by CORY CYR
I turned, facing away from him, and attempted sleep. I felt better than I had in years. He had a calming effect on me, better than any sleeping pill or antidepressant. My body felt sated, wondering what would come after. It was never far from my thoughts; I knew this would never last unless I revealed everything. And even then, I was taking a chance he might walk away.
I really didn’t know him well enough to trust him. That sentiment wasn’t freely given, but had to be earned. He hadn’t done anything that made me mistrust him. But he was a man, and that fact alone cautioned me it wasn’t a good thing. I would only know the type of person he really was if he knew my secrets.
I enjoyed what we had—friendship with benefits. I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to give that up. If anything, history had taught me even those closest would abandon me. Lincoln walking away would hurt me deeply.
I heard his soft snoring as I contemplated tomorrow, which might be all I had.
Chapter 9
It took an hour for me to fall asleep. I was able to watch the sunrise from the bed. I wondered how it must feel not being able to witness each dawn. Was it something he remembered?
When I woke later, I turned swiftly and found his spot cold and empty. I yawned, stretching, realizing I was still in his shirt.
Lincoln stood naked, leaning in the archway of the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth.
“Nice view,” I said, chuckling, sitting up.
“You think so?” he garbled, leaning backward to spit in the sink. “I have a spare toothbrush if you’re interested.”
“Are you trying to tell me something?”
He finished rinsing his mouth, then splashed water on his face. Finding a brush, he combed his hair back. All the while, I was star struck by his ass.
“Are you staring at my ass?” he asked slyly, looking in my direction.
“Are you saying I have bad breath?”
He turned, laughing, the brush still in his hand. “Well, the last thing you had in your mouth was my dick, and although I’m sure it tastes like fine pastry, I thought you may want to freshen up.”
“I used your mouthwash last night,” I confessed.
“I know. I could smell it. That stuff tastes like shit. The toothpaste is much better.”
I rubbed my tongue across my teeth. They did feel grungy, and I breathed into my hand. Definitely, a toothbrush was in order. “Actually, do you think I can take a shower?”
He looked at me with great interest. “Of course, but only if I can watch.”
I snorted a laugh. “Are you telling me you miraculously woke up with 20/20 vision?”
He wiped his face with a towel. “Okay, let me rephrase that. I’m a virtuoso when it comes to a vivid imagination. I have mad skills.”
I got out of bed and went to find clean towels. “I’m sure you do, and you may be imagining all day since it’s occurred to me I have no clothes. At least nothing clean to wear after my shower,” I remarked, bumping into him as I walked back, towels in tow.
His one arm snaked around my waist. “I kind of like you wearing my shirt. Even if I can’t see you, I can visualize it. I’m a writer you know, a New York best seller.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s too early for tooting your own horn. I need clothes. Surely you have leftovers from some woman you coerced into bedding?”
“I’ve never had to compel anyone. I’m just naturally fuckable. Women just want to do me. Hell, I’ve even had offers from men.” He paused, then lowered his voice to a murmur. “I sent those invitations to Lucas, well before he got married. Wait, you knew my brother was gay, right?”
“Of course.” But not until recently.
“And believe it or not, the only women that have ever been here are you and Kami. Hotels and the back of limos are for liaisons of that nature. Once or twice on the beach. Now that would be a thrill, fucking you on the sand.”
“Oh yeah, once was enough. I’d rather have sex without the beach in my pants. No thank you.”
“Check out the bottom drawer of my tallboy, and while you’re in there, toss me a pair of khakis. Please.”
I checked the clock by the bed. It was almost one. We’d slept half the day away. I supposed we could pull another late-nighter if Lincoln could keep his dick corralled.
I kneeled to rifle through the dresser, looking at his clothes. “You know it’s late. Is there any way I could tempt you out of the house for at least an hour?”
His brows arched. “It depends on what temptations you have in mind. I’m fairly easy to corrupt.”
I found half a dozen swim trunks. Maybe I could squeeze my hips past the waistband. They would be baggy every place else, but at least they’d be clean. I padded back to where he stood, handing him the trunks and a shirt. “I know you said khakis, but I thought we could eat lunch on the beach and maybe take a swim. I borrowed a pair of trunks, too.”
He seemed to weigh the proposition before answering. “I suppose, if that’s what you’d like to do.”
“You trust me, don’t you? I think it would be good for you to be back in your element; that’s all. Plus, I know you paid a fortune for that strip of beach, because mine was hefty.”
“I knew it. You are rich. I’ve been banging Miss Moneybags.”
“I plead the fifth. Now I’m getting in the shower. Then I’ll put something together for lunch.”
“I don’t know, Jensyn. It’s not really a swimming beach. The rips can pull you under.”
“And who better to save me than an expert diver and sportsman?”
His face grew dark as he sat on the edge of the bed. “I won’t be able to see you. What if something happens?”
I tossed my towel and shorts on the counter in the bathroom and crouched in front of him. “I have full confidence in you. I’m not worried. Plus, I’m an avid swimmer. I just may have to save you,” I quipped.
I reached up and cupped his face. “You need to get out of this house.” Or you’ll end up like me, and I would never want that. Not for you.
Just a peck. A slight brush across his lips. His mouth was so tempting. I salivated thinking about what that kiss might be like. But it would be too risky because of his keen perception. “I want to see you smiling and prepared for fun. Okay, I’m taking that shower, and you, sir, get dressed.”
His frown widened as he looked up. “Yay, can’t wait.”
As refreshing as the shower was. I struggled to get the shorts on. My hips had gotten wider with age, and men were naturally narrow. Hopefully, once I got them past my big bones and butt, they would look fine. I hadn’t gone commando since my runway days. Back then, most models never wore anything underneath because the garments didn’t have the room and designers wanted no panty lines. Especially wearing couture. Those gowns were made to walk the runway on nude models. I really had no choice here. My panties were dirty and these damn shorts were tight, although I was betting the silky fabric of underwear would have made the struggle easier.
I’d grabbed a tank top from the same drawer. Once I stretched the trunks past my hips, they looked large, but the shirt was long and covered the bagginess. I couldn’t complain. At least they were clean. I twisted my hair into a messy bun. Being with a blind man offered some pluses. I didn’t have to wear makeup or dress sexy. However, he did have a keen sense of smell. So I supposed that made up for the other.
“I see you finally got dressed,” I remarked.
He was standing on the veranda, smoking a cigarette. “Yeah, if I wanted a smoke, I thought I should pocket my cock.”
“Not in my case I’m sure, but in regards to any stray journalists,” I joked back. “I’ll go make a few sandwiches and grab some drinks.”
“There’s a small cooler, I think, on one of the shelves in the pantry. I’ll find us some towels. I’m pretty sure I figured out the linen closet’s proximity to the master bathroom.”
I headed to the kitchen and decided on chicken salad sandwiches. I scooped some watermelon and cantaloupe into
balls, then added pineapple chunks along with a few strawberries, mixing them together in a plastic bowl. I found a cooler just big enough to accommodate the food, leaving room for a beer, vodka cooler, and two waters. I tossed a couple forks and napkins on top.
I met Lincoln in the living room. He wore a Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned and sunglasses. I bit my lip, thinking how much I’d love to forget the beach and feather my hands over his sculpted chest. When he stared at me, I often forgot he couldn’t see. Those penetrating eyes went through me as though they could invade my very soul. I sighed, grabbing the cooler.
What are you doing, Jensyn? I felt something for this man. He had revived a part of me that lay dormant for years. If I were honest, I’d never had feelings like this for anyone. I’d believed I was incapable of them, especially after the incident.
“Are you ready?” I asked, walking to him.
“I suppose,” he grumbled with a shrug.
“It’s not going to be that bad. Jesus, I’m not taking you to your execution. We’re going to the beach. You love the water.”
“Did Lucas tell you that?”
“Yes, but I watched quite a few of your YouTube videos.”
“That’s in the past now. Let’s go and get this punishment over with.”
I shook my head and put my arms through his. He held the towels while I grabbed the cooler, threading a small blanket through its handle. “We’ll go slow.”
“I’m not worried. I had that trail made with stone steps and reinforced steel railings. I wanted to avoid anyone slipping or any other accidents. I had no idea I would be the one who had to hold on to the banister while being led to the beach, blindly. No pun intended. I hate all of this. This little outing just proves how inept I am.”
I stopped three steps down. “Good God, Lincoln, you’re blind, not dead. I think you need to cut yourself some slack. You haven’t even attempted anything past your front door yet, so how do you know this is something you can’t do? Give it time. You’re too much of an obstinate bastard to let lack of sight stop you.”
He stopped mid-stride, adjusting his sunglasses. “Have you ever had something so bad happen that you wished for death? Sure, I can continue my writing with someone taking dictation or reading it back. As much as being an author was a major part of my life and I loved it, it was writing that allowed me to do those insane things you watched on YouTube. It offered me the means and the time to do all of it. I miss it, and there are times I can’t imagine a life without it”
I blinked back unseen tears and clutched his hand tightly. Yes, I had thought about death every day for years, until this moment. Don’t leave me.
I prodded him to walk as I moved down the stone walkway. When we came to the last step, I saw how beautiful the strip of beach was. The sun reflected on the teal water, making it appear as glass. The sand itself was white and smooth, while the actual shoreline appeared rocky.
“If you really want to swim, we’ll have to wear shoes until we pass the first breaker. Maybe think about it before you commit to towing a blind guy.”
I set down the cooler and spread out the blanket. “What has gotten into you today?” I questioned, pulling him down with me to the sand. “Did you not sleep well? You’re grumpy.”
He stretched his long legs out on the blanket while shrugging off his shirt. “It’s all of this. You. The sex. Everything.”
He startled me with his declaration. “I don’t understand. Do you not want me here?”
He reached out for my hand. “Yeah, I want all of it. You included. The time we’ve spent together, sometimes I can almost forget everything. But eventually, you’ll leave. This isn’t the life for you. I can’t have you becoming my caretaker.”
Too late. “Oh, Lincoln, there’s so much we don’t know about each other. I have my own crosses. Just as having me helps you forget, ditto. You do that for me. I believe we balance each other. I want to be here.”
He looked perplexed. “You can talk to me, you know. I know nothing about you. Please tell me your story.”
I frowned. “You are the consummate writer, aren’t you? I’m not ready to let that ghost out of the closet. How about you? You’ve yet to tell me what happened.” I carefully removed the foil from a sandwich and placed it in his hand. “You want water or beer?” I asked.
“Water’s fine.”
After handing him the bottle, I sat back, eating, peering into the horizon. It was a perfect day.
He took two bites, washing it down with a swig of water. “Everything. All of this is my fault. I’d just finished the book. It was midnight, and I wasn’t tired, so I decided to start on revisions. But I’d run out of beer and smokes. I got myself dressed and hopped on my bike. The store is only ten minutes away. If I’d just hung out here a few minutes longer. Gone to the bathroom. Called Kami. Anything. It would have changed the initial outcome.
“I don’t remember a lot. I hadn’t realized the store was being robbed, and by the time I figured it out, it was already too late. From what Lucas told me, there were two of them, and one cold-cocked me with his gun on the back of my skull. I was comatose because my brain swelled. I had surgery, and there was some damage to the optic nerves, but they believed it would heal with time.”
I patted his thigh. “Jesus, that’s horrible. But the doctors sounded as though they were encouraged. They gave you hope your blindness isn’t forever.”
“It’s been over five months, and they never promised. I mean, there are no absolutes. Physicians aren’t fortunetellers. From what I’ve gathered, my sight should have returned months ago. Dr. Ranso told me they have little research on hysterical blindness, and my situation is unique. I had so much expectation; now I’m terrified. I don’t think I can live in a world of darkness, knowing there’s no light at the end of it. And then there’s you. Jensyn, I won’t become a burden to you or anyone. If we turn into something past this, I would want more for you than caring for my ass.”
His blindness was attributed to him wanting beer and smokes. That was a hefty price to pay for addiction. And he thought he’d be a burden on me? Did he have the same feelings I was developing for him? Because this between us could only work if he never regained his sight. I had so much more fear than he did. Trepidation and guilt. Because I should have wanted the best for him. And that was him being whole again. But seeing again meant me leaving. I couldn’t bear the pain of him looking at me like this. It would crush me to my very core to have him see my face. I would have no place is his life.
“You could never be a burden,” I whispered.
“You’re only here because my brother asked you to be.”
“That was true in the beginning, but I’m staying because of you.” I gripped his hand tightly. “I don’t like the direction of this conversation. So we’ll end it on this note. I’ll stay as long as you want me to. If at some point you ask me to leave, I’ll go, but it will be under duress. I care about you, Lincoln. Don’t you ever think I’m staying out of pity. I’m an adult. I know what I’m doing. You have to believe it’s more.”
If he only knew who I was and my own story, he would understand everything. I wanted to be honest, but my own self-loathing kept me from trusting him enough to tell him the truth. I couldn’t continue denying him a kiss. Because at some point, he’d get one, and I would be helpless to stop him no matter the consequences. I wanted that kiss, too. His mouth against mine. Our tongues meshing together. But was it worth the end result for a few minutes of pleasure? I couldn’t take it if he looked at me with disgust or sympathy. His reaction would destroy me.
I stood, dusting the sand from my legs. “Let’s get wet,” I said, bending to pull him up.
He smiled seductively. “I like wet. We could actually accomplish that without going in the ocean.”
“Okay, pervert. There is no way in hell I’m fucking you on this beach. Private or not.”
He appeared to digest my words. “All right, how about doing you in the water?”
I
snickered. “Seriously, Lincoln, when’s the last time you attempted that feat? I mean in the ocean?”
“Well, I’m up”—he cupped his bulging erection—“for the challenge.”
“No thanks. Saltwater, sand, and God only knows, maybe even feces.”
“Hell, I think you just deflated my hard-on. That’s quite a list. So maybe we’ll wait until we get back to the house. I mean, we’ll have to take a shower after our swim. You know, because of all that bacteria.” He laughed, dropping his shirt to the sand.
He reached out to find my hand, and we walked to the water’s edge. I wished I had a bathing suit, but his trunks and a tank top would have to suffice because I was braless.
I kicked the water. It was warm. “Let’s go in.” I squealed, pulling him.
“Remember what I said. The rips can pull you under. Let go of me if you need to.”
I’ll never let go of you.
We walked farther out, catching waves. “God, I’ve missed this scent,” I heard him say under his breath.
“You know, maybe sometime we can take out that kayak I saw on the veranda.”
He stopped, and I turned to him. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for that. Don’t you think that might be a little much?”
“It’s not as though I’ve never been in one before, and you don’t need sight to paddle. It would be fun. I think it’s good to get you out.”
He had no idea how much I had wished I’d had someone who pushed me. Anai was domineering, but I always pushed back. Lincoln’s situation was easier to hide. Even now, his sunglasses hid his blindness. My affliction, on the other hand, was there for the world to see. I could conceal with the right cosmetics, but when it came down to it, no amount of surgery was going to improve or change it. But in this setting on his private beach, I could be free, normal. I didn’t have to hide.
My footing slipped because I lost my concentration. Strong arms gripped me around the waist, keeping me from going under. “Are you okay? I told you to stay cognizant.”
“And see, you were perfectly capable of saving me,” I remarked.
