by Alan Johns
If the male has difficulty in maintaining an erection whilst wearing a condom, then you could try a female condom. The female condom is a plastic pouch that is inserted into the vagina before intercourse. Like a condom, it is a barrier method that can help to protect against STD’s. Some people say that a female condom with lubricant feels almost as good as regular bareback sex. At least women can share the responsibility of preventing an infection. You can buy male condoms from almost every corner shop, but female condoms can be a little harder to come by.
With regards to HIV transmission, oral sex is safer than vaginal or anal intercourse. However other infections can be passed on through unprotected oral sex such as herpes, syphilis and hepatitis B. The incidence of transmitting an STD through oral sex is lower than through intercourse, but the risk is still there. The best tip - as most STD’s are easily passed on through an open wound, we advise refraining from flossing your teeth for about 12 hours prior to playing with other swingers. This will ensure that any microscopic cuts will have healed and keep your risk of an STD transmission lower. Also if you shave your genital area, do it carefully to avoid any nicks which could increase the risk
Women are more prone to picking up an STD because of the warm moist environment of the vagina. Porn star Ron Jeremy details in his book, “The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz” some effective methods that he has used to avoid picking up an infection despite having never used a condom. And how many different women has he had sex with? Ron states that men can go to the toilet straight after sex to clean out their tubes and flush the passageway to remove any germs. And this apparently this can keep your risk of an STD considerably reduced. Head to page 109 and have a read about this method. But having said all of this, Ron still advises to use condoms to keep yourself safe.
It is said that if you are a bareback couple, you will be fine if you choose your partners wisely. But the more couples you have bareback sex with, the higher the risk of you contracting an STD. And how do you know where someone has been? We go to swinger’s resorts for a week at a time and meet some great new couples. But we have no idea as to their past and whom they have been with previously. So to say that you should choose your play mates wisely sounds a bit too simple and not as thorough as it sounds.
There are some women in the swinging lifestyle who don’t use any form of birth control either. Even if the male withdraws before ejaculation there is still no guarantee that no semen would have been left inside the female so there is still a risk of a pregnancy. For the guys - do you trust a swinging partner enough to be using contraception? What if she did become pregnant? How would you handle that? This should be a good enough reason for most people to always use a condom.
Swingers have a much higher chance of catching an STD than a strictly monogamous couple. Then again, those in the swinging lifestyle are probably having a lot more fun than them!
In general, men and women will want to have sex without condoms. Sex feels so much better without a condom, and I have never felt that my sexual experience is greatly enhanced by wearing a condom. So that is why I do not use one with my partner. But we have an agreement and it is one of our rules that we use one all the time when we are swinging. It is one of the non-negotiable rules and it comes back to the trust between us – effective communication once again!
At the end of the day it is risk vs reward. Think about whether you are prepared to accept the risk of an STD or the reward of a slightly more enhanced sexual feeling and experience.
Fitness / Attractiveness of Other Swingers.
The level of fitness and body shape / size of individuals varies greatly in the swinging lifestyle. There is every shape andsize imaginable but the bottom line is that there definitely is someone for everyone who is looking. Some people do take very good care ofthemselves by eating well and exercising regularly. But it comes down to how comfortable you are in your own skin and the air of confidence you have. If you are comfortable with your own body appearance then that will show and your playmates will also notice.
But regardless of how good shape you think you are in, there will be some in the lifestyle who will not find you attractive. Then again there will be some you find attractive and some you will not. Just like the outside life, there are personal preferences and we all have them, so don’t take offence if someone in the lifestyle does not find you attractive. Enjoy your time playing with those who are attracted to you and just forget about the ones who are not. At the end of the day ‘attractiveness’ is subjective.
Swingers look just like everyday people. So when you next visit the local shopping centre, anyone you see there could be a swinger. That is what swingers really look like – just your regular everyday person because that is what they are when they are not swinging.
Some swingers can tend to be a bit self-conscious of their bodies due to the fact that at some point in the near future they are going to be in a hot tub or club naked with others around them. So they feel the need to not get complacent with their appearance and to do something to keep themselves looking good. Whether that be maintaining a tan or simply eating well and doing some regular exercise.
One of the best tips for you to improve your appearance is to keep your self-confidence high and to let it show – but just don’t overdo it. When you meet people, do it in a confident manner instead of a timid manner. Even if you are not feeling confident you could ‘fake it until you make it’. Act confident and you will be confident and you will be far more attractive to others.
Think back to when you were first dating someone. How did you look after your appearance then? Did you do any special grooming? Did you work extra hard at the gym for a while? Wear any special clothes? Well, swinging can be looked at in a similar context in that you are constantly meeting up with new people and you want to do your best to keep the odds in your favour of a positive outcome and some fun playtimes ahead!
Some swingers tend to be self-critical when it comes to physical appearance. We are going to be naked in front of other people so some swingers actually do care about this and will make effort to look after themselves, or take extra time to prepare for meeting up with others (eg: trimming hair, being extra clean etc…)
There are people in the lifestyle who are great fun to be around and then there are people who simply are not. Personal fitness has got nothing to do with how pleasant a character you are. One time at a resort, we were chatting with a fit looking couple who obviously had worked out for many years, but the male was way too self-conscious and could not handle it if there was another male more muscly than him! So even fit and muscly people have their own insecurities. If a couple is fun to be with then we are more likely to want to spend time with them. If we can have a few laughs and have decent conversation with the other couple, then we are more likely to enjoy our time spent with them and this will make them more attractive to us. If the chemistry is there then all is fine. I would rather spend intimate time playing with others who are great people but not so physically attractive, than to play with hot looking people that are not fun to be around.
Benefits of Swinging.
There are some wonderful benefits to swinging. It’s not just the amazing experiences you get to share with your partner. You get a better understanding between each other and a more solid trust develops that cannot be built up in any other way. For this reason it has strengthened our relationship even more so.
It can make you more confident in talking with the opposite sex. Not just in the lifestyle but in any area of life where you interact with the opposite sex. Having the ability to approach others and talk with them in a relaxed social manner is another skill that is enhanced through swinging.
Our sex life with each other has turned out much better as a result. I think we put it down to the fact that we are not seeking better sex, but different sex out of swinging. When we are backwith each other we realise how compatible we are and how good we think each other is. We know how to push each other’s hot buttons and when.
Swinging can strengthen the intimacy in your relationship. It also gives your relationship a new source of fun and excitement that you can look forward to once a month or however often you go out swinging.
Why Not Swing.
So we have discussed the reasons that you may want to swing. But what are some reasons that you would not want to or should not swing? Here are our thoughts on that:
If you think it will help to fix your relationship you are horribly mistaken. You should have a rock solid relationshipin the first place before you start. It will not repair a relationship – it will enhance your relationship.
If you are only doing it to please your partner because they want to do it then maybe it is not for you as a couple, and you need to sort out a few things between you both first.
If you are bored with your current sex life or relationship, you should look at other self-help or relationship enhancing avenues first. Here is the best resource we have found to help you with keeping your relationship strong:
http://www.swinglifestyles.net/recommends/savemarriage Fix up the sex between you both first and then you will be better prepared to enter the lifestyle. On a similar note, if you expect that your partner will become more sexually open to learning new things from swinging then it might not be the best thing for you both. Again you should be looking at other self-help resourcesto broaden your partner’s horizons.
If you have fears that your partner may be cheating and you feel that swinging is a way to give them an avenue to have sex with others but with your permission, then maybe swinging is not for you just yet. Again, fix your relationship first. You need to look at why you are having those fears in the first place. How solid is your relationship?
If you want to cheat and feel that this is almost like cheating but with permission, then swinging is not for you. Swinging should a couple’s activity that you do as a couple with a mutual understanding between you both. If you are doing it to cheat then you are being selfish and only looking out for your own interests.
Rules.
Some couples have certain rules between them when it comes to swinging. We have a few basic rules – same room ifwe are with new people who we don’t fully know, we always use condoms, and not ‘making love’ to anyone else – we have sex with them. Otherwise the main rule is to ‘Have Great Fun!’.
Some of the rules that you may wish to discuss with your partner include: • Always swinging together which means that neither of you has someone on the side to play with. So you are doing it together.
• Not involving ex-lovers.
• Deciding what type of couple you both want to be involved with and sticking to that.
• No kissing.
• No anal sex.
• Only playing with couples instead of singles.
• Where “cumming” is allowed or where it is preferred. (And guys – always give your partner plenty of warning before you are about to cum. It is courtesy and there will be no surprise for her especially if you are about to “cum” in her mouth!)
So there are several rules that some couples have in their swinging lifestyle. Whether you choose some of these or not, or create your own, the bottom line is to only do what you feel is comfortable for you and to go at your own pace.
General Tips About Swinging.
Put yourselves and your relationship first and above everything else in the lifestyle. Preservation of your relationshipshould be the number one rule. You can always find others to play with one day in the future, but you don’t want to destroy your relationship.
You are a couple but also a team, so only take the next step with people you are both interested in. Neither of you should ever feel that you need to take one for the team. Remember that “No” means “No” and there should never be any need for an explanation as to why. If there is absolutely any reason that either of you want to leave the situation, then leave. Do not ask questions or try to convince your partner otherwise; just respect your partner’s feelings and leave. You can then discuss the situation at a later stage.
If anything in the lifestyle is no longer fun for either of you, then put a complete stop to it immediately. Whether that be stopping the situation you are in, stopping the online searches, or even stopping the whole swinging in general, then stop. Back to rule number one – your relationship comes first.
If your first experience swinging is not so pleasurable, try to work out why that was the case. Discuss it with your partner and think about what you would have done differently if you had your time again. But the best tip is to persevere. There are so many other people out there in the swing lifestyle, and so many other settings that it would be almost be unfair to have judged the swinging scene on one experience. So plan to have another go at it again one day but do not force the issue. But don’t decide that swinging is not for you after one try at it. Once again we say that effective communication is the key and discussing with your partner how you feel is the best thing to do.
In the swinging lifestyle you are most definitely not bringing others into your relationship; you are bringing others into your bed. Always remember that the lifestyle is supposed to be fun. If you feel that it is a chore or that you are doing it to keep your partner happy then it’s probably time to give it away. You may experience feelings of jealousy when you see your partner with another and this is totally normal. It is also normal not to feel this way. We have never experienced jealousy and it’s not that we don’t care; we just enjoy watching each other receive pleasure.
It can be hard to say what the average age is of those in the lifestyle. We have seen all ages from a young 20 year old married couple, to a couple in their late 60’s. The majority of swingersthat we have seen would be in their late 30’s to late 50’s, but then again you can go to a club where everyone is under 40. That’s the great part about this lifestyle – there is something for everyone of all ages!
It would be hard to say the average age that people start out in the lifestyle as it is an individual thing. It all comes down to the level of comfort between you both in your relationship, and at what time in your life you feel ready to discuss this topic. Then you can enter the lifestyle at your own pace that works for you both.
People can remain happily married with their spouse or attached to their partner despite the fact that in the swinging lifestyle they may have had partners who were better in bed, better looking, had a better body etc… but the number one thing is the love they have for each other. That is what keeps them together. We enjoy swinging as a fun activity that is a step away from the everyday, ordinary life we lead. We have a fabulous, rock solid relationship and this is what beats everything else.
You definitely need to differentiate between love and sex. Love is the emotional state; sex is the physical state. Only with your partner should you be combining the two. Once again it comes back to effective communication with your partner.
Some people play separately, others do not. Again you should speak about this one before it comes up in the heat of the moment. We play together at clubs, but if we have friends over whomwe both know quite well then we are happy to play in separate rooms.
We are happy if we are in the vicinity of each other – we don’t have to be side by side. We often holiday at lifestyle resorts where there may be beds in different areas such as around the pool or jacuzzi, but we know where each other is for peace of mind.
You are far better off to have missed out on an opportunity with meeting particular people or missed out on the chance of doing something and regretting that, instead of jumping straight into a situation that you are just not comfortable with and then regretting that.
Swinging is definitely not a sprint – you will always be able to create another encounter or opportunity with others in a different setting so you don’t feel that you have missed out if you don’t do everything right now. Treat the swinging lifestyle like a marathon that you can just pace yourself through, and take your time to enjoy all the different e
xperiences on your way.
Don’t change your rules halfway through an encounter. An example would be that if you have intended to do only soft swap and then in the heat of the moment you want to switch to full swap. You should change your rules at home, in the cold light of day when you can both think clearly and make rational decisions.
Keeping the same person or people for playing is fine but if you are developing feelings for this person then you need to stop. Back to the number 1 rule about protecting your relationship so no more playing with that person if feelings are growing.
The sex between us is actually better and a lot hotter because the swinging experience is a real turn on for us. It isfantastic to see and hear your partner receive sexual pleasure. We understand each other and clearly know each other’s likes and dislikes inthe bedroom. Other people will not, so it is a fun learning curve for you and your new sex partner to explore and find out what turns them on.
We have come away from some experiences that were good but not sensational and asked ourselves “why do we do it ifthe sex is better with each other?” This is a valid question. Our responses to this are that we are not seeking better sex – just different sex and the chance to meet new like-minded people. We are not in the lifestyle looking for better experiences – just different experiences.
Lastly - the only expectation of either of you is to have fun.
The Final Word.
So, where to from here? This is just a small taste of what the swinging lifestyle entails. The best resource for how to bring up the topic with your partner is to have a look at this program: “How to Turn Your Partner Into a Swinger”. Please don’t be confused or misled by the title. This ebook discusses what couples need to doto create a solid relationship that gets more sex and creates the opportunity for the relationship to explore swinging.
