“I’m sorry about that.” Xander shifts uneasily. “I…thought it might scare you off,” he admits.
Ben stares at him, feels hysterical laughter bubbling up his throat, but he swallows it down, because Xander looks raw and sensitive. “Alexander, I am not going to scare off that easily. I promise. But I’m an adult. I like that you want to be careful and take care of me, I do. But I’m not stupid, just not as experienced as you are. I’d like to be at least asked about that kind of stuff, you know?”
Xander nods. “Okay.”
Ben’s phone buzzes on the nightstand, and he closes the knife and places it back into Xander’s hand. “Keep it under the bed,” he smiles. “You were right. It’s a good place for it.”
“Alright. But we need to change the sheets, first,” Xander insists. “Who texted you?”
“It’s my mom.” Ben re-reads the message a couple of times, starts laughing. “Huh. Looks like I’ll have my revenge,” he says to Xander.
“What do you mean?” Xander is already pulling at the sheets.
“She’s insisting you come to a family lunch next weekend. No excuses. She wants to re-meet you officially as The Boyfriend.”
Xander stops mid-tug at a pillowcase. “Oh,” he says, looking worried. “Um. I haven’t really done the ‘meet the parents’ thing before.”
“I know.”
“What if they don’t like me?”
“They already like you.”
“This is different!”
Ben laughs. “Scared?”
Xander looks at him. “I am fucking terrified,” he says slowly.
“I’m really starting to see the appeal in fear,” Ben grins.
Ben’s family are large and loud, and Xander is lucky, Ben thinks, that his parents have only invited Katy and her boyfriend to this lunch as well as Xander and Ben. Usually a clutch of cousins come along as well, but Ben’s parents really do want to get to know Xander, as becomes obvious from Ben’s mom’s questions. She’s very good at making it seem like small talk, but Ben knows better. She’s a psychotherapist, and Katy is a counsellor, so they’re both great at getting people to open up and reveal things without even realizing it. Xander looks only slightly shell-shocked as he finds himself sharing how it felt as a teenager when his dad died, and how much he admires the way his mom supported his and Joe’s creative talents and their move to LA. Ben is kind of glad that Katy and his mom are winkling out so much information from Xander. He never talks this much about himself, and Ben is hearing a lot of new shit he never knew about his boyfriend.
It makes Ben a little sad to think that Xander’s move will interrupt that getting-to-know-you period, but he puts that thought in a box deep in the back of his mind. Today is a good day, after all.
“And I hear your career is really taking off now,” Ben’s dad says, as he passes the bread down to Xander.
“Yes, sir,” Xander says politely. “I’ve been lucky to win a fairly high-profile role.”
Ben snorts. “Not lucky. You worked hard for that role. You’re gonna be a superstar, Xander, and you’ll deserve every good thing that comes from it.” Ben is enjoying that bit, being able show off his uber-talented boyfriend. The usual ache of loss that accompanies discussion of Xander’s move to New York isn’t there when Ben brags like this. He gives Xander his mega-watt smile, and sees his mother hide a smile of her own behind a hand.
“Long distance can be tough,” Katy says, in that blunt-but-kind way she has. “I hope you guys have thought about what you’ll do to stay close.”
Ben is about to bitch her out when Xander steps in.
“You’re right,” he says seriously. “And unfortunately, it’s part of the creative job to be something of a traveler. Not just actors — for writers too, like Ben.”
At this, Ben’s whole family look skeptical. Of late, Ben’s mother has taken to suggesting he pick a ‘back-up career’ in case the ‘writing thing’ doesn’t work out.
“Ben could go to New York, too,” Katy suggests, with so much innocence that she’s obviously been planning to say something about this for ages. She pokes around at her salad with a fork, studiously not meeting Ben’s eyes.
“Back off, Katy,” Ben says sharply.
She looks at him then, widening her eyes. “What? It would make sense. You can be a barista-cum-writer in New York just as well as you can here.”
Ben scowls, but under the tablecloth, Xander puts a gentle hand on his knee, restraining the words that had been about to burst out of his mouth. Ben and Katy are very close, but that also means they fight like cat and dog sometimes.
Xander says: “Of course, the thing I’d like most in the world would be for Ben to come with me, but I’m not sure if–”
“I’ll go,” Ben says. “Why not?” He glares at Katy.
Xander’s eyebrows look like they’re about to take off into space. Actually, now that Ben looks around the table, so do everyone else’s.
“What?” he says. “I can’t move cities to be with someone I love?”
His mom’s eyes go all soft and liquid, and she gives him a happy, watery smile. “Of course you can,” she says warmly.
“It’s just that you never do anything that decisive,” Katy adds unhelpfully.
“What the hell does that mean?” Ben demands.
“Benjamin,” Mom says, and Xander too, quietly. Ben can feel himself going pink.
“I think what you sister means is that you’re still finding yourself.” Dad, ever the peace-maker, breaks into the rising tension. “You just haven’t discovered your life’s direction yet in the same way that Xander here has. But that’s to be expected, Ben. You’re young. You have lots of time.”
But looking at Xander, Ben is pretty sure he’s found his direction. Due north, towards the Icy Bear.
Afterwards, after hugging everyone goodbye, and accepting Katy’s whispered apology in his ear, Ben and Xander begin the drive back across the city.
“That went well,” Xander says. “I think. I didn’t do anything to embarrass you, did I?”
“I could go to New York,” Ben says, his mind on other things.
Xander sends him a sidelong glance, but keeps his focus on the traffic. “You could,” he says cautiously.
“You never even mentioned it before,” Ben says. “Do you…not want me to—”
“Let me stop you right there,” Xander says. “Of course I want you to come. My life would be the most perfect thing ever if I got to have you in New York with me while I worked on The Hunter. But I didn’t feel I had the right to ask you to leave everything here.”
Ben gives a short laugh. “Yeah, making coffee is such a passion for me, I can see why you’d think I might not want to give that up.” Ben has a choice here. He can sulk, or he can have a productive conversation, and maybe get everything he wants.
Xander gives him a smile, but seems unsure of the atmosphere.
“If you ask me to go with you,” Ben says recklessly, “I’ll go. Why not? Katy was right, although she didn’t have to be so bitchy about it. I can be an under-employed writer-slash-barista in New York just as well as I can in LA.”
They’re on the highway now, and it’s probably not the best place to be having this conversation, but it’s not like Ben could have waited till they got back to his apartment.
There’s a long silence between them. Xander stares fixedly at the Sunday afternoon traffic.
“Benjamin,” Xander says at last, his voice hushed. “Will you move to New York with me?”
“Yes,” Ben says firmly. “Yes, Xander I will move to New York with you.” He starts chuckling, and Xander can’t help it either, grinning wildly and laughing.
Only a few days later, Ben finds himself walking into a stereotype: the Hollywood Liquid Lunch. His host, and the one who’s thankfully paying for everything since Ben’s coffee-shop pay doesn’t extend to The Ivy prices, is a big-shot agent who heard about him from the producers of the show Joe works on.
Ben is starting to
realize that the hoary old chestnut is right: it’s who you know that counts.
His meeting with those producers went nowhere at the time (Ben had guessed as much, when he named his influences as a bunch of poets, and the faces opposite him nodded with big smiles of complete ignorance), but they apparently thought he was worth talking up to an agent. Ben has never got this far before — the closest he’s come so far to getting signed by a literary agent was a polite email refusal from an admin assistant. But here he is now, sitting opposite one of the most influential agents in LA, with a portfolio full of poetry, movie pitches, play outlines and numerous spec TV scripts.
The thing is, Ramona Jones seems much more interested in his relationship with Xander than his portfolio.
“I hear they gave out scripts with six different endings for the finale last season on The Hunter, just to track leaks,” she says loudly. Ramona is a loud-talker, her mouth lacquered in shiny red lipstick and staining the edge of her complimentary glass of champagne.
Ben has never been inside The Ivy before. It’s…flowery. And everyone seems to know Ramona. Which, he has to admit, is a great thing in an agent. It’s just that she always introduces him as “Xander Romano’s boyfriend”, and then says his name after that.
It’s a curious feeling. On the one hand, Ben is incredibly proud of Xander, and incredibly proud to be his boyfriend.
On the other, hello, he’s also a human being with worth?
Eventually, over dessert, Ramona asks for his portfolio, and he passes it over without comment. He’s barely said anything throughout their meeting, although he’s heard all about Ramona and her client list, the jobs she got people on hit shows, and the movie producers she’s friendly with. She flicks through his work, frowning, and then looks up at him.
“This poetry,” she says. “It’s good.”
“Thanks,” Ben says, with a surprised grin.
Ramona is still frowning, though, like that’s not actually a selling point. She turns to his spec script for a big medical drama, and reads through it at super-speed. He guesses fast reading must be a requirement for a literary agent, which is what Ramona technically is, even though she pushes most of her clients into TV or movies. “This isn’t bad,” she says, sounding surprised now.
She gives him a thoughtful look.
“Thanks?” Ben says, unsure now what she’s getting at.
“Are you not out of the closet?” she asks, waving for the cheque.
“Uh, sure. Yes, I am.” He sort of is. Xander is, anyway, and it’s not like Ben is hiding their relationship or anything. He’s just private. No one needs to know their personal business. Especially their kinky personal business. That’s the real closet door he’s keeping shut.
Ramona sits back in her chair and regards him with a calm smile. “You don’t seem comfortable with me mentioning your boyfriend to other people.”
Ben shrugs. “I mean…what does it matter who he is? I’m your client, right? My boyfriend doesn’t make me a better writer.” Well, he kind of does, but Ben is definitely not going into all that schmoopy stuff with this woman.
“Sweetheart, this is a business,” Ramona says, and though her tone is gentle, the steel in her eyes is not. “My job is to get your name out there, get you hired, get you wanted. Do you understand that?”
“What are you saying, that I should be in the closet?”
“No, Ben. What I’m saying is, success is about leverage.”
Ben stares blankly at her.
She tries again, more bluntly this time: “Your boyfriend’s famous. Use that.”
Ben gives an angry shake of the head. “I’m not gonna use my boyfriend to make my own career better. That’s – that’s just shitty. No. If that’s what you think I need to do, then I don’t think you’re the agent for me. I’m sorry–” He stands, but she just sits there, smiling her knowing smile. The waiter brings the cheque for Ramona to sign, and Ben feels awkward now, standing there while Ramona is sitting.
“Ask him,” she says, as she signs, and hands the receipt back to the waiter with a smile.
“Ask who?”
“Your boyfriend. Ask Xander Romano if he thinks it would be good publicity for you to use his name.”
But Ben shakes his head again stubbornly. “I thought you were a literary agent, not a publicist. Look, I’m sorry, I don’t think this is a good fit.”
Ramona stands up as well and actually links her arms through his, walking him out of the restaurant. “Listen, kid, I’m a Hollywood agent, and my job is always going to include marketing and publicity. It just so happens that I’m the best in town, and you—” They’re outside by now, on the flowering patio, and she looks him up and down. “You’re adorable. So I’ll give you another shot. Talk to your boyfriend about it; see what he says.”
“That’s very kind of you,” Ben says stiffly. “But I’m moving to New York, anyway, in a few months. So…” He shrugs.
Ramona gives another laugh as they part ways. “Sweetheart, I have clients all over the place. New York, South America, Europe. Location doesn’t matter. All that matters is what I can do for you. And what I can do for you? No one else can do.”
“She’s right,” Xander tells him later, and it’s exactly what Ben doesn’t want to hear. “Ramona Jones is the best. Honestly, the fact that she’s giving you another shot is, well, pretty amazing. She reps every big name writer in Hollywood.”
They’re browsing through pictures of available apartments in New York. Ben has rarely been to the city and has no particular preferences. But for Xander, New York has long been his goal: a paradise, a chance for glory, the ultimate city of Art-with-a-capital-A. He has very specific opinions about where he’d like to stay, and since the studio is paying for it, he’s letting his dreams run away with him, in Ben’s opinion. Ben is starting to find his eyes rolling every time Xander begins a sentence: You know, when we’re in New York…
Ben gets off the couch and goes over to Noah, who is napping in his soft dog bed under the window. He pets Noah, who gives an appreciative grunt and then goes back to sleep. When Ben can be sure he’s not going to snap, he says to Xander: “So you agree with Ramona? I should use our relationship as a tool to further my own career?”
When he looks over, Xander’s face is very serious. “I agree with her that this business can demand a lot, and not everyone is willing to sacrifice their personal lives for it.”
“You are,” Ben points out. He’s never held that against Xander. Xander has to be an actor the way some people have to dance, or sing. And Xander would be acting even if it was just the local theatre in a shitty version of Ibsen or something, just like a singer will give an aria in the shower, or a dancer will hit the clubs very Friday and Saturday night.
“I’m certainly not willing to sacrifice you,” Xander says, looking fierce, and then he realizes how it sounds, and backtracks regularly. “And I’m not suggesting at all that what Ramona said is about sacrificing me, either. I’d be freaking overjoyed if you hit it big. You know that; and Ramona is the way to do that. So if it means using my name to get yours out there, do it. You have my blessing.” And he makes an ironic little sign of the cross in the air.
It still doesn’t sit right with Ben, but after several more discussions and prompts and even mock-commands from Xander, Ben agrees to call Ramona again and beg for another meeting. But this time, Ben invites her around to his apartment. He’d rather be on home ground for the next battle.
Ramona is completely unfazed by the new surroundings. In fact, she asks him for champagne when he offers her a drink, and then looks mildly perplexed that he does not have champagne.
“I spoke to Xander,” he says, once he’s brought her a chai tea instead. Xander’s left a stash of chai supplies at Ben’s, even though Ben still dislikes it.
“I see,” Ramona says.
“And he says it’s okay.”
“I see,” she says again.
Ben shifts on the more-uncomfortable sofa chair
. He sat Ramona on the one that still has all the stuffing in the cushions. “Um, so I know you’re a big deal. Xander told me I should say thank you for even agreeing to see you again. So…thanks.”
Ramona looks as though she’s trying not to laugh. “Do you always do everything your boyfriend tells you to do?” she asks.
Ben can feel a hot flush immediately suffuse his face, but tries not to over-react. There’s no way Ramona Jones can know about the stuff they do together, no matter how many contacts she has in LA.
Right?
“Well, Xander’s career’s taking off, so he’s doing something right,” he says neutrally. “I figured it was smart to listen to him.”
“Good boy,” Ramona says.
Shock makes his fingers go cold. Ben wonders, again: can Ramona actually know about Xander’s…preferences? About Ben’s? Can Hollywood gossip really be that concerned with the two of them?
But Ramona is already moving on, and if she notices anything odd in his demeanor, she doesn’t say anything. She pulls out a contract, advises him to speak to his lawyer (Ben doesn’t have one, but he doesn’t tell her that), and tells him she’s already spoken to a number of showrunners on his behalf, and will call him when she has news.
So that’s that, Ben figures, and never expects to hear from Ramona Jones again. He gets on with his plans to move to New York, something that makes him more nervous than Ramona ever could.
It’s not just the moving to New York thing that makes him nervous, although Ben is not looking forward to leaving the temperate climes of LA. It’s the never-spoken-about fact that he and Xander will be living together. They’ll be a co-habiting couple.
Partners.
Ben’s never lived with someone before, unless you count his family, which he doesn’t. He moved out on his own when he decided it was time to be a grown-up, but that wasn’t even very long ago, and he lives in an apartment owned by a friend of the family, so he’s pretty sure he gets a big break on rent. He spends most of his time at Xander’s place now, but when he wants to stretch out alone in his bed for a night, he can do that. Xander tends to be a clingy sleeper, and sometimes Ben likes a little more room. If – when – they move in together, he won’t have an escape hatch waiting for him. Also, Ben needs his introvert time; it’s just who he is. So it’s a minor issue, but it’s still an issue.
Loved by Him (Rough Love Book 5) Page 2
