“Did your brother’s death derail your relationship with God?” She stabbed a bite of salad to diffuse the impact of her question.
“There wasn’t much to ruin.”
“When we were with Chaplain Grant last night, you said it was hard to trust a loving God when your world fell apart. Michael’s death must have affected you deeply.”
He broke off a hunk of French bread and slathered it with butter. “His death affected a number of things in my life, including the way I look at God.”
“God doesn’t want you to be in pain, Nate. You know that, don’t you?”
He raised his brow and smiled, a hint of embarrassment evident in the curl of his lips. “For some reason, I feel like I’m undergoing counseling.”
“Sorry. Force of habit.” She smiled back, realizing Nate had sidestepped the issue at hand. Then, trying to cover the awkwardness, she changed the subject to the saxophone player whose music filtered softly into the kitchen. The steak smelled delicious, and she dug into the meat, feeling ravenous, which was a good sign.
Their conversation moved from music to bestselling books and eventually movies they’d both seen. They kept the tone light so nothing could bring them back to either Dani’s or Nate’s brother’s deaths. Later, as they sipped coffee and ate the plump strawberries Nate served with a dollop of yogurt on top, they ran out of safe topics.
Nate fiddled with the napkin he had tossed on the table. His body language screamed he had something on his mind.
“Church services at the Main Post Chapel are at 11:00 a.m.,” he finally said. “If you’d like to attend tomorrow, I could drive you.”
“And pick me up afterward, as well?”
“I’ll attend the service with you, Maggie.”
“Despite your feelings?”
“Yes, despite my feelings.” He held up his hand, palm out. “And no more questions. I’ll handle my relationship with God. You let me know if you’d like to go to church.”
“I would. Thank you.”
He took a sip of coffee and eyed her over the rim of his mug as if something else needed to be said. Finally, he sighed. “You heard the chaplain mention two men who were killed in Afghanistan a few days ago?”
How could Maggie have forgotten? “The men in Dani’s unit?”
“That’s right. One of the men was from New Jersey, as the chaplain said. The other man was a company commander in your sister’s unit. His body is being flown back to Fort Rickman tomorrow. The unit will be there to pay him honor as his remains are taken off the aircraft and transported to the funeral home we visited today.”
She waited for him to continue.
“After church, I’ll drive you back to Kelly’s BOQ. But I wanted you to know where I’d be in the afternoon.”
“If the public is invited, Nate, I’d like to honor the fallen commander, as well. The least I can do is to pay my respects.” She rubbed her finger over the lip of her mug. “And represent my sister. I… I think she’d want that.”
Nate nodded as if he understood. “I hoped you would feel up to it. The ceremony is as heartwarming as it is heart wrenching. The honor paid to the remains, the support of the men, standing in formation…well, it makes you realize the cost of war.”
“I never underestimate the price some people have to pay in service to our country.” She paused for a moment and then added, “Your brother, for instance. It must have been hard on your parents.”
Nate looked down at the table and brushed crumbs into his hand. When he spoke his voice was raw with emotion. “They never talk about him when we’re together, which I must admit, isn’t often.”
Maggie stared at him, knowing full well she was looking through a counselor’s eye, but also that she was beginning to care about this military man with the wounded heart.
“Are they more concerned, perhaps, about the son who survived?” she asked.
His eyes captured hers, surprise written on his face. “Meaning?”
“Meaning your mom and dad might fear talking about Michael is too troubling for you to handle.”
He shook his head. “That’s ridiculous. I deal with death cases as a CID agent on a regular basis. I was in Afghanistan for more than a year, Maggie. Death was a way of life there.”
“But the other men weren’t family.”
“Not family, but there’s a camaraderie in the military that civilians don’t understand. We’re united in our common purpose and our allegiance to the flag and to this nation. That bond is like a brotherhood.”
“But no matter how strong the military bond is, Michael was your flesh-and-blood brother. From the looks of the picture you keep on your coffee table, your relationship was close. My guess is Michael idolized his big brother and considered you his hero.”
Nate scooted his chair back and stood. “I’m not a hero.”
“Of course you are. You served in a war zone. You’ve dedicated yourself to serving your country. That makes you a hero by default.”
“I told you.” She hadn’t expected the intensity in his voice. “I’m not a hero. I’ve made mistakes. Big ones.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, Nate. No one is perfect.”
“Yeah, but some mistakes cost more dearly than others.”
Maybe it was her years of helping people expose their internal wounds, but she could see beneath the anger. If only Nate would allow her to lead him into the pain he tried to cover over, maybe she could help him begin to heal. She wondered if he gave himself permission to reflect on what had happened and the role he had played.
Too often painful events were pushed aside or buried in the past, where they festered like an abscess hidden deep within the body. Eventually the infection would surface.
Had Nate buried the memory of his brother’s death so deep that he ignored the pain it was causing? If only she could expose it to the light of day and find the truth about what had happened eight months ago. If he was at fault, he needed to ask God’s forgiveness and then forgive himself. Only then would he be healed.
Whether he realized it or not, Nate displayed classic symptoms of guilt. He felt responsible for his brother, more than likely, because the younger sibling had followed him into the military. That alone could weigh heavily on anyone’s shoulders. But there was something else that cut deeper than failing to live up to a brother’s adulation.
“What happened, Nate, that makes you feel responsible for your brother’s death?”
He stared at her, his jaw firm.
“It’s more than Michael wanting to follow in your footsteps, isn’t it?” She continued to push. “There’s a deeper issue you haven’t been able to tell anyone.”
The pulse point on his temple thumped. His hands fisted, and his lips clamped shut. He looked at her, but she knew he didn’t see her. He was seeing what had happened in Afghanistan.
She lowered her voice. “Were you there when he died?”
He shook his head.
“But you think there’s something you could have done to have prevented it.” She said it as a statement and the narrowing of his gaze proved she’d zeroed in on exactly how he felt.
“I… I shouldn’t have believed him.”
Maggie didn’t understand the last comment, but if she let Nate talk, the truth would come out.
“Michael was young and too naive for his own good.”
She nodded, hoping Nate would continue.
Instead, he placed his cup in the sink and stood for a long moment before he asked, “Would you care for more coffee?”
The change of subject caught her off guard. “You’ve got to face the problem one of these days, Nate, in order to heal.”
“I’m fine, Maggie.”
“No you’re not. You’re carrying the guilt of your brother’s death all alone.”
“And who can I share it with? You? You recognize my sin because you’ve got your own, don’t you, Maggie?”
She tensed. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“
I mean there’s something you’re keeping from me. Graham said as much today, but for some reason you can’t trust me enough to tell me the truth.”
“I… I trust you.”
“Do you, Maggie? Then level with me. What’s the secret?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do. It’s written all over your face. Or maybe I can recognize it because I know about taking responsibility when a loved one dies.”
“I didn’t kill Dani. Her husband did.”
“Graham’s alibi holds up, Maggie.”
“You believe the woman who spent the night with him? She’s lying, Nate. Graham killed Dani when he returned to their quarters late last night. Then he hung her body from the rafter to make her death look just like my father’s suicide.”
“But why would he do that, Maggie?”
“It has to do with what Dani uncovered in Afghanistan. She got too close to something and Graham had to find a way to stop her without making anyone suspicious.” She trembled as the memory of Dani’s death and her father’s returned to haunt her. “The war, the deployment, fatigue and jet lag on the long flight back to the States added fuel to the fire so everyone would believe Dani had taken her own life.”
Maggie pushed back her chair and stood. “You believe it was suicide. So does Jamison. Kelly probably does, as well. No one’s looking deeper. No one’s trying to uncover pieces of the puzzle that don’t fit.”
Nate stepped closer and reached out to capture a wayward strand of hair to tuck behind her ear. “What pieces of the puzzle do you hold, Maggie?”
She pulled back as if he’d burned her, knowing she had to get away from his piercing blue eyes that seemed to bore through her.
“Thanks for dinner, Nate. I’m suddenly very tired.”
Without another comment, she hurried through the living room and out of his BOQ, wanting to distance herself from the special agent.
Entering Kelly’s apartment, Maggie locked the door behind her. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Why couldn’t she be stronger, like Dani had been? Why did she always have to be the quiet one who hid in the corner and never stood up for herself?
That’s why her dad never seemed to notice her. Dani had said as much. Those hateful words about how their father didn’t have time for Maggie because she was timid and unassuming.
Sixteen years and Dani’s words still stung. Her sister hadn’t been thinking when she’d hurled the comments at Maggie and attacked her with what Dani knew would hurt most. She had been reacting to her own pain. Rumors had circulated through school that day implying Graham was interested in someone else. Dani’s fear of abandonment had sent her into a rage. Although she hadn’t known who the other girl was, Dani had taken out her frustration on Maggie.
Her sister’s actions had been bad enough, but then, Maggie had struck back. She had wanted to prove herself to her sister, prove that she had a backbone and could stand up for herself. But she’d gone too far, never realizing the terrible consequences for her actions that eventually led to their dad’s suicide.
Nate wanted to know her secret. She couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell anyone.
He had mentioned that Maggie didn’t trust him. The truth was she couldn’t trust herself.
Besides, Nate should be focusing on Dani’s murder instead of digging up painful memories that needed to remain buried in the past.
Wiping the tears from her cheeks she started toward the bedroom when the phone rang.
Nate?
Did she even want to talk to him? With another swipe at the tears, she lifted the receiver to her ear.
Silence. Then a pull of air and a low, maniacal chuckle. Someone was making fun of her.
“Who is this?”
“Spike.”
The hair rose on her neck. She slammed the receiver back on the cradle, and her stomach roiled in protest. Why had she forgotten to mention the earlier hang-up call to Nate?
The phone rang again, sending a shiver up Maggie’s spine. She raised the receiver to her ear.
“Graham, I know it’s you. Don’t call me again.” She disconnected the phone from the wall and headed to bed.
Hopefully, she’d sleep.
But when she laid down, she wasn’t surprised when sleep didn’t come.
NINE
The next day Nate polished the brass insignia on his uniform, shined his shoes until he should see himself in the reflective leather and dressed for both the Sunday church service and the honor ceremony following.
On the way out of his quarters, he glanced at his reflection in the mirror, hoping he looked better than he felt. He’d been up for hours, thinking of everything that had happened with Maggie last night.
She had forced him to look back eight months. Even after all this time, the bottom line remained the same. He had been the one who had made the mistake, and that mistake had cost his brother’s life. As long as he lived, Nate would always carry the heavy weight of responsibility on his own shoulders. He couldn’t talk to his parents and was inclined to keep his distance. Whenever he went home, all he could see was Michael’s face.
Checking that his medals were lined up perfectly on his chest, Nate grabbed his hat and walked across the stairwell to Kelly’s door. He hadn’t expected to have the wind knocked out of him when Maggie opened it, looking beautiful beyond words.
“Let me get my purse.” Nate stepped inside, inhaling the sweet perfume that lingered after she moved down the hallway. The smell of freshly perked coffee mixed with the scent of shampoo and perfumed soap, filling the apartment with an uplifting bit of hope that spring would come despite the overcast February day.
Maggie’s footfalls sounded from the hallway as she returned to join him. Nate readied himself for another jolt of adrenaline when she rounded the corner and stepped close. Her eyes were tired, but her smile lit up the room and warmed him despite the cool temperature outside.
She wore a navy dress with a matching jacket made of a soft, pliable material and had tied a gold paisley scarf around her neck that brought out the highlights in her hair.
He held the door for her and touched her back as he escorted her along the walkway toward his car. The sun tried to peer out from behind the clouds. For the family of the fallen soldier’s sake, Nate hoped the rain would stay at bay so the honor guard ceremony could be performed without a glitch.
Once they were headed for the Main Post Chapel, Maggie turned to him. “You look very dashing in your uniform.”
He hadn’t expected the pinpricks that caused his neck to warm. “The CID routinely wears civilian clothes while covering an investigation. Today everyone wanted to look their best. Besides…” He smiled. “I wanted to keep up with you. Nice dress.”
Her lips turned upward for a moment while her fingers played over the sleeve of her jacket. “When Dani called the other night, sounding so upset, I threw a few things in a suitcase, intending to spend the weekend. I packed this outfit to wear to church. You’ll see me in it tomorrow for my sister’s funeral.”
“You look lovely.”
She glanced down as if gathering her thoughts. “When I was talking to the Chaplain yesterday, he said he was able to get an eight-by-ten of Dani in uniform from her unit, but he suggested having an earlier picture from her childhood that would include my parents and me.”
“Is that going to be a problem?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. I called my neighbor while I was in the chaplain’s office. She has a key to my place and promised to mail a photo I have of all of us. Dani was a sophomore and I had just started high school. The picture was taken…”
Maggie hesitated for a long moment. “It was taken when we first moved to Fort Rickman and before my father’s death. I… I thought it might be good to include a memory of better times in the service.”
“Is your neighbor bringing the photograph to the funeral?”
“She has to work, but she promised to mail it overnight exp
ress with a Sunday delivery. I wasn’t sure about Kelly’s address so I told my friend to send it to Dani’s quarters.”
“We can check later to see if the package arrived.”
“Thanks, Nate.”
They rode in silence for a few minutes, until Maggie asked, “Has the toxicology screen come back yet?”
He shook his head. “Unfortunately, no. Our forensic lab is located near Atlanta. Kelly stopped by yesterday on her way through the city, hoping to speed up the process. Might take a few more days before we get the results.”
“I thought about it all last night. Graham must have drugged her.”
Evidently Maggie hadn’t been able to sleep, either.
“If Dani did have some wine, he could have slipped a sedative into her glass,” Maggie continued. “Once she passed out, he carried her upstairs to the attic.”
“But you said your sister didn’t like wine.”
“She’d never buy it herself—especially not red wine—but if Graham brought over the bottle, she wouldn’t go so far as to refuse to have a glass with him. Graham knew that.”
“Why wouldn’t he just kill her downstairs? A man as strong as Graham could have strangled her or used his fists to incapacitate her. Why go to all the trouble to fake a suicide?”
“Because he didn’t want to make her death draw any suspicion. Our dad’s suicide would just make people think ‘Like father, like daughter.’ Plus Graham knew how important our father was to Dani. I told you that she idolized him and always tried to gain his attention. Anyone who didn’t know her well enough to know how hurt she was by his actions might believe she’d choose to imitate him in that way.”
Nate and Maggie seemed to go over the same threads of information each time they were together, yet they never wove the pieces together. Throughout the Sunday church service, Nate kept thinking about the threads that led nowhere instead of listening to Chaplain Grant’s sermon. Maybe it was Nate’s unease being in church, but the chaplain seemed less than exuberant in his praise for the Lord, probably because of what awaited him after the service.
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