by Dawn Dumont
“I could,” Nellie replied.
Taz laughed at that.
They shared hotel rooms for financial reasons. Nellie had only two rules: no smoking, no women. Taz only broke her rules a few times. So, more than once, Nellie opened the hotel room door to the sight of a half-naked woman running to the bathroom.
She wished he would get serious with someone. At formal events, sometimes he would put his hand on her shoulder or lean close to whisper in her ear. She allowed this so that people watching would make assumptions. Taz and her looked appropriate together, northern bush and southern rez, well-dressed, with money, about the same age. She figured it could only help his chances.
And besides, she knew it would move through the moccasin telegraph, down the road a few area codes. Sure enough one night when she was working in front of the TV, the phone rang and her heart leapt when she saw the number. She turned down the TV.
“What’s shaking Nellie?” His voice was clear and bright — he wasn’t drinking.
“I’m good.”
“I hear Taz is gonna win.”
“That’s what they say.”
“I’m coming home next week.”
Home?
“You are?”
“Yeah, kind of getting tired of all this heat. I miss me some windchill.”
Nellie laughed softly and curled her legs under her. Her eyelids felt heavy suddenly and her breathing slowed as she listened to him describe a night he spent walking through a desert looking for his wallet.
Taz was at her place when Everett showed up. Nellie was furiously working on a redraft of a brochure, on the phone negotiating the price of a hall rental and reviewing the invitation list for Taz’s election party when Everett wandered in.
He didn’t knock. He walked in the side door, and through the galley kitchen into the dining room — and she counted every step that brought him closer to her. He had a duffel bag over his shoulder, and wore a T-shirt that said Corona and a pair of jeans so old and worn, a strong breeze could blow them apart. Nellie beamed at him but didn’t get up because she didn’t want to disturb all of her papers. Taz jumped up from his chair and gave him a one-armed bro-hug.
“Where you been, man?” Taz asked.
“Tucson.”
“What the fuck is in Tucson?”
“I went down there to work with a healer and I stayed until he finished teaching me.”
Taz raised an eyebrow but held his tongue — Nellie knew he wasn’t a fan of Everett’s spiritual stuff. “How’s the tail down there?”
“I wouldn’t know bro. I was there to learn.”
Taz’s cell-phone started vibrating on the table and he mouthed the word sorry as he answered it and went into the other room.
“I should start supper,” Nellie said, feeling naked and hot and fat all of a sudden.
“You cook?”
“I meant I should start to order something,” she reached for her phone.
“Same old Nellie.”
“Not quite the same, got some extra weight.” She patted her tummy. “All this eating out is catching up with me.”
Everett looked her over and Nellie felt her body heating up like a pizza pop in a microwave.
“Adds to the curves.”
Thank God, getting all spiritual hadn’t cut his balls off.
“Where you staying?” She asked in what she hoped was a casual voice.
“With a friend. Got some renters in Michael’s house.” Nellie didn’t realize he knew how to get renters.
Nellie decided to take things slow. So she waited a week before asking him to move in with her. He surprised her by saying, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. If we rush, someone could end up getting hurt.”
And we both know who the owner of the hurt feelings would be, Nellie thought ruefully. Despite that, Nellie instantly went into convince-mode. “I’m hardly ever home. We’re always on the road and it would be nice to have someone in my place. For safety.”
She was gone the first night he moved in but she imagined him in her bed and that made her smile. She didn’t call him or anything, not because she didn’t want to, but because every night she fell into bed and died. Taz teased her.
“So does your apartment lock from the outside or are you gonna shackle him to the bed this time?”
“Ha ha.”
Everett would never commit of course. Unless he had changed. People grew up, didn’t they? They matured and then they wanted the same things as everyone else. Or maybe they never did but then you adjusted to their unique way of thinking? She wanted to marry Everett and he never wanted to settle down and so she had to compromise. And he had to compromise. And the in between point was that he would live in her house and she wouldn’t complain.
On one of their breakneck races from a Saskatoon conference to a Regina round dance, Nellie asked Taz, “Do you think I’m doing the right thing?”
Taz had to be reminded before he knew what she was talking about. He shrugged. “As long as you don’t get all messed up and start balling your eyes out like a fucking pussy, I don’t care.”
When Nellie got home, Everett was there. He’d found a job. They celebrated by drinking a bottle of wine and making out on the couch. Before they could go all the way, he passed out. Or pretended to. Nellie walked her frustrated butt to bed and before she fell asleep made a complete list all the reasons she shouldn’t love him.
A week later he lost the job. Then he found another one. It didn’t pay as well but it had better hours and a nicer boss. So that was fine. He went to a different ceremony every weekend. Nellie lost track of the names of Elders he mentioned and tried not to let her eyes glaze over when he described their teachings.
Sometimes they sat together on the couch while he drank a beer and watched TV and Nellie drank a glass of wine and worked. At bedtime, she went to the bedroom and he stayed on the couch. She was too afraid to ask him to follow her.
She laid in bed staring at the ceiling and wishing she had time to go to Pilates classes and get rid of her muffin top, narrow her butt and make her legs slender and long (the advertisements actually claimed that the classes could make your body into a professional dancer’s body — it would be a nice change from a professional bowler’s body). She could hear him snoring in the other room.
Overall, the situation was fine. Nellie could live with it. Love takes time, she reminded herself. Patience is a virtue. Her mother used to tell her that all the time and usually it sent Nellie into a rage, “I don’t want to be fucking virtuous!”
One night when Taz and Nellie were working furiously at the kitchen table (technically Nellie was working while Taz was texting a girl that was way too young for him), Everett came over to check out what they were doing. While Nellie was explaining the focus on supporting young families, Everett rested his hand on her shoulder and said, “You need to rest Nellie.”
So they would have continued inching along until fate intervened in the shape of a woman. The election was days away and Taz and Nellie were out late visiting different radio stations while media interviewed him. Nellie, proud as Dr. Frankenstein, looked on. My monster is doing so well.
They pulled into the drive, quietly buzzing on their own personal highs. Taz had almost left without going in but Nellie reminded him that they had to prepare for a 7:00 AM TV appearance.
As soon as they walked in the door, Nellie knew something had changed. It was the perfume in the air, the music turned up a bit too loud. Then Julie came around the corner. Taz, never one to hold back, picked her up and spun her around.
“It’s good to see you,” Nellie said when it was her turn but she was mad. Because she was a woman and she needed more than a hug. She needed an explanation.
Taz hadn’t had a drink in weeks but this was a big night. He picked through Nellie’s meager wine collection, dismissed it and then he and Everett headed out for some extra booze.
Nellie sat at the table and stared at some papers in front of her. Julie sat
across from her and pretended that sitting in silence was normal. She picked up an election brochure.
“So, he’s gonna win, huh?”
“Is that why you came back?”
Julie gave her a disapproving look.
“The timing is pretty suspect you have to admit.”
“Why can’t you ever just come out and call someone a cunt?”
“That’s a disgusting word.”
Julie laughed. “Maybe I came back for you? Maybe I came back for Everett?”
Nellie’s heart stopped.
“Maybe I came back and it has nothing to do with any of you. Maybe sometimes I do things and there’s no reason?”
“Maybe you only care about yourself?” And then Nellie’s eyes teared up as they always did when she was mean to someone to she cared about.
She stood up and went to the kitchen. She tore a square off the Bounty roll and wiped her tears with it. As upset as she was, she noticed that they really did absorb moisture well.
“Don’t cry Nellie.”
That was a lost cause. “I get one call three years ago and then nothing. I would have reported you missing except Taz said you were asking him for money. I mean what the fuck? What did I do to deserve that?” Nellie blew her nose on the Bounty square and turned back towards Julie. She looked so small under Nellie’s gaze. Her posture was still that strange mix of straight and relaxed; like a ballet dancer who smoked pot.
Nellie could see Julie retreating as she watched. Julie’s eyes went flat. Nellie growled — she didn’t want to scare her away — but what the fuck! Nellie turned on the faucet and filled a glass. She drank it with a shaky hand.
“I lost my baby.” Julie said in a clear voice.
Nellie dribbled some water on herself. “What?”
Julie looked past Nellie, out the window. “A little girl. And I didn’t deal too well with that, y’know?”
Jesus Christ, who would? Nellie ran the tap and poured another glass of water. She drank this one slower. She put it down harder than she wanted. She watched the water slosh back and forth. “Are you okay now?”
“Are you ever okay?” Julie had a lopsided smile.
“Do you want to talk about . . . your daughter?”
Julie shook her head, silent as the sun.
When the boys came back, Nellie gave herself permission to get boisterous. They did shots, they laughed, and they told stories.
“I had a lesbian experience last year,” Julie said. All three heads swivelled in her direction.
“Bullshit,” Nellie laughed.
Julie swatted her. “For real I did. I was really drunk this one night out in Hobbema. I don’t even know how I got out there but there I was, at some party. Everyone was doing coke which kind of freaked me out — ”
“Omigod you tell a story like an old woman,” Taz groaned.
“Awus, just ’cause you’re horny for the good part,” Nellie shot back.
“Anyways, I got really drunk sitting in the living room, finishing off this bottle of Jack by myself. Next thing I know, I wake up and I’m eating some girl’s snatch.”
“What?!”
“Did you like it?” Everett asked.
“I realized what I was doing and I threw up. Like all over her pussy.”
Everett and Taz were aghast.
Nellie roared with laughter. “Vomit in the snatch! What did she do?”
“She was pretty mad.”
“You do not want puke in that area,” said Nellie.
“Too hard to clean out.”
“All those nooks and crannies,” Nellie agreed.
Nellie and Julie killed themselves laughing. The guys were less impressed as they’d hoped for a different ending to the story.
The drinks kept flowing and more stories followed. Taz missed his TV appearance; when it was time to wake him, Nellie found him on the couch with Julie in his arms.
She walked back to the bedroom and climbed under the covers. She wriggled closer to Everett and inhaled his smell before her eyes grew heavy and sleep claimed her. She didn’t even wake up when Everett slipped out of bed and into the morning.
The City of Lights
March 2007
NELLIE HAD A RIP-ROARING dream. She was in Paris with her mom and they were poor and ragged like those peasants in that movie that was based on a musical that was based on a book. They were searching for food because they were hungry and then at some point Nellie realized that she was pregnant. Pregnant in Paris with no money. That was a shitty scary dream.
“I thought you wanted to have a family,” she mused, staring up at the ceiling at 3:30 AM. “Apparently not.” But she did, she just wanted it on her terms, with a husband who would be a good father. She didn’t want to be like those single moms she saw waiting at the bus stop in the middle of winter, struggling with their strollers, their heads wet with snow because they didn’t have coats with hoods.
Nellie tried to go back to sleep. Failed. And so was out of the house by 5:00 AM standing in line grabbing a coffee. She almost smiled at a tall, nice-faced, silver fox but she couldn’t see his hand to check if he had a wedding ring so she decided not to bother. It was strange though, before she hit her thirties, men with grey hair were invisible and now almost magically, they had appeared — to ignore her like every other type of man.
In the car she pressed her blinking message alert on her cell and listened to the first onslaught as she wove through traffic, always driving faster than everyone else, even though logically it didn’t matter. They always ended up at the same red light where the driver would shoot angry looks at her while Nellie stoically stared straight ahead.
The messages were short. Lots of requests for call backs. Two of the calls were from chiefs and so her blood pressure immediately jumped.
Then three low priority calls, a councillor, an Elder and a provincial politician’s assistant. The last call was from her mother reminding her of supper the next day and then finally her assistant calling in sick.
“Fuck.”
Nellie closed the door to her office and fell into her chair.
She looked up again after noon. There were no meetings scheduled and Taz was out of town so she had the luxury of concentrating on a brief she was writing about the lack of policing services in northern communities. It would have been a perfect day except that her stomach was raging at her.
She hit her phone.
“Hey you eat already?”
“Nah.” Julie’s voice had sleep in it.
Must be nice thought Nellie.
They met a health food place that neither of them was crazy about. Julie never saw the point of eating healthy and Nellie only paid it lip service.
Nellie picked the sprouts out of her sandwich as she described a play she’d seen on the weekend to Julie. Julie nodded at the right spots.
“How was the date other than that?” Julie asked.
“He’s really nice.”
“And?”
“I don’t know.”
“Can you imagine sucking his dick?”
Nellie choked on her coffee and looked around before answering. “Jesus Christ no.”
“There’s your answer,” Julie said.
“I need to date different kinds of guys. I can’t only pick guys who are hot. That hasn’t gotten me anywhere.”
“Yeah, you need someone smart.”
“Everett is smart, just not in a book way. Maybe now he is, I heard he’s getting his GED or something. I dunno. Probably has a young girlfriend he’s trying to impress.”
Julie shrugged.
“She’s probably naturally skinny and one of those free spirits who goes where the wind blows and her name is Aurora, or Skylar, or Shenoah.”
“Shenoah?”
“And now all he does is talk about spirituality and getting to know the wisdom of the Elders and blah blah blah. He’s even doing a Sundance ceremony this summer.”
“That’s cool.”
Nellie sighed. �
��Guess it’s better than him drinking himself to death. I want another coffee, you want a coffee?”
Julie shook her head. Julie did not cram herself full of things every chance she had. Try to be content, Nellie told herself. Try to be grateful for that meal that you ate and did not taste.
Nellie held Julie at the table for an extra half hour after they finished. “I don’t want to go back to work,” she moaned over and over again.
Julie told her about a class she was thinking of taking in early childhood development. Nellie didn’t have the heart to tell her that the pay was ridiculously low and the hours were early and long. Because Julie wanted to be around kids and didn’t give a shit about things like that.
Nellie studied Julie. There were dark circles around her eyes and she looked bonier than usual.
“You feeling okay?”
Julie nodded.
“Any more doctors?”
“We’re taking a break. With work and the re-election coming up Taz doesn’t have time.”
Nellie had sent him to Ottawa the day before to argue for more funding from INAC: “Don’t come back without at least another ten percent.” She knew how busy Taz was. Still she wished he had made the time. Then again she knew how sensitive men could be about their dicks.
Julie blew on her coffee. “It bothers him though. I know it does.”
“There’s always adoption.”
“It’s not the same though, is it?”
“All kids are weird to me. Short, always asking stupid questions — and those enormous freaky-doll heads. We got it made if you ask me.”
Julie smiled and stayed for an extra coffee that she did not drink.
Nellie worked until nine and then dropped files on her assistant’s chair. A nice passive aggressive welcome back message for the morning. She made an internal note to start looking for another assistant.
It was dark outside and she kept her keys in her fist as she walked outside. She was always ready for an attack. She saw a man standing too close to her car and pulled out her cell. But he got into the car next to hers. Nellie relaxed and thought about the last time someone had been in the parking lot waiting for her.
She had recognized the lanky body before she even got close. His head was tilted to the side in that way she hated so much.
