Bitsy: Oh, ready for another.
Nurk: (to DOOKIE) Why not use you as an example?
Dookie: Yeah sure of course. It’s just as much me as anybody else. Let’s say me for example. Like… Having a kid. When Jack came along it was unbelievable. Me standing there, this big me holding this little me. Unbelievable. And then Megan comes along and that’s a beautiful thing and everything but it’s just not like the first one. Or the first time I sold a house. Now I’ve sold hundreds—thousands of houses—but no other sale was like my first sale. I had never done it before. Occasionally I have a seven-figure sale and that’s a rush for sure but nothing’s like the first one. No experience will ever match that. Or your first kiss. Eh? Remember that? Now of course there’s lots after the first one—for most people—but nothing is like that first night in the back of your father’s Plymouth. Or out on a bench, down by the water, outside the party, all alone in the grade ten night, all nervous and exploding at the same time, under the moon—
Bitsy: Oh that’s nice.
Dookie: (to BOOTS and HEFFER) Or in a closet at Tanya Bartlett’s party.
Heffer: Shut up.
Boots: Whatever.
Bitsy: (to BOOTS and HEFFER) You two!
Heffer: Whatever.
Boots: (to BITSY) It was better than Brandon Googoo.
Bitsy: Brandon Googoo was nice. But it wasn’t Brandon Googoo. It was Normie Beaton.
Boots: Your cousin?
Bitsy: Third!
Dookie: (to NURK) Or with Paula Chaisson under the bleachers at the Academy dance.
Bitsy: (to NURK) Paula Chaisson, she was so pretty.
Nurk: She became a flight attendant.
Bitsy: I know!
Dookie: But everybody remembers the first time. There will never be anything like the first time. You can’t have that first experience again. That first stuff is behind most of us now.
Bitsy: But every day can be the first day. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Isn’t that from the Bible?
Boots: No it’s from a plate in my mom’s kitchen.
Bitsy: Oh.
Dookie: There’s only one first time.
Nurk: I don’t know that that’s necessarily true.
Boots: It would be depressing to believe that.
Bitsy: Kinda wouldn’t it? I’m going to put on some music.
BITSY goes to the boom box. A little drunk, she stumbles a bit as she goes.
Dookie: Nurk knows what I’m talking about. Maybe it’s different for you guys because you never had one of the major first experiences that Nurk and I had.
Heffer: Like what?
Dookie: We left home. You guys never left home.
Heffer: I freakin’ left home. What are you talking about? I don’t still live with my mother.
Dookie: Leaving the house isn’t the same as leaving home.
Boots: That’s bull.
BITSY goes to HEFFER with a cassette.
Bitsy: (to HEFFER) What does that say?
Heffer: (holding the cassette out some distance to read it) “England Dan and John Ford Coley.”
BITSY rushes back to the boom box with the cassette.
Bitsy: Oh my God! I love him!
Dookie: Nurk knows what I’m talking about don’t you Nurk.
Nurk: The only difference is they don’t know the feeling of wanting to come home.
Dookie: Ah Nurkie. Always the diplomat.
Nurk: It’s just the truth.
“It’s Sad To Belong” by England Dan and John Ford Coley plays from the boom box.
BITSY gets into it, singing along.
Boots: Okay she’s singing, she’s officially drunk now.
BOOTS joins in quietly singing at the second verse. Everyone joins in during the chorus.
The sadness of the song starts to affect people. Slowly people drop out of the singing. By the end of the third verse only HEFFER is singing, and eventually he stops too.
Now no one is singing and everyone sits contemplating sadness and belonging and right ones.
We hear just the song on the boom box.
The tape starts to sound wonky then is eventually eaten by the boom box.
Heffer: Boom box ate it.
Boots: Thank God.
Bitsy: Let’s play the drinking game!
Boots: I’m up for it.
Nurk: I’ll do a round or two.
Heffer: We only got beer now.
Dookie: There’s the lounge downstairs.
Boots: I’m not hanging out down there.
Dookie: We’ll get them to sell us a couple of trays.
Heffer: They won’t let us get shooters to go.
Dookie: (producing his wallet) Let’s see what the say to a platinum AmEx.
DOOKIE heads out.
Come on.
Heffer: I’ll wait here.
Boots: You’re coming too. Take a break from the depression chamber.
Heffer: Nah.
Boots: Yes.
BOOTS and HEFFER share a series of looks where BOOTS insists that HEFFER come. He gives in.
HEFFER follows BOOTS and DOOKIE out.
Suddenly BITSY and NURK are alone.
A silence.
Bitsy: So you’re out in BC?
Nurk: (His voice cracks slightly.) Alberta. Calgary.
Bitsy: How do you like Calgary?
Nurk: (voice cracking a bit more) Calgary is you know pretty… a city… a pretty city.
I gotta pee. Excuse me.
NURK dashes off to the bathroom.
Alone, BITSY notices she’s drunker than she thought. She looks for a place to sit.
DOOKIE’s phone, left on the bedside table, rings.
BITSY answers it.
Bitsy: (on phone) Heloooooo… Who?… Oh Dookie, no Dookie went to get some more shooters… Bisty—I mean Bitsy. Sorry I’m a little dizzy, we’ve been at it for a while. He should be right back, is there a message?… Who?… Janice? Okay Janice I’ll tell him you called… Don’t tell him you called?… You want me to not tell him?… What?… Tell him what?… I’m not telling him that… So there’s no message then?… Hello?… Hello?
BITSY hangs up the phone and drops it on the table.
Some people have to be so rude.
NURK returns from the bathroom.
Nurk: Was that the phone?
Bitsy: No. Nobody called no message.
Nurk: Oh.
Bitsy: I wish we had some music.
Nurk: Maybe I can have a look.
NURK goes to the boom box and tries to fix the tape.
Bitsy: Who’s Janice?
Nurk: Janice? That’s Dookie’s wife. Did she call?
Bitsy: No, nobody called no message.
Nurk: Oh.
Bitsy: You filled out.
Nurk: Oh. Yeah well. Age.
Bitsy: No I mean in a good way.
Nurk: Oh. Thanks.
Bitsy: You got a job, a good job and all that I hear.
Nurk: Yeah it’s pretty good.
Bitsy: Doing what?
Nurk: Environmental engineer.
Bitsy: With the environment and all that?
Nurk: Yeah.
Bitsy: Oh that’s so important. I watched that movie about it. It’s scary.
Nurk: It is yeah.
Bitsy: What part of the environment are you saving?
Nurk: Uh… human waste.
Bitsy: Like garbage like?
Nurk: No… Not so much… More like human waste water. You know, dishwater, shower water…
Bitsy: Toilet water?
Nurk: And that yeah.
Bitsy: You’re saving it?
Nurk: No, looking at new ways of disposing of and recycling it.
Bitsy: That’s so interesting because when we got that chemical toilet for Dad, I was thinking about it and thinking why are we using all this water in the first place when we could just use chemicals in the first place? Right?
Nurk: Well—
Bitsy:
Oh I know! Chemicals can be so bad. My mom had to stop getting her perm, nearly burnt her head right off. No you wouldn’t want to put chemicals on something alive. Or like something you’d eat. Like not like a garden or something. Maybe on your lawn. Nobody eats their lawn.
Nurk: But—
Bitsy: No I know, cats do. But I find cats are kind of dirty. People love cats but I think they’re dirty. Boots loves cats. She’s got three. She lets them walk on the table when she’s eating. That’s disgusting. Do you like cats.
Nurk: Um—
Bitsy: I bet you like dogs.
Nurk: Sure.
Bitsy: Me too! So are you married or whatever?
Nurk: Ah. No. I was.
Bitsy: Yeah I heard that.
Nurk: Oh. Yeah. Did you ever?
Bitsy: Did I ever what?
Nurk: Get married?
Bitsy: Oh. Yeah no. Almost. But not. Not even really “almost.” Pre-pre-engaged type thing. Twice. So no. I gotta get out more.
Nurk: Yeah.
Bitsy: People are…
Nurk: What?
Bitsy: …Weird. Some people are I mean.
Nurk: Yeah. I don’t think I trust anybody anymore.
Bitsy: Oh.
Nurk: I don’t know why I said that.
Bitsy: No I’m glad you said that. I might think that too. Maybe I don’t trust anybody. I trust Boots.
Nurk: Boots. Is she…?
Bitsy: What?
Nurk: She never got married?
Bitsy: She’s not a lesbian.
Nurk: No no I…
Bitsy: She’s just not with anyone because she thinks everybody’s an idiot.
Nurk: Right.
Bitsy: And they can be. Not everybody but… You know.
Nurk: No I know.
NURK has fixed the boom box. The “It’s Sad To Belong” chorus comes back on.
Got it.
Bitsy: I guess it’s not really sad if you don’t belong to anybody. Or maybe that’s the sad part.
Nurk: Maybe.
They listen silently.
NURK turns off the song.
I’ll find something more…
Bitsy: More what?
Nurk: Um…
Bitsy: Hopeful?
Nurk: Yeah.
DOOKIE, HEFFER and BOOTS return. DOOKIE and HEFFER each carry a tray of shooters.
Dookie: The gang’s all here and armed for battle!
Nurk: Holy! That’s a bit extreme.
Boots: I told them it was too much.
Heffer: It’s not like it’ll go bad, we’ll save some for after golfing tomorrow.
HEFFER hands out shooters all round.
Dookie: We would have been back sooner but Heffer was chatting up some “ladies” in the lounge.
Heffer: Shut up.
Bitsy: Were they from the reunion?
Boots: A hooker reunion maybe.
Heffer: They were nice!
Boots: It’s easy to be nice if you’re getting paid.
Heffer: You don’t know that they were professionals.
Dookie: Oh Heffer, you need a few more trips to the city to hone your ho-dar.
Boots: What’s ho-dar?
Dookie: Like gay-dar.
Boots: What?
Heffer: Radar for ho’s.
Boots: Is that a thing?
Heffer: Oh my God.
Dookie: He asked them to join us.
Heffer: They won’t come.
Boots: If they do come tell them where to go. There’s a walk-in clinic down the road.
Heffer: Everybody ready?
Dookie: Ready.
Boots: Let’s do it.
Nurk: Oh God.
BITSY hoots.
Dookie: One two three.
Everyone knocks back a shot. Silence a moment.
Was that the one?
BITSY drops her glass on the floor and starts to hyperventilate.
Bitsy: Oh God. Oh God.
Boots: Are you all right?
BITSY looks like she might faint. She grabs her head.
Nurk: Bitsy?
BITSY dashes for the bathroom. The group watches after her, concerned.
Boots: Bitsy? You all right?
After a moment BITSY calls from the bathroom.
Bitsy: (off, sickly) Bingo!
Blackout.
Scene 2
Lights up. The hotel room. One hour later. BOOTS and HEFFER sing along and dance by the boom box to the Indigo Girls’s “Closer To Fine.”
DOOKIE is on the land-line phone.
NURK and BITSY sit by themselves drinking beer. NURK is surfing on his smartphone.
Heffer: Who’s Rasputin?
Boots: Rah-rah-Rasputin.
Heffer: Lover of the Russian queen!
Boots: Exactly.
Heffer: I love this song.
Boots: I told you.
BOOTS and HEFFER sing along to the chorus.
Dookie: (on phone) Yeah yeah… No problem… Yeah no problem.
(hanging up the phone, to BOOTS and HEFFER) You morons turn that down, we’re getting complaints from the desk.
Boots: We can’t turn off the music!
Dookie: Turn it down!
Heffer: I’ll find something else your majesty.
HEFFER turns off the music.
Dookie: Savages.
Heffer: Shut up.
DOOKIE does a shot without bothering to play the game anymore.
NURK is showing BITSY images on his smartphone.
Nurk: That’s city hall.
Bitsy: Oh that’s pretty! It’s big.
Nurk: And this here… These are the mountains.
Bitsy: Ooo mountains.
Boots: (to BITSY) What are you looking at?
Bitsy: Nurk’s pictures.
Boots: Do you have any pictures of your house and that?
Nurk: No these aren’t my pictures. This is the City of Calgary website.
Boots: (sardonically) Fun.
BOOTS goes back to the boom box looking for music.
Bitsy: Are you on the Internet with that?
Nurk: Yeah.
Bitsy: (to BOOTS) He’s on the Internet with this.
Boots: Yeah Bitsy, what you’ve been in a coma for ten years.
Bitsy: (to BOOTS) No!
Heffer: Norman Taylor’s got a thing you can take an X-ray with.
Boots: He’s a genius or something.
Heffer: I know.
Bitsy: (to NURK) Isn’t it really expensive to go on the Internet with it?
Nurk: No, I’ve got a good plan.
Bitsy: Can I check my email?
Nurk: (giving her the smartphone) Sure. Just press that.
Boots: (to BITSY) What are you doing?
Bitsy: Checking my email.
Boots: Who emails you?
Bitsy: I get emails.
Boots: From who?
Bitsy: From email places. I get jokes and… other emails. Last week I got one from an esquire in England.
Boots: That’s a scam looking for money.
Bitsy: He was offering money.
Dookie: That’s the oldest scam in the book. That’s for identity theft.
Bitsy: I know!
Heffer: I had my identity stolen twice last year.
Dookie: (to HEFFER) Who’d want your identity?
Heffer: (to DOOKIE) Oh shut up.
Dookie: (to HEFFER) I’m just yanking your chain.
Heffer: (to DOOKIE) What am I a freakin’ dog?
Dookie: (pointedly to HEFFER) Chill out.
Bitsy: I’m just saying I get emails.
Boots: You didn’t answer it did you?
Bitsy: No! I don’t answer them I just read them.
HEFFER moves off by himself, sulking.
Heffer: (mumbling) I’m not a freakin’ dog or something.
Bitsy: (to NURK) What do I press? Just this here or… Oh! Oh! Oh my!
Nurk: What?
Bitsy: (quickly handing him back the smartphon
e) Oh nothing that’s okay you have that back then thanks.
Nurk: What is it?
Bitsy: Nothing I didn’t see anything.
Nurk: What? (looking at the smartphone) Oh God.
BOOTS comes over to investigate.
Boots: What is it?
Bitsy: What? I didn’t see anything.
BOOTS looks at the smartphone.
Boots: Oh Nurk you perv.
Nurk: That has nothing to do with me.
DOOKIE comes to investigate.
Dookie: Let me see what. Whoa!
Nurk: She hit the history on it.
Bitsy: I didn’t see anything.
Boots: You couldn’t miss that if you saw it.
Dookie: That’s some history you got there, Nurk.
Bingo! Page 5
