“That’s not-”
“We were pro sneakers! Back to the story, which I’M telling! So shush!”
“We’ve come here looking for a centaur, a human, and an elf,” Vale continued factually. “We’re looking to properly come into possession of them, not kidnap or otherwise steal them by any means that could be considered a crime to anyone else of course, and the sooner the better.”
“A centaur, a human, and an elf?” Max curiously asked with a finger to his chin. “Why ever would you want them?”
“Because Silly asked us-”
“Stop calling me silly!” Syliandanchevas whined. “I really don’t like that ridiculous nickname!”
“Because someone very important to us, with a very hard to pronounce name and a god-awful speech impediment, requested that we bring her a centaur, a human, and an elf. We weren’t going to ask why, we figured it would be best not to know. That and if we get her request wrong then it’s entirely her own fault because she stutters so much that it’s impossible to understand her.”
“Vale! I-I-I do n-not st-st-stutter as h-horrendously a-as you’re c-c-claiming! And I-I n-never asked y-y-y-you to b-b-br-bring these d-dears here! I already t-t-told you I h-had a-a-asked for-”
“So yeah. A centaur, a human, and an elf, if you would be ever so kind. Because that is what I heard her ask us for.”
“You’re in luck,” Max beamed holding his arms out. “We are a centaur, human, and elf.”
“Indeed you nice and friendly children are. What say you three come with us, no questions asked? Would that be alright with you so that if anyone asks we can say you said it was okay and not that we kidnapped you?”
“We would love to,” Lelu giggled with a hop.
“I can see no reason why we wouldn’t want to go with you two strangers no questions asked,” Max agreed nodding.
Grace opened her mouth to speak, however only a horrible screeching came out instead of words, the elf saying something with a very forced smile while she grabbed Max’s head and banged it against the counter repeatedly. After a few hard knocks Max dropped to the ground unconscious while Grace yanked on her pigtails with heavy snarls.
“Vale, what are you doing?” Bermuda demanded.
“I’m censoring what that elf said. There are children here, Bermuda. Think of the children.”
“What the fuck is this horseshit?” Grace shouted. “None of this fucking nonsense happened at all, you goddamned anal insect!”
“You see? Think of the children, Bermuda. Anyway, back to-”
“Excuse me,” VelRyan spoke up. “Not that this tale isn’t progressing along in a very unique manner, because it most certainly is, but I was told there were other monsters there when all this happened.”
“…I was just getting to that. Like I was saying…”
“However,” Lelu suddenly added. “We can’t go with you because these mean monsters are here to hurt us.”
“What mean monsters?” Vale innocently asked. Lelu and Grace pointed off to the side, with Vale and Bermuda then noticing a large group of dangerous looking monsters standing nearby. Gremlins, trolls, goblins, an arachne, and also an ogre that was hunched over on its knees in order to fit into the small shop.
“Hi,” a troll said with a wave. “We’re here to break their stuff and hurt them. A lot.”
“Oh no,” Vale frowned with a glance to Bermuda. “That’s not nice. We would never break their home and hurt them, that’s the complete opposite of what we’re here to do.”
“Well we can’t have you harming these innocent children,” Bermuda insisted as she summoned her magical orbs of energy.
“It’s time to be heroes!” Vale announced as she unsheathed her blade.
“Bring it on!” a gremlin shouted as the two parties charged each other to begin an epic battle of good versus evil, right versus wrong, red versus blue, overwhelmingly cliché battle montages versus-
“Vale, just stop,” Bermuda groaned.
“Shh!” Vale sternly whispered. “Be quiet. They’re totally buying it.”
“No, we’re not,” Syliandanchevas flatly said.
“That’s not at all how it happened,” Lelu agreed.
“You seriously thought you were fooling us with that shit?” Grace scoffed.
“Is that what happened?” Max asked rubbing his head.
“Of course it isn’t!” Grace yelled. “I’ll tell you what the fuck happened!”
*****
Inside the cottage at Trixton Pass the evening sunlight rays made their way through the windows of the shop area. Peeking in from behind the glass Vale and Bermuda were carefully watching the three children inside, none of them having smiles on their faces at that current moment.
“C’mon, you stupid boy!” Grace roared, having Max in a headlock and yanking him towards the wall of shelves holding various armor and monster weapons. Max was thrashing about with tears in his eyes while Lelu was holding onto his arms and frantically scampering to pull him away from the elf.
“Did I upset you, mistress?” Max sniveled. “I’m sorry for failing you yet again.”
“MOOO!” Lelu bellowed while hopping about. “MOO! MOO! MOOOO!”
“What the HELL?” Lelu yelled out. “I’m not a cow, you insufferable little bit-”
“Shut up!” Grace snapped. “I’m explaining how the hell we got here in the first place! I remember every detail, so sit down and shove your ass into your mouth to keep quiet!”
“Let’s go, little boy!” Grace snarled as she slowly dragged the crying human towards the shelves. “We need to load up all the best weapons you’ve got! It’s time to avenge my mother and kill those flabby-titted horsefuckers that took my home!”
“But, mistress,” Max whined. “I’m but a weak little human. I can’t go into battle by your side. I’ll only get in your way, much like I am now. I’m so sorry for being a pathetic bitch.”
“MOO!” Lelu bellowed shaking her head. “MOO! MOOOO! MOOOOOOO!”
“Quit being such a fucking wuss!” Grace shouted at the boy. “And piss off, cow! Go find a horsecock to suck or something, you putrid pile of-”
“My dear child!” Syliandanchevas gasped. “Where in Eden did you learn such dreadful-”
“Stop interrupting me, goddammit!” Grace roared. “You wanted to know what the fuck happened so I’m telling you! So shut the fuck up!”
“Told you,” Vale quietly mentioned.
Grace struggled to pull Max forward before the boy broke free from her and Lelu’s grasp. He quickly ran over to the front counter and lowered his head onto his arms atop it while sobbing heavily.
“I can’t do it, mistress. I’m just not ready to go fight anyone. Only my big sisters are brave enough to fight, I’m just a weak little runt who’s not even fit to be raped by any monster in this world. I’m so sorry for failing you, esteemed mistress!”
“For crying out loud!” Grace yelled in frustration. She stormed over to Max, knocking aside Lelu without giving her a second glance, then started banging Max’s head on the counter with furious grunts. “Stop! Being! So! Fucking! Useless!”
After a few more hard knocks Max dropped to the ground unconscious. Lelu screamed and rushed over to tackle the elf, the two locking hands and dropping to the ground with Grace shouting repetitive expletives and Lelu mooing loudly.
“I’ve never mooed like a cow in my life, you despicable liar!” Lelu raged.
“Funny, that’s all I ever hear from you!” Grace shot back. “Just like I am right now!”
“Interesting story,” VelRyan commented. “Though when do Vale and Bermuda play a part in it, as well as those other unsavory monsters I’ve heard about?”
“I was just getting to that! God fucking dammit, just let me talk already!”
“Seriously,” Vale quietly mentioned. “Can we gag her again?”
“After she’s done with this drivel,” Bermuda flatly answered.
Grace and Lelu started slapping e
ach other while constantly bickering, right before gremlins and trolls burst in through the windows brandishing rusty axes and alchemic pouches.
“We’ve come to fuck you up!” a troll laughed.
“And there’s nothing you can do to stop us!” a gremlin taunted.
“Like hell I can’t!” Grace retorted as she grabbed a bow from a table. She promptly fired seven arrows from it, all of which pierced the two evil monsters in critical locations. The elf let loose a long roar as more wicked monsters crashed in through the walls, her hand moving swiftly to grab handfuls of the many arrows that were conveniently lying on the table next to her that she then launched at the intruders. She fired volleys of arrows one after another, striking down gremlins, trolls, salamander women, arachne, ogres, orcs, witches, goblins, and succubi in never-ending waves.
“Now there are succubi in it as well?” Bermuda complained. “What is wrong with you? There wasn’t a single succubus there.”
“Again, shut the hell up and let me tell the story!”
Countless numbers of the demonic-hearted foes crashed through the walls and ceiling while more charged in through the backroom, all while Grace continued firing arrows relentlessly with perfect aim all around her and fire burning brightly in her eyes.
“You’ve got to be kidding!” Lelu demanded. “That isn’t what happened at all!”
“What would you know about anything, you stupid cow!”
“For one there wasn’t an entire army charging us! Secondly, your aim with the bow is simply appalling! You have got to be the worst archer of all the elves in Eden! You couldn’t have struck down anywhere near that many monsters all on your own. It took you all the arrows Max had at his place to kill those three copycats that attacked us, and even then you missed with over half of them!”
“FUCK YOU!” Grace roared before trying to rush the centaur, with Lelu doing the same while Max struggled to keep them separated.
“What is wrong with that child?” Syliandanchevas worried.
“I smell evil on her,” Vale cautioned.
“I always thought elves were kindred spirits of the forest,” Bermuda mentioned. “…not anymore.”
“Excuse me,” VelRyan spoke up, with the girls halting and turning to him. “That’s quite an exciting tale you’ve told us. It’s certainly keeping me at the edge of my seat. But what of my daughter and her friend? When did they show up?”
“Right after I killed all those other assholes,” Grace snapped.
“You didn’t kill a single one!” Lelu yelled.
After the final troll dropped dead with twenty arrows piercing its body Grace stood atop a pile of fallen foes with her bow in hand and a cluster of arrows ready to fire with it. Her eyes were narrowed as she watched the last two intruders coming in through the broken wall. Bermuda slowly skittered forward while summoning her violet orbs of energy above her, the arachne having a devilish smile on her face and hair flowing back in the wind. Vale unsheathed her unholy knife of evil while small red cubes of energy formed into the image of a skull and crossbones behind her.
“You two cunts want a piece of me too?” Grace dared as she took aim with the handful of arrows. “Then come and get it! I’ll kill each and every one of you piss-guzzling motherfuckers, and I won’t stop until you’re all food for the goddamned worms! Revenge shall be mine!”
Bermuda and Vale rushed towards her with evil laughing, the elf screaming in righteous fury as she then unleashed her arrows just as the two monsters closed in on her. And with that the final battle had begun.
*****
“And then what happened?” Bermuda flatly asked. “Please do tell us.”
“If she says she killed us too then we’ll have found a hole in her story,” Vale cautioned.
“Yeah,” Lelu dryly spoke up. “Then we’ll have found a hole in her story.”
“Then they used some fucking magic to kidnap us!” Grace accused pointing to Vale then Bermuda. “And they’d better have a damned good reason for their sorry-ass mistake or else I’m going to finish what we started!”
“We never started anything like what you described,” Bermuda pointed out.
“But I’ll gladly finish it,” Vale muttered holding the handle to her knife.
“Very intriguing,” VelRyan commented with a hand to his chin. “This is all starting to come together, piece by piece.”
“What?” Bermuda exclaimed. “But her story was utter nonsense!”
VelRyan held up a hand to silence her, his eyes watching the temperamental elf for a moment before moving over to Lelu.
“My dear, would you be so kind as to tell us your side of the story next?”
“My side?” she questioned lowering her head. “Um, well…”
“It’s okay, Lelu. Take your time and tell us what happened to the best of your memory. If what you’ve heard so far isn’t the truth then please enlighten us to what is.”
Lelu glanced to Grace with a dull scowl before looking down at the table with a troubled grimace.
“Well… okay. Here’s what actually happened.”
*****
Inside the cottage at Trixton Pass the evening sunlight rays made their way through the windows of the shop area. Standing together before the front counter Max and Lelu were holding hands and deeply gazing into each other’s eyes. The centaur averted her gaze with a timid smile on her face before Max held her cheek and brought her loving stare back onto him.
“Oh, Max,” she adoringly spoke. “I’m so lucky to have found you in my life. I’d be lost, scared, and possibly even slain by this cruel world if you hadn’t taken me into your arms.”
“My dearest Lelu,” Max said in a suave and slightly deeper voice than usual. “It is I who am truly blessed with fortune to have you in my life. I cannot think of anything more I need in all of Eden than you by my side. I’ll always cherish everything about you, my perfect little centaur.”
“Oh, Max,” Lelu breathed out, leaning ever closer towards Max.
“Oh, Lelu,” Max gently said, holding a hand to the back of her head and bringing her close for a kiss.
“Oh, Max.”
“Oh, Lelu.”
“Oh, Max.”
“Oh, Lelu.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Grace shouted. “What the hell is all this shit? You’re going to make me puke!”
“Max,” Syliandanchevas timidly said. “I didn’t know you were so bold with your feelings for this young girl.”
“I’m not!” Max cried out. “I mean I don’t have- there isn’t any- I never said- that’s not what happened!”
“This is getting interesting now,” Bermuda commented.
“What happened next?” Vale eagerly asked. “What happened? Tell me!”
“We were about to share our love with a romantic kiss in the evening sunlight,” Lelu humbly said. “It was something out of a fairy tale, a dream come true in every way. It was, until…”
“The bad monsters attacked?” Vale gasped.
“No. It was worse than them. Far worse…”
“Oh, Max.”
“Oh, Le-” Max said as they were about to kiss, only for him to be immediately yanked away while an evil cackling filled the room. Lelu gasped in horror as she saw Grace holding Max close with a wicked smile on her face, the elf dressed in a black leather skirt and top while having demonic wings extending out behind her. Her demon tail waved around in the air while her eyes had a devilish crimson glow to them.
“There was indeed a succubus there on this night,” Lelu cursed. “One who could only have come from the deepest pits of hell itself.”
“What the FUCK?” Grace roared. “Who you calling a succubus, you bloated cow?”
“HAHAHAHAHA!” Grace bellowed while holding Max close to her. “It is I, Grace the succubus!”
“Max!” Lelu desperately cried as she reached out for him.
“Fool! This sexy looking hunk of a man belongs to me now! You, boy. You will love me and only me for
all time! Because I said so, and I always get what I want! Or else! HAHAHAHA!”
“Never!” Max defiantly retorted. “My heart and soul belong to Lelu! You’ll never have me as yours, you wretched foul-mouthed demon from the accursed woods!”
“Never say never!” Grace laughed as she flew them up and over the counter to the other side. “I’m going to make you love me and only me, even if I have to beat it into your adorable head! You’re going to choose me over her, even if it’s the last thing you do!”
She started banging Max’s skull onto the counter while lightning crackled outside the windows, all while Lelu screamed in horror and Grace laughed manically.
“Say you love me!” Grace ordered smacking his head onto the plank again.
“Say you want me!” she demanded with another whack.
“Say I’m the only one you want! Say it!”
After a few more hard knocks she wound back and slammed his head onto the counter, flipping the boy dramatically over it into the air while she laughed wickedly with her shadow being illuminated behind her by another bolt of lightning outside.
“Max!” Lelu wailed.
“Lelu!” Max cried as he tumbled about in the air, flying over the counter and crashing onto the ground at the centaur’s feet.
“Max!” Lelu sobbed as she knelt down and held him in her arms. “Speak to me, my dearest love!”
“Lelu…” he weakly said, his hand shakily lifting up to hold her cheek. “I… will always… love you… and you only.”
“Max…”
“I’ll never… let anyone else… come between us. Never… ever…”
Taking his last breath Max then collapsed and lost consciousness, his arms dropping to the ground while Lelu stared in shock at the sight. She slowly held his head and brushed his hair, whimpering in sorrow while cursing the fates for being so cruel.
“No… no… NO! MAX!” she cried out into the air, her voice echoing throughout the cottage while Grace continued to laugh demonically with arms held out and wings fluttering behind her.
“No!” Vale sobbed. “Max! No! How could he be taken away from you like that? That’s so horrible! Struck down in the prime of his life! He was so young! He had so much to live for!”
Chronicles of Eden - Act XI Page 23
