talk much about our jobs.”
“I spend enough time working that I don’t want to talk about work when we’re together, not in depth. Nick is opening another satellite office outside of Baltimore. Just a small one. He’s branching out in the market with apps personalized by companies to use with employees. One of his cousins is going to run it.”
“Why do you need to go, then?”
“Because I run the operations of NB Innovations. Everything has to be set up a certain way and Nick and I are interviewing staff while we’re there. We’re trying to talk Caleb into coming, too.”
“How long are you going to be there?”
“Until the end of the week, then I’ll be back in Richmond. I’m trying to clear my schedule and see if I can get to Lake Placid two weeks after that. If you want me back that soon.” He left it hanging, hoping she jumped.
And she did. “I do. I’d like that. But can you do that? I mean you were gone this week, then you will be gone next week.”
“I’m gone a lot. It’s what I do. I oversee all the branches. I’m just based out of Richmond as it’s our corporate headquarters.”
“Oh.”
There was silence on the other end. “What’s going on in your head, Amber? Does the travel bother you?”
“Not really. I like that you can get here as often as you do. It just seems you’re never in one place for long.”
“I’m not. Which is why it’s okay I’m where Nick is right now. We got more done this week being together then we do in a month when we’re apart.”
“So that’s a good thing?”
Again with the hesitation. “Yes. I think Nick really does want me there more right now. At least until we get this other location up.”
