No, he couldn’t just call her. But he would ask someone—hell, there was only Julie—to arrange a meeting And, God knew, he hated to ask any more of her. He wanted to throw away the crumpled sheet of paper in his fist, but he resisted Instead, he smoothed out the paper, folded it and put it in his pocket
Ryan was stretched out on a step of her porch, a book in his hand, when Julie arrived home. She had taken particular care with dressing this morning. She wanted everyone to know she wasn’t hiding, that she didn’t give a damn what the press said, or what her neighbors said or what the world thought.
She didn’t know that many people at church She attended often because she wanted Nick exposed to the good parts of religion the kindness, the compassion, the generosity. But she’d never really become a part of it herself, had never allowed herself to really get involved in anything since her husband’s death.
Ryan stood when she drove up, and she was struck again by the easy grace of his movements. At Reidsville, he’d reminded her of a caged panther, but now she realized it was more the long-legged grace of an athlete, the same kind she’d noticed among the Atlanta Braves players
As he sauntered over, she recalled what Tim had said about a car Perhaps it was time to discover whether he remembered how to drive She was sure he did Still.. he would have to obtain a license and he would need practice after so many years A high school was nearby and the parking lot in back would be empty It should be safe enough where public streets were not, Ryan did not need a charge of driving without a license
“Get in ” She tried to make it an invitation rather than an order. He gave her a quizzical look.
“Let’s see how you drive ”
He gave her that odd curl of his mouth that she hadn’t decided was smile or frown “Trust me that far?”
“If you can fix cars, you should be able to drive one.”
He looked at the driver’s seat longingly
“Tim told me he has a car you can use Maybe buy ”
“I have other debts ” He meant her
“You need a car in Atlanta.”
“I can’t keep taking from you forever,” he said slowly, his hand on the door.
“Call it curiosity,” Julie said with exasperation “I want to know whether you can ”
It was a challenge she knew he wouldn’t turn down. He walked over to the passenger’s side, opened the door and folded himself in He looked at Nick in the car seat in back. “You’re going to risk him?”
“We’ll make it simple,” she said.
She drove to the high school and around to the back where they wouldn’t be seen, then changed seats with him She watched him study every part of the car, and suddenly she knew he’d probably been doing the same thing with cars at the garage. She wondered whether he had driven one there. Suddenly she knew he had. He had a certain gleam in his eyes. Even expectation. Amusement.
He was going to enjoy this
Her heart jumped The old Murphy was said to be humorless This one, however, was showing promise
She crossed her arms as he very neatly backed up, turned and drove around the boundaries with an ease even she didn’t have
“You’ve been practicing,” she accused
“Johnny urged me to drive yesterday.”
“You know if you had gotten caught.” She didn’t have to finish. He knew.
“We were careful ”
“I don’t suppose it took long to remember.”
“No,” he agreed simply. “Except for all the gadgets. I think they were created to confuse.”
She grinned. “So they are.”
“What about baseball?” said a disgruntled voice in the back.
“You’ve got it, pal.” Ryan parked, then changed seats with Julie.
“So when are you going to get a license?” She knew better than to offer to help him in that endeavor She’d already sensed how reluctant he was to ask for any more help than he must.
“Tim knows a driving inspector. He’s going to bring a manual to the garage ”
He’ll master that in seconds. Just as he’d apparently wrapped both Tim and Johnny around his fingers. But then it was difficult—no, impossible—to resist that insistent curiosity and unexpected competence
When they drove up to her house, he got out and opened the gate as she drove in.
“I’ll get Nick,” he said when she stopped, his eyes focused on her as she got out of the car.
She was suddenly glad she’d worn her coral suit. It was the one bright outfit in her closet that was otherwise filled with dark power suits and jeans; she’d almost not bought it, but the color had been so vivid she hadn’t been able to resist. Now she was glad, as she saw admiration gleam in his eyes.
She also felt awkward under his gaze. “I have to change,” she said. “So does the Munchkin if he’s going to toss balls.”
She gave Nick the key to the house and watched him run up the stairs, eager to change and “play baseball.”
“You wanted to talk to me?” she asked now that Nick had gone.
“The priest you mentioned,” he said hesitantly. “Have you any more information?”
The humor had disappeared from his eyes. So had the warmth. Instead they were steely with determination.
Though his stance looked lazy, she saw the tension in the broad shoulders, and she was struck with the extraordinary force of his presence, his vitality. Had he the same magnetism ten years go? No one had mentioned that, though almost everyone had recalled his intensity, his drive, even his ruthlessness in achieving a goal.
“I don’t think Jerry’s had any luck yet,” she said “We’ll continue looking tomorrow.”
“What about your job?”
Her heart sank. “I just finished a project,” she replied.
He stood there, his hands in his jeans but his eyes bored into her For a moment, she feared he sensed the truth.
“I want to help.”
She wanted to ask him when. But she saw that stubborn set of his jaw. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer.
“I’ll ask Jerry to come over tomorrow night. We can go over everything then”
“The investigator,” he recalled. “I’ve never met him.”
“No.”
He looked at her curiously, and she knew her answer was flat. Jerry was still skeptical about Murphy, and he’d been particularly opposed to her renting Murphy the apartment.
Murphy seemed to sense her reluctance. “Tell me about him ”
“He used to be an investigator for the district attorney’s office ”
“Was he there when I..was with the police department?”
“Yes.”
Murphy sighed “Then I want to talk to him, too.”
Julie nodded.
“I called that detective who visited me in the hospital,” he said, and she realized that he had spent the morning preparing an agenda. He wouldn’t stop until he had the answers he needed
Her eyes must have shown surprise because he hurried on as if afraid she might think he broke into her house “I used a pay phone at the service station on Peachtree.”
Darn. She had tried to think of everything for the apartment, but she hadn’t thought of a telephone. Of course, he needed a telephone, especially if he was determined to do his own detective work. And she wasn’t going to try to stop him He hungered to know about himself, or at least the man he’d been before the accident
Under similar circumstances, she thought she would, too. The haunting empathy she shared with him flared anew. That had been her problem from day one, from the first moment she’d seen him in the hospital bed. This man had almost died saving her, and in that moment his life had become linked with hers in some inexplicable way.
What if he had been a cold-blooded killer? Would she still feel that way?
“You need a phone,” she said. “I’ll see to it tomorrow.” She would also order caller I.D. service for herself. If the gentleman with the angry voice called again, per
haps he would not be so anonymous.
Murphy’s back was stiffening again. That damned pnde of his. He’d been forced to accept her help, but now he was struggling for independence. He was succeeding beyond anyone’s wildest expectations, but obviously it wasn’t enough for him.
“You pay for it,” she said hurriedly. “From what Tim tells me, you’ll make enough in overtime to buy the city. But if it’s on my account you won’t need a deposit. I’ll also make that number unlisted. The newspapers hopefully won’t find it”
She changed the subject before he could object. “Did you reach that detective? Banyon?” She had written down the name and it stuck in her mind, especially since he was the only one of Murphy’s former acquaintances to bother with so much as a hello
“No, but I left my name ”
Just then Nick came bouncing out of the house, his shirt inside out and the fly of his jeans unzipped. He had, however, put on his tennis shoes
Murphy’s eyes went to him. “I’d better get a ball.”
“Can I come with you?” Nick asked.
“If your mother says so ” Two pairs of eyes—one dark blue and the other hazel—stared at her.
Julie remembered his reaction earlier when she seemed to hesitate about letting him play with the boy. “Of course.”
She wanted to offer to do his laundry while they played, but she thought she would wait for a better time So she turned and went inside to change her own clothes. Perhaps she would make some chocolate chip cookies.
She didn’t have anything better to do.
Julie’s eyes followed her son up the stairs of the garage, and she felt unsettled Lonely. Even a little forsaken. Her job was gone. Now she was also losing a part of her son to the man who was still a stranger in so many ways.
Pain started to crowd in back of her eyes, and she was conscious of a slight mist blurring her vision.
After a moment of indulging in self-pity, she snapped out of it. She was lonely? How must Murphy feel? No one had ever been as alone as he’d been, and she’d never seen even one mmute, one mini-second of self-pity. He’d just picked himself up and charged ahead
Well, dammit, she was going to do the same thing
She marched to the bedroom, exchanged the suit for her own blue jeans and a warm sweatshirt. Then she ran her brush through her hair. It had been a long time since she’d played baseball.
Ryan concentrated on the ball. He threw it as gently as he could to Nicholas, who tried as hard as he could to grasp it. But his hands were so small.
Ryan moved closer and closer until Nicholas caught it two or three times, his serious face, pinched in concentration, lighting like a lamp turned on in a dark room at every success, Ryan’s heart thumped harder every time Nick grinned, at the uninhibited pure joy of the boy. For the first time, he felt truly relaxed, truly content Then, like a lightning strike, something flashed through his mind like a film clip A hand coming down toward him. Fear. No, terror. Then whatever it was disappeared, leaving a residue of panic. He’d felt panic before. He’d known it in the hospital when he’d discovered his mind was blank, again when he’d been told who and what he was- But this was different. Soul deep
“Ryan ..Mr Murphy.”
The note of concern startled him. He suddenly realized he was just standing still, the ball rolling on behind him. Apparently Nick had thrown it. How many seconds, minutes, had he stood there?
He forced himself to move from his frozen position. “It’s okay, partner.” But it wasn’t. The panic was still there, welling up inside his mind. He heard it in the hoarseness of his voice, felt it in the rapid beating of his heart. Where had it come from? That picture?
The other one had been benign This was not He felt as if evil had just traveled through his soul
Nick’s face was screwed up anxiously, his wide eyes staring at him.
“We’ll try again,” Ryan said, fighting to control the demon suddenly loosed inside him He took several strides and leaned down to scoop up the ball. “Just once more.”
He moved closer to Nick and threw it as softly as he could, but even then it had a power he didn’t expect. Nick tried to catch it, but instead it hit his chest, and he let out a little oomphhhh and tumbled.
Ryan’s breath stopped and, in four strides, he was next to Nick, kneeling, his hands going around the boy Such a small fellow “Are you hurt?” He barely managed the words.
Nick shook his head as his hps seemed to quiver.
Ryan picked him up and dashed for the kitchen door just as it opened “The ball hit him,” he explained tersely. “It was my fault.”
“Put him on the sofa,” she said, leading the way to the living room. Once there, he very carefully set the boy down and moved away for Julie.
She sat on the sofa next to Nick and started a gentle questioning, then opened his shirt. There was a red mark and she touched it gingerly.
“I’m okay, Mommy,” Nick said impatiently. “I want to go back out.”
She sat back and looked up “I think you can stop worrying Boys tumble.”
“I threw the ball too hard.” He refused to excuse himself Guilt weighed heavily on him. What did he know about small boys? What if the ball had hit Nick’s head? What if? He recalled the fierce pain in his head when he’d first emerged from unconsciousness. That sudden flicker impression...whatever it was had completely distracted him, and it still haunted him.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean...”
She stood, her eyes meeting his. “Of course, you didn’t.” Her eyes met his, and the tension started to fade from him. They were so full of understanding, so...very pretty. She had looked spectacular this morning in the coral-colored suit, its brightness contrasting with her gray eyes and dark hair combed back into a sleek knot, but then she seemed untouchable, too perfect and too pretty to touch. He far preferred her this way. The jeans were snug but not right, neatly encasing trim but rounded hips and slender legs The sweat shirt had a zipper front which settled nicely over well-proportioned breasts. She’d released the hair from the slick, sophisticated bun and it swung easily around her face.
She looked delectable One kind of tension faded from his body and another replaced it.
But the remnants of that brief hint of memory, the bleakness it had created inside him warned him. Was his memory returning? Or parts of it? And if it was, what if it was filled with that sense of malevolence he’d felt. Could he bring it into this house? To Julie and to a young boy?
His face must have revealed something, because Julie was staring at him “What is it?”
He shrugged. How could he describe those two odd glimmers of what must have been the past A baseball coming at him? A hand raised? They’d been so fast that he wondered whether they really had been memories Or imagination.
But she wasn’t going to let it go. “Something’s happened.”
He wasn’t going to he “I had a..couple of flashes.”
Her eyes riveted on his “What kind of flashes?”
“Like photos developing in my head But they disappeared so fast, I’m not even sure they weren’t thoughts, imagination. Hell, I don’t know what.”
“What were they?”
“One was a baseball coming at me.”
“The other?”
“I’m..not sure.” How could he explain that sensation of dread, of something far more dangerous?
“You should see Dr Dailey. At least, tell him about them ”
He was tired of doctors, weary of their tests and their contradictory conclusions. Other things—like making a living and paying Julie back for her time—seemed more important. His parole didn’t include mandatory visits to a psychologist or neurologist, although treatment had been part of Julie’s plea.
“They were too quick, more like impressions than anything else.”
“Maybe it means your memory is coming back.”
Nick had been forgotten for a moment, and he was wriggling impatiently, obviously disgruntled at
no longer being the center of attention.
“I think you need some quiet time,” Julie said. “Why don’t you draw Ryan another picture.”
“But I want to play catch again.”
“Not any more today, Munchkin ”
Nick’s face fell.
“And you need more padding,” Ryan said. “And a bat.”
“For real?”
“For real ”
“I don’t hurt,” Nick said, obviously afraid his tumble might affect future sessions.
“I think you are a very brave boy,” Ryan said- “And I would like another picture” He hated manipulating the boy, but he was suddenly getting very warm, and he knew he needed to get away. He needed to be alone. He needed to think about what had happened, and what it meant. Just as strongly, he needed to get away from Julie. He wanted her too much. He already felt his body responding to the...intimacy between them. And after this afternoon, he felt stronger than ever that he couldn’t bring his baggage into her life. Not until he understood it better. Not until he knew exactly what happened ten years ago.
After they watched Nick trundle off to gather paper and crayons, he turned toward the door.
“It really wasn’t your fault,” she said.
He just kept going.
Why was it that whenever Murphy left, the house felt suddenly empty? It had never felt that way before. She’d loved every nook and cranny because it had been all hers. But he filled it with an energy and vibrancy that made it come alive, and made her realize how much she’d been using it as a hiding place rather than a living place.
She didn’t think she would ever forget the look on his face when he’d brought Nick in, the tenderness with which he held her son
Julie thought back to her meeting with Mary Elizabeth Saddler. She’d said she thought her daughter was the only person he’d loved Even with his daughter, he’d apparently held back. As if she were made of glass.
Real fear—the kind that came with worry for someone else, not self—had shone in Murphy’s eyes. So had guilt, although the ball had barely caused the slightest bruise, and certainly Nick had taken far harder falls in his play with Abby. He’d also been reluctant to talk about that second memory, but it evidently had made some kind of impact.
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