When he lifted his head, he was breathing hard. He pulled his hands from beneath her, went up on one elbow, and cupped her cheek. His thumb ran over her bottom lip. “Wow.”
She grinned, her eyelids heavy with her satisfaction. “Yeah,” she said on a breath. “Wow.”
He gave her a quick kiss, then a peck on the tip of her nose. “Be right back.”
When he pulled away and stood up, she sighed at the loss of his warmth. He straightened her dress around her legs and winked. She smiled and let her eyes drift shut, yawned, then rolled to her side and wrapped her arms around her pillow.
She didn’t even have the strength to get up and change into her nightgown.
As she floated in that euphoric state between sleep and awake, the thought crossed her mind if he’d respect her in the morning. What did he think of her now that she’d given in and had sex with him? Was this a one-time thing or...
She drew in a deep breath, and sleep moved a bit closer. He had her climaxing twice in a matter of minutes. A smile curled her lips. Her good-for-nothing ex-husband had never made her come twice that fast.
Dex was so big, so long, so very hard... He filled her up. His kisses... Oh...yeah...
“You want to tell me what the hell this is?”
Crystal’s eyes popped open at Dex’s harsh demand. And then her stomach plummeted. Her heart leapt and lodged in her throat. There he stood in the doorway to her bathroom, looking so damn sexy in his rumpled shirt and jeans...holding her tray of medication.
“Answer me. You’re taking narcotics while watching my girls? Are you an addict?”
She swallowed hard and pushed up to sit on the edge of the bed. She swallowed again, afraid her voice wouldn’t work.
“Answer me.”
“No! I’m not an addict,” she cried. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze. She’d slept with him and had not yet been honest with him. Why hadn’t she just told him days ago when she thought about it? Why had she chickened out and kept her mouth shut? She cared for his children. He had a right to know.
He stepped up in front of her and shoved a couple bottles under her nose. “Codeine, morphine, Toradol. And that’s just the ones for pain. What the hell are the rest of these? No one takes this many vitamins, and the dozen prescription bottles? Crystal, what the hell—”
“Stop it. It’s... I...” She glanced up at him. The hard lines of his face showed his anger, his confusion. “I haven’t taken any of the pain medication in months. I would never use them while caring for Ruby and Amber. I swear.”
He shook his head then laid the wooden tray on the bed. He sat down next to her but didn’t touch her. “What do you have all these pills for?”
She swallowed again and ducked her head. Why did he have to find them now? Why hadn’t she thought about it when he headed for the bathroom? How could she have let herself...
Forcing back the tears, she drew in a deep breath. Stupid, stupid, stupid Crys! Fucking idiot! You knew when you first thought about being with him it was all wrong.
“I’m sorry, Dex,” she whispered around her painfully tight through. “I—I’m just so sorry. I never thought we’d end up in bed. I—I—”
“AIDS?”
She jerked her head up and met his worried gaze. “Oh, God, no! No, Dex. I swear. I’d never... But then, why would you believe me?”
He gripped her shoulder and brought his face close to hers. “What do you have? What have you given me? Do I need tests now?”
She cringed away from his anger, and the tears overflowed down her cheeks. “No,” she choked. “It’s not... I had cancer.” She glanced at the box of pills. “All that’s supposed to keep it from coming back,” she sobbed. “I’d never put you or the babies in danger. For anything.” She covered her face with her hands. “Please believe me.” Because I love you all so much.
No! Jumping up, she moved away from him. She couldn’t love him. She couldn’t love the babies. It was all temporary. They weren’t hers.
“Cancer?”
Her back to him, she nodded.
“You’re so young...”
Big, warm hands closed over her arms. She wanted to sink into him but at the same time had to fight to keep from jerking away from him. It was all over now. She got away with it before, because he didn’t know and he seemed more intent on actually having intercourse than getting her naked. It wouldn’t happen again. And it hurt. Really, really hurt. Because until she lay in his arms, with him buried deep within her, she hadn’t realized how much physical contact was missing from her life.
“What kind?”
She swallowed. “Breast.”
His hands trailed down her arms, then back again. He leaned over and kissed her neck, which made another sob lodge in her throat.
“Don’t,” she whispered and stepped away from him.
“What? Why are you pulling away? I’m sorry I freaked out about the medicine. And I’m sorry I accused— My mother was an addict. I freaked out.”
“It’s not that.” She finally looked up at him. “Dex. You’re a very nice man, but I don’t expect anything more from you. You gave me a job when I needed it, and you...” She shrugged and tried to act nonchalant even as tears filled her eyes again. “You gave me a night I will remember.”
He shook his head, his brow pulled into a confused frown. “I thought you said you had cancer, that it was gone.”
She nodded.
“Then why do you act like you’re dying? What aren’t you telling me?” He stepped toward her, but she backed away, into the bed, and sat down hard. Some of the pill bottles tipped off the tray and rolled onto the floor. She stared at them because it was easier than looking at Dex.
“Damn it, Crystal, would you talk to me?” He went down on his knees in front of her and gathered her hands in his. “What’s the big secret?” He cupped her cheek and made her meet his eyes. “Tell me.”
“I don’t have a left breast.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she thought she might throw up. She’d never said it aloud before. Never admitted it to anyone. Only the uncles knew, and only because they’d been there for her every step of the way.
Dex’s gaze landed on her chest. He sat back on his heels, his one hand resting on her knee. He looked back at her face with his green eyes so dark and full of confusion.
“It’s a prosthetic,” she said. In for a penny... No use in hiding it anymore. Reaching into the scoop neck of her sundress, she peeled open the special built-in Velcro closure on her bra, withdrew the silicon prosthetic breast, and handed it to him.
Dex almost dropped the warm, smooth, soft thing she stuck in his hand. It felt like Jell-O, was flesh colored, and looked kind of like a raw chicken cutlet. His gut twisted in a knot, and he didn’t know what to say. What to do. How to act. He stared at the prosthetic for a long time. He supposed it did feel like a breast. Soft, pliable.
My God. My Crystal had cancer. Had her breast removed. The pain she must have endured. He didn’t actually know anyone with cancer, but he saw movies, watched television. He looked up into her face and wanted to cry, his heart hurt so badly for her. He set the prosthetic down on the bed near the pills, went up on his knees, wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her.
“No,” she said as she jerked her head back and pushed at his shoulders. “What are you doing?”
He didn’t know. He couldn’t think. All he knew was that he needed to hold her. To protect her. To... “I’m so sorry.”
She made a face. Holding him at arms’ length with her hands on his shoulders, she shook her head. “It’s okay. You don’t have to get all weird. I don’t expect you to deal with this. It’s not your problem.”
“What do you mean I don’t have to deal with this? Of course, I do.”
“Just because we had sex doesn’t mean anything. I don’t expect you to pretend this doesn’t bother you or that you’re not disturbed by it, okay? We can just pretend none of this happened and c
all it a night. I’m not sick right now, and I can still care for the babies...if that’s what you want.”
Dex sat back on his heels again. “Are you trying to piss me off? If you are, you’re doing a damn good job of it. Do you think so little of me that, because you’re missing a breast, I’m going to walk out of here and pretend I didn’t just experience the most amazing sex of my life with you? I don’t think so, sweetheart.”
He gripped her chin and made her meet his gaze. “Yeah, I’m a little freaked out. Having a woman hand me her breast when it’s not attached to her chest is a little...strange. But I’m not walking away from you, so stop playing the martyr. And if I did walk out because of this, you’d have the right to string me up by my balls.”
Crystal was clearly confused. Her eyes were wide, her jaw slack in his light grip. She’d really expected him to leave.
He gently cupped her cheek. “Is this why your husband left you? Because you had a mastectomy?”
She shook her head. “I didn’t have it until a year ago. I went through two rounds of chemo and radiation before they finally removed it. I had a couple lumpectomies first, and he thought the scars were ugly, but then I got really sick with the chemo, and he couldn’t handle it. The day he saw a whole handful of my hair fall out, he packed up and left.”
“Fucking bastard.” Dex looked into her eyes, trying to make her realize he wasn’t like her ex. He might not have had any real, deep committed relationships with women in his past, but he wasn’t a total asshole. “I’d like to join the uncles on that hunting trip.”
Crystal let out a soft chuckle, but her smile turned quickly, and tears made her eyes sparkle.
He pulled her into his arms and cradled her close. “Shh, sweetheart. It’s okay.”
With a sniffle, she nodded. “I didn’t mean to deceive you. I didn’t think you’d... It’s ugly.”
Leaning back, he brushed the tears from her cheeks. He let out a quick breath and smiled, trying not to take her doubt in him personally, wanting to believe she’d think that any man would react badly, not just him. “Well. You might as well show me, then, so we can get it out of the way.”
Her lips parted in surprise.
“I change my mind. I don’t want to just have sex with you. I want to sleep with you, too. Tonight. All night. Naked.”
Chapter Twelve
Oh no. No, no, no. No way in hell. Shaking her head, she tried to scoot over so she could stand up and get away from him.
He put his hands on her thighs and held her in place with firm pressure. “Don’t run away, sweetheart.”
“Dex—”
“I’m the first man you’ve been with since your husband, aren’t I?”
She nodded and prayed she wouldn’t have a heart attack. Her heart pounded way too hard to be healthy. She wanted so badly to... God, she wanted to be with him again. But for him to see her? All of her? Her scars? Her...deformity? She cringed. “It’s gross.”
He shrugged and lifted his hands to her shoulders, then fiddled with the straps of her sundress as if he was about to pull them down. She crossed her arms over her chest.
“Okay. Have it your way.”
When he stood up, Crystal almost cried out at the pain his withdrawal caused. She did not want him to leave. But she bit her tongue. Better that he go now rather than later, after she’d humiliated herself and bared her body to him.
Instead of leaving, though, he started unbuttoning his shirt and kicked off his shoes.
When she looked up at his face, he winked at her. “Didn’t expect this, did you?” His smile was so boyishly sweet and teasing. A lock of his silky black hair hung over his forehead, and the rest was mussed from her fingers. He looked rumpled and sexy and...
How could he be teasing at a time like this? When her entire world was tilted on its axis and she didn’t know what to do, what to say. “Dex, don’t.”
He dropped his shirt to the floor and reached for his belt. She swallowed hard, unable to take her gaze from his glorious body. She’d seen most of it before—that first morning when he panicked over the babies not being in their bed. Damn, how could she have forgotten how exceptional he looked? All hard muscles and well-formed...everything.
He had one of those total body workout machines in the basement he used a couple mornings a week, but she’d decided most of him must be genetic.
The jeans dropped to his ankles. The boxers went next. He stepped out of them and took off his socks. And then he was naked.
Good Lord.
“Your turn,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest and standing there as if baring his body to a woman was a daily occurrence.
Heck, it probably was. Before the babies came, from what her uncles had told her, he had women around all the time. Beautiful, model-type women. Tall, shapely, gorgeous women.
“Don’t you feel a little awkward being the only one in the room still wearing all your clothes?”
Her fingers itched to touch him. She wanted to taste him. All of him. He was so beautiful.
And that was the crux of it. She met his eyes. “You are perfect, Dex. You have nothing to hide. I do not want you to see me. I’m sorry.”
“You’re discriminating against me.”
She made a face. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“Am I?” He sat down on the bed next to her and took her hand in his. “Why, exactly, do you think I’m going to run screaming from the room if I see your body? I had an English teacher in tenth grade who’d lost his arm. I saw his stump every day, and I promise you I never screamed in fright.”
“Dex—”
“I want to be closer to you. Why is that so hard for you to believe? Because of some asshole you were married to? Because he didn’t have the guts or the heart to stick it out? You weren’t the one who failed, Crys, he was. He failed you.”
And you will, too. He’d told her he didn’t believe in love everlasting. Eventually…
She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his bare shoulder. He still smelled of Uncle J’s cigar smoke, but she still didn’t care. Why did she think that Dex would cut and run? Was she comparing him to Randy? She didn’t think any man would stick around because Randy hadn’t, true, but she also knew what her chest looked like. What did it matter? She already loved him and adored his children. When she left this house, it would hurt.
Pulling away, she stood up and moved in front of him. “If you scream,” she said, trying to lighten the mood the way he had, “I’ll have to hurt you.”
Though his body was beyond amazing, she focused on his deep green eyes as she unbuttoned the top of her sundress. She saw no censure there, no fear or disgust...or whatever she thought she might see. He watched her fingers move down the front of her top. And then he was the one to reach out and push the dress off her shoulders. The light cotton material floated around her ankles.
His hand ran down her arms to her fingertips, and then he laid those big, warm hands on her sides and pulled her a small step closer. Even seated, the top of his head was just below her chin. Sometimes she forgot just how big he was and how small she was. He tickled over her ribs, and she wondered what he thought of the rest of her body. She was skinny. Too skinny. Her hipbones poked out slightly and, if she sucked in her belly, she could count her ribs. She’d always been thin, but after all the chemo and radiation, all the sickness, she’d lost what small amount of padding she had.
“You okay?” Dex asked.
She nodded. “You?”
A small smile tipped up the side of his mouth up as his fingers ran over her ribs again. “I want to feed you.”
She chuckled.
He reached up with one hand and cupped her cheek, running his thumb over her lips. “You have the most gorgeous mouth.” He licked his own lips. “Makes me hard just watching you talk, or eat, or...” He grinned. “The other night I almost jumped you in the kitchen. You were making dinner and concentrating real hard on stirring the sauce in the pot. Your lips were part
ed, the tip of your tongue clamped between your teeth.”
Her cheeks heated with a blush, and she dipped her head.
“I’m serious.” His thumb coasted over her bottom lip. “I have fantasized about this mouth since you walked through my front door.”
She swallowed hard. Never had a man talked to her like this. She’d been in college when she met Randy. They’d dated through her senior year, and then married the next year. They’d both been young and, in the broader spectrum of sex, they’d been pretty inexperienced.
She’d never been wooed before. And sure as hell Randy never sat around fantasizing about her mouth.
She bit the inside of her cheek to stop her grin.
Dex slid his fingers around the back of her neck and pulled her forward. She fell against his chest, bracing her hands on his shoulders as he kissed her. His tongue swept into her mouth, and she was lost. Tingles raced down her spine and zeroed in between her thighs. Her breath caught in her throat when Dex’s big hands slipped around her to cup her bottom.
He lifted her to straddle his lap, and his erection nudged against her, making her moan. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pressed against his chest. She wanted this. Wanted him. Could he handle it? God, please. Never taking her mouth from his, she reached behind her and unhooked her bra.
Dex smoothed the straps down her arms and dropped it on the floor and then, cupping her face between his hands, he pulled away from her lips. “You’re shaking,” he said in a voice so low and sensual it sent heat rocketing through her.
She had no voice left. Fear and lust and need and want and...the list of emotions rocking through her was too long to choose just one. So, she nodded.
He held her gaze and slowly, torturously slow, brushed his palms down her neck to her shoulders, and then down over her chest. She shut her eyes and bit her quivering bottom lip. She didn’t want to see his expression when he looked at her.
Fingers brushed the top of her right breast. Then over the peak. Her body responded to the touch even though she didn’t want it to. His fingers ignited a fire inside her she couldn’t explain and had never experienced before in her life.
Just Breathe Page 11
