I loved Alex Turner. I felt it deep in my bones. There was no mistaking it.
And I know he felt deeply for me too. I could tell by the way he looked at me, the way he touched me with tenderness, the way his lips lingered on mine just before we parted. I couldn't wait to get the words from him, hopefully tonight while he's making love to me.
Giddy with anticipation, I hurried home to shower, put on my red lace bra and panty set which was Alex’s favorite. I made a quick stop to pick up Chinese takeout and drove over to his place.
When I arrived at Alex’s, four bedroom house he shared with Cole and two other roommates, my heart sank just a little. The driveway and the curb out front were filled with cars. The garage door was open, and I could hear music and laughter coming from inside. Alex didn’t mention anything about a party when I spoke to him yesterday.
So much for my night of planned seduction.
I entered the house through the garage and passed five or six guys some of whom I’ve seen before but didn’t know their names. My general hello to the group was returned with a few nods and whassups before I continued through the door leading to the kitchen.
Morrison, Alex’s roommate, was sitting at the small kitchen table playing a drinking game with a group of other people. He was your typical rich kid with very little responsibility. His father purchased this house for Morrison and his friends to live in exchange for his son's agreement to finish college and get into law school. I laughed out loud when Alex told me about law school. There is no way this guy would ever live up to his end of that deal. His main goal in life seemed to be smoking weed all day and hooking up with as many chicks as he could. Period.
He was a very attractive guy, if long blond hair and scruffy beards were your thing but he was also the King of Bang and Bounce. Sometimes I worried if Alex was that way before he met me, you know, the company you keep and all that.
Morrison threw his head back at the table and laughed maniacally as he handed a petite girl a cup and shouted “Drink!”
His eyes fell on me, and the laughter in his expression immediately died.
“Uh...hey, Court.” He spoke up as he moved quickly away from the table and towards me.
“Hey, Morrison. Have you seen Alex?” I glanced around the crowded room uncomfortably. “I didn’t know you were having a party.”
“Yeah, well neither did I. These people were here when I got home.” He replied hurriedly before answering my question about Alex. “Haven’t seen him in a while. I...uh...think he said something about going for more beer. Why don’t you sit here and I’ll go call him.” Morrison placed his hand on my upper arm, trying to push me towards an open chair at the table.
“Oh, that’s okay. It’s kind of crowded down here.” I resisted. “I’ll just go up to his room and wait.” While I was speaking Morrison’s mouth opened and closed several times, reminding me a little of a fish before he just nods. I stepped past him and climbed the staircase.
Behind me I heard what sounds like a faint “Fuck” from Morrison followed by. “Not your problem, dude.” From a voice I didn't recognize.
Odd.
I reached the top of the stairs and walked to Alex’s closed bedroom door. I began to feel slightly uncomfortable about going into his room without his permission but pushed it away as soon as I heard loud roaring laughter from downstairs.
Yeah, we can’t stay here tonight.
I started to consider creative ways of convincing Alex to go to my place tonight that wouldn't force me to ruin my secret plan of seduction. Smiling, I pushed open the door and instantly had the wind knocked out of me from pure shock.
Alex was sitting on the edge of the bed with a girl straddling him as they kissed each other for all they were worth.
I gasped loudly as the air returned to my lungs, and dropped the take out bag to the floor with a splat, which alerted them both to my presence. I instantly met Alex’s guilty, wide-eyed expression before my gaze landed on the smug look on the girl’s face.
“Oh fuck. Court.” Alex wheezed as he pushed the girl away and stood. My feet began moving, and suddenly I was running away from the doorway, down the staircase and through the crowded house. I could hear Alex’s heavy footfalls behind me as he called my name. I made it out of the house and across the street to my car. I had just managed to slam and lock the door before Alex caught up to me and tugged at the handle.
“Court!” He shouted through the window and banged on the glass. “Wait. Please. Let me explain what that was.”
“Oh, I think I can see what that was.” I snorted out sarcastically. “No need to explain. I got it!” I put my key into the ignition, and the car cranked to life.
“Court. Please. It’s not what you think. Just let me talk to you.” He pleaded with his face lowered close to mine on the other side of the glass.
“It really doesn’t matter what I think. I know what I saw, Alex.” I shifted the car into drive. "Now move away from my car, or I’ll run your ass over.” I screeched.
“Listen, just give me a chance to speak and if you don’t like what I have to say, I’ll move out of the way. Just give me five minutes. Please.” The agony and desperation in his voice made me want to hear him out. I cursed my stupidity for even wanting to entertain his request as I let down the window, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to listen to him.
“Fine. Five minutes. Go.” I conceded in a clipped tone. Relief flashed in his eyes, and his shoulders relaxed slightly.
“Ok.” He paused and smiled at me shakily, just as he opened his mouth to continue we heard a voice call from the upstairs window.
“Alexander! I’m waiting. How much longer are you going to be?” I watched as Alex’s face went from relaxed to beet red with anger in three seconds flat.
“Shut up, Erica and get the fuck out of my room!” He turned and shouted up at the brunette in his bedroom window. Erica gasped in indignation.
“Who the hell do you think you’re talking to, Alexander Turner? You’re the one who called and asked me to come over. You know what? I’m done. I don’t care how many times you call me anymore and beg to fuck me. I. AM. DONE. You hear me?” With that, Erica slammed the window closed.
“Screw you! What do you care anyway?”
“Erica, I’m serious! I’m not coming after you.”
They were the couple I heard arguing at the concert.
My mind began to move in a million different directions, processing the entire scene.
He called her to come over tonight.
He called her.
Is she his girlfriend?
I could literally feel my heart cracking in my chest. How could I have been so stupid? I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing my tears so I quickly shifted the car into drive and pushed the petal all the way to the floor. Alex jumped away from the car and shouted for me to stop. I ignored him and drove as fast as I could away from the curb, the house and him.
Chapter Seven
Present.
“Shut up.” I giggle, I actually giggled. “There is no way. People do that in real life?”
“I’m not kidding. My brother is a technician for an office equipment company. They get a lot of calls to repair copiers that have been broken because of someone trying to make a copy of their butt!” Justin laughs along with me.
“That is ridiculous.” I say and let out a loud snort. Embarrassed, I cover my face with my hand. Soon both Justin and I are cracking up even harder. And we did for the rest of the afternoon.
Justin stopped by the office to pick up paperwork for a new project. I saw his black truck pull up to the building and secretly hope that he would come in to say hello. I couldn’t help the ping of excitement in my chest when he lightly tapped on my office door. There was something about the way he stood there in the doorway with a lazy grin, a tight black t-shirt and nice fitting jeans, the whole rugged workman look really working for him.
He sat in my office for a couple of hours chatting while
I went over his invoices and receipts.
It’s now 5pm, and Justin is walking me to my car. He takes my key fob from my hand, hits unlock, and pulls open the door for me. Feeling slightly awkward and impressed, I give him a shy smile as I settle myself into the driver’s seat.
“Thanks.” I say bashfully and hold my hand out for the keys. His fingers lightly graze mine as he places them in my palm. I will myself to not be affected by the way he is leaning down into the open doorway and clearly invading my personal space.
“How come you never say my name?”
“What?” I say in response, completely baffled by the randomness of his question.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say my name, Courtney.”
“Oh, I’m sure I’ve used your name before.” My chest tightens uncomfortably. I’m feeling all kinds of wrong having a moment like this with him. “Well, I should get going. I’ve got to pick up the girls.” I attempt to pull the door closed, but Justin doesn’t step out of the way. I glare up at him with an expression that clearly asks him to move.
“Say it.”
“Say what?” I reply dumbly, already knowing the answer.
“Say my name and I’ll back away.”
Speechless, I look away from him and start to chew my bottom lip. Justin reaches out and uses his thumb to tug my lip from between my teeth. My eyes involuntarily meet a pair of dark green eyes staring back at me with an intensity that overwhelms me. I want to pull away, but for some reason I can’t.
“I can’t do this…” I whisper trying to will my body to get on the same page as my brain.
“Say it, Courtney. That’s all I’m asking. I want to hear you say it and I’ll back away.” I consider his request for a moment. Hell, it was just a name. Why am I making a big deal out of it? I look back at him and decide to get it over with.
“Justin.” His name left my lips, sounding a lot breathier than I was going for. Even to my ears it sounded more like he was sliding into me, not standing a foot away like he was now. It must have sounded the same to him because his eyes grow cloudy and his lips part slightly. The buzzing of my cell phone thankfully interrupts the moment. I reach into my purse and see Alex’s name flashing on the screen. Guilt washes over me instantly. Why did that moment between us feel so good and when it should feel so bad?
“I’ve got to take this.” I wave my phone up for him to see. He clears his throat and nods quickly.
“I’ll see you later, Courtney.” He steps back, shuts the door and flashes me a smile before striding to his truck. I stare after him for a second in the side view mirror before swiping the answer key on my phone.
“Hi, babe. What time did your flight land?” I proceed to talk to my husband about everyday things like the kids, his trip and our upcoming Thanksgiving plans with the family, but deep down I felt like the worst kind of person. I am flirting with danger, and if I am honest with myself, a big part of me can’t wait to see Justin again.
*****
Justin was asking for trouble, and I wasn’t stupid. I saw the way his eyes lingered on places they shouldn’t like my chest when I leaned forward or at my lips when I spoke. I could pick up a hint of double meaning in some of the things that he said. Instead of doing anything to discourage him, I chose to file it the harmless flirtation category. Yes, I am a married woman but that didn’t mean it wasn’t nice to be flirted with. No lines would be crossed.
For reasons that I can't explain I start making special efforts with my appearance before going to the office. I take the time to do something more with my hair than the usual ponytail. I add soft curls, or clip it in various ways in the front or artfully twist it up in the back. Since I consider my eyes my best asset, I apply a little more makeup to make them standout. Saturday, I even dropped the girls off with my sister, Macy, so that I could have a “Me” day. Since having my babies, I haven’t spent much time on myself. While I managed to slowly lose the majority of my baby weight, I never bothered to buy clothes that better fit my shape. Most of what I wore included some pre-pregnancy items I could still fit or loose fitting things I bought at a heavier weight. Doing things for me never seemed like a priority. I always chose to pick up things for the girls and never for myself. DeeDee gave me a gift card for my birthday and made me swear to spend it on me and not the kids. It ended up being harder than I thought to stick to that promise.
So after a day of shopping and finding several outfits that fit my body and made me feel slimmer, I treated myself to a mani/pedi and endured torturous waxing. I hadn’t felt that good about myself in a long time. My thoughts would drift back to the Facebook photo of Alex and pretty Ashley Danielle. Not that I felt I needed to change myself for him, I knew that I needed to do this for me and my self-esteem. I can’t deny I hated how that photo made me feel. As much as I didn’t want to admit it to anyone but myself, I liked the attention I got from Justin. I liked that I could draw reactions from him. It made me feel desired. Something that Alex hasn’t made me feel in a while.
Soon I began looking forward to seeing Justin’s grinning face every morning as he handed me my favorite latte and muffin from the coffee shop next door. He never even asked me what I liked. He is just that observant.
Things between Alex and I have been touch and go. We have good days where we can’t keep our hands off of each other, and other days were we barely speak. He is still terrible about calling when he travels and I find another picture of him with Ashley Danielle. This one stays posted on Facebook. It is another group photo. He is standing next to Stiller and a few other people smiling at the camera while Ashley Danielle was in front hugging Stiller’s wife. To someone not seething with jealousy, it is an innocent enough photo. I still didn’t know who Ashley Danielle was, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask him. Will I be happy with any answer he provides?
She’s just a friend.
I don’t want her to be his friend. I want him to say he doesn’t know her at all, but I know it will be a lie. What if they are more than friends? Alex and I are drifting apart. We are having sex less frequently and I worry the reason is because he’s getting it from another source. God, that would kill me. I decide to tuck my head in the sand and hope the situation passes.
The night of Olivia’s dance recital changed everything. A week prior to the event, I helped Olivia design her invitations on the computer. She printed them and addressed them to everyone. She also wanted to deliver the invites personally to her attendees. I took her to work with me one day after school and she proudly strutted around like she was handing out golden tickets. She even gave Justin an invitation and beamed when he told her he wouldn’t miss it for the world. My conscience screamed “Danger, Court. Don’t bring this guy around your kids.” But stupidity got the upper hand and I didn’t put up much resistance. I knew he was going because of me, not because he wanted to see a bunch of kids in a rendition of The Wizard of Oz.
*****
“So what time is that recital tomorrow?” Justin asks before taking a bite of his sandwich. We are sitting at our “usual” table in the cafe across the street from the firm. We've been meeting here almost every day for a week.
“Six o'clock. Are you really planning to go, because you know you don't have to. I'm sure Liv will be fine.”
“Of course. I promised her. I always keep my promises.” He shoots me a handsome grin while shrugging. I study him for several moments while chewing. A sudden feeling of nervousness makes me fidgety so I shift to cross my legs. I am unprepared for the electric current that travels up my spine when my foot accidentally brushes his leg under the table. Instantly, I pull back and straighten myself. Justin's eyebrows raise in reaction before he clears his throat and grabs the glass in front of him.
“That's my drink.” I say to him as he sips the last of my iced tea.
“I know.” He replies, his eyes never leaving mine.
*****
Alex was supposed to fly home but ended up having to extend his Chicago visit another
night. Olivia was heartbroken that her daddy couldn’t make it, so I promised to stop at her favorite restaurant and let her eat dessert for dinner.
It is the end of Olivia's solo dance as Glinda and it was fantastic. Justin is sitting next to me and cheering loudly. He leans close to me and comments on how talented she is, and I agree. For a seven year old, she has a natural grace when she dances and I plan to help cultivate her gift. I think it's cute that he seems to be having a great time. The way he laughs beside me at the show, claps and whistles. I even hear him singing along to some of the tunes. I can't keep from looking over every so often and smile at him. Several times we lock eyes and linger longer than necessary. I find myself sitting there wondering if Justin and I look like a couple. He is a very attractive man, and I notice the appreciative glances in his direction from other women. I let myself imagine that Justin is my husband and we are watching our child’s performance. I wait for the guilt, but it doesn’t come.
I don’t remember the last time Alex attended one of these. Normally, I go alone. I sit alone. I cheer for my daughter alone. For a long time, I didn’t mind because I knew if Alex could be here he would but as time wore on I stopped expecting him to make it and began just buying a recording of her performances for him to watch later. This was it. This was our life.
My heart hurt a little for Liv because I knew how much she wished her daddy could be there. The only time I ever felt anger was when one of the other mom’s recently commented, “Girl, it is hard being a single mother. I'm sure you know how it is.” It never occurred to me that I looked like a single mom until I processed it all. First, Alex never went to rehearsals and rarely made it to performances. Second, I wasn't wearing my wedding rings anymore. At first it was because one of the diamonds had popped out of the band. It took me several days to find the time to take it in to be repaired. I went at least two weeks without wearing my rings and when Alex was home during that time he didn’t seem to notice. So I decided to leave them off to see how long it would take him to say something. That was five months ago. Yep, I look like a single mother.
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