by Sara Arden
"I guess we did. I love that woman so much it hurts when I think about it."
"So maybe don't think about it. Just enjoy it."
"Easy for you to say."
"Not so much. I think that's what I'm doing now. Just enjoying the moments we have, because we don't know how many there are."
"Well, aren't we just maudlin."
"No one says that anymore." Hayden snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Grammie does."
"Yeah, and you're a seventy year old woman?"
"Under these pecs and abs, I might be." Hayden said. "So what is going on with you and Livie?"
"We haven't put a label on it. You know she doesn't want to live here. She doesn't want to be with another hero, as she says." He made air quotes to accentuate hero. Royce never thought of himself that way. He did a job. His job was to help people. That wasn’t heroic. He had the physical gifts and the drive, so it would be wrong not to.
When he thought of heroes, he thought of someone who wasn’t as lucky as he was, someone who had to stand outside their norm to do something good for someone else. To help them. That, in his eyes, was heroism.
"Can you blame her?" Hayden asked.
"No, not really. But you know, she's it for me.” He looked up to meet his brother’s eyes. “It's always been her."
"Holy shit, are you leaving the Seven?" Hayden dropped everything he'd been holding as his jaw dropped.
"I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what she's doing. All I know is that I love her. I love her more than the job."
"Have you talked to Dad?" Hayden’s tone was quiet. No judgement or emotion, just a question.
"Not yet. I want to see where things go. No sense in barking up a dead tree, you know? Livie is just coming out of her shell. Just starting to experience the world again. She wasn't happy with Ben. She lost herself."
Hayden nodded. "She's been drowning in guilt, not grief. I should've recognized the signs, since that was part of my own problem."
"Wouldn’t have mattered. I couldn't tell you what your problem was. Not really. Not if you weren't ready to see it for yourself." He remembered trying to talk sense to his brother and it had been like trying to knock down a mountain with a brick.
"I'm kind of over this adulting thing." Hayden sighed. "I think we should skip that this weekend. Let's be little kids. Let's remember what it was like to swim and fish and stay up all night without worry about when the next alarm is going to come. Do you remember that?"
"I have a vague recollection." Royce smiled. He already felt like a kid again. Livie made him feel that way. He hoped this weekend would do the same for her. That it would give her a break from her cares and all of her "supposed tos" that weighed on her shoulders.
If he could, he'd help her put down that burden in its entirety.
"Soph is excited about this too. I'd like to give her that experience. She never had what we had growing up. So the fact you invited us is a big deal."
"She's family. It'll take a while to get her up to speed on the Cole experience. I'm sure we can skip the part where we pushed each other off the roof." Royce shrugged. “I mean, unless she really wants that, too. I’m happy to big brother her one-hundred percent.”
"I don't know. I'm pretty sure at this point, she'd try it."
"Do you think Mom and Dad are actually going to go on this trip they’ve been talking about?" He picked up one of the coolers and carried it on board the houseboat.
"I don't know. Maybe if we make them. Tie them up, drop them off in their rooms with instructions for someone to come untie them once their far enough out to sea that they can't swim back. I hope they do, though. They need it."
"On a scale of one to dead, how mad do you think Mom would be?"
Hayden shrugged. "I don't know. I guess that would depend on how much she enjoys the end result."
They brought the rest of the supplies on board.
"How do you feel about being bar keep tonight? I promised Liv she wouldn't have to even think about mixing a drink."
"Sure, I'm game."
"Speaking of games, did you bring Life?"
"Damn it. No. That's what we forgot. I knew I left something."
"No worries. We forgot the nail polish. I'm sure we can find something to do."
"I vote for skinny dipping. You and Liv take one side of the boat and Soph and I will take the other." Hayden waggled his eyebrows.
"Sound carries on the lake, my friend.” He didn’t need to be that close to his brother. “And this weekend isn't about that."
"Oh, you really do have it bad, don't you?" Hayden sounded gleeful.
"What have I been telling you?"
Hayden opened a cabinet to put away the fishing gear and instead, found something much more interesting already occupying the space. Dive gear.
"Oh, now this is cool." He pulled out a piece of paper. "It looks like we can get an instructor to come out to the boat and teach us how to use these."
"You think the girls would like it?"
"There's nothing like seeing new things and looking animals to make you feel like a kid again." Hayden shrugged.
"I guess we could see what our lunch is going to look like."
"I have hot dogs and burgers to grill out if we don't catch anything worth eating."
"Good man."
"I do believe we learned that lesson the hard way that weekend at the cabin with Dad. God, that was miserable."
Royce's stomach growled in protest just at the memory. "That was a lesson well learned though, wasn't it? We never forget to bring extra food or emergency rations and that's what Dad wanted to teach us."
"I'm hungry now just thinking about it," Hayden said.
"Yeah, me too. Wanna fire up that grill?"
"You know it."
"I'll get the rest of the stuff."
"Oh, so I'm the bar tender and the chef?"
"You're better with the grill than I am."
"Flattery will get you everywhere," Hayden said agreeably.
"You sound like Grammie."
“No, if you’ll remember, deep down, you’re the old woman." Then, for a moment, he looked pained and Royce laughed.
"Don't worry, I won't tell her you said she was old. This time." Next time was game on. More pie for him when Hayden was in the doghouse. Maybe more fried chicken, too.
"Speaking of Grammie, have you given any more thought to Livie's plan to set Grammie up with McCade? I mean, you don't think she's serious, do you?"
"Knowing Liv? Yeah. Serious as a heart attack."
"I've been giving it some serious thought, too. I think it's a good idea. She's been alone too long. She needs someone to have adventures with."
"Did you get the matchmaking bug from Mom?"
Hayden shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know. I mean, don't you think? Plus, it would be really fun. I mean, hello? McCade and Grammie?"
"She's a lot older than he is. She might feel weird about that."
"Whatever. She still wears red cowboy boots and goes to honky tonks. I bet you she buys that Harley she keeps talking about. I hope she does."
Royce considered for a moment. "Ma would kill us."
"Maybe we could bring her in on it. Pitch it like a revenge plot for making her fall in love with Dad."
"She might just go for it. Or she'll rat us out." Royce nodded. "I know! Since it's Liv's idea we could get her to pitch it to Ma. She might agree just to ease Livie into a false sense of security about her wedding-crazy."
"That's a good plan."
"And," Royce began.
"We love it when a plan comes together," they said at the same time.
13
"You did not tell Allison that she could bribe me into marrying her son with cupcakes, did you?" She that like it was the worst thing, when really, it might've been the best thing. The thing she'd started to want.
Maybe it was too soon to think about things like that, but Royce had always been part of her life, and whether she lik
ed it or not, she couldn't imagine her life without him.
She'd screwed up royally. She'd said she didn't want to love another hero because it would hurt too much, but she already did.
Panic squeezed her throat, but she tried to push it down. To breathe. This was only fear trying to claw its way out because she'd locked in a little box. It wasn't used to being so caged.
"I might have planted the idea." Sophie wore a sheepish expression.
Looking at Sophie, seeing the radiant joy on her face, she wondered if it would really be so bad to be that happy. That was something she'd never had with Ben. Oh, she'd been happy in the beginning, but not like this.
This was something that came with age and experience, a certain patina.
"I figured you'd forgive me if I gave you the cupcakes."
"I know she didn't only make one box." Livie eyed her.
"Of course not. I did keep a box for Hayden and I. It's in my luggage, but not even Hayden knows it's there. Part of me wants to say those boys are so spoiled and I wonder how they function on their own, but then there's another part of me that thinks this is so sweet, and everyone deserves a family life like what the Coles have."
"Not many of us grew up with that." She thought about her own childhood and what she would’ve given to have had this love affair with the outdoors. To have family that always had time for her. Always wanted to hear about her day.
"No." The radiant joy on Soph's face had faded, her memories obviously a dark cloud hanging over her face. "I didn't actually believe that could be real. That I could have it for my own." She bit her lip. "You know, before Hayden and I were official, I'd imagine in my head what it would be like to have him. You know, the whole experience. Not just being his girl, but to be part of his family. Sometimes, I'd think the powers that be would strike me down for daring to reach so high." Sophie rubbed the scars on her arm.
"I know exactly what you mean."
"But they didn't." She smiled. "Not yet, and I don't think that's how it works. Sometimes we have to go through the ugly to get to the good stuff. Before we can appreciate the good stuff."
"I'm sure you could've appreciated the good just fine without what happened to you." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, her eyes went wide and she clamped a hand over her mouth. "I can't believe I said that. That was so insensitive."
"No, it's fine." Sophie reached out and squeezed her hand. "Really. It's true and not something I wouldn't have said myself not too long ago. But it happened. It made me who I am. It made me broken in the places Hayden was whole and what happened to him made him broken in ways only my pieces could fill. Do you know what I mean? We were shaped to fit one another. By a hook or by crook, I guess." She smiled again. "I never thought I could be this happy. Hayden and I both say it's kind of gross."
"I'm glad you have that grossness." She really was happy for Sophie. They’d gotten so much closer and knowing what she did of Sophie’s past, if anyone deserved a bit of happy, it was her.
"Have you used your wishing candles?"
"I have them in my window, like you said, to light my own way back home." Only she hadn’t found the path yet. She hadn’t really found home.
"I'm so glad you liked them. I hope you make lots of wishes."
"I haven't made a wish yet. I'm not sure what to wish for," she confessed.
"Well, what do you want?"
"Is it silly that I don't know?" She led Sophie down a hallway to the other side of the boat and led her into the room. "This is your room."
Sophie sat down on the bed and bounced a couple times. "Nice. Oh, is this memory foam?" She peeled back the sheet and squeezed the mattress below it. "Yeah." Sophie put the sheet back into place and pulled Livie down to sit next to her. "But back to important things. Your wishes. I don't think that's weird at all."
"Well, I'm sure being a psychologist, you hear a lot of weird stuff. So my silly little non-wishes don't register."
"I actually don't hear a lot of 'weird stuff' to be honest. Most people are just looking for an escape from grief, or for a connection. That's not weird at all. That's normal human behavior. We're herd animals. We need each other." She shrugged. "It's okay if you don't have anything you want to wish for. If it's Schrodinger's Wish."
Livie laughed. "Yeah, it's still a possibility as long as I don't use it up. It's still formless nothing, but everything at the same time. You're right."
"I like being right. It suits me."
"Definitely. It's the best summer fashion," Livie teased.
Sophie snorted. "Seriously, though? No one is actually trying to pressure you, you know that, right?"
The reassurance was nice, because even though it was all done light-heartedly, she felt an acute pressure to make a decision. To know exactly where she was headed and how to get there. "I know it's just teasing, but I do feel the pressure. Not just from the teasing, but from myself. This is terrifying. I already loved one man I lost to the job. I really can't do it again."
"Can't you? I mean, aren't you already doing it? You love Royce. Whether you're in love with him or not, you've loved him."
"I know, and that's pretty terrifying. I want to put it in a box and hide it away. That's what we were kind of doing this weekend. Not thinking, just being."
"Oh, and I screwed that all up, didn't I? I'm sorry. Let's pretend we're talking about all the tasty bass we're going to catch."
"No, it's okay. I was freaking out about it a little bit last night. So I’m glad you said something. I needed to hear it."
Sophie waggled her eyebrows. "Oh la la. How was your little escape alone?"
"Pretty amazing, actually."
"Do I get details?"
"That's the thing. There really aren't any. I got us a suite and there was a fire, and champagne, a hot tub, and chocolate covered strawberries. We had a picnic on the floor. He fed me strawberries, we drank champagne, we talked. He gave me a massage with the oil that was in our "romantic gift basket, and we held each other. We talked until dawn."
Sophie sighed. "I think that's the really romantic part. The real intimacy."
"I remembered you said that. I kept reminding myself of that when I wanted to tell him he needed to get to work and now," Livie whispered. "Because we didn't, that massage was even more erotic."
"I bet." Sophie fanned herself. "It sounds like it was something you guys needed."
"This weekend is, too. At first, when he asked, I thought I should've said no."
"Why?" Sophie gasped.
"Well, you know. Vacationing with the family." Expectations. Commitments. Acceptance of things she wasn’t ready to face, let alone agree to live with. Right now, they were riding the wave and she wanted to see where it went without expecting it to make landfall.
"Listen, you're part of my tribe no matter what happens with Royce," Sophie said.
"Yeah." She leaned back against the wall and let her feet dangle. "Funny how that happens, isn't it? Attachments just happen whether you want them to or not."
"If I was a different sort of person, I might be insulted."
They both laughed.
"I'm glad you know what I mean. It's just, loving people is scary. I don't even mean romantic love. Just letting someone into that space in your heart."
"Yeah, that's the thing, right? We don't really get to choose who comes in. The Coles are kind of rude that way. They just invade and set up house and there they are. No matter what you thought you had to say about it. Nope. Suddenly, you belong to them and they belong to you."
She didn’t want to think about that. About the belonging she both wanted and feared. "Why do I feel like Royce and Hayden are getting in to trouble up there without us?" Livie cocked her head to the side.
"Trying to change the subject or have you already developed the Cole Hijinks detector?"
"No, really. Don't you just... what are they doing?"
Sophie paused, holding herself very still. She seemed to be considering. "You're right. It's much
too quiet."
"Should we go see what they're into, or should we wait for the fallout?"
Sophie giggled. "I don't know. I’m really torn. As much as I love my wedding, I’m glad to get away from the planning and I know Hayden is, too. Let’s let them have their brother time and hope they don’t blow anything up in the process.”
"So that's how it's going to be, do you think?"
"Life with the Coles? Yeah, probably. I keep wondering what it'll be like if we have children." Sophie put a hand on her stomach. "Not yet, but eventually."
"Have you talked about it?" For a single moment, images of that kind of future burst fully formed into her mind's eye. The All American dream in small town America with the perfect boy next door.
Sophie gave her a soft, dreamy smile. "Yeah. It wasn't something I let myself want. After the parents I had... " She shook her head. "But with Hayden, I think it will be another journey we take together. He'd be a wonderful dad."
"And you'd be a wonderful mom."
"You really think so?"
"Of course." Sophie looked at her. "Did you ever want kids?"
"Yeah. I did. So much. Ben and I had decided to start a family right before he was killed."
"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry."
"It is what it is, as they say." Livie shrugged. "But if I squint really hard, I could see it with Royce. But that puts me back into things I promised myself I wasn't going to think about this weekend. That's not living in the moment."
"Or maybe it is. When something wants to be heard, sometimes you have to give it a voice."
"Yeah, so I should go ask him how many kids he wants? Should I write our names together on my notebook, too?" She didn’t dare dream that dream. What would she have done if she’d conceived before Ben died? Then where would she be? She could barely be responsible for herself, let alone another little human. Yeah, writing names on notebooks was much safer.
"Well, why not? Livie Cole. How does that sound?"
"Like a cross between a tornado siren and fairy tale."
"Honestly, I think that's how it's supposed to sound."
"Okay, I want to have a conversation not about men. Not my dead husband, not my possible future husband, not your husband."
