“Right, but I thought we would discuss it before you got your mother involved in planning out our move.”
“Discuss! Discuss it when? Let’s be real, Court. You never wanted to move, and you were secretly hoping that the topic would die.”
My mouth flaps open and closes a couple of times as I grapple for a response that contradicts his accusation, but I can’t because he’s right. I don’t want to move, and I was hoping that he would come to this conclusion as well.
“See!” he sneers at me. “Just like I said.”
“Alex, I’ve explained why.”
“What about what’s best for our family? The kids. I’ve just been assigned the East Coast, it would make my travel shorter, and the girls will go to good schools. The same schools I went to. How many times have you complained about Liv’s teacher? My mom would be close by and can help look after the kids. You could go back to school for your Master’s degree like you’ve been talking about for years. Why the hell should we not move?”
“What about my family, huh? My mom and sister are here. I’ve got friends, a job that I like….”
Alex interrupts. “All I hear is I...I. What about us, Court?
“Alex, I won’t be happy there.”
“Yeah, well, I’m unhappy here.” He shouts and then runs a frustrated hand through his hair. I sit frozen in my seat, unable to move. Alex rarely raises his voice to me and when he does I know it’s not good. I also have a feeling I’m not going to like what he says next.
“I wasn’t going to say anything until I had all the details together but now seems as good a time as any.” My gut clenches painfully. “You asked who I was talking to on the phone? It was a realtor, someone I went to high school with. She is going to show me a few houses when I head up that way this week.” My mouth immediately snaps open to respond.
“Before you start flipping out,” Alex cuts me off again. “I wanted to come to you with a plan first and get an idea of the housing market before we seriously considered it.”
“Alex, I can't believe that you set all this up without saying anything to me. The last we talked about moving to Virginia, I was pregnant with Jordyn.”
“Well, I wasn’t ready then but I am now. It’s what I want, for my family, Court.” The finality of his last sentence reminds me of his mother’s earlier words.”
It is your place to support him. A good wife follows her husband.
It dawns on me in the most disturbing manner; he was raised with the expectation that the wife ultimately obeys the husband. It was the first time we've ever been on opposing sides of a situation.
He has just made this declaration with the assumption that I will follow. Submit.
“Do I even get a say, Alex, or are you making this decision all on your own?” I ask incredulously. His stubborn expression says it all. He isn’t interested in my opinion; his mind has been made up.
“Well, I’m sorry. I don’t work that way. I won’t be told by my husband what to do.” I spit out. Fuming, I walk back through the kitchen to see Rita wiping the counters with a sponge.
“I’m running out, do you need anything?” I hear myself ask, I wasn’t even aware that I was going anywhere. Rita stares at me for a moment before smiling sweetly and shaking her head. She knows she’s caused an argument between Alex and me and she doesn’t seem the least bit sorry about that. I am infuriated even more. Without another word, I grab my keys and leave the house.
I drive for a while with no particular destination in mind. My mind replays the conversation with Rita and later the argument with Alex. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I can’t think of a single good reason to not move besides the fact that I don’t want to. It feels like I'm being forced to do something, and that makes me only want to resist even harder.
My car jolts suddenly followed by a faint thump, thump, thumping sound. I turn down Sam Smith in order to investigate the noise and quickly realize that I have a flat tire.
I force myself not to panic as I pull over and look around to see that I'm alone on a dark road. I've never been one of those girls who can change a tire. I wouldn’t even know where to start so the best I can do is walk around the car until I see that my back left tire is flat.
Damn it!
I refuse to call Alex, so I scroll through my contacts for another person to help and before I know what I’m doing my finger is pushing Justin’s number. Ten minutes later I am watching his headlights approach from behind me. There is an unexpected ping of excitement in my chest at the fact he came immediately to rescue me.
He gets out of his truck and goes to the back to pull out what I assume are tire-changing tools.
“Hi.” Justin grins down at me once he reaches me. “A flat tire, huh?”
I look up at him with a suppressed smile, and shrug. He just shakes his head and chuckles, “You're an adorable mess, you know that?” He pinches my nose causing warmth to travel down my body and to my lower parts. I force myself not to dwell on this feeling.
“Thanks for coming all the way out here. I know it’s late.”
“Of course, you know I would do anything for you.” With that he sets to work on fixing the tire. It felt nice to hear that, a lot better than it should. I stand by watching and fidgeting with my fingers, not sure what to do with myself. Right now, I’m standing alone with him in the darkness with only a pair of headlights illuminating us and I don't have the desire to be any place else. The quiet night hides all of the things I know I'll have to face tomorrow.
Once he was done, he insisted on following me all the way to my house to make sure I got there safe and not once did he ask me why I called him and not Alex to help me.
When I arrived home, everyone was asleep. The door to the den was closed, and I knew Alex would sleep in there tonight. The rejection I felt by my husband’s action stung. Just as I’m settling myself into bed my phone buzzes.
Justin: WYR be lying next me or sleeping alone tonight?
Me: Justin, don't.
Justin: Goodnight, gorgeous. Sweet Dreams.
With an aching heart I fell into a dreamless sleep. The next morning, Alex drove himself and his parents to the airport. We didn't say another word to each other after the den conversation. The message he left was very clear. We are moving to Virginia as soon as he can arrange it. My mom and sister will be devastated. They’ve grown so close to the girls. And DeeDee? Oh, there is no way she’ll take this well. She’s my closest friend, and we have built a bond that I treasure. I can’t bear the thought of being away from these people.
The girls are playing a board game at the table while I'm preparing lunch. My head snaps up at the sound of the special phone chime I chose for Justin.
Justin: Hi.
I can’t help the smile that forms while reading his name across my screen.
Me: Hi
Justin: Is he there?
Wow, he doesn’t waste any time with small talk.
Me: No.
Justin: Until when?
Me: Thursday, I guess.
Justin: What time do the girls go to bed?
I hesitate before answering.
Me: 8pm...why?
Justin: I’ll be over at 9pm tonight.
Me: No, you can’t.
Justin: 9pm
Me: No.
Justin: 9 babe.
I don’t respond. I also don’t fight very hard because secretly I am looking forward to seeing him.
Chapter Twelve
Present
I am standing in my closet wrapped in only a towel trying to decide what to wear. I don’t want to look like I’ve dressed up specifically for Justin, but also don’t want to look like a slob, meaning my yoga pants and baggy t-shirt won’t work. I throw on a cotton all black maxi dress and shrug on my oversized gray sweater. I pull my hair up into a loose ponytail before I go and check on the girls who are fast asleep.
Just as I get downstairs, I hear the faint sound of Justin’s truck pull up in the driveway.
Deciding that it’s not a good idea to let him inside, I switch on the monitor that I keep in Jordyn’s room and grab the handset before slipping outside.
Justin is closing the door behind him as he senses my presence.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” I reply back ignoring the way my heart is speeding up at the sight of him. I feel like a teenage girl sneaking out of my house to spend time with a boy my parents don’t approve of. It’s silly how exciting and scary it all feels. What about guilt? Shouldn’t I feel guilty too?
“Are the girls asleep?” He asks, I guess in an attempt at small talk. Something I don’t have the patience for right now. I huff out an exasperated breath and glance nervously around my quiet neighborhood wondering for a second if standing out front with him is a bad idea. We are acquainted with our neighbors in the give-a-quick-wave when you see each other kind of way, though we’ve never spoken more than a few words to anybody on our street. When there doesn't seem to be any noticeable prying eyes, I focused back on Justin.
“What are you doing here?” I ask deciding to get straight to the point.
“First tell me what you are doing here?” He raises an eyebrow in amusement. What kind of response is that and why am I here?
“You insisted that you were coming over.” I snap out, “It didn’t seem like I had a choice.” He stepped closer to me and lightly grazes my arm with his fingers causing me to flinch at his touch.
“You always have a choice, Courtney.” He replies softly then glances down at his feet as he drops his hand. The real meaning of the statement his not lost on me.
“Justin, you don’t know everything.”
“I know that he’s never around.”
“He works.”
“I know that if you were mine I would make time.” Frustrated, I pace back in forth in front of him. Trying to decide what to say. What not to say. I can’t lie. It feels good to be wanted by someone. To be told out loud all of the things that I know deep down in my heart I deserve. Yes, Alex does work hard, but does it mean that he can’t find a few minutes during the day to call. But even then, don’t I deserve more than a few minutes. I’m his wife. The woman that he loves. The one person in the world that he can’t live without or so he says. I am tired of settling for crumbs when I’m entitled to so much more. And then, there is this gorgeous man in front of me, ready to hand me the whole cake.
“There is so much more at stake. I can’t just walk away from my marriage just because you asked me to. I barely know you, Justin.”
“Then get to know me.” He simply replies. He must have seen the confusion and indecision on my face so he continues. “Let’s start small. Spend one full day with me. I’m finishing a job over in Talbot Beach. Drive up Monday. Play hooky from work and just spend the day.”
The reason I knew I had feelings for this man is because I was actually considering it. Could I really spend a day with him? Talbot Beach was a small, but wealthy beach town about forty minutes away. My mind immediately went down a mental checklist. Alex was scheduled to fly out Sunday night for a Monday morning conference in Baltimore. I could get my sister Macy to watch the girls. I had plenty of vacation time because I rarely take days off. Mentally finding a solution to each problem gave me the thin justification I was seeking to go through with it. Before I could stop myself, I gave him the answer he was hoping for because in that moment, it was what I wanted.
“Okay.”
The smile that spread across his face was so huge that it had me wondering if I had just agreed to more than just having lunch and walking along the boardwalk with him. And maybe some part of me, way down deep, a place I wasn’t quite ready to acknowledge, had agreed to much more.
****
Alex returns home Thursday night from Virginia with a folder from his “realtor buddy” Jennifer.
I bet she has a blond bob and wears blazers with fashionable neck scarves.
He laid the folder on the counter next to me while I was preparing dinner. He didn’t say a word but gave me a pointed look, making it clear he expected me to look over whatever was in there. I didn’t intend to look at anything.
That folder could kiss my ass.
It clearly didn’t matter to him what I thought. I don’t want to move at all, so deciding on which house I liked the best was pointless. I like our house now. We bought it just after Olivia was born. It was a bit of a fixer upper but in the price range we could afford. Cole’s Dad helped us get all of the repairs taken care of and even some enhancements, all for just the cost of materials. Alex, Cole, Cole’s dad and a few of their friends spent nearly every weekend working on the house. They put in new kitchen counter tops, hardwood floors, knocked down a wall to expand the living room and built a large deck out back. By the time Olivia had turned one we were able to show it off to all of our friends at her first birthday party. I didn’t just like this house; I loved this house. It was our home. The place I wanted to live forever.
The folder sat in the same spot that entire night and the next. I didn’t even lift it. I wiped around it, and I might have spilled a splash or three of my morning coffee on it. By Saturday night, Alex asked me if I wanted to look at a few houses he had seen online. I told him I didn’t and would leave that up to him.
“Dammit, Court. Why are you fighting me on this? Why can’t you just try something I want to do for once? You always do this. It has to be your way or no way.”
“You’re not asking me to try a different flavor of ice cream, Alex. You are talking about uprooting our entire family and moving a thousand miles away. I’m sorry if I can’t just get happy and suddenly jump on board. I don’t want to move, and you’re forcing this on me.”
“Every. Big. Decision. We have always gone with what you wanted. For once can I please make the fucking choices for my family? I’ve explained to you why. Why won’t you just trust me and know that this is going to work out?”
“Trust? Trust? I trust you about as far as I can throw you!”
“What are you talking about?”
Realizing that I probably opened a door I wasn’t prepared to walk through, I remain silent. Alex isn’t having it. He gets up from the arm chair and walks to the couch where I am sitting.
“Go ahead. You obviously have something to get off your chest so just say it.”
“Alex, I don’t want to fight. The girls…”
“Are sound asleep. I just checked on them. I’ve been feeling like there is something going on between us for a while. And now you bring up trust. Do you think I’m cheating?”
“Alex, I--”
“No, answer the question. Do. You. Think. I’m. Cheating?”
“I don’t know. Okay.” I blurt out. Alex’s head snaps back as if I slapped him.
“What do you mean, you don’t know? You clearly think you know something. So let’s hear it.”
“Who is Ashley Danielle?”
Alex’s eyes go wide, indicating that my question took him by surprise. His mouth opens and closes several times; probably trying to think of an answer he can get away with.
“She’s a friend?” His answer sounded more like a question.
“I mean, are you asking me or don’t you know what you are to her. You only pose in pictures while having dinner with her every time you go to Texas and post them on Facebook.” I snort.
“Court, stop. Ash is Stiller’s sister. It’s not like that with us.” Us. So there’s an us. An Alex and Ashley us.
“Oh, great. Thanks. That all makes perfect sense.” I shrug, feigning indifference though it was obvious his answer didn’t help one bit especially the part where he shortened her name to just “Ash.” Bitch.
I wait a few more moments to see if he would continue to elaborate, but he only stares back at me with pressed lips, as if he expects me to say something more. Fuck it.
“You know what. It doesn’t even matter anymore.” I get up from the couch and try to walk past him, but he grabs my arm firmly, not enough to hurt, but I knew I
wouldn’t be able to continue walking. So I stopped and glared at him. The brown eyes I used to spend so much time dreamily gazing into were now staring at me with anger and uncertainty.
“What doesn’t matter anymore?” He chokes out. His voice is so full of hurt that I could have burst into tears right now at the way things were playing out between us. I knew my words had hurt him, but he was hurting me too. So I steel my emotions enough to reply.
“All of it.” I answer with more confidence than I felt and yank my arm from his grasp. I kept my eyes averted the whole time, not wanting to look at his face to see what effect my words had on him. Would I see hurt or relief?
By the time I made it up the stairs, I was sure I would pass out from lack of oxygen. I refused to release any of the sobs I was holding in my chest until I closed the door to my bedroom and then the one in the bathroom followed by the running water of the shower. Only then did I let go. Loudly and with abandon.
I promised myself that night that if Alex came upstairs to bed, I wouldn’t go through with my plan with Justin. Then the next morning I promised myself if he tried to talk to me, I wouldn’t do it. Then if he at least kissed me goodbye like he normally did before he drove to the airport, this could all be saved. I wanted so desperately for him to show me any sign that he wanted there to still be an us. An Alex and Courtney. Hell, I would have even taken a glance in my direction with anything other than indifference.
I got none of those things. He didn’t come to bed. He didn’t try to talk to me. He didn’t look at me. He only kissed the girls goodbye and left without so much as a "fuck you" in my direction. That was it. It was done.
I picked up my phone.
“Macy, are you busy tomorrow? I have something I need to go out of town for and was hoping you could do me a huge favor by watching the girls and maybe keep them overnight?”
Decision made.
Chapter Thirteen
Present.
I’m sitting in my car, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel and staring at the words “Reserve Now” on the tiny screen in front of me. I sent Justin a text this morning after I dropped off the girls at my sister’s, letting him know that I still planned to drive up. He replied immediately giving me the address of his construction site asking me to meet him there. I came home to change and grab an overnight bag and then quickly Googled hotels in Talbot Beach on my phone. My search returned with “The Bella Vista.” It looked like a lovely place, so I decided to book a room and not think any further about whether I would actually use it. Now I’m staring at the last steps of the booking stage with my finger hovering over the words that could change everything. What would Justin say if he knew I booked a room? Would he assume we would use it. Do I want to use it with him? What if we do? Something to the left catches my eye, and it takes my brain a moment to comprehend what I’m seeing.
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