I knew it weighed on her and often caught her off guard. Like when we talked about Lanie growing up and having boyfriends. The change in Terra was visceral in her grief that she might not be there for her daughter. Fuck that. I’d do my damnedest to make sure Terra beat her cancer.
When Monday came around again, I hated to leave to go to work, but I still had a lot to figure out and delegate, especially if I was taking Wednesday and Thursday off to care for Terra when she started her chemotherapy. Terra said she understood, and I think she did. But I also knew that my work was part of where our problems started. I felt like I was on a tightrope balancing enough time at work and home to keep either of them from falling apart.
I was arranging for ways I could work from home if needed when Kyle entered my office.
“Joe Sisler is wanting to talk to you,” he said of the head of a Silicon Valley tech company.
“Oh?” I looked up and then waved him into my office.
“He’s one of two that is wondering if you might be willing to sell.”
I sat back in my chair. “Why all the interest now?” I wondered how much of our work was getting out before it was ready. Who was leaking information? It was one more thing to add to my list of concerns, that I’d need to trust someone to handle.
“Joe has shown interest in the past,” Kyle said sitting in the chair near my desk.
It was true. His company made an offer early on. It had been a good, generous officer that Terra and I had been tempted to take. But at the time we were new in the business, with so many goals yet to achieve, so we’d turned him down. In retrospect, maybe we should have taken the offer. Maybe we wouldn’t have had marital issues if we had.
“Right now, I need to get things organized for me to take some time off,” I told him. Right now, my only focus was finding more time for Terra.
“I told him now wasn’t a good time, but didn’t tell him why. How is Terra?”
I sighed. “She’s strong, but I can see it’s tough on her.”
“It’s scary stuff,” Kyle agreed.
“I’m scared shitless. How about you? How’s your love life?” I realized I’d been so singularly focused on myself, I hadn’t checked in with him for a while.
Kyle shrugged. “I’m not sure at the moment.”
“Oh. Did the one get away?”
“Not away, but I’m not sure where we’re at. Love isn’t easy.”
Didn’t I know it.
Kyle worked with me and while he was doing all he could to alleviate my concerns about taking time off, I was still anxious about it. I knew I had irrational fears around maintaining financial security, but I’d been reading the financial news long enough to know that even large companies could go bankrupt or the economy could tank. While we had good health insurance, it was clear we’d have out of pocket expenses that were going to cost a fortune. I didn’t want Terra’s treatment to suffer because of lack of finances either.
I made it home by dinner time on Monday, but on Tuesday, working to get all my ducks in a row for taking off Wednesday and Thursday, I ran late. I called Terra to tell her.
“We were going to tell the kids tonight,” she reminded me.
I looked at the stack of work I wanted to get through before I headed home. I could bring some of it home, but then I’d need a way to bring it back, as some of it were things Kyle would need to deal with.
“Can we do it in the morning?”
For a moment she didn’t say anything and I imagined she was disappointed in me.
“I’m sorry honey, but this really does need to get done so I can have the next couple of days off.”
“Yes, okay.”
I hated that I was letting her down, but there wasn’t anything I could do. “I’ll get home as soon as possible.”
As it turned out, as soon as possible was nearly nine in the evening. The kids were in bed and Terra was just getting out of the tub.
She looked at me and while she didn’t have that expression of resentment that she’d had before, she was clearly not happy with me.
“I’m sorry,” I said, helping her into her robe.
“It’s fine. I know you like to feel in control.”
She said like it was a fault. Maybe it was.
“There’s a lot going on that involves me. It takes time to get that delegated.”
She went to the vanity and started combing out her long hair. She studied herself in the mirror and I wondered what she was looking for.
“I wonder if I should cut my hair.”
Huh?
“What if it falls out?”
My heart clenched in my chest. I felt like an insensitive ass for being so focused on work. I went to her, sliding my hands around her.
“The thing that always hooks me is your eyes,” I said, kissing her temple. “If your hair goes, it goes. As long as you’re here, that’s all that matters.”
“Is it?” Her sharp green eyes caught mine in the reflection.
“Of course.” Did she really think I didn’t care about her?
“Sometimes I think your obsession with making sure you have money is more important than me or the kids.”
I shifted, leaning against the vanity and pulling her in front of me so I could look directly at her. “My obsession for security is for you and the kids. I want to make sure that you and the kids have everything you need.”
“What we need is you, Brayden.” She pulled away, going into our bedroom.
I wanted to defend myself, but she had a big day tomorrow starting her treatment, so I let it go.
The next morning, I was up early to get the kids ready for school. Arrangements had been made for Emma to take them and pick them up today.
As they ate breakfast, Terra joined us. She looked pale and nervous but hid it well as she sat at the table.
“Mom and I have something we need to tell you,” I said as I handed her some toast.
“What?” Lanie said, scooping eggs into her mouth.
I looked at Terra feeling like this was something she needed to share.
“I’m going to the doctor today—”
“Are you sick?” Noah asked, looking up from a book on fish.
“Yes, but I’m going to get medicine today. The medicine might make me feel bad though and I just wanted to let you know in case I’m different when I get home.”
“Medicine is supposed to make you feel better,” Lanie said.
“It will make my sickness better, but it might have side effects,” Terra explained.
“Why will you be different?” Noah asked.
“It will probably make me too tired to play. I might even feel sick,” she explained.
“That means we all need to help mom.” I stood behind Terra and put my hands on her shoulders. “Emma is going to take you to school today and bring you home.”
“Are you going in the hospital?” Noah’s eyes showed distress.
“I’ll go for my treatment, but then be home later today.” Terra reached over and took his hand.
Noah looked at Lanie as if he was trying to figure out if he should be worried or not, wanting to use Lanie’s reaction as a gauge.
“I can help,” Lanie said.
There was a knock on the door.
“That must be Emma,” I said. “I’ll let her in.”
An hour later, we were walking into the treatment center. I was a nervous wreck, but Terra was stoic and strong. We met with the doctor who gave us a shit load of information. I made sure to put the phone number for questions or concerns in a place I could find it because I couldn’t retain everything he said.
Not long after that, Terra was in an infusion room with an IV in her arm. She’d come prepared with her e-reader and a few other items to entertain her for the several hour treatment.
“If you have something to do, you can do it,” she said as she settled in.
I knew she meant work, and while I was feeling a little anxious at not knowing what was going on, I shook
my head. “I’m one-hundred percent here with you.”
She smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. I hoped it was because of the treatment, but I worried I’d lost some of the gains I’d made with her by coming home late last night.
At one point, I got hungry and left her to find some food. At that point I did check messages. There were a few from Kyle. Fortunately, they were mostly updates. I suspected he understood that I’d be antsy and wanted to reassure me by keeping me informed.
By the time we got home, Terra seemed to be doing okay, although the doctor said that side-effects could start hours and even a few days later.
“I want to take a bath,” she said as she made her way to our bedroom.
I checked my watch and noted that the kids wouldn’t be home for another couple of hours. “Let me draw it for you.”
“You’re not very good at doing nothing, are you?”
I frowned because her tone was annoyed. “Are you angry at me?”
“I just wonder if all this hovering is to keep you distracted from worrying about work?”
“My wife just had a treatment for cancer. That’s what I’m worried about. Jesus Terra, do you really think I’m that much of an asshole?”
Her head dropped down. “No.” She walked away toward the bathroom.
I wanted to confront her more, but since she’d just had cancer treatment, I’d be an asshole for doing that. I heard the water go on, and I decided to give her some time alone as I appeared to be irritating her.
I went to the kitchen and got a water bottle that I filled with water for her. The doctor said for her drink a lot of fluids. I grabbed a couple of crackers too, in case she was hungry. One side effect was nausea, and I thought crackers would be safe.
When I brought them in the bathroom, she was sitting in the tub with her head back and eyes closed. She’d put in bubble bath and the foam lay over her like a blanket.
“I brought you some water and a few crackers.” I set them on the rim of the tub. She took the water and sipped.
I sat on the edge of the tub. “What can I do, Terra?”
She opened her eyes. “I’m fine. I just want to relax.”
I rested my forearms on my thighs, clasping my hands together. “I meant to get out of your doghouse.”
She sighed. “I’m just…it’s me. This is all…”
I reached out wanting to touch her, but everything was under water or bubbles. “Let me help.”
I pushed up the sleeves of my shirt and got on my knees next to the tub. I took the cloth folded on the side and dipped it in the water. I gently caressed her shoulders.
She closed her eyes and let me care for her. I studied her face. She was resting but there was tension in her jaw. I put the towel aside and caressed her shoulders with my bare hands. Her muscles were hard and tense. Gently I kneaded them. I took my time, massaging and caressing her shoulders, then her arms, every now and then checking her face to see her reaction.
I pulled her fingers to my lips and kissed them. I hoped she could feel my love for her in my touch. In a way, I was making love to her, although not in a sexual sense.
“I’m so tired,” she said. “I don’t know if your hands have lulled me to sleep or it’s the treatment.”
“Do you want to get out and lay down?”
“Yes, but I feel so heavy.” She gave me a slow smile. “Your hands have made me boneless even without an orgasm.”
“Then I’ve done my job. Let me do more.” I reached in, and despite getting my clothes wet, I slid my hands under her and pulled her out of the tub.
“Brayden…” she gasped in surprise, but wrapped her arms around my neck. I turned and sat on the edge of the tub, putting her on my lap as I reached for a towel. I wrapped it around her, squeezing and rubbing it to dry her off. She laid her head on my shoulder, and it was ridiculous how pleased I felt that she was letting me take care of her. For that moment, I finally felt like I was the husband I should be.
I carried her to our room, setting her on the bed. “Do you want pyjamas or sweats?”
“Sweats.”
I pulled out sweatpants of hers and an old college sweatshirt of mine, helping her get them on.
“It’s an hour or so before the kids get home. Why don’t you rest,” I said as I helped her into bed. She didn’t argue as she rolled to her side. I lay next to her, spooning my body around hers, wishing I could transfer my strength, my life, to her.
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
I kissed her temple. “Rest, baby.”
Side effects did eventually come, and it was so fucking frustrating to not be able to help her more. But she was a trooper. After a day of treatment, she was up and taking care of the kids as usual even though she looked like she had a severe case of the flu.
“I want them to feel like everything is normal,” she said to me when I suggested we hire help. I couldn’t decide if she was having a hard time letting her role as mom and homemaker go, or if it really was about the kids and wanting them to feel like everything was okay.
But everything wasn’t okay. She was being treated for cancer. While the kids might have some concerns seeing her weakened by treatment, it would be worse if Terra made herself even sicker. But Terra was a trooper and not one to abandon her duties. I suppose in some ways we were alike in that regard, as I struggled to let my work duties go.
For the next few weeks, she had treatments two times a week, and then carried on as normal. I was so fucking proud of her, even as I worried she was pushing herself too hard. Her oncologist said she could resume normal activities if she felt well enough, but that she needed to be careful about getting germs since her immune system was down.
I was there for every treatment, although admittedly, when I was working, I spent long hours at the office, often coming home late. Each time it happened; I could feel her moving farther away from me.
“I know I’m not very interesting to be around anymore Brayden, but the kids are and they’d like to see you sometimes,” she said when I came home after nine. Her first round of treatment was done, and I’d hoped to get back to a normal schedule, but three projects ran into significant snags during the course of the time I wasn’t working full time. Only the cloud security project was moving along without a hitch.
“I’ll take them out this weekend,” I said trying to rein in my anger. I was doing the fucking best I could to run a multi-million-dollar company and care for my family. I’d be an ass for getting upset since she was ill, and yet, she only seemed to notice and mention my failings. She hadn’t said much about how I was at every appointment, or how the kids were ready for school every day, or how the bills were being paid on time.
“They think you love your job more than them.”
If she’d stabbed me in the heart it wouldn’t have hurt as much as those words. “Want me to quit? Close down the business? That would let me be with you, but then everyone who works for us would be on the streets. Is that what you want Terra? Should I shirk my responsibility to them?”
“So instead you shirk your responsibility to the kids.”
I wanted to rein in my anger, but I couldn’t. “I’ve been getting them up and to school every day. It’s not like I never see them. What’s really going on here?” Then it came to me. “You’re not thinking I’m cheating, again are you?” Boy that would really take the cake.
“I just wonder if there would ever be a point at which you’d feel like you had enough money, enough security.”
“I do have enough, but it could go in a minute. Do you know what your last medical bill was? Probably not because I’ve taken that responsibility over too.”
She flinched and I hated that my anger was making me act like an asshole. “I can do the bills.”
“I’m doing them to help you Terra. You’re riding my ass for not being present when I’ve done all I can to help you during your treatment. You seem to only see my faults and not recognize the things, few as they may be, that I�
��ve done that are good.”
“Are you saying we don’t have the money for the bills?”
“I’m saying that it’s expensive. We have a couple of projects that might tank, which will also cost the company. The stock market is volatile—”
“There’s always something.” Apparently, she decided she was done as she left the room.
I wanted to win the fight, but knew I wouldn’t, so I let her go. Instead, I had a stiff drink while I paid the bills and ordered another week’s worth of the boxed meals Terra arranged to have delivered during her treatment.
When I went to bed, I found a note on the bathroom mirror reminding me that she had a follow up doctors’ appointment in a few days. That wasn’t so bad. What annoyed me was the comment on it about hoping I’d be able to fit her in my busy schedule.
I lay in bed feeling like a complete failure. I defended myself. I truly did want to make sure that the business and our family would be financially secure. But I also knew that in some ways she was right. I sacrificed time at home to have that security. I told myself that I did it for them. I believed it too. But was my relentless pursuit of it worth the relationships with my wife and children? The answer was no.
I ground the heels of my hands into my eye sockets. My drive for security had become a thing unto itself. The reality was, I’d socked away enough money, invested well, and was fiscally responsible that if the business went bankrupt tomorrow, we’d be okay. We could live on investment interest for a little while, longer if we downsized, and put the kids in public school.
I turned my head toward Terra’s side of the bed. I was failing her and the kids and that was the worst fucking feeling in the world.
20
Terra (Three weeks later – Wednesday)
When I had my children, I didn’t use any drugs. Not that I was against it, but my labor, while long and intense, was fairly normal for deliveries. There were no complications and it progressed just as the books said it would. Fairly quickly after the kids were born, I had a second wind, so I felt really good about my ability to manage pain and fatigue.
Imperfect Love (Heart 0f Hope Book 4) Page 13
