by Anita Notaro
Life with a baby meant a very ordered routine, she discovered, as summer turned to autumn and the days shortened and the nights became slightly chilly as the premiership and the schoolkids returned.
Each day was a constant round of bottles and bathing, washing and wiping, sleeping and smiling. Lindsay found it hard to believe that this was her life. It occupied her totally and kept her sane, with no time to think about herself, although she still thought about Chris at the oddest moments.
She wondered what she’d ever done with all that spare time she used to have – squandered on TV, baths, lazy glasses of wine and long phone calls, she remembered. Now she brushed her hair and cleaned her teeth if she was lucky, but Freddie made up for all the inconvenience and she loved him with an intensity that frightened her sometimes.
Colin was on the phone regularly and she had to send him photos every few weeks. The girls and Anne were constantly in and out and one or other of them stayed over at least once a week, so that sleep deprivation didn’t threaten to overwhelm her, and she was able to enjoy the luxury of an uninterrupted soak. But she always missed him and found herself hurrying back to see his smile, smell him and hold him close.
In the space of a few days, it seemed, he was a month old and Debbie began to put gentle pressure on Lindsay to start going out again. She was reluctant, because she no longer considered herself single and in a funny way her life was fulfilled, if lonely. But the girls persisted and enlisted the help of Anne, who insisted on collecting Freddie one Friday morning and offered to keep him overnight. So, in the blink of an eye, Lindsay was on her own, with no responsibilities for twenty-four hours. At first she panicked and rang Anne every ten minutes until her sister announced she was going out for the day and taking Freddie and the kids with her casually mentioning that the battery on her mobile was flat.
‘OK, OK, I get the message but please, call me if he frets or anything.’
‘He’s fine, relax. His cousins have it sussed. Got to go. Have a good day.’
So Lindsay went into town and had her hair cut and a facial and her nails done and tried to pretend she was a happy career woman with no responsibilities, but then couldn’t remember what that felt like. She met Debbie and Tara in a very trendy pub for drinks at six-thirty and felt completely out of place amongst Dublin’s coolest. They went for some food to a madly expensive Moroccan restaurant and then dragged Lindsay to a nightclub where she felt even more like an alien.
‘Relax, for God’s sake. You’ve only had a baby, not joined a religious order,’ Debbie teased and she tried to obey.
It was great fun in the end and she remembered that this was how it used to be all the time, but that was a million years ago before Chris and Freddie had invaded her life.
Lindsay arrived home exhausted at two-thirty and fell into bed with her make-up on. She woke next day at noon and panicked until she saw him again.
The girls were reasonably happy that she was back on the scene.
‘Next stop a holiday,’ Debbie and Tara vowed, but knew they’d have their work cut out.
At the end of September Lindsay returned to work and Freddie started life in a crèche, thanks to a great friend of Tara’s who put her in touch with a brilliant nurse who looked after children in her own home. It was a huge wrench for Lindsay, leaving him each day, even though she knew he was safe and well cared for. Eventually, she learned to relax, although she worried about him all the time and wondered how much she was missing out on his life. He was growing fast and changing every day and she wanted him to stay a baby just in case he needed her less as he got older.
Jonathan Myers had asked Lindsay to help set up a new fashion programme aimed at sixteen- to thirty-four-year-olds. A lot of the work had already started because it was due on air immediately after Christmas. It was to be a fast-moving, lively, stylish half-hour, presented by three wild young things – a twenty-one-year-old stunning blonde with a figure to die for, a ravishing, dark-eyed Irish/Italian who was barely twenty and a fiery, completely mad redhead from Cork who was twenty-four and looked seventeen.
‘That used to be us,’ Debbie said with a trace of nostalgia when Lindsay showed her the stunning publicity photos.
‘That was never us,’ Tara said matter-of-factly, ‘so let’s not get depressed about it.’
‘Anyway, we’re not over the hill yet and you two are looking great at the moment so don’t let me get fat and smell only of puke.’
The other two really were thriving. Tara had gone all soft and dreamy since she and Michael had decided to get married and she looked happy and shiny. Debbie had gone for a radical new look and her mane of curls was now straight and sleek and her body was tight thanks to a punishing gym routine. Lindsay felt very nondescript beside them. She’d lost all her weight but her body wasn’t toned and she lacked energy and was eating too much junk food, all she could manage most evenings, in spite of her newly acquired culinary skills. She felt she’d lost her sparkle, which she suspected was more to do with Chris than Freddie, who had become the brightest spark in her life.
The production team on the new show were all twenty- and thirty-something females, which suited Lindsay very well. There was no studio element, which she missed, especially the live programme every week, but being on the road with a single camera was another challenge. The hours were largely nine-to-five but it was extremely busy and Lindsay decided to get organized well in advance.
She now shopped almost completely on-line and her bulky, non-perishable groceries were delivered once a month at a time that suited her. She invested in a brand-new, top-of-the-range washing machine and dryer, to cope with the unending baby clothes, blankets and towels and Anne volunteered her services for one afternoon a week to do the ironing and other bits and pieces. She found a reliable babysitter in one of her neighbours, a grandmother with plenty of experience, and roped in her mother to take Freddie for a couple of hours every weekend, so that she could do things for herself without worrying. Even with all this in place she rarely had time to do anything more than get her hair cut or have her nails done once in a blue moon. But her darling baby boy, the absolute love of her life, more than made up for it and she couldn’t imagine how she’d ever lived without him.
During her first week back Lindsay called in to see the gang on Live from Dublin. The show was to run for only another season in its present format, Jonathan had told her, although the team had not been told. He also hinted that they were hoping Chris Keating would return, given the huge success of his shows last season, to host a new version of the programme.
Meanwhile, Tom Watts had a contract to work out, so he was back in the driving seat, fully recovered, but Alan Morland was no longer producing. His stay in hospital had made him re-evaluate his life somewhat and he had taken a year off and gone trekking through India with his girlfriend. He and Lindsay kept in touch occasionally and he had written to her and told her of his decision and she now got the odd postcard from places with unpronounceable names. The new producer was a quiet, shy, man in his mid fifties and she suspected that Tom would make mincemeat of him. Kate had been replaced and Lindsay would have loved to know why. She herself had not made any official complaint but something had obviously filtered through. There were a number of new faces and Lindsay promised to have lunch with her old colleagues as soon as she’d settled back.
Chapter Forty-Seven
WINTER CAME EARLY and the clocks went back much too soon, it seemed to Lindsay, who found the blanket of grey didn’t help her spirits. Work was only OK. The fact that she’d come on board later than everyone else meant she’d missed out on the autumn fashion shows and major launches and therefore valuable contacts. It also meant she didn’t get invited to follow-up events because no one knew her.
They were about to start shooting when she joined the team, so her role for the moment was largely administrative, setting up fashion shoots and selecting models and doing all the other vital but not very exciting jobs. Everyone wanted to be shoo
ting and editing and as there were three producers and three assistant producers a significant back-up was needed in the office. Lindsay had eagerly offered to do it, glad of a couple of weeks to settle back and be at the other end of a phone in case Freddie needed her. The fact that she was good at it didn’t help, because the senior producer came to rely on her and was therefore reluctant to move her. She hadn’t made any real friends either, because everyone seemed to be out and about all the time or, if they were back at base, they were holed up in edit suites or shooting complicated computer graphic sequences, which Lindsay knew nothing about.
She was seeing less of the girls too. Debbie had been put on the New York route which meant she was missing for three or four days at a time, although she called round all the time between trips, mostly with presents for Freddie, who now had enough cool clothes to wear until he was five, provided he didn’t grow more than a couple of inches. Tara was in the middle of a big court case and was burning the midnight oil in the office and seeing very little of anybody, Michael included.
Lindsay seemed to be the only one not going anywhere and she was a slave to routine. She rose at six-thirty every morning, got herself showered and dressed immediately, then played with Freddie for ages because he was always full of beans after his long sleep and wanted her attention. By the time she’d fed and organized him and dropped him off she had just about time to go to the dry cleaners, or chemist, or laundry, before hitting the office at nine-thirty. She shopped for her fresh foodstuffs at lunchtime, eating a sandwich in the car en route, and was always rushing to collect Freddie in the evenings. By the time she’d lit the fire, played with him and fed and bathed and sung him to sleep she was exhausted and found herself eating an omelette or beans on toast more than one night a week. By eleven she could barely take her make-up off, before falling into bed until Freddie woke and startled her. Then she cradled him or fed or changed him and collapsed again until morning, when it all started over again. Two things kept her going – Freddie, who was the absolute joy of her life, and the thought that Christmas, and possibly a break, were only around the corner.
It was less than three weeks away and she hadn’t bought a single present and she had no real interest, which worried her.
‘It’s all so different to last year,’ she moaned to her sister, feeling sorry for herself, as she seemed to more and more often these days. Anne sensed something was wrong and offered to call round the following evening for a chat and a glass of wine.
She hadn’t seen Lindsay for a few days and noticed that her younger sister looked grey and worn out and her spirits seemed low.
‘OK, let’s make a plan,’ she said as she poured two large glasses of a nice chilled Sancerre and curled up by the fire with Lindsay. ‘How would you really like to spend the holiday?’
Lindsay closed her eyes and fantasized. ‘In bed, for a fortnight, now that would be bliss.’ She smiled wearily. ‘You know, just not to have anything to do, not to have to make an effort, would be fab. And to be able to spend lots of time with Freddie, because he’s changing so fast at the moment and I always seem to be in a hurry with him. I love him so much and I’m afraid that I’m missing out on him. I want to sit for hours just watching him, noticing every little thing he does. As it is I haven’t bought one present and I’ve no time off until two days before Christmas and I’m completely shattered.’
Anne decided to take matters into her own hands and called Debbie and Tara next day. Between them they made a plan. Miriam Davidson was put back in charge of all the Christmas cooking and told to ignore Lindsay’s offer to cook an alternative banquet – foolishly made during the heady days of summer at Inisfree.
Debbie called her and demanded a list of presents and a budget and Lindsay gave in. The only thing she bought was a gorgeous hand-made jumper for Colin and two cute dresses for both the girls and their dolls, which she couriered over to his parents, who were travelling to be with him for Christmas. It was a surprise she knew he’d love. Everything else she left to Debbie and it was a huge relief. Tara arrived the following Saturday with a Christmas tree, closely followed by Debbie and Anne, who cleaned the house from top to bottom over the weekend, after sending Lindsay home to her mother’s for the night and organizing Freddie and Charlie between them.
Tara called round another evening with a collection of clothes she’d chosen for Lindsay and made her try them all on and decide on an outfit. She then returned the rest and got a refund and picked up a cute bag and shoes as a present from herself and organized Debbie to buy her some funky jewellery on her travels.
Anne gave Lindsay her present early – a complete pamper day at one of Ireland’s top health and beauty resorts – and finally, the girls informed her that they’d booked a country cottage for a week for the three of them – and Freddie and Charlie, of course – starting on the twenty-seventh of December, in a tiny little village beside the sea in west Cork.
Before she knew what was happening it was Christmas Eve and Anne was collecting mother and son and family pet and depositing them in front of a roaring fire at the family home. Leaving Lindsay stretched out on the couch with a glass of champagne, Charlie comatose on the rug and Freddie in his baby chair in the kitchen watching Miriam peel sprouts, she departed to organize her own brood, feeling happy that they’d got Lindsay back on track.
‘You four have honestly saved my life,’ Lindsay told them emotionally after Debbie and Tara arrived to exchange presents on their way home to their families. ‘I always thought post-natal depression was something to be scoffed at, wondered how anyone could feel down after having a beautiful baby, but I hadn’t realized how much the tiredness gets into your bones and can wear you down, so that you barely even notice the good things in your life. And I have an awful lot to be grateful for this Christmas and I love my son more than my own life, so thanks, I couldn’t have done it without you.’
All her presents were beautifully wrapped under the tree and she hadn’t a clue what they were, as she handed them out. Debbie, of course, had excelled herself and chosen gorgeous stuff in New York.
In the middle of the celebrations a courier arrived with a box for Lindsay which they tore open. It contained more presents for Freddie and Lindsay from Colin – a leather biker’s jacket for Freddie, which had them all in fits, and a much more sophisticated full-length soft black leather coat for Lindsay, which had them all groaning and yelling ‘bitch’. In the bottom of the box they found a leather collar, studded with diamonds, for Charlie and Lindsay put their presents on and mother, adored baby and much-loved pet posed for their first official Christmas photo.
When the girls had departed for home, Miriam was busy in the kitchen and Anne and her husband were bathing the boys and organizing Santa, Lindsay dozed by the fire and thought of last year when Chris had called to see her. She’d been so happy and carefree and he’d kissed her right here on this sofa and she knew, even then, that he was going to be very important in her life. And suddenly, after months of putting him out of her mind, he crept back in and it was as if he’d never gone away. In the soft light of the candles and blue fluorescent glow of the fire she remembered it all and she could smell him and feel him and taste him. The tree lights twinkled and teased her and she was lonely for him all over again.
The girls went to midnight Mass as usual and Lindsay noticed all the carefree daughters with their mothers, smiling, shiny, fashionabie – mostly independent, well-to-do career women, she speculated, all giving up a night on the town to be with their parents and carry on the tradition of Christmas.
‘I want to be like her,’ she whispered to Anne as a tall, dark-haired, slim young woman sat nearby with her parents. She had long legs and high heels, a Prada bag and a short skirt and her jewellery was expensive. ‘I bet she has a boyfriend who’s a stockbroker, who’ll buy her a diamond necklace as a trinket. And they’re probably heading off to a really cool party after this.’
‘I think you’ve been reading too many fairy stories,’ A
nne grinned. ‘Anyway, who cares? I’d say she doesn’t have a Freddie in her life, and I bet you wouldn’t swap him for a million Prada bags or diamond rings.’
She’s right, Lindsay thought, and realized once again how important her little boy was to her and she gave thanks for his life and promised God to try harder and remember to count her blessings.
Christmas Day was warm and peaceful and Lindsay slept till twelve. Miriam had kept Freddie in her room and Anne had warned the boys not to wake Lindsay and so another tradition was broken and she was sorry to have missed the Santa routine, but knew she’d have a new one with Freddie in a couple of years and resolved never to miss a single moment of it. Charlie had spent the night under the Christmas tree, close to an untidy-looking parcel with his name on it that smelt suspiciously like meat. As it was from Debbie, Lindsay suspected that it was indeed meat and when the boys came down to check if Santa had arrived they found a tell-tale trail of paper and there was no prising the remains away from Charlie who gnawed at it for hours on the rug, much to Miriam’s disgust.
Colin phoned in the afternoon and they laughed and chatted. He sounded happy and she was glad, because she knew Christmas would always be difficult for him and the girls.
Lindsay, Debbie, Tara, Freddie and Charlie headed south on the twenty-seventh to a stone cottage by the sea. It was freezing but the heat was on and a big fire was burning when they arrived, thanks to a kind owner who knew they had a small baby with them. They unpacked a mountain of food and drink in gale-force winds and torrential rain and they just about managed to see the funny side of it as Freddie – ‘typical man’, according to Debbie – snored throughout the adventure.
‘God, suddenly I’ve acquired quite a bit of baggage,’ Lindsay remarked ruefully as she hauled in a mountain of baby stuff and a beanbag for Charlie, who refused to sleep on anything else no matter where he was.
