They all just explode.
I awake with a blood-curdling scream, shaking and writhing on my bed until I hit the ground. But it doesn’t stop me. I scream and scream and scream until I am sure it’s all I can do. I can’t breathe, I can’t stop, I can’t do anything but scream.
“Hey, hey, hey,” a familiar voice says, rushed. I hear a sharp bang! and then arms wrap around me. They rub my arms quickly, like they’re trying to cause friction and spark a fire. But lucky them, one is already consuming me. I cough, and I swear a gray puff leaves my cracked lips. I cough and cough, and ash sprinkles the floor. I scream more until my throat is ripped raw, and I can’t feel anything but the intense throbbing in my head.
“I hurt him, I hurt him, I hurt him!” I push past the person holding me back and start banging my fists against the floor. I can’t believe I hurt him! I should have stopped writing in that stupid fucking book, but I just kept going. I just kept going, praying I’d fall out of love somehow. God, I was so freaking stupid. I thought I would be able to climb out of love. But you can’t do that. You can’t stop loving someone. I just wish I knew that before I met him.
“Stop it! Help, someone, help!” the voice pleads.
“It hurts, it hurts so much!” I cry and thread my shaky, bloody fingers through my hair. The Velcro on the bandages have come undone and get stuck in my hair. But I don’t care. I rip them off and throw them at the wall, screaming at the top of my lungs.
“Shhh, shhh—calm down, I’m here.” The voice is soft, gentle, careful not to break me. A pair of arms are wrapped around me, rocking me back and forth. I know who it is without even opening my eyes.
“Why did I have to hurt him, Noah?” I croak and choke on a sob.
“Shhh, just relax. Help is on the way, okay?” he whispers.
I nod and sniffle as he rubs my hair and back. I clutch my hands in his shirt and try to breathe, while he presses his lips to my frizzy hair.
***
I’m back in the psych program. At least I think am, based on how well the lunch went today. I thought I wouldn’t be able to entertain such sophisticated people after I’d just had a mental breakdown and came back from the hospital at four in the morning, but I think it gave me strength to power through it, bright smiles and all.
Now, a few hours later, I pick at the hospital band around my wrist. I got this sweet little accessory when I was taken to the hospital earlier this morning. I woke up like a rabid animal, and my mother just had to have me…fixed, even if it’s temporarily. Noah managed to calm me down more than those crazy pills the doctors gave me.
He is the best person I have by my side at the moment. He stayed by my side all night, keeping me up, per my request. I told him that if I went under again, I would lose my mind. So he stayed up with me, talking about his travel stories when he visited Europe and how he wants to go to the Caribbean in the fall. When I asked him why he doesn’t want to attend college, he told me there’s no point in going, because it’d only waste his time when he could do what he’s surprisingly passionate about—painting.
I appreciated that he didn’t ask me to talk about myself and ignored the IV full of sedatives connected to my arm. I’m sure I would have crumbled to pieces, and the nurse would come in here and up the dosage. She’d be more than surprised when she found I took the damn things off me when I felt myself dozing off.
It’s like those Nightmare movies. You know, the horror films where a scarred man hunts and kills kids when they fall asleep. It’s like that, except a vengeful man with knives as his fingers doesn’t chase me through cornfields or drag me under my bed. I am haunted by another thing that’s almost scarier—Grey. And what I did to him. I wish I could take back what I did, what I wrote, every day. But it’s done, and now he hates me, and I have to go to therapy, and I have to take anti-depressants, and I am going through hospital bands like they’re a new trend.
I feel like I’m deteriorating from the inside out. And there is no cure for it.
I wonder if I’ll be this way for the rest of my life…
Will I manage to get over Grey? Will I get better, or will I live on these drugs and continue to be tormented by something I regret?
I just wish I had a time machine, and I could go back to December. Even to November, when we were good, well, toward the end. I want to wake up from under his arm, freshly plucked, no longer innocent to the world of sex, and I want to grab that damned book, and I want to throw it in the fire. I want to breathe in relief, and I want to go back under his arms and live the rest of my life with him, without the looming threat of finding out what I did.
But this isn’t a fairy tale. Or a romantic comedy. This is real life, and I can’t go back in time.
I can only move forward. But just one question…how the hell does one move on from someone they still think about, someone they’ll always think about?
“Okay, so I got the ice cream.” Mason’s voice drags me out of my thoughts.
I tip my head back as he walks over to me and sits on the table. We are at the food court of the local mall. Many other teenagers are sitting on the red picnic tables, laughing, chatting, and devouring treats from one of the best ice cream stands in the outside section. I take the sprinkled vanilla cone and take a little bit off the top.
“Thank you,” I tell him, my voice hoarse and barely inaudible. It’s from all the screaming and crying I did this morning. I hate that I’m going through this, when I know I should be trying to move on. But I honestly can’t even if I could. I hate that I am a complete wreck while he…while he screws around with Rose. I don’t want to be this way forever. I can’t. I won’t be able survive.
He smiles like he heard me bright as day and takes a chunk of his own ice cream cone. “Do you think we should eat something other than ice cream?” he asks, licking a droplet off his finger.
I hum, scrunching up my face. “Nope. It’s hot, and we’re young. We’re entitled to this.” I raise my cone, and he scrunches up his face before tapping it lightly against mine, like clashing swords. I try to laugh, but I just end up smiling. He chuckles and nudges me before licking more of his cone.
“Where’s Noah?” I ask and look around. He left with Mason, so where the heck is he?
Mason chomps a little before mumbling, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He shrugs with a knowing smile. “I don’t know. What do you think I mean?”
I pinch his leg, and he yelps and rolls his eyes. “Tell me what you mean, you Yoda!”
“You two are pretty close. I thought for sure you’d know every move he made,” he says. “Seeing as you wouldn’t want some girl taking your guy, right?”
I stammer, “W-what are you talking about?” I’m honestly lost.
“You and Noah, the couple of the summer,” he says, sporting a teasing smile. “I’m surprised you two haven’t got a filter on Snapchat yet.”
“We are not a thing, Mason! Don’t be insane!”
“Sure you aren’t.” He winks at me.
“I’m serious, stop it.”
He chuckles and shrugs. “It’s completely obvious the guy likes you. And guess what?” He leans down and whispers, “You like him too.”
I flush as bright as the sprinkles on my ice cream and shake my head, serious. “No, I don’t. I can’t. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m not even able to handle another relationship. I am sort of still dealing with my last one, don’t you think?” I raise my bandaged arms from the IVs and my re-bandaged hands.
His face grows dim, and he looks to the ground. “I just…I really hate to see you this way. I hate seeing you this…this hurt by an asshole. I knew he was horrible, and I let you get involved with him anyway. After what he did to my sister, I honestly thought he’d learned his lesson.”
“But I’m the one who did this to myself,” I say, and he frowns. “I am the one who betrayed him. He thinks I never loved him, that I only used him for the program…
but I didn’t. At first, yeah. I admit it—I didn’t love him, but then I got to know the deeper side of him, and I, I just lost sight of what I was doing in the first place.”
“So, you have to suffer the consequences?” He gestures up and down at me. “This?”
“Yes, Mason.” I laugh a little. I place a hand on his knee. “I did this…and I have to reap the consequences. Now let me reap in peace.”
He takes my hand, face hardened. “Like hell I will. You messed up, but that doesn’t mean you should lose your shit. You can’t sleep without waking up like Freddy Krueger tried killing your ass, for fuck’s sake!” He raises his voice, attracting a few stares.
“Calm down, Mason,” I beg. “It is completely my fault, every single part of it. All the things he put me through don’t matter, not when it’s compared to what I did…I messed up—me.”
He rolls his eyes and sits up straight. “I just don’t like seeing you like this.”
I sigh and climb up onto the table, throwing an arm around him. “I’ll get through this. All I need is for you to be there, that’s all.” I get close to his cheek and nudge my head with his; he cracks a smile. “Can you do that?” He’s like a stubborn child, but he finally grumbles and nods. “Good. Now, wanna help me find the dork who got lost in the food court?”
“Excuse me, I am not a dork.” The table shakes, and Mason and I look to our left and find Noah messily eating a burrito as he sits down. “What?” he mumbles.
Mason rolls his eyes while I smile. “Where’d you go? I cancelled your order when you left.”
“I had other things I had to do,” he says lamely.
“Like get that?” I nod to the food in his hand.
“Mm-hmmm.” He hums and holds up a large Zip-Loc bag with weird green stuff. “And this.” He looks around and stuffs it in his hoodie’s front pocket.
“Weed?” Mason laughs. “Why the hell did you get that?”
“For a party tomorrow.”
“What’s tomorrow?” I ask.
“Fourth of July,” Mason answers for me.
How is it that I keep forgetting holidays…it’s insane!
“Yes, my good sir.” Noah playfully bows his head, speaking in a British tone. I laugh, and Mason gives me a side smile. I blush and discreetly knock my knee against his. He better get that idea that Noah and I like each other out of his mind. It’s not true. Nowhere near true. “And we are all going to my friend’s barbecue.”
“No, thank you,” I say while Mason begins speaking. I give him a look, and he gives one back. We fight back and forth. I don’t want to go because I’d rather stay in than possibly run into Grey. Although I doubt he’d befriend any of Noah’s friends, who are most likely frat kind of guys, he still has a way of showing up and making me feel worse than I already do. But Mason, he wants to be normal and spend the holiday drinking and dancing and having fun. I should want to do the same, but I’m so scared to see him that I’d rather be stuck with my mother as she throws a party with all of her country club friends.
“Please, you need this more than I do…” Mason whispers, his eyes sad.
I sigh and glance at Noah, who is smiling like a fool, lettuce hanging from the corner of his mouth. I hold in a laugh and look back to Mason. I sigh again and nod. “We’ll be there.”
“Great, it’s plus one,” he says, hopping down from the table. “But you’ve already got me as yours.” He winks at me, and I roll my eyes but smile.
Chapter Fifteen
I’ve never spent a Fourth of July away from my mother, like I’d never spent Christmas without my family. I’m doing a lot of things without her, and it makes me feel more grown up, which is stupid and immature to say. Like I’m a thirteen year old at summer camp discovering boys and cigarettes. Unlike the normal, curious pre-teen, I am experiencing the adult world where my mother doesn’t have to be present. And I’ve quickly learned the time can be wonderful and ethereal, like Christmas.
I wonder if I’ll ever feel that happy on that day again…
“Hello? Come back to us, space cadet.” Jaimie snaps her fingers.
I face her on my computer screen and smile apologetically. “I’m sorry, I was just in my head.” I clear my throat and clutch the hem of the blouse I am wearing. “Are you sure this is okay?” I run my hand along the delicate fuchsia swirls embedded in the top of the shirt. It is off the shoulder with no sleeves and is quite cropped; but the rise denim shorts make up a little for my exposed stomach. I feel like a naked person. My legs have never looked long before, but now they do, and my feet are clad in laced sandals that tie along my calf in golden straps. “I feel like a woman gladiator,” I grumble.
“It’s Coachella chic. You look great,” she says with a knowing smile. “You have to look great for this new boy-toy of yours.”
I groan. “I’m not doing this with you.”
“Oh, don’t be that way, Bam.” She laughs and falls back on her bed. Julia is in the frame now, and she glances at me and nods her head, approving of my outfit.
“Someone finally learned how to dress,” she teases. “Did you burn all your hideous clothes already?” she gasps. “Tell me I didn’t miss the burning! I was waiting on it for the longest time too.”
Jaimie bursts into laughter. “I hope you saved the burning too. I’d love to see a particular turtleneck go up in flames.”
“Shut up. You two are mean!” I moan.
I bring the laptop to my vanity and set it a few inches from me. I curl my hair in delicate swirls that fall past my shoulder, and Jaimie instructs me how to do my makeup. Even Julia jumps in and tries to coach me on how to make a dark eyeshadow look, but I quickly deny that idea. I know she loves her black…well, everything—but I, on the other hand, don’t want to look like I’ve been punched and left with a black eye. She rocks that whole rocker chick style better than me. So I end up applying light pink traces of blush on my cheeks and applying peach pink lipstick to my lips. And that’s all. It’s hot, and I don’t want the makeup to drip down my face.
There’s a knock on the door, and Mason pokes his head in.
“Are you decent?” he asks.
I laugh. “You already stuck your head in, but yeah, come in.” I run my fingers through my curls, perfecting them with a little spray, as he walks in and sits on the edge of my bed. It’s quiet except for Julia’s loud munching of potato chips and Jaimie’s berating that she’ll mess up the hotel bed, and she won’t be paying for any damage. I smile at how quirky but adorable they are and flick my eyes to Mason in the mirror. He looks…off.
“Everything okay?” I turn in the chair.
He looks up from the ground and stops bouncing his knee. “Yeah, yeah—no, I’m fine.” He smiles a wide smile and sweeps his hand over his fluffy short-cut hair. He says he’s fine, but I can sense he isn’t. From the strained smile to the tapping of his fingers. I know my best friend, and I know when something is up with him. And now is one of those moments.
“Spill,” I command. It’s probably about a girl. He’s always nervous to tell me he’s dating someone new. I never would have thought, but he’s quite the charmer. Who am I kidding? I had a little bitty crush on him when we first met. Only because he just has the vibe to him, the kind that makes you feel safe and warm.
“You know how Noah said the party is ‘plus one’?” he says, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Yes…” I say, unsure of why he’s so hesitant to just tell me. It’s not like I’ll be upset or anything. Most of the girls have been nice.
“Well, mine is on the way right now…” He trails off.
“I feel drama coming on…I’ll go get some popcorn,” says Julia, then I hear shushes from Jaimie. I peek out of my peripheral, finding her face close to the camera, eyes on Mason like this is a soap opera. Oh Lord, these girls…I roll my eyes and try to focus on him while Julia bursts back in the room and begins eating popcorn like it’s candy.
“That’s great. How’d you meet her? What’s her na
me?” I turn back to the vanity and begin applying mascara to my eyelashes. Why was he so nervous to announce that? He didn’t have to be so dramatic about it. “Hey, do you think we should bring something to the party? Maybe casserole or cookies? I can ask Louise to whip something up quickly—”
“I met him a few weeks ago in a cafe,” he says, “and his name is Mateo…Grey’s cousin.”
I nearly poke my eye out. I cry out in pain, and he starts to get up, but I wave my hands and face him. He sinks back onto the bed as I wave at my right eye, cursing to myself. But then I pause and let his words sink in.
“You’re…he…?” I am blind-sided. I never saw that coming.
He taps his fingers ferociously against his knees. “I’m bisexual,” he confirms.
“Oh, okay…” I am not judging or non-accepting. I am just…really shocked.
“Totally fucking called it!” Julia exclaims. “Who wears man purses and sweater vests and doesn’t dabble in the dark myth of dick?”
“Stop being rude,” Jaimie growls, pinching her girl’s leg.
“Stop being abusive,” Julia quips back, pinching her back and receiving a scream. “I should just call an abusive hotline and get you arres—”
I shut the laptop and focus on Mason.
“Sorry, ’bout that.” I force myself to smile despite the girl’s insensitive comments. Sometimes I just want to strangle them. But this isn’t about them. This is about Mason. “Have you always known?”
He shrugs. “I’ve noticed guys, yeah, but I’ve never dated one or anything like that.”
“Mateo, huh?” I smile a cheeky smile, poking my tongue lightly in my cheek. He rolls his eyes and falls back onto the bed. “He’s pretty cute, but a little young, don’t you think? Are you a cougar now?” I continue to tease him as I get up and skip over to the bed. I fall back beside him, landing on his outstretched hand, and lay my head on his chest. I raise my hands and squint my eyes as he talks.
Grey: The Retribution (Spectrum Series Book 3) Page 10
