by Emilia Finn
I hate myself because my body couldn’t grow his baby. My faulty body killed it before it even had a chance.
And I hate Jon because he was always so damn vocal about never wanting children. He had me terrified of telling him and in that two minutes I fell in love, it was tainted by fear of his reaction.
I knew his feelings on the topic, but he didn’t have to bring it up six hundred times in the six months we’d known each other.
I got it. No kids. No marriage. No forever. Not ever.
I just… can’t. I can’t focus on him or the baby that never was anymore. Or the babies I may never have. I’ve lost more weight, I’ve had no appetite. I hardly sleep, and when I do, I dream of Jon. I just can’t.
I clear my throat and bring myself back to reality, back to the phone in my hand. “Hey Bobby, what’s up?”
“Hey there Tink, how are you?”
I’m mostly dead inside. “I’m good. Kit okay?”
“Yeah,” he sighs dramatically. “She’s fine. She’s a stubborn ass who’s starting to cop an attitude about me and Jack helping her.”
I laugh softly, the unfamiliar feeling crinkling my face like an old book being opened for the first time in years. “That’s my girl. What do you need?”
“I can’t just call you because I miss you? I feel like I never see my tiny fairy anymore.”
“Ha.” I roll my eyes. “You think you’re hilarious. What do you want, B?”
“You’re all business, Tink. You need to lighten up.”
“Mmhmm.” He’s probably right. It’s like I’m not even trying to be the real – funny, smartass – me anymore.
“Alright, Captain. I need a list.”
I purse my lips at his words and I try to find the old sass that used to keep me company. “What kind of list, B? Best street walkers in town? Best places to buy weed? Kincaid brothers in order of hot to fugly?”
“I’m not even surprised you have a street walker and weed dealer list--”
“What can I say? I know all.”
“Wait! Which Kincaid is the hottest? And which one of us is fugly?”
I laugh. Bobby might be a pain in my ass, and he stole Kit from me, but he’s definitely making me smile today. “Aww, B, did I offend your pretty sensibilities?”
“Which one of us is the hottest, Tink?”
I’m pretty damn sure I’ve got his hackles up and he really wants to know. “Can’t tell you, big boy. Seriously, I’ve got shit to do.” I don’t. I just can’t keep up my happy charade for too long. “What list do you need?”
“I need a list of every person my girl loves.”
I narrow my eyes as I bring my coffee mug to my lips. “Why?”
“Because Taylor Swift is going to help me propose to her.”
“You’re… what?” I choke on my coffee, swallowing hard and bringing my sleeve up to swipe across my chin to mop up the mess.
“Swifty concert is up next week. I want you to make a huge girly deal about not being able to go. As far as she knows, I only have two tickets and she’d feel awful if she didn’t give me her spare. But I have as many tickets as I want. So, who would she want there?”
“You’re proposing to Kit. In a week?”
“Yeah.”
“To get married?”
“Yeah dumbass. C’mon, I got my pen and paper ready. Hit me.”
“My girl Kit is going to be engaged? To marry a man that she’ll have to be with for the rest of her life?”
It’s just… woah. When did we stop being kids and become old enough to get married?
“I fucking hope so, but you’re letting the team down, Tink. Names. I need names.”
~*~
A week later standing backstage hidden behind racks of sparkly clothes with Izzy, we both smile as we hear Taylor Swift sing about Romeo and Juliet.
“I’ve missed you, Tink.”
I look up from the sleeve of a white captain’s coat that I secretly wish I could steal, and I look into Iz’s beautiful chocolate eyes.
“You just kind of disappeared on us. You were sick, I went out for the night, then you haven’t been back in weeks. Did Jon do something stupid?” Iz smiles softly. “Because I know he does that often, but don’t hold it against him.”
“No,” I stand beside Iz and take her hand in mine even as I smirk at her understatement. Jon’s often doing stupid shit. This is different though, and he doesn’t even know what’s going on. Logically, he’s done nothing wrong. I shouldn’t even be mad at him, I’m just not ready to go back to Leo and Sunshine yet. “He didn’t do anything. I’ve just been busy at work. I’d had almost two weeks off. I needed to work extra to make rent.”
“Well, without you around, Jon’s been on me like white on rice. He’s up my ass around the clock since you’re not blocking for me anymore.”
“Sorry, Iz. I’ll be back when work calms down.” Lie.
“Speak of the annoying devil,” Iz murmurs as she glances over my shoulder. I feel my stomach cramp up knowing he’s right here. “I swear, up my ass. All. The. Time.”
“Sissy.”
Iz sighs dramatically. “Jon. I’m right here. I’m alive. No one has punched me in the head today.”
Jon lets out an unimpressed grunt. “I wasn’t sure where you were.”
“Well I’m right here with Tink.”
“Yeah.” I can feel Jon’s body directly behind mine now, his chest almost touching my back. I can feel the warmth from his body seeping into mine. I’ve missed him so much. “Sissy, could you give us a minute?”
“Actually, no.” I step forward, needing distance, needing to not feel him touching me. “I gotta go anyway. Bobby has me on a schedule tonight and Bad Blood’s just about to start.”
“Casey.”
I turn, allowing myself only that one second of weakness and I catch his eyes. If they had words like a book, his would say hurt. Plain and simple. I’ve hurt him. “I’m sorry, Jon.” For more things than he’ll ever know. “I’ll call you later.” Lie.
I didn’t call him again. I didn’t speak to him again for months. I was ducking like a pro and not even Chuck Norris in his prime could have found me.
I spent the next four months working hard and taking as many shifts as the club will throw my way. I hung out with Kit and Iz as often as I could without the other guys around. When I had to hang out with everyone as a group, I often arrived late, left early, and stayed busy making drinks or cleaning away bottles and pizza box messes. Anything to avoid sitting and having to talk to him.
A handful of times I saw Jon hanging around the club. He wasn’t dancing. He wasn’t even drinking. He was sitting and watching me, and though my heart ached to see him there, knowing he was hurting but still being my Leo, it also made me feel a little better knowing he still cared about me.
He never tried to speak to me. He didn’t try and force me to talk and hang out with him. He didn’t even ask me to serve him. He was just there, protecting me.
Sixteen
Tink
Perfect For Each Other
June 2015
Kit and Iz are coming over to my apartment tonight. We’re having a girl’s night in with Mr. Darcy, ice-cream, drinks and fake flower arrangements.
I’ve been sick this week; regular sick, not ectopic pregnancy sick, and though I feel like death, I didn’t call and give Kit a heads up. I want to hang with them tonight and I didn’t want to risk it being cancelled because they wanted me to rest instead.
I miss the girls.
I miss my group.
“Honey! We’re home.”
I scrunch my face to ward off Kit’s loud shouting and I throw back my blanket. “Stop yelling.” I attempt to slowly sit up but slump down again. Screw it. They can come to me. “I’m in here.”
Iz and Kit come moving through my kitchen and into the living room and I smile even as Kit storms toward me with her mothering ways.
“Are you sick? What’s the matter?”
�
��I’m alright. I have a cold or something. Sorry I didn’t call you.” Lie.
“It’s okay.” Kit rests her palm on my forehead. “Do you want us to leave? Or we can watch a movie or something.”
No. Definitely don’t go. “I took some Advil, I’ll be okay soon. Did you bring the stuff?”
Kit’s lips twitch even as she surveys my filthy apartment. I woke up this morning with a raging headache and a queasy stomach. It felt like dejavu and though it’s ridiculous, though it’s impossible, I freaked that history was repeating itself. I dragged my ass to the drug store and bought pregnancy tests. I needed to know.
Since the test came up negative, and well, duh, of course it was going to be negative, but since it was confirmed, I’ve been wallowing on my couch, eating dry toast and drinking ginger ale.
I know logically it was definitely going to be negative; I haven’t been with a man since Jon, but my heart wouldn’t let it go. I had to test. And then when I had my answer, I was both sad and relieved.
January still haunts me.
I can’t seem to move on.
I’d be more than halfway to meeting my baby by now if my body had done its job. Who knows where Jon and I would be, but it couldn’t be any worse than where we are now.
I haven’t felt him in months. I haven’t heard his laugh in months. I’ve slept alone, and though I silently admonished him for creating a safety blanket weakness within himself, I never realized I’d developed the same dependency on him.
It took weeks before I slept well without him. It would take hours before I could fall asleep, and then when I did, I dreamt of him.
I still dream of him.
“The stuff?” Kit asks, interrupting the same downward spiral I’ve travelled so many times before. “You make it sound like we’re in a gangster movie and I’m supplying drugs.”
I could do with something to help numb my body. And my brain. “Ha,” I roll my eyes as I sit up. “No. The flowers. We’ll do those tonight.”
“We don’t have to. Or Iz and I will and you can relax.” My half blind puffy eyes flick toward Iz and instantly my heart races.
Her eyes are puffy too. Her face is red and splotchy. “What happened?” Is Jon hurt? Is he as sad as me? Is he getting married to some other chick? She’s probably tall too.
“Nothing,” Iz lies. “I’m fine.”
I shake my head. Nope. “Don’t lie to me, baby sister. I know you’ve been crying. What gives?”
Jon’s either terminally ill, or he’s happily expecting a baby with some tall blonde chick.
“Nothing happened. Nothing in particular. I just feel crap.”
I drag my ass fully upright then I shuffle to the end of my couch. “Why babe? Talk to us.” Tell me Jon’s okay.
Kit takes Izzy’s hand and they both join me on the small couch, squishing us in so we’re nice and tight.
“We’re not asking for gossip,” I promise as I take her spare hand in mine. If I can’t touch Jon, I’ll touch Iz. “We want you to be okay. We love you, Iz and we want to help you. You can always talk to us, we’ll never repeat it, not even to the guys.” Jesus, Jon’s going to have a fucking stroke if he knows his sissy is currently crying in my apartment. “Especially not the guys.”
Iz stares at me for a long moment then lets out a big crushed sigh as her chest deflates. “I don’t actually know what’s wrong. Honest. I just feel so… shit. Broken. I’m so tired. Sometimes dizzy, and all the time defeated.” She looks back into my eyes and my heart stutters. “Actually, it feels like I have your head cold, Case, but Advil isn’t helping. And then there’s Jimmy… And since you both think you’re so smart, it won’t surprise you that he breaks my fucking heart every single day that he ignores me. I think I may have ruined us. He seems so disconnected from me. He’s never in our lives been like this.”
“Izzy,” Kit begins softly, drawing her gaze. “You said he was the first boy… in your bed. Have you--”
Oh. My. Fuck!
Jon’s going to blow his fucking lid.
“No, we haven’t done… that. But he has slept in my bed. God, can you imagine if the other guys knew about that? He’d be a dead man.” She laughs bitterly, though she’s not amused at all. “Um…” Iz clears her throat. “My dad used to beat us, often. Jon always copped it first...” she explains.
My poor sweet Jon. Even after all the time we spent together, he never told me anything about his childhood. He refused point blank. He was choosing to ignore he ever had a childhood, and instead he was focusing on his adult life.
“Anyway,” she says on another sigh. “Jon wasn’t home one time, so he took it out on me instead. Later that night I snuck out the window and went to Nell’s, knowing I’d find Jon there. And Jim.” She smiles softly. “Nell treated me as best she could, then later that night Jim snuck in and held me while I slept. We were never caught, and by the time I woke up he’d gone back to his room. That happened a lot over the years. It still happens sometimes,” she smiles again, bolder this time, “even at home under Jon’s nose.”
Jon’s going to have a damn conniption. And Jim’s a dead man.
Iz’s tears begin flowing freely again and I try to wipe some away. I just want to help her. “Ugh, I’m sorry. I can’t seem to stop crying. I’ve never cried so much in my whole life.”
“Iz, honey… So, you’ve not slept with Jimmy. But you did sleep with Ben, right? You said?”
“Yeah, I did. We were together for months before I... He was my… yeah… I did,” she stutters. “I didn’t want to. I wanted Jim. I just wanted to be held, you know?”
“I know honey, I’m not judging.” God, do I get it. I’ve been so tempted lately to call Jon and just tell him to come get me. He would, too. He’d come running in a heartbeat. “I just meant…” I can’t ignore the feeling in my gut right now, it’s tearing me up inside. This is bad. This is really bad.
I stand up and stare hard at Kit. Does she not see what I see? I look back to Iz. “Honey, could you do me a favor?”
She and I practically lived together for half a year. She’s my sister as much as Kit is now. She must know she can trust me. When she hesitantly nods, I take her hand and pull her to standing again.
“Come with me, please?”
“You too.” I take Kit’s hand. I’m not doing this alone. I need my girl, and Iz needs me. We need to be a team because the world is moments from implosion.
I lead the girls through my kitchen, down the hall and into my bedroom at the end. “Hold on.” I walk into my attached bathroom, then barely keeping my own nausea at bay, I take out the final pregnancy test from the multi pack I bought just this morning.
I’m going to be sick.
Iz’s heart is just about to break.
And Jon’s world is going to tip and fall into the ocean like a painful landslide. He hasn’t told me much of anything, but I know he raised her, and I know her being so young and single and having a baby is going to kill him.
How ironic that I worried about telling him about his own baby. This is much, much worse.
On a final sigh, I walk back into my room and silently pass the test to Iz.
It’s ride or die time.
“Don’t think, don’t freak out. Just go and pee, come straight out and then we’ll all look at the results together.”
“Casey!”
I turn away from my bathroom door as Iz robotically walks through, and I focus on Kit’s pissed face. “What the fuck? Why do you even have those?”
I sigh. I’ve spent the last several months hiding my pain from her. I’m not going to ruin it all now by spilling my guts.
“I have tests because my cold had me feeling tired and sick and dizzy. “ Truth. “So I took a test, just in case.” Truth. “It was negative, so cool your jets.” Also truth. “And I asked Izzy to take a test because she is also feeling weird and tired and dizzy. It’s not a big deal.” Big fat lie. It’s a huge fucking deal. “She’ll take the test and then at least we’ll kno
w what we’re working with.” So I’ll know how much my Leo will need me. He’s going to need me and I’m not sure if I can give him the comfort he needs. His baby sister is just about to break his heart.
“Stop talking about me like I’m not here, you jerks. I can hear you.”
“Did you pee?”
“Yeah.”
“Well? Come out!”
“No, you come in here.”
“How long do we have to wait?” Kit asks as we enter the small bathroom with ugly brown tiles straight out of the sixties.
“Two minutes,” I answer automatically. Been here, done this. “That’s what the box says.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Iz mumbles as she washes her hands.
“What do you mean?” Kit asks. “You peed on it, right? You didn’t miss?”
“Yes, I peed. No, I didn’t miss.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“It came up instantly,” Iz explains in a dead flat monotone voice. “The positive showed up before I even stopped peeing on it.”
Poor Jon.
Kit and I take Iz in our arms. We hold each other tight and we lead our huddle to my bed where we sob for a long time. Though I think we’re crying for completely different reasons.
I’m so sad for Jon. No matter what becomes of him and me, I love him. I care that he’s happy, and I know this is going to rip his heart out.
But there’s also a small sliver of my heart, a horrible vicious part of me that is bitter that Iz is pregnant and that I’m not. I couldn’t carry my baby, and I might never be able to.
Jon needn’t worry. He doesn’t want kids. I can’t have kids. Ironically enough, we’re perfect for each other.
Seventeen
Jon
A Man Deserves To Know
“Hey, B.” I turn the ignition off in my truck and swing my legs out onto my concrete driveway. It’s been a long fucking day. Jesus, it’s been a long fucking year.
