by Emilia Finn
Even Jack has a girlfriend.
I now had three sisters whose eggs were under siege by their husband’s invaders, and two adorable nieces. Everyone had a future, everyone had their family, but I just sat on the edges and watched.
Jon wasn’t going to change. He was never going to change and though I love him, I really, really love him, I’m sad I’m not enough for him.
I’m not enough to make him stop and consider something a little more. I was his non-exclusive fuck buddy and he was my annoying as hell almost-always housemate.
And now I’m sitting in Aiden and Tina’s beautiful bathroom, half drunk, half devastated at the memory of Jon’s pure revulsion an hour ago as he glared at me when he found out we peed on pregnancy sticks.
“Did you pee too?” he spat at me. He never speaks to me with such venom in his voice, but that single moment stole what little we had left. He took our friendship, or more accurately, he took what tiny sliver of a functional heart I had left, and he crushed it between strong fingers. He broke it. “We talked about this!”
He needn’t worry.
Mine’s negative. We’ve used condoms every single time except the first. I’m not pregnant. I knew all along I wasn’t pregnant.
I couldn’t allow him inside me without that barrier anymore. I couldn’t allow that kind of intimacy.
Despite my numbed heart, despite all the work I’ve put into it, that look tonight cemented exactly what I’ve known all along.
It’s over between us.
He doesn’t want me and I can’t keep giving myself to him. It’s time for me to cut the cord and move on.
Even if I die in the process.
“Oh my god.”
I look up to Izzy’s shaking hands and her blanched face as she stares at her test. “I got one of them. One of the positives is mine.”
Tina walks to Izzy and pulls her to stand. “You’re okay, honey? This is okay, right?” Tina’s southern twang has me smiling bitterly even as I look back at my negative.
My negative.
“Yeah. I mean, shit, you know? Jim… he’s going to be over the moon.”
Kit stands and places her test face down on the sink with shaky hands. “What about you though? Are you over the moon?”
“Well…” Iz considers. “Yeah. I can be okay with this.”
Tina’s eyes grow frustrated. “You’re killing me Iz. But? You can be okay with this, but?”
Iz sighs on a small laugh. “But I’m going to kill Jim for mutilating my poor vag. It’s already messed up, but now I’m pregnant to that fat head fighter?”
Tina pulls Iz in for a gentle hug. “You’ll be okay.”
“Tina. Positive or negative?”
Tina’s eyes flip up to mine and she smiles softly. “Negative. You?”
“Negative.”
All eyes turn to Kit’s terrified face as her whole body literally shakes. I stand and walk to her and pull her tall body into my arms. I’ve got heels on tonight, like always, but she’s still taller than me. “Flip your test, honey, show me your baby.”
“What if it’s not positive?” Kit’s eyes spill over. “What if--”
“Turn the test over. The test already knows one way or the other. You not flipping it doesn’t change the outcome.”
“I’m scared.”
I’m scared too. “It’ll be okay, Kitty. I promise it’ll be okay.”
“It’s positive,” Iz murmurs from beside us. Her hand hovers over the now flipped test on the sink. “I wanted to put you out of your misery. It’s positive, Kit. You’re having a baby.”
Kit’s eyes snap between Izzy’s face and hand. “Are you sure?”
“I’m a hundred percent sure, I promise.”
“I’m having a baby?”
Iz nods as a giant smile crosses her face. “You’re having a baby.”
Kit grabs her chest. “I think I’m going to have a heart attack.”
I laugh. “Stop.” I hug her tight and hold on for an extra minute. “Congratulations Mami, I’m so happy for you.”
Kit’s eyes meet mine and they turn sad. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Lie. I take Kit’s face in my hands. “I want you to know I’m really, really happy for you, okay? I’m so happy for you, and I’m so proud of you, and I love you. You’re my sister and you always will be.”
Kit’s eyes spill over again. “But?”
“I wanna celebrate with you tonight, I would, but I have to leave.”
“Jon’s such an asshole,” Iz spits from beside us, but I shake my head and take her hand in mine.
“No, he’s not. We were just never right for each other. He and I being in the same room tonight just isn’t going to work and I don’t want to ruin your celebrations.”
“Tink--”
“I swear I’m not going home to mope around. I’m not upset. I’m just going home. You guys celebrate tonight then I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Tink, please stay.”
“I can’t, Sissy. But I swear I’ll see you guys tomorrow. I’m fine.”
“Get Jon to drive you home.”
I scoff. “Yeah, no. I’m ordering a cab now. It’s fine.”
“It’s not safe--”
I squeeze Kit again. “Don’t worry, mama bear. I’ve been playing loads of Mortal Kombat lately. My muscles are pumped, I’m all set.”
A few minutes later I get a text that my cab is only a block away, so I hug Kit one last time and kiss her soft cheek, then I hug Izzy and Tina too.
I pick up my test and glance at the negative one last time. I let the hurt fuel me, to protect me, then I coat my heart in numbing potion and storm out of the bathroom.
It’s over. We’re done. I’m done.
I let myself look into his beautiful eyes one last time, and though his nervous fidgeting warms me just a little, my heart is still broken and bleeding. I throw the pee stick at his chest. “It’s negative, dick. Just like I said it would be. Go fuck yourself.”
I hear a loud “fuck!” as I storm out the door into a heavy dump of summer rain, but I don’t stop, instead I run to the gates.
He’s probably going to be behind me in a matter of minutes. That’s just who he is, Leo the lion, controller of the universe, micromanager as far as his Sunshine is concerned. I need to get away and I need to not go home. I don’t want to be found.
I also want to numb my brain just so it matches my heart.
“Main street, please.” I slam the cab door shut behind me, closing out the downpour as the car pulls away from the curb then I sit back and hold in my tears.
No more tears. Not for Jon.
Not after the way he looked at me tonight as me and the girls sat in the drunk tank. His eyes sliced me open, his words cut me deep. I’ve been holding on for so long, I’ve been taking what he’ll give me and ignoring the bad behavior because I wanted whatever scraps he threw my way. I grew lazy. I accepted whatever he threw at me and I let myself down. I deserve more.
We pull up outside 188, and though I know it’s almost time for close, I pay for my ride and dart across the lot. I need to get drunk. I need an escape.
“You’re back, Doll.”
I look up and smile at Mike as he stands under the eave at the door, shielded from the rain. The club patrons are trickling out, drunk people hanging off other drunk people, drunk people practically humping against the brick exterior of the building. This is my life, my job.
“Yeah, decided to come for another drink.”
“Where’re the guys? They found you, I guess.”
“Yeah, everyone went home.” I don’t mention that we were all arrested a couple hours earlier. “Don’t worry, you’re off duty now, Mike. Kincaid boys have their girls in their beds already.” Well, pretty much.
“What about Jon?”
My chest tightens. “Jon’s home too. Everyone is tucked away for the night.”
“So why are you out?”
I shrug as I pass him. “Wasn’t re
ady for bed yet.”
I don’t hang around any longer. Mike already told us tonight where his loyalties lie. It’s not with me; it’s with his boys.
I walk against the tide, pushing past all the people leaving then I emerge into the main area of the club and sneer at the filthy sticky floors and the empty glasses on every table.
“Well, hey there pretty girl.”
I turn and force a smile toward the stage, at Scotch and his friends who finally broke into the live music scene and are now playing regularly at 188. Scotch, Angelo, Marcus and Luca are here most weekends and some weeknights too, and though the other guys are cool, Scotch is the only one I’ve actually really talked to.
From the very first night these guys approached our girl group to hang out and shoot the shit, Scotch was never shy about his attraction to me. He was sweet and charming and funny as hell, not to mention easy on the eyes, but best of all, he was perfectly understanding when I told him I wasn’t available. I’ve been in love with someone else for years, and like Jon couldn’t give me what I wanted, I can’t give Scotch what he wants.
Not that he’s looking for a relationship. Just a fun time.
Either way, even with the rejection, Scotch has been nothing but kind to me as we work together.
“Hey there, wine spritzer. How you doing?”
He rolls his eyes as he jumps down from the platform. “Good, Tink. Had a good set tonight.”
I walk to the bar and nod at Lacey as I take a seat. We might be closing to the public, but I’m gonna get my drink on. “Yeah, I heard you earlier. Sounding better every night.”
“Hey.”
I jump in my seat at the voice so close behind me, then as aftershave mixed with a light tang of sweat invades my senses, I turn to Scotch and I paste on my fakest smile.
“You okay?”
I nod. “I’m fine, Mojito, just havin’ a drink.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
Deflect. Deflect. Deflect. “Wanna fetch me a glass of vodka?”
He chuckles under his breath as he swipes his long fingers across his jaw, then thoughtfully, he softly taps my temple. “I see you in there, Tink. I see you hiding. Why’re you looking so sad?”
I frown at his words but I don’t give anything away. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
He watches me for a moment longer, but he gives up with an indulging sigh. “Want a buddy to get drunk with?”
I perk up. A drinking buddy I could do with. “Sure, take a seat, Lemon Drop, tell me your troubles.”
He sighs as he pulls out his stool beside me. His thick thigh brushes against mine but I feel nothing. No tingle. No pitter-patter of my heart. I can’t even get excited about his plump lips or his light blue eyes. Objectively, any girl would fall over herself to own his lips, or at least taste them. The same as any girl would kill to have Jon’s thick lashes. No mascara needed.
But nothing. I’m just numb.
Maybe I’ve not only numbed myself to Jon, perhaps I’m just numb completely. It’s probably best this way.
A sudden silly thought hits me and I welcome it. Anything so I can avoid reality. “Hey Cosmo, what’s your real name?”
He rolls his eyes again, though his lips quiver with a chuckle. “You can call me Scotch.”
“But I know your mama didn’t write scotch on your birth certificate.”
He laughs softly as Lacey places a drink down in front of us then walks away. “No. My mama didn’t write Scotch on my birth certificate. In fact, my mama wouldn’t even know you were referring to me if you mentioned my nickname. As far as she knows, I’m an angel.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, I bet.”
Scotch’s hand moves to my shoulder and softly squeezes. “I don’t like seeing you sad, Tink. Since you and your girls forced us into this big brother, little sister bullshit… well, I’m feeling a little protective of the usually sunny girl looking sad.”
I squeeze my eyes shut against the thump-thump of my heart. “Don’t call me that.”
“Call you what?”
“Sunny. Sunshine. Any of that shit.” I pick up my drink and start drinking fast. The numb is going away. I need it back. I need to not feel right now otherwise I might just break down and die.
“Alright,” Scotch’s voice is soft, concerned. “I won’t call you that. What do you wanna talk about?”
“You have a girlfriend yet, Scotch?”
He forces a chuckle as he removes his hand from my shoulder and turns front on to the bar. He picks up his drink and sips. “No girlfriend. Not sure I’m really looking for one yet.”
I look over and pin him with my eyes. “Why do guys insist on never getting serious? What’s the allure to the eternal single life? Doesn’t it get tiring?”
He shrugs carelessly as he smirks. His pretty eyes twinkle and his broad chest puffs out proudly. “I can promise you, I’m not tired of it yet.”
“Figures.” I pick up my glass and empty it. I nod to Lacey as she watches me from her spot at the end of the bar. I kind of hate that she knows what happened to me. She knows it all. She knows every tiny pathetic detail, and though she’s sensitive enough to keep it to herself, I know she’s thinking about it. Especially now. “I don’t get why it would be satisfying to chase a new girl every night. Why not just love the one you already know? Why not be happy with the good girl who bakes a cake?”
Scotch’s eyes search mine and I fight the urge to turn away. I don’t want him to read me. I don’t want him to know me. “So I was following you the whole way there, Tink, right until the cake thing. You don’t strike me as a baker.”
I scoff and discreetly swipe a tear away from my eye. “I’m not. The times I’ve tried, they turned out shit. Maybe that’s why he won’t commit,” I ponder quietly, though I’m only kidding. Cake isn’t going to make or break Jon.
He’s already broken.
I shake my shit off and refocus on light and easy. “What are your hobbies, Strawberry Daiquiri? What do you like to do in your spare time?”
“Mine? Well, I like to jam with my brothers.” He shrugs again, not knowing that I’ve been flung back in time to this very club two years ago.
Brothers? Or Brutha’s?
“I like to go to the movies. I like to hang with my brother and sister. I like to write songs.” He winks. “I especially like talking to pretty girls.”
“Ha.”
Lacey sets another drink in front of me with a stern glare. This is all she’s bringing me tonight. That’s alright. I have enough cash for another cab fare. I can drink at Rhino’s; they serve alcohol, and they don’t even pretend to serve responsibly. “What do you like to watch at the movies? What’s the last thing you watched?”
“Ah…” he frowns as he considers then he sits up straight and faces me. “The new Hunger Games was the last thing I watched. And the new Star Wars before that.”
“Yeah?” I turn to him and smile. “I watched that too.” Jon took me and we enjoyed the gold class seats, where we could eat hot food and drink beer while watching. No cheapie popcorn and soda for Jon.
“Small world.” Scotch chuckles.
“Yeah.”
“Hey, you wanna know what’s cool about being in a band?” Scotch murmurs and looks over my shoulder. I turn discreetly and spot Luca as he sucks face with some girl as he sits on the edge of the platform. I scan the rest of the stage, finding Marcus and Ang packing away their instruments and tidying cords, then I spot the group of girls as they stand to the side. The three of them stand and watch the guys, and one of them periodically glances at me and Scotch. “Some girls really don’t give a shit if you’re ugly as shit or dumb as a bag of rocks. Some chicks just wanna bag a rocker.”
“It’s just their luck that you’re neither ugly nor dumb.”
He shrugs as he laughs again. “What can I say? I’m blessed.”
“Yeah.” I try my best to look him up and down with a woman’s appreciative eye. I want to see his broad chest, t
hough it’s not as broad as Jon’s. I want to see his impressive height, though he’s not as tall as Jon. He has the pretty blue eyes which are objectively prettier than Jon’s brown, but I can’t be objective and nothing is as pretty as Jon’s eyes.
At least Scotch has the nose ring. Jon doesn’t have one of those.
I feel another stray tear as it slides down my cheek, but I don’t get a chance to swipe it away before Scotch’s large hand is there, his thumb moving under my eye gently. “Casey… Why don’t you go home to him? Go find him.”
One second Scotch is in my face, whispering something that’s impossible for me to do. His words push more painful splinters into my heart, but then he’s suddenly gone as a roar rips through the mostly empty club.
I stare in shock as Jon throws him, literally throws Scotch at least twenty feet across the room, the force so strong he takes out three tall tables as he goes. “Get the fuck off her!”
Twenty One
Jon
The Truth Shall Set You Free
It’s time to sort my shit out. It’s time I’m honest with her, to let her go like I’d always said I would. I’m hurting her by keeping her with me when I know I can’t give her what she needs.
It’s time I let go.
Tonight only proves the fact.
We were doing okay, just the usual Jon and Case, Leo and Sunshine shit. We were existing, we were happy enough. I was even hopeful I could lull her into a sense of this is us, this is what she gets. I wouldn’t force her to stay, I wouldn’t even ask, but if she just happened to not leave, I would happily keep her forever. But as soon as those pregnancy tests surfaced tonight, my stomach immediately cramped, the sweat broke out on my brow and I was flung right back to the trailer park and I was five years old again.
I’ve tried. I’ve tried for years now to talk through my shit, to try and process it and understand it. I was trying for Casey, but all the progress I thought I was making was all for nothing when I imagined my sweet Casey growing my poison inside her body.
Sonia gets mad at me when I refer to it as poison. She tells me it’s no such thing, she tells me I’m not my folks and that I’m special and worthy, but her words don’t mean shit in the face of me hurting Casey.
