I paused with my hand on the doorknob. Was I just a disturbance to Neil? I knew how seriously he took his work. I didn’t want to become a hindrance.
I shut the door quietly and leaned against it on the other side. The hallways were full of staff and crew rushing around as usual. Neil wasn’t the only busy person on this tour.
I couldn’t help the small pang of hurt rising in my chest. He had been so happy to find out who I was. He’d seemed so enthusiastic. Now it seemed like getting some alone time with him was going to be like pulling teeth.
Maybe we really should have waited until summer was over.
Chapter Fourteen
“Tell me what you think of this one?”
The guys were backstage, a few hours before their next show. Several cameras surrounded them, making sure to get their expressions from every angle. I stood out of sight behind them.
Neil was also there, making sure the scene was going the way he wanted. He’d shown up for the shoot early to set things up. I’d given him a small smile when I walked in and he returned it, but he didn’t say anything. I was hurt for a moment, wondering if he was trying to brush me off like the last time, until I realized we were in the middle of a shoot. Half the crew already thought we were totally hot for each other. He probably didn’t want to do anything to start more rumors.
I’d worried what would happen when the band members filed in, and I was right to. Jayce had stopped still, his gaze flickering from me to Neil and back again. It was unnerving. Neil tensed up, but he met Jayce’s gaze straight on. After a few seconds of staring each other down, Jayce’s expression smoothed into his usual easy smirk as he got into character for the shoot. I didn’t think anyone else had noticed the small, awkward moment.
I took a moment to gather myself. We were all professionals here. There was no reason we couldn’t work together.
I took out my tablet and scrolled through an album of photos and videos. I’d gathered together some of the cool, random, and weird things that Feral Silence’s fans had created in their honor.
A few of the guys, like Jayce and Kell, were more active online and had already seen some of the things I showed them, but Morris and Ren were blown away by almost all of it. Morris himself was practically speechless, but Kell always had something to say. Usually something enthusiastic.
“This is awesome! Someone drew a picture of us as cartoon superheroes?”
“Female cartoon superheroes,” Jayce corrected him. “They drew us as girls. We’re in skirts. We have tiaras.”
“Hey, why does Jayce get to be the one in front? Is she the leader? She had blond hair. Clearly I should be the leader. I’m the front man. I’ve got blond hair.”
I stifled a laugh and snuck a peek at Neil. He was holding back a smile, his lips twitching. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and I knew what he was thinking. I’d said the same thing when I first showed Neil the picture. I should have known that would be Kell’s reaction.
Jayce must have noticed our silent conversation. He shifted in his seat and looked uncomfortable for a moment, looking away from the cameras, eyes unfocused. I grimaced, feeling bad. I was essentially rubbing my relationship with Neil in Jayce’s face, and he would have to deal with that day in and day out for the rest of the tour.
After a few moments, Jayce straightened his back and re-joined the conversation as if nothing had happened.
“The blond one’s a princess,” Morris chimed in.
The rest of the band gave him a look.
“Don’t ask how I know that,” he added.
“If you want, we could message the artist and ask her to draw another picture with you as Sailor Moon,” I suggested.
“Awesome, let’s do it!”
“No.” Morris and Ren were both in agreement: leave well enough alone.
They were lucky I hadn’t shown them the more risqué pictures I’d found. At least this one had them fully clothed, although short-skirted.
I was about to move on when a private message popped up on my phone. I tapped to dismiss it, and then stopped when I read the first few lines.
you better watch yourself you stupid whore.
you try to sink your claws into Jayce and you’ll get what’s coming to you
My shoulders hunched up around my ears unconsciously, as if trying to protect myself from a blow. This was getting crazy. Was someone really out to get me? There was no way they could know who I really was, though. Right?
“Ailey.”
I jumped as Jayce whispered my name, trying not to look freaked out.
“You okay?” he asked quietly.
“I’m fine,” I mouthed. He nodded, still looking concerned, but dropped it for the moment.
I shoved my phone back in my purse, determined to ignore the message. I wasn’t going to let some crazy fangirl ruin my day and interrupt my work.
“What about this?”
The guys crowded together over my tablet reading the screen silently. Kell must have been the fastest reader, because he was the first one to react.
“No way! Are you kidding me?”
“Is this… Seriously… What…?” Morris couldn’t even form words.
“Let me get this straight. Someone wrote a dirty story about Morris and me having a sexual relationship, and for some reason decided to share it with the rest of the internet?” Ren was more amused than upset, but Morris’ face was bright red.
“There’s more.” I swiped the screen and showed them the next one.
“Oh god,” Jayce groaned. “This one is me?”
“Wait, I thought Ren was with Morris. Why is he with Jayce, now?”
“There’s a good contingent of fans who believe Morris and Ren are meant to be. There’s another that think Jayce and Ren are soulmates. These two sides have fierce debates over who’s right.”
The three of them looked awed and embarrassed at the same time.
“Wait, why aren’t I in these stories?” Kell protested. He took my tablet from my hands and started swiping and tapping, looking at the rest of the stories I’d found. “How come no one’s sexing me up?”
Jayce took the tablet from him and started examining the stories himself.
“For some reason, the fans don’t believe you’re having a relationship with anyone in the band,” I told him.
Kell looked almost offended. “Am I not hot enough or what?”
“I don’t think that’s the problem.” I didn’t want to tell him that half the fans thought his big head made him seem too difficult for any of the guys to handle. Plenty of fans thought Kell had an ego larger than life and couldn’t imagine him having a sexual relationship with any member of the band. I was sure he wouldn’t appreciate knowing everyone thought he was too egotistical to be “sexed up” by Jayce, Morris, or Ren.
“Not only do we have to worry about fans getting jealous of potential girlfriends because we’re not dating them instead, now they’ll get mad if they think we’re not dating each other.” Morris groaned.
“I don’t think it’s dating they want to see us doing,” Jayce murmured. His eyes were wide as he stared at the screen. He must have found some of the more explicit sex scenes.
“Ren, come here and make out with me.” Kell reached over Morris and tried to grab at the bassist. “Come prove to everyone I’m sexy.”
Ren grinned and pretended to reach for him, but Morris elbowed them both in the ribs.
“At least wait until you’re in private.”
Kell grumbled as he sat back down.
“Actually, Kell, there is one thing fans have come up with that you might like.” The other guys would be horrified to find out something like this, but I knew Kell would love it. “There’s a small but hardcore group of fans who like to imagine there’s an identical girl version of you, and the both of you are, as you say, sexing each other up.” After all, the only person who could manage a threesome with Kell and his ego was Kell himself.
“I’m doing my own fe
male doppelgänger?” Kell looked thoughtful for a moment before a grin spread across his face. “All right!” He fist pumped in the air. “Twice the Kell for you all to love.”
“That’s weird, dude,” Morris snorted.
Ren was nodding his head, but he looked impressed at their fans’ imagination and ingenuity. Jayce still had my tablet and was reading intently.
“This is too freaking crazy…” he murmured.
“What was that?” Neil asked from behind the camera, trying to catch his quiet words.
Jayce thrust the tablet back at me and slouched down into his seat. “Nothing.”
I was worried for him. I’d seen a totally different side of Jayce. I knew how much effort he put into acting the rock star god. Deep inside though, he was different. More somber. More introverted.
Well, aside from the times he’d come onto me. He had seemed plenty extroverted then. The memory of his tongue in my mouth and his hands on my skin ignited an ache between my legs. Definitely not the best time to be thinking of kissing him.
Jayce had issues that he didn’t seem comfortable sharing with the rest of the band. These people were supposed to be his closest friends and he hadn’t confided in them. Did he have anyone he could lean on? Anyone he could look to for support?
Maybe I could have been that person if things hadn’t turned out the way they had with Neil.
***
WE REACHED THE next city ahead of time, and the guys were talking about taking a break before rehearsal. I waited until they filed out of the bus.
“Jayce, do you have a minute?”
It had been a bit awkward having to share the tour bus with Jayce after everything that had happened, but I’d managed to keep my spirits up by interacting with the rest of the band, Kell in particular. He was funny and energetic and always up to answer fan questions. I spent most of my time on the tour bus doing Q&A’s and getting the guys to take selfies for me to post. As long as I was doing my job, Jayce and I got along well.
It was only when we were alone that things were tense. I didn’t want that. I had to fix things between us.
Jayce stopped as soon as I called out to him, slowly turning around.
“Yeah?”
I hesitated and decided to power through it.
“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
He frowned at me and turned on his heel. “I’m fine.”
“I don’t mean about us. I’m talking about your… panic attacks.” I said the last two words quietly.
He whipped his head up, looking around quickly, but there was no one there to overhear, just like I’d planned.
“I consider you a friend. I just want to make sure you’re all right. It must be hard doing shows every night.”
Jayce gave me a considering look before his shoulders slumped. He looked up at the ceiling and rubbed at his stubbled jaw. “I’m doing… okay.”
“You want to talk about it?” I sat down on one of the sofas, leaving room for him to join me. He paused, studying my face intently, but eventually he sat down gingerly next to me. We were both quiet for a moment before he spoke.
“They’re getting worse.” His voice was low, and he spoke from deep within his chest.
“How bad?”
“It’s taking longer and longer to snap out of it. Sometimes I’m worried I’ll pass out because I can’t breathe. I get dizzy. My vision goes blank.”
I reached out and placed a hand on his arm, but he averted his eyes.
“Do you think maybe it’s time to talk to someone about this? A doctor?” I didn’t want to say a psychiatrist. I knew of the stigma. I knew some people took badly to that, thinking that you were calling them crazy, even though that was the last thing on my mind. I knew how important it was to take care of your mental health. One of my good friends had been dealing with bipolar disorder since her early teens.
“How? When? I’m always on tour, or working on another album, or doing promo events.”
I wasn’t a professional, but I worried that if Jayce didn’t try to manage his illness, he’d have a real breakdown one day. I thought back to what my best friend had told me worked for her. Bipolar disorder wasn’t the same as anxiety disorder, but panic attacks were sometimes also a symptom.
“There’s this meditation app I know. It’s supposed to help people with anxiety. Gimme your phone.” A few taps later and I’d downloaded it for him. “My friend said it really helped her.”
“Thanks,” he murmured, looking at the screen and avoiding my eyes.
“Try it and let me know how it goes.”
Jayce blew out a frustrated breath. “I just feel like I need to learn to deal with it on my own.”
“You don’t have to do it alone. If you want, I could stay next to you when you’re having your—” I paused. “Your problems.”
“I can’t ask you to babysit me after every concert.”
“It’s not babysitting,” I insisted. “It’s one friend looking out for another.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t want to be friends.” His eyes burned into mine and he shifted on the sofa, lightning fast, taking my face into his hands. “I want to be more than friends. Every time I’m next to you I can’t help but think about that night. All I want to do is kiss you again. Touch you again.” He groaned and leaned forward, resting his forehead against mine. “I’d give anything to taste you one more time.”
I froze, torn between kissing him and pulling away.
Jayce made the first move and let me go, sighing in defeat. He slumped down on the couch and rested an arm across his eyes as if he couldn’t even look at me.
“I still want you, but I know I can’t have you. Do you have any idea what that feels like?”
I fidgeted with my hands, pressing them against my thighs “…Yes. I know exactly what that feels like.”
Jayce removed his arm from his eyes and stared at me. “We both know why this wouldn’t work.”
I nodded, looking down at my hands.
Jayce stood up. “I managed before you showed up. I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry.” He strode out of the bus, leaving me alone.
We had both discussed at length why there could be nothing between us. Now there was a new complication. Aside from the same reasons as before, I was trying to make something work with Neil. I wasn’t free to date whomever I wanted.
I couldn’t help but wonder, though, if his relationship with his fans was his only reason. Upsetting a few people wouldn’t be the end of the world, would it? It wasn’t like every single fan would care if he started dating someone.
Was there another reason Jayce was always pulling away?
Chapter Fifteen
Neil messaged me that morning and said he had some free time that afternoon to get together. He suggested we go out and get lunch somewhere away from the concert venue and the tour buses, just the two of us. I gladly agreed.
I waited in the hotel lobby for him at our agreed meeting time, but he wasn’t there. I turned on my phone to check the time. I wasn’t early. I was just on time. Maybe he’d just got caught up with some last minute work.
If there was one thing I hated, it was being late, and I hated being made to wait almost as much. I was usually understanding about these things, but it had been so long since our last date. The longer I waited, the more impatient I became. I stood there for twenty minutes before giving up and messaging him.
@AudioAiley Hey, you on your way?
I didn’t get a message back for several long minutes. I almost gave up and flagged down a taxi to take me to the concert venue to get a head start on the night’s work. Finally, my phoned pinged.
Sorry, something came up. Want to meet me at the hotel bar again? I can’t be away for long.
Sure. I’ll meet you there.
Even though Neil had been the one to choose the location, I still had to wait for thirty minutes before he arrived. I watched the ice in my drink slowly melt and tried not to check my phone for the
time more than once every minute or so. He looked frazzled when he arrived, hair sticking up even more than usual, a pinched expression on his face.
“Sorry,” he said briskly. “One of our cameras got busted and I needed to find a replacement, stat. This town is so small, there’s no way we can just buy one locally. We’ll have to get one shipped to us, but we’re in a different location every day.” He blew out a sigh and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“Don’t you have a director of photography for that?”
“Well—” He looked taken aback. “We do, but I needed to make sure we got the right camera.”
“Isn’t that his job?”
Neil gave me a bemused smile. “I just needed to make sure they did it right, that’s all.”
I decided to drop it. “It’s good to have some time alone, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. It’s been pretty crazy lately, hasn’t it?”
Maybe for Neil, the workaholic.
“I actually think things have gotten a lot less hectic. We’re hitting our stride. You still seem pretty busy, though.” I took a sip and eyed him over the rim of my glass.
Neil grimaced and ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even further. “Yeah, sorry.” I expected him to make more excuses, but he didn’t continue.
I put my glass down. I had made sure to schedule my social media posts ahead of time so the content would still go out while I was on the date. If I could make time for us, why couldn’t Neil?
“So, how is your work going?” he asked. “Any good news online?”
“Yeah, there’s been a lot of chatter about the tour. People are getting excited about the new album.”
“That’s great.”
“I don’t want to talk about work, though,” I added. He readily agreed and changed the topic to a new movie coming out soon, some artsy piece he said he wanted to take me to. It sounded like fun. We were in the middle of making plans when his phone pinged. He checked it and frowned.
Hard Rock Tease: A Rock Star Romance (Darkest Days Book 1) Page 29
