by Jenny Oliver
The French rap blared out again.
‘Very funny. Not that crap. Something she can dance to.’
Maddy felt like she was in some sort of nightmare. Last time she danced had been the Easter festival when she’d got so pissed she couldn’t say no when Dimitri and his friends had bet her fifty quid to dance Gangnam-style. The resulting effort had been videoed and screened in the taverna the next day while Maddy was lying on the cool tiles at the back trying not to be sick.
‘Seriously I can’t dance.’
‘She says she can’t dance, Rollo.’
‘Can one of them not dance?’ he shrugged. ‘Like Posh Spice?’
‘No.’ Clarissa shook her head.
Lady Gaga boomed out of the speakers.
‘Maddy, just do something. Pretend you’re at a club.’ Rollo sounded like he was getting annoyed. People in the audience were shifting uncomfortably in their seats. The Topshop girls were whispering, dubiously.
Maddy closed her eyes and started to shuffle her feet from side to side. Then her arms.
‘That’s it. Good girl.’ Rollo shouted.
Dying inside, wishing she was on her balcony again in the snow, feet up, singing soft lullabies while her neighbour listened, Maddy carried on moving. Shuffling and side-stepping and trying to do interesting things with her arms without looking like she was writhing in pain.
‘Ok that’s enough.’ Rollo called in the end and she saw the interns cringing. ‘Come down here, Maddy.’
Maddy sloped off the stage, feeling the amused glances of Rollo’s staff follow her as she went to stand next to him, Clarissa jogging over behind her with her clipboard.
‘I like her.’ Rollo said to Clarissa. ‘I like her look. It’s different to the others and–’ He shrugged. ‘She’s definitely got something.’
‘The dancing is a problem. We can fix the singing, that’s fine, but she’s definitely not a natural mover.’
‘She has good hair,’ said a woman with a bright purple crop who’d been in the group watching and had strutted over to join them. ‘And you’re right about the whole gap-tooth thing. I think she has a look.’
Maddy went to say something but Clarissa just talked over her. ‘You can definitely tell she’s older than the others though.’ she said. ‘I mean do you see that as a problem, Rollo?’
He made a face. ‘I don’t know. I think we could get away with it, with the right styling. It could even work in our favour.’
‘We just need to let something slip about her and Harry Styles.’ the purple-haired stylist said, and Rollo boomed a laugh.
‘Yeah, perfect. Love it.’ he drawled. ‘I think she could definitely work.’
Maddy was perplexed. No one had spoken to her and she felt like wheels were in motion that she couldn’t stop.
But this was the dream, wasn’t it? The blinding lights, centre stage? Styled, primped, made over? This was her as Ginger Spice dancing in the kitchen. This was why she was here.
‘And I mean, if we have to take her–’ Clarissa shrugged. ‘It could be worse!’
Rollo shrugged, distracted by his phone bleeping.
‘I’m sorry, what did you say?’ Maddy asked, taking a step forward.
They ignored her.
‘Excuse me.’ She tapped Clarissa on the shoulder. ‘What did you just say?’
‘When?’ Clarissa asked, already focused on the next item on her clipboard.
‘Just then–’ Maddy said, feeling her cheeks getting hot. ‘If we have to take her.’
‘Oh nothing.’ Clarissa waved the question away and trotted over to where the interns were standing around attempting to look busy.
The purple-haired stylist was checking her lipstick in a compact and when Maddy asked her the same question she said, ‘I don’t know the ins and outs, sweetheart. Rollo just announced yesterday that the trio were going to be a foursome. God knows why, four never works. Look, can you pop by the dressing room before you leave, I need to fit you. I’ve got a lovely little pair of leather leggings that I think would work, they just might be a bit small. We can work on your weight though. Christ, I am dying for a cup of tea.’ She snapped the compact shut and with a quick fake smile, strutted away in the direction of the tea urn.
Maddy stood watching Rollo as he talked into his phone. Waiting.
The other girls in the group were huddled together throwing her less than friendly sidelong stares.
What must they all be thinking? She could hardly bear it.
‘Rollo?’
He held up a hand to make her wait. ‘Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah I’m on it. Ok, yeah gotta go.’
‘Rollo?’
‘Yes honey. That’s all good isn’t it? Exciting times. You’d better go out now and enjoy some incognito time, because in a couple of weeks you won’t be able to walk down the street.’ He cocked his head as he took a long drag on his e-cigarette, waiting for her to thank him.
‘Rollo, why did Clarissa say that you had to have me?’
‘Don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘The group, it’s gone from three to four people.’
‘Four’s always better.’
‘I can’t think of a four person girl group.’
‘All Saints.’ he said with a raise of one brow. ‘What’s wrong with you? You should be delighted.’
‘But I was awful. And I’m too old for this group. Look at them, they’re like sixteen. I’m twenty-four and I can’t dance.’ She felt her voice choke on the last bit as annoyance started to build up inside her. ‘He made you, didn’t he? My dad.’
‘No one made me, what are you talking about?’
Maddy shook her head.
There, handed to her on a plate, was international stardom. Waiting within her grasp. Even if the group didn’t last long they’d at least have a decent shot at fame.
Take it, Maddy, don’t question it. Just take it.
She looked at the girls, heads together giggling. Looked at the lighting rig, the scaffolding, the curtain held together with pins, the shabby tea urn, the bored interns, Rollo and his endless cups of coffee and inane phone calls, the backdrops for promos being built in the background, the wardrobe room with the tiny leather leggings and the idea of ‘working on her weight.’
What was it Walter had said?
It’s never going to be how you want it to be. The dream, it’s all a mirage.
Taking a last look around, Maddy shook her head and said, ‘Thanks Rollo, but I’m not going to do this.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘The group, it’s not for me.’ She started to walk away in the direction of the lift.
‘Are you crazy?’ Rollo called after her.
She turned and walked a few steps backwards. ‘Maybe.’ She shrugged. ‘But better crazy than a fool.’
CHAPTER 33
ELLA
‘Wait one second, could you.’ Ella heard Max bash into a couple of things then a long pause and then the sound of a door shutting.
‘Sorry. Amanda’s watching Strictly in the front room.’ he said breathlessly.
Ella made a face at the window. ‘You hate Strictly.’
‘I know, I know. And she doesn’t like X-Factor.’ Max sighed.
‘Oh god that’s rubbish.’
‘Yes, I’m beginning to think I’ve made the wrong choice?’ he drawled.
‘I think maybe it’s too early to joke about it.’ Ella said, listening to the rain clattering on the metal roof of the phone box and imagining Max sitting somewhere in secret, the phone cradled between his ear and shoulder, flicking through the paper as he spoke or inspecting his nails, never able to concentrate on only one thing.
Max sniggered, ‘Yes, sorry. Apologies. So am I in the doghouse?’
Ella wound the phone cord round her wrist and smiled. ‘Yes. I hate you.’
‘Quite right. I’d hate me too. I’m just greedy. I want all the cakes in the bakery.’
‘Except I’m n
ot a cake. I’m a person, Max. With feelings.’ she said, while tracing the list of emergency numbers on the keypad.
‘I think you’d be a cream horn.’ he said.
Ella couldn’t stifle her astonished laugh.
‘Hard on the outside but soft and squishy in the centre.’
Ella leant back against the glass again. ‘I can’t work out if this is flattering or not. What’s Amanda? A fondant fancy?’
Max snorted. ‘Don’t make me laugh, she’ll come in.’
Ella paused, smiling into the handset, then writing her name with her finger in the misty window, then she said, ‘Max, do you think our time together was a half life?’
‘Absolutely not. Why?’ She heard him pour something in the background, maybe a glass of wine.
‘Do you think we were ourselves?’ she asked, staring at the letters she’d drawn, at the olive leaves she could see through the clearer sections of glass and the taverna, someone getting a vin chaud and pointing at the nativity.
‘Well who else were you?’ said Max, sounding confused.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Ella, I used to have this bloody marvellous maths teacher who said to us, “Boys, it takes a lifetime to find out who you are. So go out, try everything and remember the body completely regenerates every seven years so you’ll end up being someone completely different anyway.” I think if you look at it that way, life’s much less serious and a lot more fun. Us. We had a jolly good time. I doubt you learnt anything from me, but I think I learnt a whole lot from you. And now, well, we’re regenerating.’
Ella tapped her index finger to her lips and thought about what he was saying. ‘So you don’t think our relationship was a lie?’
‘Some of it probably. But isn’t everything? El, you have to be a bit kinder to yourself. You’re always so hard on yourself. Even what you wear you give yourself a beating over. You’re not the girl I met at nineteen any more, you know that don’t you?’
There was a pause as Ella considered it.
‘Ella, you’re a really successful woman now. You’re funny, kind, pretty, much cleverer than me. You’re quite terrifying when you want to be. Maybe actually you’re not a cream horn. You could be a black forest gateaux. God I haven’t had one of those in years. All sultry and moody and juicy.’
‘Ok Max, you can stop now.’
He boomed a laugh. ‘Sorry I just started to get into it. Never going to be able to look at a black forest gateaux in the same way again. Not actually that I’d know where you could buy one nowadays. D’you know what I’d be? Probably one of those donuts I like from Krispy Kreme. The glazed one with the hole in the centre. Sweet, shiny and delicious on the outside and completely hollow in the middle. What do you think?’
‘I think you don’t think that at all.’ Ella said with a half smile. ‘I’m going now.’
‘Oh? That’s a shame. I like talking to you.’
‘Well you shouldn’t have shagged someone else, should you?’
‘Touché my petite cream horn. Touché.’
Ella was about to hang up, shaking her head laughing, when she realised she had to ask him something else. ‘Max! Max are you still there?’
‘Of course.’
‘Can you drop in on Maddy? She’s staying at the flat.’
‘Maddy as in your sister Maddy? Who you aren’t terribly keen on?’
‘Yes that Maddy. My dad’s just said she’s working at Big Mack’s. You know that dive in Soho?’
Max sniggered. ‘Know it well.’
‘So she’s meant to be at some flash place singing so I don’t understand why she’s there. Can you just check she’s ok?’
‘Absolutely pumpkin. It’s the least I can do.’ Max said, and she heard him take a sip of his drink.
‘Max?’
‘Yes?’
‘Please don’t make a pass at her.’
He made a noise like he’d just spat wine all over himself. ‘I can’t believe you’d say that. Don’t you know me at all?’
‘I know you too well, you idiot. That’s why I’m saying it. Ok I’m going now.’
‘Ok. Bye. I think Strictly might just be finishing.’
‘Oh Max–’
‘What?’
‘I think you’d be a champagne truffle. Dashing, rich and sophisticated with a touch too much booze and far too over-priced.’ Ella said, a massive grin on her lips.
Max gave another booming laugh, ‘And not quite to everyone’s taste but delicious all the same.’ He laughed again and then, just before he hung up, said, ‘I’m going to miss you.’
Ella paused, her fingers tightening round the receiver. ‘Me too.’
‘I really loved you, you know? For you. Don’t underestimate yourself, Ella.’
‘Thanks.’ she said, biting down on her bottom lip as she saw flashes of their time together before her eyes. ‘I loved you too. I really did. Hey Max… Don’t believe anything your parents ever tell you. They’re awful and underneath it all you’re ok.’
He sniggered. ‘Thank you.’
‘No problem.’
‘Bye Ella.’
‘Bye Max.’
She held the phone to her chest for a second before putting it down, like they do in movies. And then she smiled.
Opening the door of the phone box she looked up to see a sliver of sun like a vein in the slate grey clouds. And over the path at the taverna, her mum was outside with a spray can, a green line through the Greek of The Little Greek Kitchen and Christmas graffitied in its place.
‘Ella!’ her mum called without really turning round. ‘Come on, we have work to do.’
CHAPTER 34
MADDY
When the lift doors opened on the ground floor Maddy just strode straight out the building. She ignored the lights changing colour underfoot, ignored the receptionist and was more than happy to leave her Fortnum’s presents wherever they’d been put because she sure as hell wouldn’t be giving them to her dad now.
Outside however the snow was bucketing it down, swirling like a ripped pillow, feathers all over the place. Her coat was with the Fortnum’s bag, along with her gloves and hat. But she didn’t want to go back in. Couldn’t face the idea of standing around in reception waiting, remembering her hideous audition, the sniggers as she’d danced, the whole lot of them working out how to make the best of a bad deal.
Why would her dad ever think that this was the way she would want it to be?
There was no denying that she was freezing though. Her jumper was getting damp from the snow and her legs shook from the cold as she waited under the building’s awning deciding how best to get home.
‘Maddy!’
She turned and saw Rollo striding out of the revolving door.
‘I won’t tell him.’ she said. ‘Don’t worry. I won’t let him know that I know he set it up.’ Her teeth chattered as she spoke.
‘Wait.’ Rollo held up a hand, dismissing what she was saying. ‘Just come inside, we’ll go up to my office, have a coffee. Christ at least get your coat.’
‘I don’t want to.’ She shook her head, her arms wrapped tight around her. ‘I’ll buy another one.’
Rollo laughed. ‘That’s ridiculous. Come on.’ He walked over to her, put his arm around her shoulders and ushered her inside.
‘Only to get my coat.’ she muttered through frozen lips.
‘And for me to have a coffee.’
‘You know caffeine’s a drug?’ she said as they entered the warmth of the day-glo foyer.
‘And your point is?’ Rollo asked, then chuckled to himself as they waited for the lift.
Inside Rollo’s office it was toasty warm. The secretary had looked on bemused as he’d asked her to go and get a hand towel for Maddy to dry her hair. Maddy had walked over to the window, unable to look Rollo in the eye and instead stared down at the view of Kensington Gardens and The Royal Garden Hotel, the people in the snow tiny like toy town.
‘So that was all very dramatic.
’ Rollo said with a snigger. ‘You don’t want to be in my group, that’s fine, just say so. You don’t have to run away.’
The secretary came in with the towel and a tray of coffee and biscuits.
‘Here have one of these, it’ll warm you up.’ Rollo said, pouring out a coffee and then adding a slug of brandy that he had in his desk drawer.
Maddy took it from him, wrapping her hands round the scolding hot cup. ‘Rollo?’ she asked, chewing on her lip.
‘Yes Maddy.’ he said, munching on a bourbon biscuit.
‘What would you have thought if my dad hadn’t made you take me?’
He shrugged, mouth full of crumbs. ‘I’d have thought you were ok.’ he said. ‘That you had some way to go but that you might get there.’
Maddy nodded, took a sip from the alcohol-laced coffee and tried to hide her disappointment. Even though her audition had been crap and she didn’t want to be in the group, a tiny part of her had hoped that Rollo would say that he thought she was marvellous, just not quite right for the pop world.
‘I would probably–’ Rollo went on, popping a custard cream into his mouth, ‘have left it at that. In fact I definitely would. I’m a busy man.’ He laughed. ‘But!’ he said, holding up a hand as Maddy hung her head a little and putting down her cup went to start patting her hair dry. ‘But I will add, because you’re Ed’s daughter and I can give you–’ he looked at his watch, ‘a few more minutes of my time, that I don’t think this is what you want. There’s not the hunger or the fight. I need commercial and people who are willing to do whatever it takes. Whether it’s mainstream pop or hippy-dippy folk. Those girls down there, one of them has been making tea here for three years. Another sang on the doorstep every morning at the exact time I was coming to work. It was bloody annoying but I liked her tone. You see, I think you enjoy what you do and that should be enough. You have a really lovely voice. But I don’t think you have what it takes for all the rest. A lot of shit comes with this job.’
Maddy tried to hide her disappointment by towelling her hair a bit more vigorously.
‘You want validation?’ Rollo asked, filling his cup with just neat brandy. ‘Stick yourself on YouTube and get a couple of thousand likes and as many hates. Can you do hates on YouTube? Christ I’m so out of date. That’s why I have so many bloody interns. They do all our “social media”.’ He did air quotes around the phrase, spilling some of his brandy. ‘Listen Maddy, you don’t need validation. You know you’re good. You enjoy it. But did you enjoy that?’
