by ADAMS, J.
Adagio smiles, wiping at the tears that come. “It would mean a lot to me if you would come.”
“I will get the arrangements made and be there as soon as I can.”
“Grazie, Sam.” He appreciates the sacrifice his friend is making more than he can say.
After Adagio ends the call, he goes back in to Cisely and sits on the edge of the bed. Her back is turned to him, but her breathing is deep and he is grateful she has finally drifted off. She hadn’t slept last night, and he hadn’t either. Leaning over her, he presses a kiss to her forehead, then stands and walks to the door, turning for a moment to gaze at her slender form once more. He’s been doing his best to comfort her, but for the first time in their marriage, his presence seems to make no difference to her and nothing he says seems to help. He is beside himself as to what to do. She continues to slip further into despair and it is becoming harder to hold himself together.
Cisely has been in bed the entire day. She seems to have no strength to even function and Adagio has never seen her so distanced from the world. He decides to keep his distance for a while and give her some space, but by evening he is so worried about her, he doesn’t know what to do. He had prayed throughout the day for a way to help her and is again on his knees when the answer finally comes to him. Taking Cisely’s address book from her purse, he quickly looks up Jessica’s phone number. If ever there was a time Cisely needed Jessica it is now. He slips into the other room and dials her number, becoming a little emotional when he hears her voice.
Fifty-nine
Ciao, Jessica.” “Adagio, my boy! What a wonderful surprise! How are you? And how is Cisely?”
“She is . . .we are . . .” Adagio can’t continue as emotion overtakes him.
“Adagio! Adagio, what is it? What has happened?”
He hates that he can’t keep himself from falling apart. He should be stronger than this, but he has no strength left. When he is finally able to pull himself together, he tells Jessica where they are and about Phillip’s kidnapping, and then waits quietly as Jessica cries. He knows she loves their children as if they were her own grandchildren, and the thought of Phillip being out there somewhere with someone as evil as Gladys hurts her terribly.
“How is Cisely?” she asks, the emotion in her voice under control.
He sighs, wiping at the fresh stream of tears. “She is not good, Jessica. I try to comfort her, but she is in so much pain, she won't let me near her. I don't know what to do. Ingo is also having a hard time. I don't know how we will make it through this.”
“You will make it. It will be hard, but I promise you will. I am going to try and get a flight out tomorrow. I want to be there to help in any way I can.”
Adagio heaves a grateful sigh. “Thank you, Jessica. I think Cisely really needs you right now. One of our good friends is coming as well, but it still won't be the same for her as having you come.”
“Tell Cisely I love her and everything will be all right.”
“I will. I know having you come will mean a lot to her.”
After talking for a few more moments, Adagio hangs up, grateful for the inspiration to call Jessica. He hopes her being there will make a difference. He only wishes he didn’t feel so helpless. All he can do for his son is pray, and all he can do for his wife is be there for her.
He sits with Ingo for a while, watching him color in the new coloring books he’d bought for him earlier. He also purchased an assortment of toys and puzzles, trying to find things to keep their son busy and his mind occupied. Ingo has said very little since Phillip’s disappearance and Adagio is worried about him as well.
Wishing he had something to occupy his own thoughts, Adagio leans back on the sofa and rubs his tired eyes as a different sadness fills him. His heart is heavy, his soul wearied, and it is taking all his strength to keep from breaking down again. He is handling his emotions the best he can. He thinks about Jessica coming to stay with them and her willingness to be there for Cisely, and he is again grateful.
Even still, he wishes with all his heart he could be the one to comfort Cisely. He is her husband and it is his place. And right now, he desperately needs comfort from her.
Sixty
One month later Staring through the large bedroom window, I absently finger the silky green drapes. Until Phillip is found, we will not leave the country or even the state. After a few days of looking for a place to live, we bought a lovely and spacious condo in Biltmore Forest. I find it ironic that I am now temporarily living in an area I spent so much time dreaming about when I was younger. Under different circumstances I would thoroughly enjoy my surroundings, but I am no longer able to find much joy in anything.
Even after a month, the police still haven’t come up with any leads and are no closer to finding Phillip. I continue to go through the motions of thinking positively, but my faith is so shaken, I feel utterly lost and nothing can comfort me. Various people we met at the wedding occasionally stop by and offer their support, bringing food and kind words. I appreciate their efforts, but no amount of comfort can soothe my aching heart.
Adagio manages to get through the days, but it is hard. He continually prays his son is okay and will return soon, but he also prays for his wife to return to him as well. She has been so distant and he misses her more than he can say. He misses the closeness they shared. He misses holding her, being loved by her. This whole ordeal is beyond painful and he needs her love and strength to help him through this, and he desperately wants to comfort her.
Jessica’s presence does help to make things better for Ingo, but sadly, it does little to comfort Cisely. Still, Adagio can tell she is grateful Jessica is there, and so is he. He is also grateful for the week Sam was there. He had needed good friends more than he realized, and he appreciated Sam's love and support.
Adagio does his best to fill the void that both Phillip’s absence and Cisely’s distance leave in him by keeping busy with little projects around the house, as well as trying to do what he can to help locate their son. Whenever he is engaged in the latter, Cisely eagerly does what she can to help him. Those are the only times they seem to be able to connect. But he needs more than that.
I see the pain I am causing my husband every time I look into his sad eyes, but I don’t know how to stop. I can’t handle my own pain enough to comfort him. I try to pray for strength to be of some comfort, but how can I help him when I can’t even help myself?
I turn slightly as Adagio enters our bedroom and closes the door, then my gaze returns to the window, though I look at nothing in particular. Our bedroom window faces the back of the condo, which is totally wooded. The only view is a forest full of trees, with the exception of a squirrel or two on the window ledge every now and then. I've even spotted a deer once. Under different circumstances I might go exploring in the beautiful woods. At another time I would find the prospect romantic. But I won’t allow my heart to soften enough to delve into such simplicities. I can’t. I tense slightly as Adagio moves beside me.
“Velma and Ted took Ingo to the mall. Jessica went with them.”
“That was nice of them,” I say, grateful for all they do to help.
When Velma and Ted came back from their honeymoon and were told what happened, Velma couldn’t stop crying. She couldn’t believe her mother could do something so cruel. She knew Gladys hated me and blamed me for all the things that went wrong in her life. She even knew her mother blamed me because she moved out and found happiness, but like me, she could never have imagined Gladys was far gone enough to kidnap our child as a way to exact revenge.
Velma immediately began to blame herself, despite Adagio and I doing our best to assure her none of it was her fault. She couldn’t have known how deeply her mother’s hatred was embedded, and even if she had, there was still no way Velma could stop Gladys from doing whatever she wanted. And what she wanted was to punish me. Sadly, I know Gladys better than Velma, despite the miserable years she lived under her mother’s rule. She and Ted come o
ver every other day and always try to help in any way they can.
My uncle, Pete, and his wife, Dona, have also started coming by a couple of times a week. They feel terrible about everything, including the way they treated me in the past. They offered no excuses, they simply asked me to forgive them. Though I had forgiven them in my heart a long time ago, I'm thankful for the chance to tell them. And despite the sadness that fills me, I'm grateful for the opportunity to get to know them better.
“I guess I should go and prepare something for lunch,” I finally say, breaking the silence. “Ingo will probably be hungry when he gets back.”
Adagio reaches for my hand and stops me. “Lunch can wait, amore. I really think we need to talk.” His voice is soft and full of longing.
“About what?” I ask, trying to hold on to the distance that feels so safe.
“About us. About our son.”
I lower my eyes. “Our son is gone. There’s nothing to talk about.” When I try to pull my hand away, he holds it firmly. I manage to keep my voice calm, but a familiar turmoil fills my heart. “What do you want from me?”
Adagio struggles to bite back an angry retort and control the emotional anger now hovering close to the surface. Lifting Cisely's chin with his free hand, he forces her to look into his eyes. He clearly sees the emotional struggle in hers, but he needs to say this.
“I miss you, Cisely. I desperately miss my wife. And right now I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life. I hate this feeling and I don't want to do this alone anymore. I can't.” He waits for her to say something. When she doesn’t, his frustration works its way to the surface. “Say something! Say anything!” His voice softens as he moves his hand to her cheek, caressing it softly. “Tell me you miss me too.”
Freeing my hand from his, I turn away as tears flood my eyes and spill down my cheeks. “I’m sorry, but . . . I don’t have anything to give you right now.” I know I'm not being fair to him, but I can’t seem to break through the wall I've built around myself.
He heaves a sorrowful sigh, tears filling his eyes. Wiping them before they can fall, he slowly moves to the door. When he turns back, my eyes meet those of a broken man–and I know it is my fault.
“Cisely, you have so much to give, but you will not give it, and you won't let me get close enough to comfort you in any way. I have tried, but I can't force you to accept my comfort, and I can't force you to give it. I shouldn't even have to. And I am not talking about a physical need, but an emotional one.” When I say nothing, he again sighs sadly.
“Cisely, I know your heart is aching, and I know the pain is unbearable thinking about our son and what he must be going through. I know this because I go through exactly the same emotions every minute of every day. I can't heal your heart and I can't take the pain away. All I can do is be your husband and love you. But you have to let me. You have to let me into your heart.”
He wipes his eyes once more. “I need you, Cisely, more than I have ever needed anything in my life, and I know you need me, too. Handling this alone is killing me, but I haven't had a choice. When you can finally see that you need my comfort as much as I need yours, let me know . . . and I will be here.”
I press my face in my hands, not able to say anything, and unable face him right now. When I finally hear the door open and then close, I look up. Adagio has left, leaving me to tearfully ponder his words.
Velma and Ted drop Jessica and Ingo off just as Adagio comes through the front door. He thanks them before they leave, appreciating every effort they make to help. He smiles as Jessica walks up.
“Did you have a good time?” Adagio asks, kneeling down to hug Ingo.
“Yes, Papa,” his son answers, holding out his new action figures for Adagio to see.
“Wow! Those are pretty cool!”
“I got this, too,” he says. Opening his bag, he pulls out a gray teddy bear in a little white and black tuxedo. “I got this for Mama. Maybe it will cheer her up and help her feel better.”
Adagio gives him a teary smile. “I think Mama will love it. You should go in and give it to her.”
“Okay,” he says, his innocent smile shining some light into his father's heart.
Jessica squeezes Ingo’s shoulder. “Why don’t you go on in and show her your treasures. I will be in in a few minutes, okay?
“Okay.”
Jessica closes the door after him, then motions for Adagio to sit with her in one of the cushioned chairs on the porch. “How are you?” she asks, squeezing his hand gently.
He releases a weary sigh. “I don't know, Jessica. I haven't felt so alone since before we were married.” He pauses, rubbing his eyes. “I am so tired, and I am trying with everything in me to have faith that we will get Phillip back, but . . .”
“But?” Jessica presses.
“It would be so much easier to deal with this if I didn't feel like I have lost my wife, too.” He heaves a frustrated sigh, tugging a hand back through his hair. “She is so far away from me, Jessica, and I don't know how to bring her back. I know she is in pain, but I am, too. I miss her so much. We should be helping each other through this, but I can't even get near her. Each time I try she just pulls away.”
Jessica sits quietly for a moment, waiting for inspiration, which quickly comes. “I would like to share some thoughts with you if that’s okay.”
“Of course,” Adagio says, willing to listen to any insight she can give. He is desperate for something that will help because he is at a complete loss.
“I remember the day I introduced Cisely to Ingo like it was yesterday. The two were instantly taken with each other. And when they finally married, I didn’t think there was a happier couple in the world. I could see how much they loved each other every time I looked at them.”
Adagio is surprised at the direction of the conversation. He smiles, remembering the time he spent with Cisely and Ingo. “I could see it as well.”
“You were a constant support to Cisely after Ingo died. I used to marvel at the way you were always able to get through to her and comfort her when no one else could. She grew to depend on you for your strength. You brought joy back into her life and helped her to realize she would make it and everything would be okay. After a while I could see how inevitable it was that you two would fall in love.”
Adagio smiles as the memories come rushing back. “I tried to fight my love for her, but I couldn't. I was fighting a losing battle the moment the feelings began to grow.”
“I know. And she fought hers as well. When you two finally married, I was so happy for you both. I knew you were supposed to be together.”
“So did we,” Adagio says, again remembering the joy he felt on their wedding day to know that Cisely was finally his. “I had fallen so desperately in love. I felt guilty because of Ingo, but I couldn't help my feelings. When I finally accepted that it was okay to love her, she became everything to me. All I could think about was making her mine. I wanted that more than anything, and when we were finally married, her happiness became all that mattered.”
“And she felt the same. You became her whole world.” She pauses, staring out across the tree-lined street. “Do you remember the first Christmas I spent with your family in Italy?”
“I will never forget it. It was very special because it was the start of our tradition of taking Christmas to families in need.”
“It was wonderful and one I will always treasure. But I also remember something else.” She squeezes his hand. “I remember observing you and Cisely and how happy you both were. Every time I stepped into the same room, I could feel the love between you two radiating all over. I could feel it throughout your home, like a warm blanket on a cold winter day. I’d never witnessed that emotion as strongly as I did when I was around you two. Cisely and I talked quite a bit while I was there, but one thing she said always sticks out in my mind, and that thing is the most important thing I can tell you now.”
She looks at him intently. “Adagio, she told me tha
t though she loved Ingo with all her heart when they were together and would always treasure the time she had with him, there were no words for what she felt for you. She told me each and every time she looked into your eyes . . . she saw forever. Don't you see, Adagio? Even then her love for you was a lot deeper than her love for Ingo.”
Adagio remains quiet, letting the words sink into his heart. He knows the emotions intimately and they match the intensity he feels whenever he looks at his wife. That Cisely's feelings for him were just as strong at that time in their marriage leaves him in awe. Neither of them had spoken of this to each other then, but they felt it.
Jessica gives his hand a final squeeze and stands to go into the house, pausing to leave him with one final thought. “Adagio, Cisely loves you and that will never change. Just be there for her and love her. If you do, I know with all my heart she will come back to you. You own her heart, just as she owns yours. You two were destined for each other. I’m as sure of that as I am about anything. You have years invested in your love for each other. Years of growing together, and years of being a strength to one another. Hold on to that.”
Adagio nods and let the truthfulness of her words echo in his mind. “Thank you, Jessica,” he says, finding it hard to speak.”
“You're welcome.”
After a few moments he stands and pulls his car keys from his pocket. He helps Jessica up and kisses her cheek. “I am going out for a while and will be back later.” Before opening the car door he adds, “Tell Cisely I love her more than anything.”
Sixty-one
Adagio takes a drive up the Blue Ridge Parkway, hoping to clear his head and gain some clarity. As he cruises up the scenic byway, he is even more amazed at the beauty of North Carolina. The leaves have changed to their various colors of red, yellow, and orange, and the air is rich with the feeling of fall. He spots a view area off the side of the road and quickly pulls over. Getting out, he leans against the car and gazes down into the vast tree covered valley, feeling like he is looking at a depth-filled painting.
