“Carmen has told me some of your story, but not a lot. Will she ever tell me the rest?” he asked, wanting to try and understand.
“No, she won’t. For Carmen the past and all that we went through are closed chapters in her life. She’s put them behind her and shut the door.”
He smiled, somehow managing a quick laugh. “Her stubbornness again, huh?”
Connie nodded. “Yes, but those times shaped her. The way those times in your life shaped you.”
Paul let out a harsh breath, stood, and paced again. “I had everything, remember?” he countered, throwing her own words back at her.
Connie rose and laid a hand on his shoulder to stop him. “I’m sorry, Paul. You might have had material things, but I understand there are other things you didn’t have that were more important. In some ways, that may have been harder than what we didn’t have.”
He said nothing, remaining stiff beneath her hand. “Someday you’ll have to find that spark of belief deep in your heart that you’ve shut the door on, like Carmen. That spark knows there’s a reason for everything, Paul.”
Paul shook his head and shrugged in disappointment. “There is no reason.”
Connie stepped before him, reached up, and cradled his cheek, forcing him to face her. “The reason is love. Believe it, she loves you. If you can’t have faith in that, then stay away and let her get on with her life. Eventually she will stop loving you.”
She wrapped her arms around his waist and gave him a tight hug. He remained stiff, unyielding, and after a minute she released him and left, giving him some privacy to consider all she had said.
Paul watched her go and sat down heavily in one of the chairs. Leaning his elbows on the tabletop, he cradled his head in his hands, tried to reach down deep into his heart and find that spark Connie had mentioned. The problem was that spark had been Carmen. She had been the one who had given him the strength to think love was possible for him. That even something as simple as a dance was possible.
But now there was nothing but emptiness and pain inside him. The future he had once believed could be so bright and happy was gone and he had been the architect of that destruction. But could he be the architect of rebuilding that destiny?
He knew that to do that, and to be fair to Carmen, he had to have faith. He couldn’t live his life as a leech, sucking all his emotional nourishment from Carmen, because in time, he would suck her dry.
Paul rubbed his hands across his face, brushed away the slight dampness at his eyes, rose, and started his search.
#
Carmen picked up the phone and dialed his number for what was probably the hundredth time in the last few days. With the wedding date coming at her like a runaway horse, she knew she had little choice this time. She had to talk to Paul and try to find some closure.
So she let the phone ring, then listened in dismay as his voice mail answered. The sound of his voice, even if only on the pre-recorded message, brought new pain. She hung up, but a second later, her phone rang and the caller ID flashed to let her know it was Paul returning her call.
He offered an apology. “Sorry. I just got back from a jog and was getting out of the shower.”
Carmen tried not to remember how he looked after a jog, all sweaty, muscles pumped. She braced herself, said, “Hi, Paul.”
He paused for a moment, as if unsure how to continue, but finally said. “How are you?”
“About as fine as you can expect,” she admitted honestly. “And you?”
“I’m … missing you.” There was another pause and then he rushed on. “Really, really missing you.”
Her heart clenched in her chest and tears came to her eyes. She closed them tightly and tried to keep her voice steady as she responded. “I miss you as well, Paul.”
He sighed on the other end of the line and coughed as if to clear his voice. When he finally responded, there was a gruff quality to his tones. “I wish there was something we could do to remedy that.”
Carmen nodded and then berated herself when she realized he couldn’t see her. It occurred to her then that maybe that was one thing they could try. “We could get together somewhere neutral and try to talk things out.”
Paul thought about what she had proposed and cursed. “Darlin’, with as much as I’m wanting you right now, I don’t even know if a neutral place could keep us from doing something stupid.”
For a second, he thought he heard a moan on the line, but Carmen immediately continued, her tones low and husky, doing all kinds of things to his insides. “Paul, you’re not playing fair.”
“But I am trying to be fair, mi amor. That’s why I haven’t called and have kept away.”
“That’s as stupid as the angry words we exchanged the other day. Words said in anger that we need to talk about.”
Paul sighed, dragged a hand through his hair, and plopped down into a chair in his bedroom sitting area. “They may have been said in anger, but they were honest. Admit it, Carmen,” he stressed.
“I was upset when I found the agreement.”
“And now? Are you any less upset now? Have you decided to sign it?” He waited expectantly for her answer, hope building inside of him like a fragile soap bubble. She burst it with one soft, simple word. “No.”
He sighed, hesitated, and at her softly voiced, “Paul?” he said, “What is it, Carmen?”
“Believe this, Paul. I loved you more than I ever thought possible. I’m sorry it wasn’t enough.”
The line went dead and his heart died along with it.
Chapter 18
Paul stared at the man across the table from him, uncertain of what he wanted. “It was nice of you to come over, Victor.”
“I wanted to see how you were doing. It’s been, what, two months?”
It had been eleven weeks, two days, and five hours but who was counting? Paul thought. He hadn’t seen Victor since the night they had all gone out to celebrate Connie’s birthday, just weeks before the wedding date. He hadn’t talked to him in the three weeks since the wedding date had come and gone, uncelebrated, but not unmourned.
“It’s been too long,” Paul admitted.
“I wanted to come by. See that you were okay,” Victor said, glancing at the home around him. “You have a very nice place here, Paul.”
Paul shrugged and nodded. “I like it.”
“And Carmen? Did she like it?” Victor questioned.
“Is that why you’re here? Did Carmen send you?” Paul asked, starting to feel anger and strangely enough, relief. If Carmen had sent him, there was some hope after all.
Victor raised the glass of wine Paul had set out earlier and took a sip before responding. “Actually, if either my wife or sister-in-law knew I was here, I’d be in big trouble. So I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention it to either of them.”
Paul studied him, but there was no sign of deception. He had come to like Victor and had sensed an instant camaraderie with the man, who had always been friendly. Still, there was some hesitation on his part. “I want to thank you for coming over, but I’m not really up to discussing Carmen with anyone, not even Carmen,” he said in response to Victor’s questioning glance.
“That’s fine because I didn’t come over to discuss Carmen. I came to see how you were doing. I thought we might get a bite to eat, relax.” He glanced over at the pool and sighed. “I might have even brought a suit so we could take a dip. Our pool’s being repaired.”
“Really?” Paul asked, wondering exactly where Victor was going with his visit.
“That last storm we had sent a palm tree crashing down into all the filters and pumps. It’ll take another week or so before everything’s up and running again.” Victor sipped his wine again. “So, are you up for lunch?”
He really wasn’t, actually. His appetite had been off ever since …. Well, he wouldn’t admit that. Carmen’s absence had wreaked havoc with him, but he wouldn’t let this man know. “I’d rather stay in, and come to think of it, I have an e
xtra suit you might want to borrow.”
“Great. You have food though, right? I mean, I hate to say this, but I’m starving.”
Again Paul considered him, wondered what game he was playing and yet, he was eager for the company. His house had seemed so empty lately and Victor’s presence, as unusual as it was, was a welcome respite from the emptiness. “I have some steaks we can grill. You do eat meat, don’t you?”
“Don’t all real men? How about we get changed and then make that lunch. Then we can hang out by the pool, that is, if you don’t have anything else to do,” Victor said candidly.
Paul shrugged. “Nothing to do. But what about you? Isn’t Connie expecting you?”
“Connie’s out with a friend. Some kind of girl’s day thing. I figured it’s about time I had a guy’s day, but … this is embarrassing to admit, but if I had a choice between Connie and the guys, she’d win hands down. So, I haven’t really been spending much time with my old friends, or with my new friends,” he replied and motioned to Paul.
When Victor smiled after his last statement, it was clear to Paul that he was lost in thought about his wife and decided to shock him out of it. “Yeah, me, too. If I had a choice of a going out with the guys or Connie, I’d choose Connie.”
Victor sat up straight, surprised, then grinned. “Paul, if I even had any doubt about your relationship with Connie, I’d tear you apart into little bits with my bare hands. But since I am well aware of how you feel for Carmen, I’ll let you live.”
Paul nodded and sadly replied, “Yeah, unfortunately you’re right.” He waited for the other man to make some comment, and possibly try to drag him into a conversation about his ex-fiancée, but he didn’t. So Paul did. “I’m surprised Connie isn’t out with her sister. They always seemed inseparable.”
The other man coughed, seeming suddenly uncomfortable, and Paul sat up, worried. “Everything’s okay with Carmen, isn’t it?”
Victor shrugged, grabbed the stem of his glass and shifted it back and forth on the table, avoiding Paul’s gaze. “Well … she’s fine. She’s just not home in Miami right now.”
He was taken by surprise and sat back heavily in his chair. “Where is she?”
Victor hesitated again, then finally responded. “In New York. She wanted to take some classes, and well … she needed to get away and I had a friend who was able to get her into the classes for this semester.”
New York? he thought and cringed. “Where is she staying? Is it somewhere safe? Who’s keeping an eye on her?” He wanted to ask more, but at Victor’s look he realized he had already said too much.
“The Gonzalez’s have cousins with a home there. They also own an apartment building near the university. Carmen’s cousin is finishing a Masters’ at Columbia, so it just seemed right for Carmen. The classes are going well and as recently as last night, Carmen seemed to be fine.”
Paul nodded and unclenched his hands from the arms of the chair, not realizing he had done so earlier. He rose and motioned Victor into the house. “Are we still on for that steak?
Victor hesitated for a second, then nodded and Paul led Victor into the house, where as promised, he lent him a bathing suit. He showed Victor a downstairs guest room he could get changed in, then went upstairs and changed himself.
When he came down, Victor was just exiting the room, and he called him over into the kitchen. Pulling two steaks from the freezer, he asked Victor what else he wanted.
“A salad or don’t real mean eat salad?” Victor joked.
“The salad fixings are slim. Some tomatoes and cucumbers in the fridge I think. Help yourself. I’m going to go toss these on the grill,” he said as he pulled off the freezer wrap.
Victor nodded and buried his head in the fridge. Paul went out onto the terrace, turned on the grill, and then tossed the steaks down. He closed it up and returned inside to where Victor was busy cutting up the vegetables for their salad.
“Do you want to eat outside or in?” Paul asked as he grabbed cutlery from a drawer.
“Outside seems like it would be nice today,” Victor said.
Paul nodded, remembering all the times he and Carmen had grabbed a bite on the terrace. It had always been great to sit out there beneath the shade of the palm and then go for a dip in the pool. He grimaced and wondered when he’d stop remembering everything he’d done with her.
“Paul?” Victor asked.
Paul turned, realizing the man had obviously asked him another question before that. “I’m sorry, Victor. I was … thinking.”
Victor nodded, seeming to understand. “I realize what you’re going through, Paul. It’ll get easier.”
Paul remembered then that Victor and Connie had broken up for a while. “Yeah, I recollect the grumpy phase of Connie’s life. She was pretty miserable to live with.”
The other man let out a short laugh. “Yeah, well so was I. Everywhere I went, all I could do was think about her.”
“Really?” Paul said, wondering when it stopped. “It takes some time, then?” he asked.
At Victor’s puzzled look, Paul clarified. “Time to forget.”
Victor stopped chopping and gave it some thought before responding. “It was close to a month. I’d go to sleep at night and my bed would feel empty. I’d wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, and remember how she’d looked in the shower.” He shook his head, resumed chopping. “I never forgot, but you will in time, Paul. It’s just too soon.”
Too soon, Paul thought with a groan and looked out to the grill. Moderate smoke came from beneath the lid, yet he still used that as an excuse to go out and give himself some space. He detoured to the table and dropped the cutlery there before returning to the grill. Once he was at the grill, he opened the cover and the smoke wrapped itself around him, stinging his eyes. Grabbing a tong, he flipped the steaks, closed the cover back up, and then remained there, thinking about what Victor had said.
It had been nearly seven weeks since he had talked to Carmen. Seven weeks of misery. Of walking around missing her. A day didn’t go by when he didn’t remember something they had done together. Something that had made him smile, feel alive. Without her, there was no joy in his life only pain.
Before her, he hadn’t realized that the pain could get any worse. Whatever he had felt over his parents and brother had been dulled by time and by his realization that he couldn’t change it. But now … the pain was with him from the moment he woke until he went to sleep. Now that he thought about it, it was with him even in his sleep as he dreamed about her. About all they had shared and all that he had wanted to come of their life together.
Behind him he heard the slide of the door and he turned. Victor was walking out of the house with a bowl of salad and plates. Paul walked over to assist him, taking the plates that had been precariously balanced on the top of the salad bowl.
“Thanks,” Victor said and smiled.
Paul followed him to the table and laid down the dishes. He hesitated for a second as the other man set out the cutlery Paul had brought out earlier. Then he asked, “I know this may seem impolite, but --”
“No, go ahead. I’d like to be friends, so ask away,” Victor replied, sat down at the table.
“I’m assuming your net worth --”
“Is well over a few million,” Victor answered honestly. “My parents are fairly well off and have given me money over the years. I’ve put aside my own million or so as a doctor.”
Paul nodded and gripped the frame of the chair before him, his hands tight against the metal. “Did you ever think about asking Connie for a prenuptial agreement to protect all that?”
Victor’s answer was quick and without hesitation. “Never. It would never have occurred to me to ask.”
“Why not?” Paul questioned, wanting to know what it was that had made this man so sure.
“She loves me. I never had any doubts. Do you?” he responded quickly.
“Do I what?” Paul answered, uncertain of what Victor meant.
“Do you have any doubts that Carmen loved you?” Victor pressured.
Paul had had doubts about many things in his life. But in respect of Carmen’s love? “I always wondered what she saw in me. How she could love me the way she did.”
“Seems to me your doubts aren’t about her love for you. They’re about you, Paul.”
Paul gripped the chair tighter, the pressure turning his knuckles white. “How do I deal with that, Victor? How do I convince myself that a woman as beautiful and loving as Carmen is capable of loving me for just me and nothing else?”
Victor studied him for long minutes, then shook his head and shrugged. “I don’t know how, Paul. But if your heart doesn’t know that her love is what makes you want to live, then what?”
He was spared from answering by the smoke billowing from the grill.
Chapter 19
Getting away had been the best thing she could have done, Carmen realized as she walked down the steps of Lowe Library and headed back to her apartment. The class work kept her from thinking too much and the New York environment provided little opportunity for introspection. There was so much to see and do, such a hectic pace between the classes and studying, that Paul barely crept into her mind.
Except for moments such as these, when the weekend was rising up before her, empty and lonely except for whatever sightseeing either she or her cousins had planned. Of course, she could accept one of the invitations she had received from her male classmates, go out on a date or to a party on campus. The problem was that they all seemed so young and immature compared to Paul and did nothing to stir her the way he had on that first Noche Buena. It seemed so long ago and yet in just over a month, it would be a year since she had first met him.
A year of so much promise and so much disappointment.
She shook her head, as if by doing so, she could shake off those thoughts. The problem was they had been there for days, prompted by her sister’s call about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. Carmen had never been away for the holiday, but it seemed a year for firsts and after all, it was New York and there was so much to see at this time of year. The big parade and a few weeks later, the tree in Rockefeller Center. And after that classes would be over just before Christmas and she could head home, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to.
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