She trailed off, not wanting to cry in front of him.
‘Pepper, I’m so sorry.’
The lightest touch on her shoulder.
She shrugged, still unable to speak.
‘But you know it’s not your fault, right?’
Pepper sighed.
‘Sometimes I believe that, but then other times I can’t help but blame myself.’
Samuel shook his head. Pepper could read sympathy in his expression.
‘You were what – ten?’
‘Thirteen. So?’
‘So, you were only a kid.’
‘But I let her down,’ she said. ‘I let them both down – Bethan and my mum.’
‘Pepper,’ he said, waiting until she looked at him. ‘It was an accident. What happened to Bethan was nobody’s fault – not really. It was a stupid, horrible accident.’
Her father had said the same thing, and so had Keira. But it was easier for them – they hadn’t been there.
Pepper shook her head and fought the urge to put her hands over her ears. She wanted to drown out his kind words. This was her guilt – the mound upon which she had somehow ended up building her entire life.
‘Your mum doesn’t blame you, does she?’ Samuel asked. ‘That’s not the reason the two of you are so uncomfortable around each other?’
‘You noticed then?’ Pepper’s head was in her hands.
‘If that really is the case, then it’s wrong of her,’ he said gently. ‘I don’t mean to intrude or anything, but there is so much wrong with that. You can’t carry on as if this whole thing is your fault, and she can’t carry on letting you.’
Pepper thought longingly of Finn, of how safe she had always felt in his arms, away from the reality of all this – of her life. He had never asked her these questions or pushed her to confront her demons. Finn was accepting of who she was right now, and what the two of them could be in the future – he had never thought to delve into her past.
Samuel turned in his seat until he was facing her and put his large hands on each of the elbows that she had clamped so rigidly to her sides.
‘This is why you can’t decide what to do about the Finn situation,’ he said kindly. ‘Because your life is on hold, stuck in a weird limbo – and I’m afraid it will be until you have this thing out with your mum properly.’
Pepper looked at him; she felt wrung out from the effort of not crying.
‘You really think so?’
‘Trust me,’ he said, offering her a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘I know so.’
Chapter 44
Pepper managed to push aside any lingering emotions long before they sat down for dinner. She could have kissed Samuel, who not only kept the conversation going at their table but invited others to join it too, thus ensuring that by the end of their first evening in Guernsey, the three of them had become acquainted with at least half the wedding party.
Her mother, however, seemed to retreat into herself more with every passing hour. She kept staring vaguely off into space, losing the thread of a conversation and forgetting to reply when someone asked her a question. Pepper knew the circumstances were likely getting to her – she was about to attend the wedding of her ex-husband, after all – but she wished her mother would at least try to battle through. She had always accepted her misery so passively; it seeped into her like water would a sponge. Not for the first time, Pepper found herself feeling helpless, wanting to help but not knowing how, then ending up frustrated with both herself and her mother.
In the end, she was glad to wave her off when she went up to bed. And even though she knew the mood had changed, Pepper still went to sleep later that night with hope in her heart – hope that they could at least make it through the following day without any drama.
‘Is that what you’re planning to wear?’ was her mother’s opening comment, as Pepper met her in the hotel reception area the following morning.
Pepper prickled.
She had been delighted to unearth the shocking pink dress amongst a sea of boring black ensembles on the rail at Oxfam. It was a couple of sizes too large for her, but Pepper thought she had done a decent enough job of taking it in around the bust area. She loved the way the sweeping chiffon skirt tickled her ankles, the hem hanging just high enough to show off her trusty gold sandals. Her hair had dried all crinkly the previous night, so she hadn’t needed to do much more than pin a few bits up, and she’d even painted her nails a deep, rich blue. The overall effect had worked quite well – or so she had thought.
‘I was going for a “Molly Ringwald at the end of Pretty in Pink” vibe,’ Pepper replied, putting her clutch bag down on the arm of a sofa.
‘And look,’ she added, pointing to her chest. ‘I’m wearing the brooch you got me.’
The clock on the wall confirmed that it was past eleven, which must be why her mum felt it was acceptable to be drinking prosecco.
‘But no hat?’ her mother went on. She was dressed in a predictably understated pastel-blue trouser suit, complete with matching bag, shoes and pillbox hat with a tiny veil attached.
‘Please don’t do this all day,’ Pepper said wearily.
‘I’m only making conversation.’
‘No, you’re not. You’re picking.’
‘I was just saying th––’
‘Yes, Mum, this is what I am wearing, and what’s more, I like it. I think it looks nice. And I’m sure the Guernsey sunshine is not harsh or dangerous enough for me to require a hat.’
‘I suppose all of her family will be properly attired.’ Her mother sniffed. ‘You know she comes from money?’
‘Good for her,’ Pepper countered, in a snappier tone than she had meant to. Building a new and more honest relationship with her mother was never going to happen if Pepper allowed herself to be drawn into sniping matches. It was clear her mum was on edge – probably because she was about to meet the family of her ex-husband’s new wife – and it was understandable that she would be keen to make a good impression.
Pepper decided to be the bigger person.
‘Shall I get a glass, too, so we have a toast?’ she suggested. ‘To being here, on this beautiful island?’
Her mother almost smiled.
‘If you insist, Philippa.’
They made it through the ceremony without incident, Pepper on one side of Samuel and her mum on the other. He had dressed for the occasion in a lightweight grey suit, and after catching sight of Pepper in her upcycled frock, had proclaimed her to be ‘pretty as a pink-ture’, to which she groaned and rolled her eyes in mock despair.
It was impossible not to get caught up in the romance of it all, and when Keira floated by in her flouncy white dress, the tears on Pepper’s cheeks were of genuine happiness. No expense had been spared when it came to the decorations, and as they were ushered into the ballroom where the wedding breakfast was taking place, Pepper was amused to find monogrammed ‘Mr and Mrs’ balloons, goldfish in vases on the tables and photos of the happy couple strung up like bunting around the walls. She had only seen her father for long enough to say a brief congratulations but noted that he looked happy – if a little exhausted. That was to be expected, Pepper had thought, when you married someone twenty-two years your junior. For the first time, she wondered now if Keira would want any children of her own and was surprised to find that the idea wasn’t all that horrifying. It might even be nice to have a new baby in the family.
There was champagne circulating and bottles of wine on every table, and Pepper continued to drink as the first two courses came out. She had been seated at a separate table from the others, and assumed that Keira was the one behind it, having witnessed the frostiness between Pepper and her mum at the pub all those weeks ago. She must have thought she was doing her new stepdaughter a favour by teaming her up with a group of people her own age.
‘How do you know the bride?’ she asked the girl next to her, who was tall and blonde with a place card that read ‘Hayley’ in swirly le
tters.
‘Pony Club,’ she said, smearing half a dish of butter onto her bread roll. ‘Kezza used to ride when she was younger, but she gave it up to crunch numbers instead.’
‘I thought she was a secretary,’ Pepper said, contemplating her smoked salmon. The lemon wedge had been wrapped in muslin – she must slip it into her bag to use for a collage.
‘Nope, global marketing manager,’ Hayley told her. ‘Whatever one of those is. You’ll have to excuse me – I work as a riding school instructor, so I have very little idea about the corporate world.’
‘Me neither,’ Pepper agreed. Then, glancing across at the empty seat on the other side of her, ‘Do you think whoever Evangeline is will mind us pinching her starter?’
‘Oh, I shouldn’t think so.’ Hayley leant across and picked up the plate. ‘She’s not coming – couldn’t drag herself away from her new sister.’
‘A new sister?’
‘Yeah.’ Hayley topped up Pepper’s wine. ‘It’s a long story with a very happy ending. Anyway, who are you here with?’
‘My mum is over there,’ Pepper told her, pointing across and catching Samuel’s eye. He had tucked his napkin in around his shirt collar and gave her a thumbs-up.
‘She’s a beauty like you,’ Hayley said. ‘And that guy reminds me of a younger, hotter Will Smith.’
‘You’re not the first to say so.’ Pepper laughed. ‘But don’t tell him that, whatever you do. We don’t want him getting a big head.’
‘I doubt he’d care much what I thought,’ Hayley pointed out, as she looked from Samuel back to Pepper. ‘From the way he keeps staring over in your direction, I would say there’s only one person at this wedding whose opinion means anything to him.’
Pepper almost choked on her champagne.
‘You’ve got it all wrong,’ she said, scooping up a slice of the missing Evangeline’s salmon. ‘We’re just friends.’
‘That’s what I used to say about Billy,’ Hayley said, resting both her elbows on the table and knotting her fingers together. ‘And we just celebrated our first anniversary.’
Pepper’s second ‘congratulations’ of the day was interrupted by someone tapping their knife against a glass, and she turned in her seat just as her father stood to make his speech.
‘I want to start by thanking you all for coming,’ he began, and Pepper swilled from her glass, only half listening as he rattled on about what a fantastic job the bridesmaids had done, and how lucky he was to have found such a wonderful woman to marry.
So far, so standard.
‘I also wanted to mention my beautiful daughter, Philippa,’ he went on, to which Pepper shifted uncomfortably in her seat. ‘Who I am so happy to see here today.’
He paused for a moment as he searched through the faces, eventually finding Pepper’s and crinkling his eyes with affection.
‘I know that I haven’t always been the best dad,’ he blundered on, his voice cracking as Pepper felt the heat rising up across her cheeks. ‘I probably could have done more, been around more, been on your side more,’ he added, this time looking towards his ex-wife. ‘Keira has made me realise that I need to do better, and that I have some making up to do. I hope this can be the first of many apologies, and perhaps the first brick towards all of us building a better future – one where we can better support one another.’
There was a crash as Trinity’s chair hit the polished wooden floor, and Pepper knew she could not have been the only person who heard her mother’s audible sob as she fled from the room.
Chapter 45
‘Mum?’
Pepper gave the toilet cubicle door a tentative knock.
‘Are you OK?’
Nothing. She put her ear against the wood, heard a faint sniff.
‘Come on, Mum,’ she tried again. ‘Don’t take what Dad said to heart – you know he didn’t mean it as a dig at you.’
Pepper recoiled as the toilet lid was slammed down, only just stepping back just in time to avoid falling into the stall when her mother yanked open the door. Her face was flushed with tell-tale anger and she looked blotchy beneath her carefully applied make-up.
‘There was no need to follow me, Philippa,’ she said, so coldly that Pepper shrank away. ‘Your father won’t have taken too kindly to you disappearing in the midst of his big moment.’
‘His speech was ill-judged,’ Pepper said, not simply to comfort her mother but because it was true. If her father had something to say to her, he should have done it in private. Now the entire wedding party knew about their tempestuous family history.
‘Yes, well.’ Trinity shook the excess water off her hands. ‘We can agree on that, I suppose.’
‘I think we agree on lots of things,’ Pepper said, folding her arms. ‘We both think drinking copious amounts of champagne is the best way to get through today, when it clearly isn’t, we both agree that I probably should have worn a hat, and we both agree that Dad has become a soppy idiot.’
‘He always has been,’ her mother said. ‘Even when I needed him to be strong, he couldn’t quite manage it. He was worse than useless when Bethan––’ She faltered.
‘Had a fit in the bath and drowned?’ Pepper said, astonished at her own courage. Her hands were trembling, and she could feel the heat rising into her cheeks, but she was still relieved to have said it, because she was so damn tired of it all – the resentment, the guilt, the grief that had stolen away her mother and left her with this bitter and detached shell of a woman. Samuel was right – it was time they discussed what had happened.
‘Yes, I remember what happened,’ she continued, when her mother simply gaped at her. ‘I was there, remember? I have been here every bloody day since.’
Her mother emitted a small scoffing sound. She was attempting to reapply her lipstick in the mirror now, but Pepper could see her hand beginning to shake. Unlike poor Josephine, however, it wasn’t because of a horrible, incurable disease – it was fear and rage, pure and unequivocal.
‘You moved out the first chance you had,’ she argued. ‘Just like your father did.’
Pepper felt her resolve to be reasonable slipping away.
‘I never wanted to go, Mum, I felt like I had to. All that misery was draining the life out of me. I needed a break from this compulsion you have to dwell on what happened all the time, as if I could ever forget, as if I could ever forgive myself. Don’t you think I go over and over it in my head every single day? Don’t you think I would swap places with Bethan in a second, if I could? What would you have me do, Mum? Be miserable forever – is that what you really want? Would my being sad make up for not answering the door that day?’
For a moment, her mother’s grey eyes seemed to soften, but it was only because they had filled with tears. Almost as soon as the glimmer of something close to regret was visible, it was gone again, and her mother was moving towards the door.
‘Please don’t walk away.’ Pepper went to grab her arm and missed. ‘You have to stop, Mum,’ she said, not caring how loud she was being. ‘You can’t keep punishing us.’
‘Leave me alone, Philippa. I am warning you.’
Pepper ran after her along the carpeted hallway.
‘Or what?’ she yelled. ‘What will you do? Tell everyone it’s my fault that my sister died? Because everyone already knows that, Mum – you’ve made sure of it, for fuck’s sake!’
Her mother hated swearing, she always had, and now she turned back to face Pepper, her neck and face red, her eyes darting around as if she were a cornered animal.
‘I had to,’ she croaked.
Pepper went still.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t know how to stop,’ her mother stuttered, staring down at hands that were still shaking. ‘I don’t know how to stop being angry.’
Pepper thought of all the beautiful things she had created, only to destroy. The painstaking time she had taken to get her creations as close to perfect as they could be, only to find them always lacki
ng. When she brought down her hammer each time, the blow had hit her as deeply as she thought she deserved.
‘I know,’ she said, moving towards her mother. ‘I know.’
‘I just . . .’ Trinity looked at her imploringly, her bloodshot eyes wet. ‘I didn’t mean to blame you, I was scared, I still am scared to face up to it. I was trying to hold us together, hold myself together. But your father knew – he’s always known it was my fault.’
She was crying so hard now that Pepper tried to hug her, only to be pushed away.
‘Don’t.’ Her mother shuddered. ‘I don’t deserve sympathy – what kind of mother allows this to happen to her family? What kind of person?’
‘Hey.’ Pepper tried to soothe her. ‘It’s OK. Things happen, stuff gets broken, friends get ill, marriages end, studios get burnt down, your boyfriend gets another woman pregnant – there is nothing so bad that it can’t be fixed. And Dad doesn’t blame you,’ she added.
Her mother was trembling now from head to toe, but when Pepper tried again to put an arm around her, she shrank away.
‘I can’t!’ she cried, her voice high and shrill. ‘I just can’t.’
‘Pepper?’
Samuel had just emerged from the ballroom, his eyes wide.
‘You might want to,’ he began, raising a hand. ‘We can hear you,’ he explained, his voice low. ‘Through the doors.’
Pepper looked at her mother, at the self-loathing that was seeping out of her like pus out of a wound, and found herself overwhelmed with pity. She was no longer angry, or even resentful at the way she had been treated – she was simply sad.
‘Mum,’ she began, but Trinity was already hurrying away from them, away from the guests, away from a conversation that hurt far too much.
Pepper let her go.
Chapter 46
‘Are you all right?’
Pepper had forgotten that Samuel was standing there, that he had been a witness.
‘Sorry,’ she said, but he was shaking his head.
‘I feel like this is my fault,’ he said. ‘Going on at you last night to have things out with your mum – I should have kept my snout well out.’
Hello, Again Page 25
