The bleak expression became hunted. ‘Like I say, Reg hasn’t much time when he’s on nights. Needs his sleep during the day and I have to keep the childer quiet.’ Just where, exactly, Reg slept, Bella didn’t care to consider.
‘Well, five children will be enough for anyone to cope with, Alice. So, you must come to see me after the birth.’
‘Reg says I should’ve sat up straight after - after, you know - and coughed.’
‘Coughed? What on earth for?’
‘That would’ve saved me from getting caught. It’s me own fault I’m up the spout ‘cause I forgot to cough.’
Bella closed her eyes in momentary despair and disbelief. Education was indeed the answer, as Dr Syd said, but the most difficult part was always to get the women to venture up those stairs. ‘You really must come to the clinic for help, or this child could be but the first of many.’
Alice bit her lip, looked as if she were about to say something of importance and then changed her mind. She set down her mug, scarcely touched. ‘You’d best go. If anybody sees you here, they might tell him and then I’d be for it. Reg don’t like no interference.’
‘Unless it provides a free packet of tea. All right, I’ll bring some next time. I’ll go now, Alice, but remember what I said. See that you come to the clinic.’ As Bella left the house with no small sigh of guilty relief, she held out little hope.
Despite every effort on Bella’s part as well as those of her ‘ladies’, baby Holly’s mother could not be found. Time went by and still she continued to put off the proposed visit to the Board of Guardians. Perhaps tomorrow, or the next day, or the one after that the woman would turn up or some other, better solution might present itself.
‘What are you going to do with her?’ Tilly would ask, cradling the child against her shoulder while she gently rubbed her back. She’d taken quite a shine to her, Bella could tell and, like herself, was almost beginning to dread the prospect of having to give her up. ‘She’s a survivor, this one,’ Tilly would laugh, and so she was, a part of Bella’s family now.
For Tilly, there was the added worry that she would then be out of a job and on the streets again.
Times were hard, as Bella knew only too well. Sometimes she could actually feel herself sinking lower and lower with less money in her purse and cupboards that were almost bare, a frightening sensation which often kept her awake at night. This had certainly not been what she’d intended when she’d first set out on her mission. She’d meant to make other women’s lives better, not her own worse.
She spent a good deal of time scouring the local papers, half expecting to see her scandalous behaviour emblazoned across the headlines for everyone to see. People tended to believe what they read in print, however inaccurate it might be, and if Quinn persuaded one of his cronies, or a female friend perhaps to pass on this tale of their supposed intimacy to some tin-pot newspaper reporter, what hope would she have of refuting it? It would take only a scandal of that sort for someone, and not her father this time, to close the clinic down for good. Each day she sighed with relief when she found that Quinn had not carried out this particular threat.
Ever since his latest attack on her Bella had become increasingly jumpy and was glad of Tilly’s company. She was also pleased that Dan became a regular visitor to her little house, though for a different reason. She took great care to give him lots of attention, even to leaving Holly with Tilly at least one evening a week so they could go out together, alone. She loved him and didn’t want him to feel hurt or neglected, his nose pushed out of joint from all the fuss the baby was getting. They would walk through the park, or along the canal towpath, happily planning their future. No date had yet been fixed for the wedding but Bella didn’t mind. She was content to wait, knowing that Dan was a good man with a strong sense of pride, anxious to do things properly.
He often spoke of his family: of baby Joe having a special pair of clogs made to encourage him to walk, of the squabbling twins, of young Pete’s desperate desire to have a dog and Violet’s equal determination that she’d enough on her plate, thank you very much. At other times Dan would speak of his mates at the docks and the difficulties of getting started in married life.
Though relations between them were warm and loving, and he’d accepted her decision not to do anything drastic with the child until she’d tried a little longer to find her mother, Bella could tell, by the way his mouth tightened and his jaw jutted with characteristic stubbornness, that there was much more he would like to have said upon the subject.
‘It’ll be different for us. We’ll do things properly,’ he’d say and Bella would happily agree since this was only evidence of his natural caution. They would wait till things picked up, he’d say. ‘Once this slump is over, we’ll marry in double quick time, make no mistake about that.’
Bella hoped that Holly herself would win him over completely in the end, as she certainly seemed to be doing. He would sit happily dangling her on his knee whenever he came round, which he did quite frequently these days. From time to time though, he too asked the same question as Tilly, and Bella gave him the same answer.
‘Whoever the mother is, she must have been desperate to abandon such a lovely child. But then it’s a harsh world out there at the moment, for some women in particular. I shall keep her safe for as long as I can, since her mother trusted me to do so. Besides, I enjoy having her.’
‘The longer you keep her, the harder it will be for you to part with her. It’ll only hurt all the more when you have to let her go.’ A fact that, sadly, Bella could not deny. She loved the child already, absolutely adored her, and deep in her heart dreaded taking her to the Guardians.
‘She’s not a pet dog,’ Dan said, to which Bella responded with outrage.
‘For goodness’ sake, what do you take me for? Do you imagine that I’m going to grow bored with her after a month or two and suddenly abandon her like an unwanted pup. If I don’t find the mother, then of course I’ll take her to the Board of Guardians. I promise.’
What she did not say was how she loved to wake up and find the baby sleeping peacefully in the crib beside her, her gaze bright with interest, taking everything in. How she adored to watch her tiny pursed mouth hungrily grasp the teat of the feeding bottle, her trusting hands as fragile as pale rose petals but with a grip of steel. Bella could not, and would not, simply hand the baby over to an orphanage. The very idea seemed heartless in the extreme when she could offer both love and a good home.
It was one morning a few weeks later that Bella found another parcel on her doorstep. This one contained baby clothes and a scribbled, ill-spelled note. The writer stated that word had got about that Bella Ashton took in babies now and had taken on a nursemaid to care for them. It told her that if she searched around she might find something of interest and finished with a stark warning: ‘Don’t leave it too long.’
Bella searched frantically everywhere she could think of and finally ran to the ash pit at the bottom of the shared back yard, pushed open the small wooden door and searched in the filthy, murky gloom within. Only when she heard a thin, mewing cry were her worst fears confirmed. Pinned to the baby’s grubby shawl was a second note. ‘Don’t try to find me cos I don’t want her back. I’ve more’n enough already.’
Bella did not dare to tell Dan. He was only just getting used to the idea of keeping one baby. Two, he would never accept. It was too much to ask of any man. She went instead to her sister-in-law.
Jinnie said she would love to take the new baby, a fine healthy boy, but Edward would never agree. ‘He’s quite certain that we’ll have our own one day, despite everything that happened - you know - with me. I can’t get him to see… I daren’t push him too hard.’ Jinnie blinked back tears as she held this tiny scrap of humanity in her arms, touching its frail cheeks, its tiny mouth hopefully sucking her finger. ‘I would take him. You know I would, only it’d be like forcing Edward to admit there was no hope for us to have our own.’
‘Wou
ld you like me to ask him?’
Jinnie gazed up at her out of eyes grown dark with sadness. ‘He’s your brother. You decide.’
Bella did speak to Edward and in the most tactful, gentle way suggested that it might be a good idea for them to take this child, just in case Jinnie couldn’t have any of her own. The idea was greeted with complete and blank refusal. Jinnie would be fine, he told her, she was young yet. There was plenty of time and if Bella had got herself into a mess by having a stream of babies left on her doorstep the fault was entirely her own. She should have taken the first baby to the orphanage as Dan had suggested, and have done with the matter.
‘Two babies is hardly a stream.’
‘I don’t wish to sound harsh, Bella, but someone in this family has to be practical. Your head is constantly in some dreamy, socially do-gooding world. No wonder you and Dan are so often at odds. It drives him to distraction, as it would me in similar circumstances. It really is time you came down to earth and saw things as they really are.’
‘I dare say you’re right,’ Bella dolefully agreed, and took the baby back home since it was time for his feed.
When the third child was left in a shopping basket beside her wash tub, Bella realised that perhaps everyone was right after all, and she was indeed being foolish. If she wasn’t careful she would soon have an orphanage of her own.
Chapter Twenty-Five
It always surprised Bella how quickly word got about. In no time at all, it seemed, Dan was knocking at her door asking if it was true that she’d found another baby.
Sighing with resignation, Bella agreed that it was and let him into the house to see for himself.
He stood fidgeting at the door, cap in hand and nodded at Tilly, happily feeding one baby, while behind her in the crib he could see a hump of bedclothes, indicating a second. He didn’t approach to examine it. Didn’t need to. He’d seen all he wanted to see. Deep in his belly, Dan felt a nub of fear. Matters were escalating out of control and there didn’t seem to be any way to stop them. He had to get through to Bella what she’d got landed with; the years of toil and scrimping ahead, the effect these children had on their own plans. ‘You weren’t thinking of keeping this one an’ all, were you?’
‘No decisions of any sort have been made yet.’
‘I thought I said that I didn’t want any childer for a year or two, let alone take on anyone else’s. That happen I’d think about keeping little Holly but two is stretching it a bit, don’t you reckon?’
‘Three actually.’
Dan’s eyes grew wide with shock. ‘Three? Nay lass. I’m stumped for words. Bloody hell. Who do you reckon I am? Rockefeller?’ It seemed to be the final straw.
Bella glanced at Tilly’s anxious face and suggested that perhaps they should take a walk. At least they could then exchange their views in private. They walked through the court and out onto Liverpool Street, both aware of the curious gaze of neighbours, rumour being rife in these quarters.
‘Don’t worry, I’ve put Mrs Blundell on the job. She’s like a bloodhound and will soon sniff out these two mothers, make no mistake.’
Dan very reasonably pointed out that she’d had little success in finding Holly’s mother.
‘Perhaps, but this time I mean to try harder. I won’t name these children, or allow myself to grow fond of them, I promise. Once their mothers are found and, assuming they are fit and proper persons to have care of a child, which will all have to be gone into of course, the babies will at once be returned.’
‘And what if they aren’t: fit and proper persons?’
Bella frowned. ‘That is a problem, yes, I do agree. Or what if they are sick or dying, or simply won’t have the babies back. Or if I never find the mothers at all? What then?’
‘Take them to the orphanage now, love. What else can you do? It’s not your job to find mothers or check them out. Don’t listen to me mam. There’s nowt wrong with Ignatius House, even if one or two of the nuns are a bit sour-faced. They look after children well enough. Some of them even get sent to live in the country. You’d like that for them. Best you hand them over now rather than risk getting too attached.’
As so many times before when someone told Bella what she must do, she perversely wished to do the very opposite.
‘Once we get the Board of Guardians involved, they might take Holly as well though, mightn’t they?’
‘Why shouldn’t they take her? It’d happen be for the best.’
A long silence, with only the click of Dan’s toe caps on the setts, tapping out her thoughts. To lose Holly now seemed unthinkable. Bella loved her as though she were her own child, after nearly three months caring for her, it felt as if she were. ‘I haven’t made any decisions about Holly yet. She’s a living, breathing person with a right to a good life and I shall do my utmost to see that she gets one. I can’t bear to think of her in an institution with no one of her own to love. She’s so bright and full of fun. She’s already sitting up and taking notice. She’ll be walking in no time, I can tell.’
Recognising the maternal pride in her voice, Dan’s heart sank still further. ‘You have to face facts, Bella love. You can’t afford to keep her. Aren’t your hands full enough, with your work at the clinic?’
Bella desperately sought another solution. ‘Well, surely there must be any number of women who would be glad to have such a lovely child for their own.’
They both knew the answer to this one. If it might have been true once, it certainly wasn’t an option now, with the slump biting hard.
Dan pulled her into his arms, eyes bright with desire, hands smoothing her back and shoulders as if he cherished every part of her. ‘You know how fond I am of you, Bella. I love you. I’d do owt for you, you know I would - except I’ve had me fill o’minding childer over the years. When you and me wed, as I hope and pray that we will one day, soon as I’ve saved up enough brass, then I want us to start off proper. I’ve a good job, a regular wage coming in. Let’s hope I can keep it. When times get better, I want to find us a decent house to live in, give us a few years on our own before we start a family and not have them raining down on us year after year as they did with me mam and dad. I’ve seen the toll childer take, how tired and weary me mam gets, despite her cheeriness. Underneath all that banter she’s exhausted, near wore out with worry and hard work. I’ll not risk putting that on you. So, if taking on another woman’s child means we’d have one more mouth to feed, or would have to have one less of us own one day, then I’d say no, we’re not having it. I want to marry you Bella, because I do love you, with all my heart. But not that child.’
Bella was staring at him in a state of disbelief. ‘Are you saying that you’ve changed your mind, that you won’t take Holly, even if I found homes for the other two?’
‘I said I’d think about it. Now I’ve decided. I couldn’t agree to taking on another mouth to feed, not permanent like.’
A small stunned silence. ‘And if I refuse to give her up?’
‘I’d hope that it wouldn’t come to that.’
‘But if it did?’
He took a step back from her, his eyes as full of hurt as a wounded animal. ‘I can’t see me changing my mind.’
A breathless, agonising pause. ‘Well - at least I know where I stand.’
‘Aye. Happen we both do.’
That night, as she and Tilly were both fully employed feeding, changing and bathing babies, Bella explained that first thing the next morning she intended to take all three to the Guardians. Tilly went quite pale and her usually capable hands grew clumsy so that she accidentally pricked the baby she was tending with a nappy pin, making him cry out. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, love. There, there, don’t cry.’ She picked up the baby and began to nurse it, the gaze she fixed upon Bella filled with desperate appeal. ‘You can’t mean that. What, not our Holly an’ all?’
‘Yes. Even Holly. If I don’t, I could be inundated with abandoned babies and … and … there could be other - repercussions.’ She�
�d thought hard about what Dan had said and saw now that he was right. It would put too much of a strain on them. The Board of Guardians would never allow her, a single woman, to take on a child and she couldn’t force Dan to agree. It was asking too much of any man, and she really couldn’t bear to lose him.
‘It simply won’t do, Tilly. How would I ever manage to feed and keep them all? That’s why their mothers abandoned them in the first place, because they’ve proved to be one child too many to keep. The clinic was supposed to stop all of that but now things seem to be getting worse, not better.’
‘It’s the slump. That’s what it is. Happen the baby’s ma’s will turn up one day, when it’s all over and everyone’s got jobs again.’
‘And if that doesn’t happen?’
‘I don’t know, do I? But you can’t send these lovely children to be brought up by hard hearted nuns.’
‘They aren’t all hard hearted. Some are terribly kind and sweet. Violet is wrong about that. She feels that way because she’s such a strict Methodist.’
‘But she’s right in one respect. What sort of a life is it for a child? To grow up in an orphanage, an institution with no mam or dad. I’ve heard about them places. Thin porridge every morning for yer breakfast, nobody to kiss you good night or give you a bit of a cuddle. Bad as the workhouse. Would you like it?’
Bella could bear to hear no more. However calm and sensible she might appear on the outside, inside she was crying with the pain of it all. The decision was made and there was an end to it. ‘If I don’t take action now then I could lose everything that matters to me, including Dan, and I can’t risk that, Tilly. It’s time to accept the inevitable and face reality.’
The Favourite Child Page 30
