by Trent Jordan
He almost murdered him.
He almost murdered him!
I’d seen some awful shit in my life. But that…
I wasn’t going to forget that anytime soon. No matter what Brian did, no matter what Shane did, no matter what I did… that was going to become a permanent memory that I would play over and over again.
I just had to wait and see how it affected us going forward.
When we got to my place, Brian gave me plenty of leeway to park. He didn’t need to worry about that part, though, as I was going so slowly once I pulled into the complex parking lot that it was virtually impossible for me to hit a turtle, let alone swerve too fast or too wide and hit another car.
Upon turning the car off, though, I just remained sitting in my vehicle, in something of a listless glaze. I kept replaying the incident in my head… how Brian’s punches had all but caved in Shane’s face… how I had screamed at Brian to stop… how I’d actually had to grab him to get him to stop…
And then the cycle would start over again. I remembered Shane grabbing me. I remembered the relief I felt when Brian appeared, relief that quickly turned to horror. And then it played all over again.
I snapped out of the loop in my head long enough to look over at Brian. He’d moved from his bike to the entrance to my apartment, but he was keeping a respectful distance. I noticed one person walking their dog approaching our general vicinity, but as soon as she caught sight of Brian, she made sure to go to the other side of the parking lot. I had as much space as I needed.
I just didn’t know if even that was enough.
You can’t stay in your car all night, Thea.
But…
It wasn’t even like I feared Brian. I didn’t. I just… I couldn’t put it into words. Like I had witnessed something so shocking and so horrific, something I had only imagined happening in movies or rougher parts of the country, that my mind couldn’t process it.
Finally, I put my hand on the door handle. But I didn’t yet open the door—my mind kept thinking about what was, what had happened.
I had to lean into the door handle to push it open. When I got out, walking to Brian almost felt natural. It felt like I was supposed to go to him. He’d come to me in Santa Clarita, after all. What he had done wasn’t to show me how violent he could be. It was to show how far he’d go to help me and protect me.
“You OK?” he asked.
I didn’t answer. I looked into his eyes, and I hoped that the look I gave him provided enough of an answer. I walked past him, but he was right behind me. His hand went onto my shoulders, and his touch comforted me. It told me that he was sorry, but that he would still do everything he could to protect me. It was kind of sweet, if not a little fear-inducing—not of what he would do to me, but what he might do to the world if anything happened to me.
When we got to the apartment, he followed me inside but remained by the doorway. I went over to the couch and plopped down, utterly exhausted. I kind of wanted him to leave so that I could make more sense of what had happened, but I kind of needed him to stay so I wouldn’t lose my mind. I had a feeling I wasn’t making much sense, but my brain was trying to make sense of something that didn’t actually make a damn bit of sense.
“You saw the worst of me tonight,” he said.
A pause came before he shook his head.
“No, that’s a lie,” he said. “You saw a hint of the worst of me. The worst of me would have killed that boy. But you stopped me. I don’t know if I should thank you or not. But it’s done.”
I looked down and told myself that whatever I felt when I looked at Brian next would say a lot.
It did.
I saw the eyes of a man struggling with himself.
It was like he wanted to not apologize for what he had done, but he wanted to also make it clear that that wasn’t his normal self. It was like he couldn’t make up his mind on if he was shamefully proud of what he did, or satisfied but alert to not do it again.
I saw the eyes of a man who cared for me. Maybe even…
Strange as it was to say about a man who had murdered an ex-girlfriend’s brother and nearly murdered my ex, I felt completely safe with him. I couldn’t ever recall feeling like he was going to raise his hand at me or even drag me. I felt safer with Brian then I ever had with Shane. Brian was capable of extraordinary violence, but he could direct it in the right direction. Shane was only capable, it seemed, of some rather annoying passive-aggressive “violence.”
“You know,” I said.
I had to stop myself to clear my throat. The words, my first since I had started tearing up at Shooters, had come out barely above a whisper. I could barely hear myself, so I knew that meant Brian could scarcely hear me.
“I didn’t stop you. You stopped yourself.”
Brian shook his head, but I wasn’t about to let him dismiss me so easily.
“You could have kept going. You could have kept killing him. There was nothing I could have actually done if you chose to kill him, Brian. But you did. You have the ability to stop. You’re not a—”
“Don’t say it.”
I looked up in surprise. Brian walked over to me and sat on the couch—but at the far end, away from me, as if he was ashamed to be near me. But why?
“If I wasn’t a killer, I wouldn’t have put a bullet through the skull of the club rat without any hesitation,” he said.
He’s not ashamed to be near me. He’s ashamed to be himself right now.
“If I wasn’t a killer, I wouldn’t have caused the chaos that I did, including… fuck,” he said. “I wouldn’t have ignored you for the last few days the way that I did.”
Brian… you don’t need….
“I would have been able to bring about justice in a way that didn’t involve taking lives,” he said. “I wouldn’t have killed my ex’s brother. I wouldn’t have… I wouldn’t have fucking wound up here, a Sergeant-at-Arms, only good for blood and death. I wouldn’t have. But I am. OK? This is who I am, Thea. I am a killer.”
A wounded killer who is going through a lot more than I ever could have guessed.
“But you’re much more than that,” I said, scooting on the couch closer to him. “I can’t say it enough, Brian. What you did back there… maybe it was excessive. But one, that guy was a fucking creep.”
Brian didn’t give the reaction I was hoping for, but by now, I was used to him not being a guy particularly prone to a lot of laughter or obvious emotion.
“Two, I needed someone to teach him a lesson that would include not contacting me or reaching out to me again.”
“He was the one whose message you were reading by Bottle Revolution.”
I nodded.
“I have never had eyes for anyone but you since that morning breakfast at Mama Sue’s,” I said. “His message just caught me off-guard so much that I couldn’t help but wonder how he was. I had zero intention of doing anything with him. You know, sometimes, you just get curious, even when you know it’s bad for you.”
Left unsaid, of course, was that Brian’s radio silence had left me feeling like I had little choice but to get attention from the people I least wanted it from.
“I regret going to see him now, yeah. But now, because of you, I don’t ever have to worry about him coming back into my life.”
“I guess,” Brian said.
“And even ignoring tonight, Brian, you’re a gentle person,” I said. “I know you have a dog, for one.”
“How?” Brian said, surprised.
I smirked. It was the way anyone learned about someone else.
“You got dog fur on you,” I said. “I guess it could be a cat, but I’m almost certain you don’t own a cat.”
“Fuck no,” he said, drawing a laugh from me.
“And in any case, Brian, having a side of you that’ll get aggressive like that… I don’t know that I’d call it sexy, but it’s sexy as hell that you’d do anything to protect me.”
I took his hand in mine. That go
t him to look at me.
“Society needs more men like you,” I said. “Not the side capable of killing. But the side unashamed and completely willing to aggressively and straightforwardly stand up for themselves and who they value. Hell, I saw it with some of the guys in the club. They’d dance around the bush, but as soon as you walked in, everyone shut up and did as you said. Because they respect you.”
I felt that I had spoken enough, so I backed off for a second, giving Brian the chance to speak.
“Maybe so, but the club is still sharply divided,” he said. “Because of me.”
“Then make sure it’s not divided anymore.”
Brian looked up at those words, then looked up at the ceiling. I didn’t think I had said anything profound—honestly, I had really just said those words to get him to stop being so self-ridiculing. I just wanted him to feel like he had value.
But then he stood up suddenly.
“Where are you going?” I said.
“I got some business to take care of,” he said. “I have to make sure the club doesn’t get divided any further than it already is.”
“Wait,” I said, pulling his hand back down. “You do this a lot.”
“What?”
“You just start acting without telling anyone how you’re feeling,” I said. “You’re a great doer, but you need to be a better speaker.”
Brian looked resistant to the idea at first, going so far as to look at the door. If he chose to leave, again, there was nothing I could physically do. I was tall for a girl, but I was thin and lithe; Brian probably could have literally snapped me in half if he wanted to.
But, somewhat miraculously, he chose to sit back down. I couldn’t believe it.
“I get so eager to take care of things that I don’t say the things that I would say if I was sitting still,” he admitted.
He drew a quick breath in.
“So, why don’t I do that right now. Thea, I am sorry. I am sorry that you had to see what you did tonight. I am sorry if you get caught up in any of the club drama or fighting because of me. I am sorry that you have had the experiences that you have had and that you’ve had some of our club members treat you like crap. I care for you, I really do. I want to be with you. I want us to keep going because I don’t know that I have ever had nor will ever have someone who understands me—and embraces me—like you do.”
He took a breath.
“But, you know what you do about me, and you know that the worst has yet to happen with the club,” he said. “The chaos that’s going down means things are going to get worse before they get any better. I can assure you that if you stick it out with me, I will treat you well, I will protect you, and I will do everything for you. But you’ll be dating someone who will be in the line of fire frequently. You’ll be with someone who has to deal with some ugly things. And a lot of times, I won’t talk about what happens.”
Dating someone… he really wants to do this. He’s serious.
“Can you handle that side of me?” he said.
I already knew the answer to that. So I decided to answer his question with a question.
“Let me ask you this,” I said. “Can you handle the fact that I saw my ex in a moment of weakness? Can you handle the fact that I became desperate?”
Yes, he could. Those weren’t the hard questions. The hard questions were the ones that I didn’t want to ask for fear of broaching ugly subjects, but ones that I had to put forward at all costs.
“Can you handle the fact that I’ve slept with a lot of the club members?” I continued. “Can you accept that when I was with them, I may have said desperate things to try and get with one of them?”
I cringed at the memory of telling Axle to come inside of me, hoping for a child with him so that I wouldn’t have to sleep around. It was one of the lowest points of my life, and while Brian didn’t react in a way that suggested he knew what I was talking about, I wasn’t exactly in a mad rush for him to know.
“Well,” Brian said. “I saw you visit your ex, and that didn’t go well.”
I gave a short chuckle. It was a poor joke, but it was still a joke.
“I know who you are, Thea,” he said. “And I don’t mean that in the judgmental sense of you being a club girl. I mean that in the sense that I know you. I know your dreams. I know your personality. I know your fears. Your weaknesses. It’s for that reason that I know I can handle you. And so, yes. I can handle it.”
We can handle each other. I don’t think either of us thought we’d find someone like that. But here we are.
“Then I can handle you,” I said with a smile. “And now you’re welcome to go and do whatever you need to do.”
“Oh, good, I have permission,” Brian said with a wink.
We both laughed. I pulled him in for a hug then, and I held him as close as I could. The smell of gasoline and oil was never really one that I would call sexy, but now, being this close to it, it was one that I would associate with Brian for a long, long time, possibly even forever.
And for that reason, I knew that I’d found my person.
“Come back, though,” I said. “Whatever you do, come back.”
Brian pulled back and looked at me, his mouth pulled taut in a grimace. I was sure he was about to say that wasn’t possible, that I was wasting my time hoping for something that he couldn’t promise.
But to my surprise, he nodded.
“I will,” he said. “Whatever it takes.”
I knew for him to have said that meant he’d stick to it. He didn’t want to say it, but he had.
With that, he stood up. I watched him go the whole way. He opened the door, looked back to me, and started to step out with his hand on the knob.
And then he pushed it back closed and returned to me.
“I have to leave properly,” he said.
And in one smooth movement that I recognized from the moment he moved toward me, he leaned forward, put his hands on my cheeks, and kissed me gently. As I closed my eyes and pressed my lips onto his, I knew that even though he was leaving, even though just an hour before, I’d witnessed something awful, he was the man for me.
That was better than anything you’ve ever done, Brian.
That was better than saying goodbye. Because we’re not really saying goodbye.
You’re saying you’re coming back. And so am I.
Butch
I couldn’t believe, after everything that happened, that Thea was still not only accepting of me, she wanted me and all but needed me.
That was…
It was emotional, honestly.
I was not an emotional person, save for maybe around my dog. I took pride in being as stone-faced as an actual statue, and I refused to allow myself to be swayed by panic or euphoria.
But Thea had done something no one ever had. She’d seen all sides of me, and instead of turning away, she’d said, “yes.”
Wow.
That’s really all I could say. And it was all I could think as I headed down to my bike.
But the minute I got on my motorcycle, the minute that engine came to life, the minute I hit the kickstand up, the Sergeant-at-Arms, Butch, came in, replacing Brian Young. Actually, might be time to even drop that name and tell her the real truth. That thought had never come to mind for me in regard to anyone else, and it was more than a little terrifying.
But if anyone was going to get that honor and designation, it was going to be Thea.
As I pulled up to the clubhouse, I began to feel unsettled. And it wasn’t because I was nervous on the car ride over.
For one, there was no one outside smoking or having a drink, not even a club member or a prospect. And that never, ever happened unless the entire club was gathered for an operation. We hadn’t planned anything—had something happened without me? That wouldn’t have made sense; I was firmly on the side of Lane, he would have said something.
Second, as I pulled in, I saw many of the members sitting outside of church. One of them looked
at me in surprise, as if expecting me to be in there. I decided that was as good a cue as any to head into church, and so I swung open the doors and walked in.
Inside, the usual crew was assembled—Lane, my empty seat, Father Marcellus, an empty chair where Red Raven had once sat, Patriot, and Axle. But they looked like they had already started.
“Was I not told of this?” I said.
“We tried to reach you, but you weren’t answering your phone,” Lane said. “And so I had to move ahead. But I’m glad you’re here, Butch. We’re discussing next steps.”
Next steps for what? But I didn’t say anything as I took a seat.
This was a bad sign. We didn’t have the numbers to even launch a guerrilla strike on the Fallen Saints; now we were planning next steps? For what? Recruiting? The room wouldn’t have felt so tense if that’s all that we were going to do.
“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Lane said. “Cole and the Gray Reapers have been poaching members all week from us. Perhaps Pink Raven went on his own accord, and we can’t do anything about that. But since then, they have decided to continue taking members from us, picking at us while we’re down. While Cole and I will probably never see eye to eye, the fact that he is doing this kind of provoking action is intolerable and cannot be ignored.”
Lane was shaking his head as he spoke, barely able to conceal his anger. It was like just repeating the words was enough to drive him mad—and while I couldn’t blame him for the anger, I was very concerned with where he was taking this.
“We are going to launch an unannounced strike tonight against the Gray Reapers for their actions.”
“What the hell for?”
That might have been the first time that I had spoken out in a club meeting like that. Everyone else must have felt the same way because everyone reacted with wide eyes or a grimace as if Lane had said something so outrageous and offensive even I had to say something.
